Here’s a question that might make you a little uncomfortable:
Are you actually more fun when you drink? Or have you just convinced yourself that you need liquid courage to be interesting?
My recent podcast guest, Hitha Palepu, asked herself the same question at 39 years old. She’d been using alcohol as her social crutch for her entire adult life: that glass of wine before networking events, the cocktail to loosen up at parties, the ritual of unwinding with friends over drinks.
Then she decided to test herself. Could she get through an event without drinking and see what happened?
“Turns out I had a better time than if I did drink,” she told me.
Let that sit with you for a minute…
What if the thing we think is making us better friends is actually just masking the fact that we haven’t learned how to connect authentically?
The Liquid Courage Lie
Here’s the truth about alcohol culture in American friendships: it’s everywhere, and we don’t even notice it anymore.
Think about your last few social plans. How many were involved in “grabbing drinks”? Meeting for happy hour? Bottomless brunch? Wine night? Beer after the gym?
We’ve normalized alcohol to the point where it’s not even a conscious choice. It’s just what you do when you socialize. And until you step back from it, you don’t realize how much of our friendship culture is built around drinking.
But here’s what really gets me: we’ve convinced ourselves that alcohol makes us better friends. More fun. More interesting. More willing to have those deep conversations or let loose on the dance floor.
As Hitha put it: “I thought I wasn’t enough, that I was just more fun to be around, and I was just more charming. And I just, for whatever reason, was better after I’d had a drink.”
Sound familiar?
The Real Question We’re Not Asking
When Hitha started questioning her relationship with alcohol, she had to face a hard reality: “Why do I feel weird about it when someone doesn’t drink while I’m drinking?”
The answer? “It went to when they’re not drinking, me thinking I wasn’t enough… and I think that was a really hard reality for me to face, to consider that I could be enough without what had been my crutch for my entire adult life.”
This is the conversation we’re not having about friendship and alcohol. We’re so focused on whether drinking is “bad” or “good” that we’re missing the deeper question: What are we actually getting from it in our friendships?
Because here’s what I’ve noticed, and what Hitha discovered too, when you remove alcohol from social situations, you don’t lose connection. You often find a deeper, more authentic connection.
Think about it: How many times have you had what felt like a meaningful conversation with a friend while drinking, only to wonder the next day if they really wanted to share that with you? Or if you really wanted to be that vulnerable?
How many times have you done something fun and spontaneous while drinking, only to have a little asterisk next to the memory… yeah, but we were drinking?
We think alcohol is removing barriers, but it might actually be creating them.
The Friendship Test
So here’s what I want you to consider: What if you tested your friendships by removing alcohol from the equation?
Not forever. Not as some moral stance. Just as an experiment to see what happens.
Hitha started small. She made a rule for herself: no drinking at big networking events or parties where she felt intimidated. She’d stick with club soda and lime and just… be present.
“If I’m at a big kind of larger networking event or party, I’m not going to drink. I’m just going to stick with like a club soda and really be present.”
But she still allowed herself that glass of wine at intimate dinners with close friends when she genuinely wanted it. The key was a conscious choice rather than an automatic default.
In the full episode, Hitha goes much deeper into the specific rules she created for herself and how she navigated the social pressure to drink. Her approach to conscious consumption might completely change how you think about alcohol in your own friendships.
What You Might Discover
When you start paying attention to your relationship with alcohol in social settings, you might notice some things:
You’re seeking it out when you’re overwhelmed. Hitha realized she wasn’t just accepting drinks that were offered, she was actively looking for alcohol when social situations felt too much. “I was overwhelmed. And for whatever reason, I thought this would make me feel better, only to leave me feeling like crap the next day.”
Your friendships don’t actually change. “What I recognize is that it really doesn’t affect the friendship,” Hitha said. “Like if I was feeling weird about it, that was in my head, that wasn’t in their head.”
