“In a world where we’re pretty much all constantly wandering around, worrying that we’re not enough, we can tell our friends and ourselves exactly how to be enough for each other. What a beautiful gift that is.”
Let’s get real for a minute.
A few weeks ago, someone slid into my DMs with a question that stopped me in my tracks: “Hey, can you give me the steps? How should I go about demoting a friend?”
Demoting. A. Friend.
The word itself made my heart sink a little. Because here was someone who clearly cared about their friendship – they weren’t looking to burn bridges or ghost anyone. They just felt stuck in a relationship that used to feel good but somehow… didn’t anymore. Their friend wasn’t showing up the way they expected, disappointment was building, and they were past the point of wanting to “fight about it.”
Sound familiar?
Here’s what I told them – and what I want to tell you if you’ve ever felt this way about a friendship that’s shifted: Your friendship isn’t broken. It doesn’t need a demotion. It needs a beautiful readjustment.
The Problem with “Friendship Peaks”
We’ve been sold this myth about friendship that’s honestly pretty toxic when you think about it. The idea goes like this: Good friendships just keep getting closer and closer and closer. You add more expectations, more responsibilities, more emotional labor to each other’s plates. Up and up and up until you reach some magical “peak” of friendship.
And if something happens and you’re not at that peak anymore? Well… something must be wrong.
But think about that plate metaphor for a second. If someone kept adding food to your plate – another serving here, a little more there, never taking anything off – how would that feel? Overwhelming? Unsustainable? Like you could never possibly finish everything you’re supposed to consume?
That’s what we’re doing to our friendships. We’re not creating peaks – we’re creating impossible mountains of expectations that nobody can climb.
In the full episode, I go much deeper into why this “peak” mentality is actually setting our friendships up to fail, and how the most beautiful friendships are actually the ones that know how to shift and adjust. It’s a perspective that might completely change how you see friendship challenges.
The Reframe That Changes Everything
Here’s the truth: The best version of friendship isn’t the one where you’ve collected the most responsibilities and expectations. It’s the one where you’re constantly adjusting, shifting, giving each other reprieve in hard seasons.
Instead of “me versus them” (which is what a “demotion” really is), what if we approached friendship changes as “us versus the problem”? What if the goal wasn’t for you to win or them to win, but for the relationship itself to win?
This isn’t about lowering your standards or settling for less. It’s about getting more specific about what actually matters.
Instead of asking “What do I expect from this friendship?” try asking:
- ▪️ What do you enjoy about this friendship?
- ▪️ How do you feel most supported by it?
- ▪️ What’s meaningful about it to you?
Let those answers guide your expectations, not some arbitrary list of what a “friend” should do.
When you approach friendship this way, something magical happens. You’re not wandering around worrying that you’re not enough for each other. You’re literally telling each other exactly how to be enough. What a beautiful gift that is.
And here’s the thing – the way that works right now may not work a year, five years, or even three months from now. Which is why talking about this stuff and checking in is so important. You can constantly be doing this loving adjustment in your friendship.
The Three Paths Forward (And Why Most People Pick the Wrong One)
When a friendship starts feeling off, most of us default to one of two approaches – and both miss the mark.
Path 1: Avoid the “Fight”
This is where the original DM originated. “I’m past the point in my life where I want to have a fight about this.” And I get it – somewhere along the way, we’ve been told that good friendships should just be easy. No conflict, no work, no sweat.
But here’s what I hate to break to you: Every relationship requires work. And more importantly, a fight and healthy conflict are very different things.
If you choose this path, you’re still doing work – you’re just doing it alone. You’re either forcing yourself to show up as an old version of yourself (exhausting) or you’re cutting the friendship off entirely and dealing with that loss.
Path 2: Do It All Yourself
Maybe you decide to just… lower your expectations. See them as more of an acquaintance. Figure it out on your own without any messy conversations.
The problem? Your friend has no idea what’s happening. As your behavior changes, they will wonder what they did wrong. That confusion and hurt will likely make them pull back further, creating exactly the distance you were trying to manage.
Path 3: Do the Work Together (This is the one I’m rooting for)
This is where you approach the situation as a growth opportunity. You focus on feelings instead of blame. You brainstorm solutions together.
You might say something like: “Hey, I’ve been feeling like our friendship doesn’t quite feel the same anymore. Maybe we could talk about ways for it to feel good again, with all the changes that have been happening.”
Notice what’s happening here? It’s not “you’re doing something wrong.” It’s “I want our friendship to feel good again.”
The complete episode walks through exactly how to have these conversations – the specific words to use, how to listen for what feels like a win for both of you, and why this process takes time to feel normal. If you’re nervous about approaching a friend this way, there’s so much more guidance in there.
Why Conflict Is Actually a Love Language
Can we talk about something for a minute? We’ve been told that friendships should just be easy. That true friends just happen. That if there’s any conflict, it’s not worth it.
This is honestly one of the most damaging messages about friendship I’ve ever heard.
Conflict – when it’s approached in a healthy way – actually encourages deeper understanding. It improves communication. It helps you progress toward a more fulfilling relationship with each person in your current life.
The key is to focus on feelings and brainstorm how you both can “win.” It’s approaching the conversation with curiosity instead of blame.
Sure, you might be too old to get in a dramatic fight about it. But healthy conflict? That’s not about age – that’s about caring enough to work through the hard stuff together.
The Beautiful Truth About Friendship Evolution
Here’s what I want you to walk away understanding: When you work through a friendship realignment, you don’t end up with a “lesser than” version. You end up with something stronger.
Because you both put in the work to prioritize this friendship. You made it work in its new version. You chose each other, even when it was uncomfortable.
That other version of your friendship? It was great. It was beautiful. But now you’re building the new, equally beautiful version that actually works for who you are today.
I share so much more in the full episode about what this process actually looks like in real time – the conversations, the adjustments, the moments when it feels awkward before it feels natural. There’s something powerful about hearing the whole story, which I think will help you view your own friendship challenges differently.
Your Friendship Isn’t Failing – It’s Growing
We aren’t talking about these friendship shifts enough. When we talk about them, we use terms like “demotion” that make the whole situation feel sad and limiting.
But what if we celebrated these moments instead? What if we could say, “Yeah, that was a rough period when she moved away, but we figured out a new normal”?
What if we saw friendship realignment not as something to be ashamed of, but as proof that we care enough to do the work?
Because here’s the thing – every friendship that lasts goes through seasons like this. The ones that make it aren’t the ones that never change. They’re the ones who know how to change together.
The way your friendship works right now might not work a year from now. And that’s not a problem to solve – it’s a feature, not a bug. It means you’re both growing, evolving, becoming new versions of yourselves.
And the most beautiful friendships? They’re the ones that grow together.
Let me ask you this: Do you have a friendship that has changed over time? What caused those changes? And how did you go about facilitating them – did it involve a conversation, or did it naturally evolve?
I’d love to hear your story. And if this episode resonated with you, I hope you’ll take a listen to the full conversation. There’s so much more nuance and practical guidance that I think could really shift how you approach friendship challenges.
Listen to Episode 45: “Friendship Demotions (and How To Build Even Better Friendships)” wherever you get your podcasts. And while you’re there, hit subscribe – because we’re going to keep having these conversations that nobody else is having about friendship.
