Here’s what nobody tells you about chosen family: it’s not something you declare. It’s not a conversation where you sit someone down and say, “You’re my chosen family now.”
It’s sweatpants instead of jeans. It’s showing up to someone’s house when it’s a mess. It’s offering to hold their three-week-old at 2 AM so they can sleep. It’s the accumulated moments when you drop the performance and let someone see the real, messy version of your life.
In this episode, I sit down with Jeff Spangler, one of MY chosen family members. We’ve known each other for 13 years. We were roommates after college. We’ve been through moves, marriages, babies, and all the life transitions that usually strain friendships. And somehow, we never questioned whether we were still friends.
Jeff comes from a great family of origin. He didn’t NEED chosen family the way I did. But he chose it anyway. Because chosen family isn’t about filling a void. It’s about expanding your circle to include people who show up authentically, who drop the barriers, who make life feel a little less performative.
This conversation traces how a friendship becomes family. Not through grand declarations, but through small choices to be real with each other.
The Moment You Realize Someone Is Family (Even Though You Never Said It Out Loud)
I asked Jeff when he thinks we decided we were chosen family. His answer? He’s not sure we ever DID.
“I’ve never really seen a divide between what makes a friend and what makes a family member. When you develop friendships and you connect on a deeper level, it literally becomes family to me.”
And here’s the thing about that: it’s a feeling, not a label.
Jeff grew up with amazing parents. He has a twin brother (though they’re complete opposites and didn’t have the best relationship growing up). His family of origin was solid. But he still leaned into this idea of chosen family because… why not? Why wouldn’t you expand your circle to include more people who feel like home?
We didn’t have some big conversation where we decided, “Okay, we’re chosen family now.” We just… were. Through years of showing up for each other. Through moves across states. Through months of not talking and then picking up like no time had passed.
“Do we talk every day? No. Can it be months at a time that we go apart? 100%. But I’ve learned that you don’t have to talk on a day-to-day basis to be a deep friend with somebody.”
That trust. That’s what makes it family. The trust that when you DO call, the other person wants to hear from you. The trust that time and distance don’t threaten the connection. The trust that you can show up in sweatpants and nobody’s keeping score.
The Two Things We Do Differently as Kids (That We Should Bring Back as Adults)
Think about the first time you went to a friend’s house for dinner as a kid. You got this window into the fact that other people live DIFFERENTLY.
Different brands in the pantry. Different routines. Your family sat at the dining table; their family sat on the floor around the TV. Your family told stories from their day; their family said grace.
It was a little uncomfortable. But it was also fascinating, right? You started collecting information about all the different ways people could live. And as a kid, most of these choices were pretty inconsequential. The brand of cereal didn’t really matter. And even if you DID have an opinion, you were a kid. Your parents made the final call.
But here’s what we did as kids that we stopped doing as adults:
1. We let people see our mess.
When your friend came over after school, they saw your room. They saw your parents get annoyed. They saw you get in trouble. You couldn’t hide it. They were RIGHT THERE.
As adults? We clean the house before people come over. We put on real clothes. We stage our lives like we’re shooting a Pinterest board. And then we wonder why friendships feel surface-level.
2. We stayed curious about different choices.
When you saw that your friend’s family did things differently, you didn’t immediately judge it as WRONG. You just thought, “Huh. Interesting. That’s not how WE do it.” Maybe you even thought, “I want to do it THAT way when I grow up.”
As adults? We make a choice, and then we need our friends to CONFIRM that choice. We’re looking for validation. And if our friend makes a different choice? We either judge theirs as lesser than, or we feel threatened that maybe we made the wrong one.
But what if we stayed curious? What if we asked, “Why did you choose that? What do you like about it?” without assigning positive or negative to their answer?
That’s the skill that turns friendship friction into friendship fuel.
There’s so much more in the full episode about how Jeff and I actually practiced this over 13 years. Listen here.
The Moment Jeff Realized Friendship Could Be Less Performative
Jeff told me this story that I think perfectly captures what changes when you drop the barriers.
He grew up with military parents. Very structured life. Make your bed. Leave the house in jeans. If you’re going to a friend’s house, you wear JEANS.
And then he started hanging out with Michael (my husband) and his brother Scotty in college.
“I’ve never seen so many sweatpants and slippers in casual settings. And I slowly started to adapt to that. Even just appearance-wise, it didn’t matter.”
He laughed telling me this. Because it seems like such a small thing, right? Sweatpants versus jeans.
But it’s NOT small.
It’s the difference between showing up as the version of yourself you think people want to see… and showing up as yourself. Period.
And once Jeff realized he could show up in sweatpants? Everything else got easier.
“Just being able to come from wherever you just came from, even if you just came from the gym, throw some deodorant on and who cares?”
That’s when friendship stops feeling like work. When you’re not constantly performing. When you trust that the other person wants YOU, not the polished version you think they expect.
Michael and I actually make it a point to wear sweatpants when people come over now. Because we want them to know they can show up however they are. We want to drop that barrier early. Because if the difference between you showing up and not coming is that you don’t want to put on makeup or real pants after a long Sunday? DON’T. Just come.
“Let’s eliminate some of the factors that are silly reasons. If you’re going to tell me you don’t want to come over just because you don’t want to put on a full face of makeup and get dressed, let’s drop that barrier.”
The more barriers you drop, the more opportunity you have to bond. To be RAW with each other. To stop presenting yourself in a certain light and just… be.
What It Actually Looks Like When Chosen Family Shows Up
Three weeks after Jeff and his wife Ally had their daughter Loe, I went to stay with them.
