I keep coming back to this thought over and over again:
Everyone is screaming, “I want a village! Where’s my community? Where are my people?”
And yet, when I watch how people actually behave. When I listen to their responses when help is offered. I find myself wondering:
Do you really? Do you actually want a village?
Because I think most people would immediately say: “Yes! Of course I want community and support!”
But their actions tell a completely different story.
The Disconnect (What People Say vs What They Do)
Let me give you some real examples from my own life:
Me: “Hey, I’d love to watch your kids for a bit this weekend.”
Them: “Oh no, you don’t have to do that. My kids are a lot. It would take up your whole afternoon. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
Me (internally): I didn’t ask. I offered. Because I want to.
Me: “I’m happy to pick you up from the airport next week.”
Them: “Oh no, you don’t have to drive all that way. I’ll just take an Uber.”
Me (internally): I know I don’t have to. That’s why it’s called an offer.
Me: “Let me bring you dinner tonight. You’ve had a rough week.”
Them: “You don’t need to do that. We’ll figure something out. I don’t want to put you out.”
Me (internally): I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t genuinely want to do this.
Do you see the pattern?
People say they want help. They say they need community. They say they’re drowning.
And then when someone offers help, they say: “Oh no, you don’t have to.”
Every. Single. Time.
So I’m asking: Do you really want a village? Or do you just want to keep complaining about not having one?
The Hamster Wheel We’re All Stuck On
My friend Adrienne came up with this analogy that I think is perfect:
We’re all stuck on a hamster wheel that we don’t even know we’re on.
We’re running so fast: because we don’t have support, because we have to earn enough money to either pay for our village or buy all the things we need.
The lawn mower. The Instant Pot. The tools. The gadgets. All the things everyone on our street already has.
We’re running so fast to afford these things that we don’t have time to do anything besides basically survive.
And the entire time we’re running, we’re screaming: “I need community! I need support! I want a village!”
But here’s the thing: When someone offers to help you step off the hamster wheel, the floor feels like lava.
You’re so uncomfortable with actually accepting help that you say, “Oh no, you don’t have to.”
Even though you desperately need it.
Where We’re At Collectively (And Why It’s Not Working)
Let me paint you a picture of where we are right now:
Community Is Cited As The Answer (But No One Tells You HOW)
I listened to a podcast about building a village earlier this week.
It was an hour long. They detailed all the ways and reasons we don’t have community.
And at the end? Nothing. No solutions. Just: “We need community.”
Cool. Great. How do we actually build it?
Nobody talks about that part.
The Only Solution Offered: Hire Your Village
The most common advice I see, especially for parents, is: Pay for your village.
Hire childcare. Hire cleaners. Hire people to do errands. Hire someone to chauffeur your kids around.
But it’s not just parents doing this.
If you’re sick? Uber Eats. Instacart.
Need a ride to a doctor’s appointment? Uber.
Need someone to pick you up from the airport? Uber.
Home repair, and you don’t know how to fix it? TaskRabbit.
We’re all paying for our village. Hiring people instead of asking our community.
The Capitalism Hamster Wheel (The Lawn Mower Example)
Here’s something that makes me crazy:
Every house on a suburban block has a lawnmower.
Think about that. Twenty houses on a block. Twenty lawn mowers.
Everyone buys their own. Has to pick the one they like, with all the features they want, that fits their budget.
And every garage has a lawn mower sitting in it.
Why? Why do we need 20 lawn mowers on one block?
Why doesn’t each block of 8 homes buy ONE lawn mower and share it?
You’d have two lawn mowers for two blocks instead of 20. You’d even have a backup lawn mower.
If your block’s mower dies and you need to mow your lawn today, you just go to the next block and borrow theirs until everyone chips in $50 to buy a new one.
But no. We can’t possibly do that.
Everyone must buy their own lawnmower. Must buy the exact one they want. Must have it exactly perfect.
We can’t possibly share with our neighbors.
That’s where we’re at, guys.
Why The Floor Feels Like Lava (The Real Barriers)
So why is this happening? Why do people say they want community but then refuse help when it’s offered?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Barrier #1: We Don’t Know What Modern Community Actually Looks Like
We don’t have a lot of readily available examples of what this subtle shift toward community actually looks like.
The examples we DO have are extreme:
Moving to a tiny village in the woods. Blowing up your life and moving across the world. Moving into a compound with your friends.
