The Friendship Discomfort You’re Not Talking About
“You know what? I think to arrange this call, we all have to get out of our comfort zone a little bit.”
That’s what Ivana Ivanek’s friend said in their group WhatsApp chat. Four women who’ve known each other for over 20 years, trying to schedule a simple video call. One friend has young kids and needs to coordinate with her husband. Another lives five hours ahead in a different time zone. The third is juggling two children.
What used to be effortless – grabbing coffee, dropping by each other’s places – now requires negotiations, time zone math, and everyone stretching beyond what feels natural.
If you’ve ever felt this way about your own friendships, you’re not alone. And more importantly? You’re not a bad friend.
The Feelings We Don’t Admit To Having
Let’s get real about what’s actually happening in your friendships when life changes everything.
When Ivana moved from Austria to Greece to follow her dream of living by the sea, she thought the hardest part would be building a new life abroad. What she didn’t expect was how complicated it would become to maintain her closest friendships back home.
“We ended up having quite some sad conversations about, oh my God, how could this even happen that we still love each other so deeply and yet are not taking care of each other?” Ivana shared on a recent episode of Friendship IRL.
Here’s the truth: You probably have friendships that feel sticky right now. Maybe it’s because someone moved away. Maybe it’s because life circumstances shifted – new jobs, relationships, kids, or just different priorities. Maybe it’s because the pandemic changed how you all connect.
And if you’re being honest? You’re probably feeling some combination of:
- ▪️ Guilt about wanting new connections – Like you’re being disloyal to old friends by investing in new relationships
- ▪️ Confusion about why it’s so hard – You love these people, so why does every interaction feel forced?
- ▪️ Loneliness in the middle of it all – Even when you do connect, something feels off
Ivana described this perfectly: “If I like someone, if I connect with someone, I dive right into deep conversations… and that felt wrong because I was experiencing myself for the first time in a situation like this. I’m like, oh my god, I’m just spitting my heart to a stranger. And then comes the little devil sitting on the other shoulder saying, come on. You can’t do that. You have friends in Vienna.”
That internal conflict? It’s so common. We’re not supposed to talk about feeling disconnected from people we care about. We’re supposed to just say we love each other and leave it at that.
But what if the problem isn’t your friendship at all?
Why This Emotional Journey Is So Universal
Here’s what I’ve learned from talking to hundreds of people about their friendships: When we were younger, our friendships felt effortless because we were effortless.
Think about it. In school, your world was small. You went to class, you went home, you hung out with friends. Your biggest responsibility was probably homework and maybe a part-time job. Life was simple, so friendships could be all-consuming.
Now? You’re complex. You have careers, relationships, maybe kids, or aging parents. You live in different cities, work different schedules, and have different interests. Some of your friends are building online businesses while others work corporate jobs. Some are stay-at-home parents, while others are traveling the world.
In the complete episode, I go much deeper into why assuming someone can just understand all of us is probably going to set people up for disappointment. It’s a perspective that might help you see why your friendship dynamics feel so different now.
The ways you used to spend time together – the coffee dates, the spontaneous hangouts, the long phone calls – might not work anymore. And when the “how” of friendship changes, we think something’s wrong with the friendship itself.
But here’s the thing: Your friendship beliefs are probably still strong. You care about each other. You know each other’s history. You want the best for each other. What’s changed is how you connect – and that feels uncomfortable.
Ivana experienced this when video calls with her closest friends felt “weird,” even though she was comfortable making online connections for her business. Same person, same technology, different context. The discomfort wasn’t about the friendship – it was about learning a new way to be together.
Working Through the Discomfort
The only way out is through. (And yes, it’s going to feel awkward at first.)
Start by naming what’s actually happening. Instead of thinking “I’m a bad friend” or “something’s wrong with this friendship,” try: “This is just a new way of connecting, and it feels uncomfortable because it’s new.”
Ivana’s friend group finally realized this. When they were trying to coordinate that video call, someone had to say it out loud: “We all have to get out of our comfort zone a little bit.”
What if you said something similar? “Hey, I know this feels different than when we used to just grab coffee, but I want to figure out how to make this work.” Or: “I miss you, and I know scheduling calls feels formal compared to how we used to hang out, but I’d rather have scheduled time together than no time together.”
Accept that everyone needs to stretch a little. The friend with young kids might need to coordinate with their partner. The friend in a different time zone might need to take calls earlier or later than feels natural. You might need to get comfortable with video calls instead of in-person hangouts.
Nobody gets to stay in their exact comfort zone if you want the friendship to survive this transition.
Remember that discomfort doesn’t mean something’s wrong. When you get on that video call, and it feels awkward for the first few minutes, that’s normal. When you meet an online friend in person for the first time and don’t know whether to hug or shake hands, that’s normal. When you’re building new friendships and feel guilty about “replacing” old ones, that’s normal.
The complete episode explores how I actually learned to move through this discomfort – the specific moments when I had to choose vulnerability over safety, and how I learned to let people into my life in ways that felt terrifying but necessary. If you’re curious about what that process actually looks like, it’s all in there.
What’s Possible on the Other Side
Here’s what Ivana discovered when she stopped resisting online connections: “I wouldn’t have been on this podcast. I wouldn’t be on many other shows I will be in the future. And I wouldn’t have met my coworking buddy, who has become a friend now – we have been working together for over a year online.”
When you’re willing to get uncomfortable, you don’t just save existing friendships – you open yourself up to connections you never imagined possible.
Your friend who moved across the country? You might discover that your monthly video calls become deeper than your old coffee dates because you’re both more intentional about the time.
That new person in your life who shares your current interests? They’re not replacing your old friends – they’re adding a new dimension to your support system.
Those online connections that feel “less real”? They might become some of your most meaningful relationships because they’re built on who you are now, not who you used to be.
The goal isn’t to go back to how things were. The goal is to figure out how things can be now.
I share so much more in the full episode about what it means to navigate these friendship transitions – having some relationships that require more effort while building new ones that feel effortless. There’s something powerful about hearing the whole story that I think will shift how you see the people around you.
Your Next Step
Consider the “how” in your friendships. Are there places where they’re sticky, new, or awkward? Can you name it, and then work through it? What discomforts can you lean into to keep these connections intact?
Maybe it’s sending that text to schedule a call. Maybe it’s admitting to a friend that you miss them but don’t know how to stay connected, given your different life circumstances. Maybe it’s accepting an invitation to an online event or reaching out to someone new.
Remember: the only way out is through. And on the other side of that discomfort? Deeper, more intentional connections than you might have thought possible.
Want to hear the full conversation with Ivana? Listen to Episode 47 of Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. We dive deep into the emotional journey of maintaining long-distance friendships, building meaningful online connections, and learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
And if this episode resonates with you, send it to a friend who might need to hear it too. Sometimes the best way to work through friendship discomfort is to start talking about it.