Let me be clear: this was a VULNERABLE time. Sleep-deprived. Messy house. Ally was nursing around the clock. Jeff was trying to keep everything afloat. And I just… showed up. Held the baby. Let them sleep. Picked up around the house without asking.
And here’s what Jeff said about that moment:
“I knew if Alex came over and was just holding the baby, I could sleep and not feel guilt about not talking with Alex on the couch. If I saw her picking up at my house, I wasn’t going to second-guess her and be like, ‘Wait, you don’t need to do that.’ She’s doing it because she wants to and she’s helping right now. That’s the family friendship I feel.”
That’s chosen family. Not waiting to be asked. Not keeping score. Not needing everything to be perfect before you let someone in.
But here’s the interesting part: Ally and I hadn’t known each other that long at that point. Jeff and I had eight years of history. Ally and I had maybe two.
And yet, she let me in. She let me sit with her in the middle of the night. She let me see her at her most vulnerable. She trusted that if I was important to Jeff, and if I was showing up to help, that was enough.
I asked Jeff if there was ever any pushback from Ally about letting us (me, Michael, Scotty) into their lives so fully. He said no. Because he never pressured her to be friends with us. He just… let it happen naturally.
“I wanted her friendship with other friends of mine to just be natural. The level of friend she’s going to be with you is going to be on her own personal agenda.”
And then something beautiful happened: Ally developed her own friendships with us. Sometimes even deeper than Jeff’s in certain areas. And Jeff never felt threatened by that. He was THRILLED.
“Someone that’s so important to me in my life is becoming important to another person that’s important to me. That’s fantastic.”
In the full episode, Jeff and I talk about what it’s like when your partner becomes friends with your friends and how that expands the chosen family circle even more.
The Things We Do Because We Decided We’re Family
Chosen family isn’t just a warm fuzzy feeling. It’s a commitment to ACT differently.
Here are some of the things Jeff and I do because we’ve chosen this:
We prioritize calling on holidays. Even if it’s just a quick FaceTime. Even if we’re with our families of origin. We carve out time to check in with each other.
We vocalize it. Jeff calls me “sis.” I’ve told him he’s like another brother. These aren’t throwaway terms. They mean something. They’re a reminder that this is the level of commitment we’re making to each other.
We try to see each other’s families. When we’re in town, we don’t just see Jeff and Ally. We want to see their parents. His in-laws. Because they’re part of the family too.
We offer help without expectation. Like me showing up after Loe was born. Or Jeff saying, “If you ever need anything, call me.” And MEANING it.
We show up unscripted. When Jeff and Ally came to visit us a few weeks ago, we didn’t plan some big elaborate weekend. We just… hung out. Went to a one-year-old’s birthday party together. Sat around in sweatpants. Let there be space for naps and quiet moments. Because the POINT was just being together.
“We went by the seat of our pants, and that was great. We were together. It was great.”
And here’s what I want you to hear: these aren’t grand gestures. They’re small, consistent choices to prioritize each other. To drop the performance. To trust that the other person wants you around even when life is messy.
What Chosen Family Actually Means (And What It Doesn’t)
I asked Jeff what he thinks someone should do if they have a friendship that feels like chosen family but they’re not sure how to address it.
His answer was perfect:
“I feel like it’s something you could address if you want and just kind of talk to someone about how much they mean to you. But I think at the same time, it’s also one of the things that doesn’t necessarily have to be addressed. It can just be organic.”
He’s right. Jeff and I never had a formal conversation about this until NOW. It just… developed. Through time. Through showing up for each other. Through accumulated moments of trust.
But here’s what I’ll add: if you DO need to say it, say it.
I had to do this. I didn’t have a choice. If I wanted a support system, I had to trust fall into it. And thank goodness, I had people around me who caught me.
But I also think being HONEST about what you need creates a more vibrant support system than most people have. Because when you’re vulnerable enough to say, “I need this kind of support,” people have the opportunity to show up for you in ways you didn’t even know they wanted to.
“You never know where someone may want to show up in your life. They may need that opportunity to present itself to know that they would love to do that for you.”
So if you have a friend who feels like family? Tell them. Offer to help in the ways family would help. Ask for support in the ways you’d ask family for support.
And if they don’t reciprocate at the same level? That’s okay. You can still choose to show up that way. You can’t control their response. But you CAN control how you show up.
Because here’s the truth: family are just people. Blood-related family don’t HAVE to show up. They can say no. It’s still a risk to ask, no matter what.
So maybe the real skill is getting more practiced at broadening your asks. At offering help without expectation. At trusting that the people who want to be in your life will show you through their actions.
The Barriers You Drop Are What Build the Bond
Chosen family doesn’t happen through a declaration. It happens when you stop performing and start being real.
It’s wearing sweatpants to someone’s house. It’s leaving the dishes in the sink when people come over. It’s saying, “I need help,” even when it’s scary. It’s offering to show up, even when it’s inconvenient.
It’s trusting that time and distance don’t threaten the connection. It’s staying curious about the different choices your friends make instead of judging them. It’s letting people see your mess and trusting they’ll still want to be there.
The barriers you drop are what build the bond.
Jeff and I have been friends for 13 years. We’ve lived together, moved apart, gotten married (well, I did), had kids (well, he did), and gone through all the life transitions that usually end friendships.
And we never once questioned whether we were still friends.
Because we dropped the barriers early. We let each other in. We chose to believe that the other person cared, even when months went by without talking. We showed up in sweatpants and offered help without keeping score.
That’s chosen family. Not a label. A feeling. One that develops when you stop performing and let people into the real, messy version of your life.
This conversation with Jeff goes so much deeper into what it actually takes to build and maintain chosen family over time. If you’ve ever wondered how to do this in your own friendships, this episode will give you a roadmap.
