You’re talking to someone you just met.
The conversation is flowing. The banter is there. The energy feels… right.
You’re laughing at the same things. You’re finishing each other’s sentences. There’s this moment where you both kind of pause, and you think: Oh. You’re my kind of human.
And then it hits you.
You have no idea if you’ll ever see this person again.
Maybe you met them at a one-time event. Maybe you were traveling. Maybe it was a random conversation that happened in a place you don’t normally go.
There’s no natural next step. No built-in reason to see each other again.
And suddenly, this connection that felt so effortless? It feels complicated.
Do you ask for their number? Suggest getting coffee? Is that weird? Are you being too forward? What if they think you’re trying too hard?
So you do nothing. You let it fade. You tell yourself: “If it was meant to be, it would have been easier.”
But what if I told you that’s exactly backwards?
What if the awkwardness isn’t a sign it’s not meant to be? What if it’s just a normal part of making friends when you can’t rely on proximity?
Let Me Tell You What Just Happened to Me
A few months ago, I made a professional connection.
We were working together on something. There were lots of interactions. And every single one just felt… easy. Fun. Yes, we were working, but we were also chatting. Bantering. Having a good time.
At a certain point, I could tell we both felt it. That energy.
We started asking more personal questions. Things I wouldn’t normally ask in a professional setting. But the vibe was right.
Then we got to the end of our working relationship.
And I didn’t want to let this connection end.
But here’s the thing: there was no logical way for us to keep seeing each other. We weren’t in the same industry. We didn’t have overlapping hobbies (that I knew of (more on that later). We didn’t live in the same neighborhood.
There was no proximity.
So I did something that felt a little weird. I went out on a limb.
I invited this person to a networking event in THEIR industry. An event that made zero sense for me to attend.
When I asked, they were like: “You want to go to that? You don’t even work in that industry.”
And I was like: “I don’t know. Let’s just go.”
So we did.
And we had an amazing time. Hours flew by. We made other friends there. We had that energy where people wanted to come talk to US because we were clearly having fun.
At the end of the night, we’re walking out together, and there’s this moment. This unspoken: Okay… what next?
And there was no natural answer.
So someone threw out: “We should get dinner sometime.”
There was a follow-up text: “Hey, I had a lot of fun. I was serious about dinner. Let’s set a date.”
And I’m here to tell you: if you’re thinking this sounds a lot like dating, you’re right.
It kind of is.
The Modern Friendship Problem Nobody Talks About
Here’s what we all want: We want friendship to feel natural. Easy. Effortless.
We want to look back in five years and say: “I don’t even know how we became friends. We were just… together all the time. And now I can’t imagine my life without you.”
That’s the proximity dream.
You work together. You’re in the same class. You volunteer at the same organization. You see each other at school pickup every day. You’re in the same book club or running group or whatever.
You see each other regularly without having to plan it. And over time, friendship just… happens.
That’s how most of our friendships have formed throughout our lives, right?
School. College. First jobs. Early parenting years when everyone’s at the playground.
Proximity did the heavy lifting.
But here’s the reality: For most of us, that proximity doesn’t exist anymore.
Maybe you work from home. Maybe you’re not part of any community groups. Maybe you don’t really know your neighbors. Maybe your kids are older, and you’re not doing the playground circuit anymore.
Maybe you’re just… not in places where you naturally see the same people over and over.
And that means when you DO meet someone who feels like a potential friend? You can’t rely on proximity to do the work.
You have to do it yourself.
And that feels awkward. Uncertain. Vulnerable.
Welcome to the friendship gray zone.
What Is The Gray Zone?
The gray zone is that uncomfortable space between meeting someone and actually becoming friends.
It’s the space where:
- ▪️ You don’t know if this will turn into anything
- ▪️ You have to actively take steps to move it forward
- ▪️ Every interaction requires intention and energy
- ▪️ There are a million opportunities to overthink and spiral
- ▪️ You feel vulnerable admitting you want to hang out again
When you have proximity, you skip most of this.
Since you see your coworker every day, suggesting lunch isn’t a big deal. You see your neighbor at the mailbox three times a week, so inviting them over for a drink feels natural. You’re at the book club every month, so saying “want to grab coffee before next time?” is easy.
But without proximity? Every step feels like a leap.
And here’s what nobody tells you: It’s supposed to feel this way.
The awkwardness isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s just part of the process when you can’t rely on seeing someone regularly.
Why The Gray Zone Feels So Uncomfortable
Let me break down what makes this phase so weird. Because once you understand WHY it feels awkward, it’s easier to push through it.
The gray zone is where most friendships either grow or fade. Listen to the full episode to understand why this uncomfortable phase is actually a sign you’re doing it right.
1. The Vulnerability of Admitting You Want to Hang Out
When you suggest getting together with someone you barely know, you’re essentially saying: “I think you’re cool and I want to spend time with you.”
That’s vulnerable.
