Have you ever left a perfectly pleasant conversation with a neighbor, coworker, or random person at a coffee shop, only to spend the next few hours replaying every word you said?
I shouldn’t have mentioned that thing about my job. Did I talk too much? They probably think I’m weird. God, I hope I don’t run into them again.
If this sounds familiar, congratulations – you’re human. And you’re experiencing something psychologists call “the liking gap.”
Here’s what’s wild: while you’re spiraling about how awkward you probably seemed, that other person is likely walking away thinking you were perfectly pleasant. Maybe even hoping they’ll see you again.
Your brain is literally tricking you into thinking you’re less likable than you actually are. And it’s keeping you from the very connections that could make you happier, more grounded, and more fulfilled.
Let’s get real about what’s happening here – and more importantly, how to fight back.
The Problem: We’re Avoiding Connection (And It’s Costing Us)
I was thinking about this recently because a few episodes back, I dove deep into something called “third places” – those community spaces where you can connect with familiar faces and meet new people. But I realized that for a lot of you, the idea of actually talking to people you don’t know well feels overwhelming.
Maybe you’re thinking: “That sounds great in theory, Alex, but I don’t like talking to people I don’t know. It’s scary. I’m an introvert. It’s exhausting.”
I get it. But here’s the thing – we’re collectively avoiding some of the most important relationships for our overall social wellness. We’re so focused on our closest people that we’re missing out on what researchers call “weak ties” – those casual connections with neighbors, acquaintances, and community members.
And the cost? We’re walking through the world feeling less connected, less supported, and frankly, more anxious about our place in it.
The Science: What Exactly Is the Liking Gap?
Research from the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School introduced this concept in 2018, and it’s pretty straightforward: people commonly underestimate how well they’re liked after interacting with another person.
Here’s how I like to explain it. Imagine you just had a random chat with someone at the coffee shop. As you walk away, your phone buzzes with a notification: “Please rate this interaction.”
You think about how you probably came across and rate yourself a 6 out of 10. But then it asks you to rate them – and you give them a 9 because they seemed nice and pleasant.
A few minutes later, you get their rating of you: a 9.
That gap between your self-rating (6) and their actual rating of you (9) is the liking gap. And if you leave every interaction feeling like it went worse than it actually did, you’re probably going to stop putting yourself out there.
Why Our Brains Do This to Us
There are four main reasons the liking gap happens:
1. We’re stuck doing our own analysis. That helpful rating app doesn’t exist, so we’re left guessing how the interaction went for someone we barely know. We have to evaluate everything through the lens of their potential biases, situations, and preferences – none of which we actually know.
2. We have no emotional intimacy roots with them. We don’t know their beliefs, preferences, or life situations, which makes it hard to trust that our interaction was enjoyable for them. We have no evidence to build that simple story: “They liked talking to me.”
3. We are our own worst critic. Our internal dialogue is intense and often negative. Even a third party watching the same interaction would probably rate us higher than we rate ourselves.
4. Uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. We’re putting ourselves out there with someone new, and our body’s natural response is to protect us by saying: “We don’t know anything about this person. Get out of here.”
Here’s what’s particularly fascinating: that innate trust we used to have in random strangers and acquaintances – what researchers call “weak ties” – has deteriorated decade over decade. We’ve collectively lost faith in the people around us, which makes every interaction feel more uncertain and uncomfortable.
The complete episode dives much deeper into the research behind weak ties and how this collective trust has shifted over time. If you’re curious about the broader societal implications, it’s all in there.
The Solution: 5 Ways to Fight Back Against the Liking Gap
The good news? Once you understand what’s happening, you can start to counteract it. Here are five strategies that actually work:
1. Look for the Good Signals
Instead of scanning for signs that the interaction went poorly, actively look for evidence that you left a positive impression.
When you’re in conversation, notice:
- ▪️ Are they maintaining eye contact?
- ▪️ Do they ask follow-up questions?
- ▪️ Are they leaning in or facing you?
- ▪️ Do they seem genuinely interested in what you’re saying?
Most of our attention goes to looking for bad reactions – someone glancing away, seeming distracted, curling their nose. But that glance away could be because of a loud car outside, not because you said something wrong.
Train yourself to collect evidence of the good stuff.
2. Go Back Again
This one’s simple but powerful: if you’ve convinced yourself an interaction was less than ideal, go chat with them again.
If they actually enjoyed talking to you, they’re going to light up when they see you. They’ll stick around, say hi, maybe even approach you first. Consider it practice – and the more you do this instead of running away after that first interaction, the more evidence you’ll build that you’re actually an enjoyable person to be around.
3. Accept That Sometimes the Liking Gap Helps
The liking gap isn’t all bad – it keeps us from saying wildly inappropriate things. It just takes its job too far sometimes.
When you’re reflecting on an interaction, pick one thing you might want to do differently next time, then let the rest go. Your brain is trying to protect you – just don’t let it run the whole show.
4. Go Toward the Depth
Here’s where some of you might say “Really, Alex?” But I’m telling you, it’s true.
There are numerous studies showing that people feel happier and more connected when they have relatively deep conversations with people they just met. The more shallow the conversations, the more awkward people feel.
Why? When you go a little deeper, you start to see that this person is actually human. They have unique traits, qualities, and passions. Maybe they’re the first person you’ve met who shares a certain interest or life experience.