Those are drastic, life-altering shifts.
And when you think “I want community,” but the only examples you see require completely uprooting your life?
It feels impossible.
“I want this, but my job requires me to live in a city. I can’t just move to the middle of nowhere.”
“I’d love to live closer to my friends, but I need to stay here to take care of my aging parents.”
So people think: I can’t have community unless I blow up my entire life.
But here’s what I’m trying to tell you: You don’t have to blow everything up.
You don’t have to move to a compound. You don’t have to go back in time to some idealized village from the 1800s.
You can build community right where you are. In small, subtle ways.
But because those small shifts aren’t as dramatic or catchy, we don’t see examples of them.
And without examples, it’s hard to envision what this would even look like.
So you’re stuck on the hamster wheel, looking at the floor, thinking: “I don’t even know what would happen if I stepped off.”
And that unknown feels scarier than the hamster wheel you’re already on.
Barrier #2: The Internal Work Required Is HARD
Let’s say you decide to step off the hamster wheel. You decide to start building community.
It’s not just about taking someone a meal or offering to watch their kids.
There’s a massive amount of internal work required:
Offering help when you’re not sure if they’ll accept it.
What if they say no? What if they think I’m weird for offering? What if they don’t actually want my help?
Handling rejection when they turn you down.
“Well, why did I even offer? They don’t want this anyway.”
And then the voice in your head: Should I offer again? Or will that be annoying?
Trusting that small actions will actually add up.
When you’re desperate for community and the actions feel so tiny, it’s hard to believe they’ll make a difference.
Being an early adopter when most people are still stuck on the hamster wheel.
You’re offering help. People keep saying no. You feel like you’re banging your head against plexiglass.
And you have to keep going anyway.
Because this is the vision. Not just for the world, but for your own life.
You don’t want to keep living the way you have been. You want off the hamster wheel.
But that internal work (coaching yourself through all of that) is exhausting.
And most people aren’t willing to do it.
In the full episode, I dig much deeper into why the hamster wheel feels so impossible to step off of and what’s really keeping us from building the village we say we want. If you’ve ever felt frustrated that community sounds great in theory but impossible in practice, this conversation will validate everything you’re feeling.
Barrier #3: Small Actions Feel Insufficient
When you’re screaming “I NEED COMMUNITY RIGHT NOW,” and the actions you’re taking are:
- ▪️ Offering to pick someone up from the airport
- ▪️ Dropping off a meal
- ▪️ Watching someone’s kids for two hours
They feel so small. So insufficient.
You want to dive in. Make big swings. Have community NOW.
But that’s not how this works.
It’s like my health journey this year.
I can’t just wake up next week and feel all better. That’s not reality.
What I need to do is:
- ▪️ Take my supplements and meds multiple times a day, every day, for months
- ▪️ Pay attention to what I eat so I don’t trigger a reaction
- ▪️ Get outside more
- ▪️ Hit 5,000-7,000 steps a day
Small things. Consistently. Over time.
That’s what stabilizes my health.
Building community is exactly the same.
You can’t just make one big gesture and suddenly have a village.
You have to do small things, consistently, over time. And trust that they’re adding up.
Even when your brain is telling you they’re insufficient.
Even when you feel desperate for more.
The small things do add up. You just have to trust that.
Barrier #4: You Have To Give Up Some Control
In a world full of content about boundaries and self-care and taking control of your destiny…
Building community requires giving up control.
And that’s uncomfortable.
If someone brings you a meal, you don’t get to decide the exact ingredients.
If someone watches your kids, they might not do things exactly how you do them.
If someone drives you to the airport, it might not be at the exact time or temperature you prefer.
If someone picks up your groceries, they might get a brand you don’t usually buy.
We live in a world where we can control EVERYTHING.
Want to track your health? Get an app that monitors your blood sugar, steps, heart rate, sleep quality.
Want the perfect meal? Order exactly what you want on DoorDash with all your specifications.
We have so many ways to control every detail of our lives.
And then community asks you to let go of that control a little bit.
To let people help you in the way they’re able to help. Not in the exact way you’d do it yourself.
And for a lot of people? That’s too uncomfortable.
They’d rather stay on the hamster wheel where they have control than step onto the floor where they have to trust others.