You might sleep better, feel more present, and actually enjoy yourself more. When Hitha stopped drinking at home, she noticed she was “way more present with my kids and a lot calmer. I’m present with my husband, and I sleep a lot better.”
Other people start questioning their own consumption. When one person in a friend group starts drinking less, it often gives others permission to examine their own relationship with alcohol.
Building Connection Without the Crutch
Here’s what’s beautiful about stepping back from alcohol in friendships: you’re forced to build other ways to connect.
Instead of defaulting to “let’s grab drinks,” you might suggest coffee walks, morning workouts, cooking together, or just hanging out at home. You know, the kinds of activities you probably did in high school before alcohol became the social lubricant for everything.
One of my favorite quotes from someone I’m hoping to have on the podcast is: “The friends you want are the friends that you get together with at 7 am, not the friends you’re out with after 7 pm.”
Think about that. The people who want to show up for sunrise hikes, early morning coffee dates, or weekend farmers market trips. Those are probably the people who genuinely enjoy your company. Not just your drunk company.
The complete episode explores exactly how to shift these social patterns without making it weird or preachy. Hitha and I share specific strategies for changing the culture of your friend group around alcohol, and honestly, her practical approach might give you the roadmap you need to test this in your own life.
The Permission You Didn’t Know You Needed
Here’s what I want you to hear: You are enough without alcohol.
You’re interesting enough. Funny enough. Charming enough. Fun enough.
The version of yourself that shows up without liquid courage? That’s not a lesser version. That’s just… you. And the friends who matter will love that version just as much, if not more.
As Hitha said: “No one is going to judge you more than you’re judging yourself.”
And here’s the thing: if you test this and discover that some of your friendships were really just drinking partnerships, that’s valuable information too. It doesn’t mean those people are bad or that the time you spent together was meaningless. It just means you get to be intentional about building friendships that can thrive in multiple contexts.
Your Turn to Test
So here’s my challenge: Pick one social situation this week where you’d normally drink and don’t.
Go to that happy hour and order a club soda with lime. Show up to the dinner party and ask for sparkling water in a wine glass. Suggest a coffee walk instead of drinks after work.
Pay attention to how you feel. Notice whether the conversation is different. See if you’re actually less fun or if that was just a story you were telling yourself.
And be gentle with yourself through this process. There’s no right or wrong way to approach your relationship with alcohol. The goal isn’t to never drink again. It’s to make conscious choices instead of defaulting to what everyone else is doing.
Redefining What Connection Looks Like
At the end of the day, the strongest friendships are built on genuine connection, shared experiences, and authentic presence. None of those things requires alcohol.
In fact, some of the deepest friendships I have now are with people I rarely, if ever, drink with. We’ve built our connection around morning walks, cooking together, working out, having real conversations about life, supporting each other through challenges, and just… being present for the ordinary moments.
That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with enjoying a glass of wine with friends sometimes. But when that becomes the primary way you connect, you might be missing out on deeper, more sustainable forms of friendship.
I share so much more in the full episode about what it looks like to shift the culture of a friend group around alcohol without being preachy. Hitha’s journey from using alcohol as social armor to discovering she was enough without it goes much deeper than what I could cover here, and I think her honesty will give you permission to question your own assumptions about what makes you a good friend.
The Real Test of Friendship
Here’s the truth: the friends who matter will support you no matter what you’re drinking. The friendships that can only survive with alcohol probably weren’t that strong to begin with.
And the friends who love the sober version of you? Those are your people. Those are the relationships worth investing in.
The most authentic friendships happen when you show up as yourself. Not the version of yourself you think you need to be after a drink or two. Just you. Present, genuine, and enough exactly as you are.
Ready to test what an authentic connection really looks like? [Listen to my complete conversation with Hitha here] and subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. Because the conversation about building real, lasting friendships is just getting started.
What would you discover about your friendships if you removed alcohol from the equation? I’d love to hear about your own experiments with conscious connection.