This doesn’t mean trauma-dumping or sharing your deepest secrets. It means:
- ▪️ Sharing something small about who you are
- ▪️ Following up basic questions with curiosity
- ▪️ Instead of “What do you do for work?” try “If you could do anything for work, what would you do?”
- ▪️ Instead of “Where are you from?” try “If you could move anywhere, where would you move?”
- ▪️ Instead of surface-level life updates, ask “What are you doing right now that brings you joy?”
People want to be invited in a little bit. So let them in.
In the full episode, I share much more about the specific energy shifts that happen when we focus too hard on being liked versus being present in conversation. There’s something powerful about understanding this dynamic that I think will change how you approach these interactions.
Studies show that both men and women get equal enjoyment from deeper conversations. Extroverts and introverts benefit equally. People who have meaningful conversations with weak ties often feel just as positive as when they have deep conversations with close friends.
5. Trust in the Power of Positive Interactions
Small acts of kindness matter more than we think. Helping someone load groceries, holding a door, offering to cover someone’s $2 coffee when they’re scrambling for cash – these aren’t meaningless gestures.
There’s a reason social media accounts full of people doing kind things for strangers have millions of followers. We all love watching kindness in action because we love experiencing it, both as givers and receivers.
Just because it’s not the biggest, wildest act of service doesn’t mean it’s not valuable. Trust that doing small things has positive effects.
The Bigger Picture: Why Weak Ties Matter for Your Wellbeing
I know some of you are still squirming at the idea of talking to strangers and acquaintances. I get it. But here’s why this matters beyond just being “nicer”:
These simple interactions contribute to our overall social wellness. Much of the relationship advice out there focuses on family, romantic partners, or close friends. But I firmly believe it’s this collective – our formal communities, neighbors, clubs, the broader community around us – that supports our wellbeing day to day.
Belonging Is Survival, Not a Luxury
Those weak tie relationships? Developing them fosters a sense of belonging, which is a basic human need for survival.
When we feel like we belong:
- ▪️ We trust that in a bad situation, the people around us would help
- ▪️ We walk through the world less apprehensive
- ▪️ We feel anchored – like we’re meant to be where we are
- ▪️ We have less anxiety about whether we “should be here”
Belonging also opens us up to countless possible connections. It fills what I call the “friendship funnel” – helping us see the potential in people we could connect with, the variety of people and ways of living that exist.
If you’ve built a close friend group that’s very similar to you, these simple interactions help you realize there are more people out there, more ways to live, more interests to explore. There are people who share your niche passions, people who are examples that your goals can be achieved, people who would genuinely help you.
Building Your Belonging Muscle
Here’s the thing about belonging: it’s a muscle, and we’re all individually responsible for building it.
We lower our own threat levels and discomfort by putting ourselves out there – just like any other area of life. I’m less terrified to go to the gym and pick up a kettlebell because I’ve built the belief that I belong there, that I know how to lift weights. Nobody could do that work for me.
Building your sense of belonging in your communities is no different. You have to show up. You have to put in the repetition to start wearing down your brain’s resistance and that liking gap.
You have to build enough evidence to trust that you’re an enjoyable person to interact with most of the time. And when someone doesn’t enjoy interacting with you? That’s okay – because you’ll have 100 pieces of evidence showing that the majority of people do.
A Real-World Example of Why This Matters
Let me leave you with this: there’s a 2004 study published in Science Magazine that found commuting is associated with fewer positive emotions than almost any other daily activity.
We avoid eye contact, stare at our phones, and collectively assume nobody wants to talk to anyone else. We’ve spent money on noise-canceling headphones and more spacious seating – all because we believe nobody wants to interact with strangers.
But here’s what the researcher noticed: when people were forced to interact with strangers during their commute, they perked up. They became more cheerful. It actually improved their mood.
Maybe that’s “putting on a mask,” or maybe it’s just that interacting with others forces us to remember we’re part of something bigger than our own heads. On days when we have a mix of interactions – both with close people and casual acquaintances – those are the days we feel happiest.
I share much more in the full episode about what it means to tap into this collective energy versus staying stuck in our own analysis. There’s something about understanding this shift that I think will change how you move through your day.
Your Next Step
So here’s what I actually want you to do: pay attention to your liking gap this week.
Notice when you leave an interaction and immediately start spiraling about how it went. Catch yourself in that analysis loop and ask: What evidence do I actually have that this went poorly?
Then try one small thing from the list above. Look for good signals. Go back and chat with that person again. Share something slightly deeper than surface level.
The only thing that’s going to wear down that doubt is starting to shift how you go into these interactions.
Because here’s the truth: we can’t keep talking about relationships in silos – just family, just romantic partners, just close friends. We’re spending huge chunks of our lives with casual acquaintances, community members, and strangers. These relationships matter. They anchor us. They set the foundation for everything else.
And your brain is working against you when it comes to building them.
Now you know why – and more importantly, you know how to fight back.
Ready to dive deeper? Listen to the full episode where I explore the research behind weak ties, share more about the energy shifts that happen in conversation, and discuss what it really means to build belonging in your community.
Reflection question: How often do you interact with strangers or casual acquaintances? If it’s not very often, what’s stopping you?
Want more insights on building authentic connections? Subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you listen to podcasts – because friendship is survival, not a luxury.