Barrier #5: Community Requires Co-Creating (Not Controlling)
Here’s the hardest part:
I can want community with you. I can offer to help you. Over and over and over.
But at the end of the day, we’re co-creating this together.
Which means: You have to say yes.
And if you keep saying “oh no, you don’t have to” or “I don’t want to bother you” or “we’re really okay, we’ll figure it out”…
Then we can’t build community together.
I can bang my head against the hamster wheel all I want.
But if you won’t step off with me, we’re stuck.
And that’s exhausting.
Because in a world where we’re taught we can control outcomes (work hard enough, plan well enough, do the right things) community doesn’t work that way.
I can do everything “right” on my end. But I can’t force you to accept help.
We have to do this together.
Two Approaches To Changing The Conversation
My friend Adrienne and I were talking about this recently.
We’ve both been trying to get people to see: Hey, the floor isn’t lava. Come down here. It’s actually pretty nice.
But we’ve gone about it very differently.
My Approach: Subtle Shifts
I don’t have intense conversations about community. I just… make offers.
And when someone says “oh, you don’t have to,” I gently push back:
“I didn’t offer because I felt like I had to. I offered because this is a way I can show up for you. And I’d love to show up for you.”
Maybe they change their mind. Maybe they don’t.
But I’m putting little dings in their armor. Little moments of: “Wait, is this really what I want?”
Adrienne’s Approach: Direct Conversations
Adrienne goes hard.
She talks explicitly about her family’s “community philosophy.” About how this is a value for them.
She lays it all out: “In order to make this work, we need to watch each other’s kids. Loan things out. Help each other.”
She jokes that she’s like a disciple for my work, out there preaching the good message.
And she’s seen success with that approach too.
Both Approaches Work
The point is: You have to actively try to change the conversation.
Whether that’s subtle or direct, you have to help people see that the floor isn’t lava.
That they don’t have to blow up their lives to have community.
That we can do this right here, right now, in small ways.
But it takes time. And it’s not comfortable.
Because we’re early adopters. And some people think we’re kind of crazy for trying to step off the hamster wheel.
My Own Example (Because I’m Not Perfect Either)
I’ve been sick with pneumonia for two weeks.
One of my closest friends texted: “Let me know this weekend if you need anything.”
My immediate thought? “Oh no, I’m good. I’ll make sure I have everything before Michael leaves. I can Instacart if I need something.”
I literally talk about this ALL THE TIME on this podcast.
And I still caught myself doing it.
Why couldn’t I just say: “Yeah, if something comes up, I’ll definitely message you”?
Why is it so hard to accept help? Even for me?
Because we’re all doing this work. We’re all catching ourselves.
We’re all learning to step off the hamster wheel together.
The Challenge: Start Noticing
Here’s what I want you to do:
Start noticing the moments when someone offers you help.
And pay attention to your response.
Do you say: “Oh no, you don’t have to”?
Do you minimize what they’re offering: “Oh, it’s not that big of a deal”?
Do you deflect: “I’m fine, really”?
Just notice.
Don’t judge yourself. Don’t shame yourself.
Just start seeing the pattern.
Because awareness is the first step.
You can’t change what you don’t see.
What I Want You To Understand
Everyone is screaming “I want a village!”
But when the village shows up, we say “you don’t have to.”
We’re stuck on a hamster wheel, running so fast we can’t see straight, paying for everything instead of sharing, exhausted and burnt out.
And the floor (where community lives) feels like lava.
Because we don’t know what modern community looks like. Because the internal work is hard. Because small actions feel insufficient. Because we’d have to give up control. Because we can’t do it alone.
But here’s the truth:
The hamster wheel isn’t working. You know it’s not working.
And the floor? It’s not actually lava.
It’s uncomfortable, yes. It requires vulnerability and trust and letting go of control.
But it’s not lava.
Some of us are already down here. We’re building community in small, subtle ways.
We’re figuring it out as we go.
And we’d love for you to join us.
But you have to step off the wheel.
You have to stop saying “you don’t have to” when someone offers help.
You have to actually accept the village you say you want.
So I’ll ask you one more time:
Do you really want a village?
Because if you do, the next time someone offers help, try saying: “Thank you. I’d really appreciate that.”
And see what happens.
Tune into the full episode to hear the complete discussion, including two practical approaches you can start using today to finally step off the hamster wheel.
