I’m going to say the unspoken thing outloud: Making friends as an adult can feel scary as hell.
You know what I’m talking about. That moment when you realize you want deeper connections but have no idea how to create them. When you try meetups and networking events and they feel… surface-level. When you leave social gatherings thinking, “That was nice, but I still feel lonely.”
If you’ve been there, you’re going to love today’s story.
My friend Alexandra Friedman was sitting in her high-rise Seattle apartment in May 2018, looking out at the rain and gray sky, feeling completely alone. She’d just gone through a breakup, moved back to a city she’d left 18 years earlier, and despite trying all the usual advice – meetups, work connections, reaching out to old contacts – nothing was creating the deep connections she craved.
So she did something most people never do: She took control of her situation and created exactly what she needed.
The Birth of Social Art
Instead of continuing to hope that meaningful friendships would just happen, Alexandra decided to host monthly dinner parties with a twist. Each one would have a theme designed to foster deeper conversation and real connection.
The first theme? Fear.
“I was so scared,” she told me, “that I didn’t even facilitate. I just said, ‘Here’s the theme,’ and then I didn’t do anything else.”
But something magical happened. People kept coming back. They wanted more. They craved the deeper connections these gatherings created.
What started as personal dinner parties eventually became Connection Feast – a social wellness company that has now hosted close to 200 events helping people create authentic community through what Alexandra calls “social art.”
Here’s why I’m telling you this story: Alexandra didn’t wait for community to find her. She built it.
Why Structure Actually Helps Us Connect
One of the most fascinating things about Alexandra’s approach is how she uses structure to help adults be more playful – and therefore more open to genuine connection.
Think about it: When was the last time you played as an adult? Really played?
“It’s so hard for adults to play,” I realized during our conversation. “And play is how we make friends, especially when we’re younger.”
Alexandra creates what she calls “structured play” – events with themes like emotional intelligence or vulnerability, but designed with enough playfulness that people feel safe stepping outside their comfort zones together.
“The playfulness allows us to shake away the perfectionism that easily overtakes our minds,” she explained. (btw – That’s the Liking Gap) “It helps us engage our senses, which our culture and daily demands easily shake out of us.”
When you’re doing something slightly silly or unfamiliar with a group of people, you’re all vulnerable together. That shared experience creates connection faster than months of small talk.
The Art of Letting Friendships Flow
Here’s where Alexandra’s philosophy gets really interesting. Through hosting hundreds of connection events, she’s learned to approach friendships like water.
“I allow friendships to flow,” she told me. “Sometimes people come in and ride the waves with me. Other times, they’re on a totally different current, or I’m on a different current. We’re not necessarily going down the same path.”
This isn’t about being casual or uncommitted. It’s about recognizing that people come into our lives for different reasons, at different times, for different durations – and all of that can be valuable.
“Sometimes a friendship lasts a month. Sometimes it lasts years,” Alexandra said. “People come into our lives, and it could be for these little blip moments of time. Sometimes it offers us a gift. Sometimes it offers the other person a gift.”
The Dangerous Trap of Reciprocity Scorekeeping
One of the most painful patterns Alexandra sees in people seeking deeper friendships is what she calls “reciprocity scorekeeping” – keeping track of who texts first, who initiates plans, who remembers birthdays, who shows up when.
“Really high expectations of tit-for-tat in friendship,” she explained. “It’s like they’re almost keeping record. The ironic part is that the more we think about it, the more it will happen. The more it becomes our truth.”
This is especially problematic when you’re friends with people in different life stages. If you have a friend in their 60s with adult children and you’re single and dating, expecting the same type of availability and interaction style will set you up for disappointment every time.
“It can’t necessarily be tit-for-tat because we’re in totally different areas of our lives,” Alexandra noted. “The expectations almost have to drop.”
The Beauty of Cross-Generational Friendships
Speaking of different life stages, Alexandra has discovered something beautiful about building friendships across age groups: it forces you to drop unrealistic expectations while gaining incredibly valuable perspectives.
“I have made so many beautiful friendships with people of a variety of ages,” she shared. “It helps me not only feel like I can talk about different parts of my life with these people and get their perspectives, but also see what’s going on for them.”
When your friend is dealing with college-aged kids and you’re navigating dating apps, you can’t expect the same communication patterns. But what you gain is insight into different ways of living, different challenges, different wisdom.
“It gives me examples of ways of living that I didn’t necessarily have visibility into before,” Alexandra explained. “Then I can reach out to those people for very specific things.”
The Small Habits That Build Big Friendships
Here’s something crucial that both Alexandra and I have learned: Meaningful friendships aren’t built through dramatic gestures or instant connections. They’re built through small, consistent actions over time.
“It’s literally day-by-day. Little habits. Consistency,” Alexandra said. “These things that we do in our lives to make us better and the learning and sharing and building on that – it’s really where I’ve seen people thrive in friendship the most.”
This reminded me of James Clear’s concept in “Atomic Habits” – starting so small you can’t fail. Want to be someone who makes and maintains friends? Start by texting one person per month. After you’ve done that consistently, maybe it becomes one person per week. Then maybe you propose one meetup per month.
The key is deciding you ARE the type of person who builds friendships, then proving it to yourself through tiny, consistent actions.
Why You Need to Put Yourself in the Right Places
Here’s something both Alexandra and I believe deeply: So much of friendship and community comes down to putting yourself in places where you can be around the right people.
This isn’t about going anywhere and everywhere hoping to meet someone. It’s about consistently showing up to activities, events, or spaces that align with your values and interests.
“You are so greatly impacted by the people around you,” Alexandra pointed out. “It’s actually quite scary. You’re more likely to be unhealthy if you’re around other people living an unhealthy lifestyle.”
The reverse is also true. When you consistently put yourself around people who share your values – whether that’s through Connection Feast events, recreational sports leagues, volunteer work, or hobby groups – you naturally start surrounding yourself with people who influence you in positive ways.
“Over time, those relationships start to deepen, and then one day it’s ‘Let’s grab tea, let’s grab coffee and go on a walk,’ and those friendships develop because you realize, ‘Oh wow, we’re already so deeply connected.’”
The Reality Check We All Need
Before you think Alexandra and I have figured it all out, let me share something important: We both still have areas where we struggle with friendship.
Alexandra admitted she wants to become “a team sports person” but has been intimidated by group activities. I confessed that while launching my podcast and finishing my book, I’ve let my friendship maintenance habits slip.
“Even people like us have our own opportunities for exploring how to deepen our friendships,” Alexandra said.
This never ends. Every time we think we’ve got friendship figured out, life throws us new challenges. Friends move away. Life circumstances change. New opportunities for connection appear.
And that’s actually the beauty of it.
Your Next Step
If you’re feeling lonely or wanting deeper connections, here’s what I want you to take from Alexandra’s story:
Stop waiting for community to find you. Build it.
You don’t have to start a whole company like Alexandra did. But you can:
- Host a monthly dinner party with a simple theme
- Join a recreational sports league
- Attend events like Connection Feast where deeper conversation is encouraged
- Start a book club or walking group
- Volunteer for causes you care about
Choose one small action and commit to it consistently. Remember, you’re proving to yourself that you ARE someone who builds meaningful relationships.
Let go of scorekeeping. Focus on what you can offer rather than what you’re not receiving
Embrace the flow. Some friendships will be brief but meaningful. Others will last decades. Both have value.
Put yourself around the right people repeatedly. Friendship requires proximity and time. You can’t build relationships with people you never see.
The Beautiful Truth About Adult Friendship
Here’s what Alexandra’s story teaches us: Making friends as an adult isn’t just possible – it’s an art form. And like any art form, it requires intentionality, practice, and willingness to be vulnerable.
You don’t have to be stuck feeling lonely or wishing you had deeper connections. You have more power to create the community you want than you realize.
Sometimes that means being the person who reaches out first. Sometimes it means hosting the gathering. Sometimes it means showing up consistently to the same activities until familiarity turns into friendship.
But it always means deciding that you’re worth the effort – and that meaningful connection is worth the risk of putting yourself out there.
As Alexandra puts it: “How good of a friend am I being to myself first?”
Start there. The rest will follow.
What’s one small action you could take this week to put yourself in a place where meaningful connections might develop? And more importantly, what’s stopping you from taking it?