With your close friends, suggesting dinner is easy. You have years of history. You have shared beliefs like “we care about each other” and “we’re always there for each other.”
But with a new person? You don’t have that foundation yet.
So when you text “want to get dinner?” you’re kind of saying: “I don’t really know you, but I want to. And I’m willing to carve out two hours of my life to see if this goes anywhere.”
That feels exposing.
What if they don’t feel the same way? What if they think you’re being too forward? What if they say yes out of politeness but don’t actually want to?
All of that runs through your head. And it’s easier to just… not send the text.
2. The Energy Required to Navigate Details
Okay, so you pushed through the vulnerability and suggested hanging out. Great!
Now you have to figure out the logistics.
And this is where it gets tricky, because you don’t know each other well yet.
With your established friends, you know their rhythms. You know if they’re more of a homebody or they like going out. You know if they’re a planner or spontaneous. You know their schedule constraints and their preferences.
But with a new person? You’re navigating blind.
You have to message back and forth. Figure out what you’re doing. Find a time that works. Maybe coordinate locations.
And all of this requires energy. Mental energy. Emotional energy. Time.
With proximity, you’d learn these details organically over weeks or months. You’d hear what they did last weekend. You’d notice their habits. You’d pick up on their preferences.
Without proximity, you have to actively figure it all out in real-time.
And sometimes that means having conversations that feel a little awkward.
Like when I had to text my new potential friend: “Hey, so I know I mentioned I have health stuff going on. A lot of that involves food restrictions. Can we pick a restaurant that works for both of us?”
That’s vulnerable. That’s work. That’s energy I have to put in.
And every one of those moments is a chance for your brain to say: You know what? This is too complicated. Maybe this friendship isn’t meant to be.
3. The Overthinking Spiral
When you have to initiate every interaction, and you don’t have built-in proximity, there are SO many opportunities to overthink.
Am I being too forward?
Am I asking too much to get together for two hours?
Do they even want to get together?
Should I give them more time?
I haven’t heard from them in a while. Maybe they’re not interested?
Was my last text too much?
Should I follow up or wait for them to reach out?
Your brain fills in all the gaps with worst-case scenarios.
When you have proximity, there’s less room for that spiral. You see the person regularly. You can casually mention: “Hey, we should still grab those appetizers we talked about!” And after the third or fourth time you both bring it up, you’re like: “Okay, let’s actually put this on the calendar.”
But without proximity? You just have to send a text out of the blue.
And every moment between texts is an opportunity for your brain to convince you that you’re being annoying or pushy or that they don’t really want to be friends.
4. The Uncertainty of Outcome
Here’s the thing about romantic dating: there’s usually some shared understanding of what you’re looking for.
Maybe you want a long-term relationship. Maybe you want something casual. Maybe you want to get married and start a family soon.
There’s an end goal. A shared reality you’re working toward.
But in friendship? We have no idea what this will become.
Are we going to be best friends in five years? Are we going to be book club friends who see each other once a month? Are we going to grab coffee twice and realize we don’t actually have that much in common?
We don’t know. And that uncertainty makes it hard to keep taking action.
Your brain starts asking: Is all this awkwardness worth it? What if we only end up being casual friends? Is that worth the energy I’m putting in?
And the answer is: You won’t know until you try.
But that uncertainty? It’s uncomfortable. And it’s another reason people let potential friendships fade.
Want to know how to push through the awkward early stages of friendship? Tune in to the full episode for practical strategies to navigate the gray zone.
The Comparison That Changes Everything
You know what this reminds me of?
Starting a new type of exercise.
I went paddleboarding yesterday for the first time in months. My arms are SO sore today. I felt awkward on the board. There were two moments when I almost fell backwards.
And when I told my husband I was sore, he just looked at me and said: “Yeah, that makes sense.”
Nobody questioned it. Nobody said, “Maybe paddleboarding isn’t for you.” Nobody suggested I was doing it wrong.
It’s just a normal part of the process when you’re getting back into something.
Your muscles are sore. You wobble a little. You feel uncomfortable.
And we need to have that same grace with friendship.
When you’re making a new friend without proximity, it’s SUPPOSED to feel awkward. You’re supposed to feel uncertain. You’re supposed to question if you’re doing it right.
That’s just part of the process.
It doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t meant to be. It doesn’t mean you’re bad at making friends. It doesn’t mean something is wrong.
It just means you’re in the gray zone. And the gray zone is uncomfortable.
The Choice You Have to Make
Here’s the reality: You can’t have it both ways.
You can either:
Option 1: Create proximity in your life
Join community groups. Get involved at work or your kids’ school. Become a regular at a coffee shop or gym. Go to the same yoga class every week. Volunteer. Join a book club, a running group, or whatever.
Put yourself in places where you see the same people regularly.
This creates natural opportunities for friendship to develop over time without having to push through the gray zone for every single connection.
But this requires commitment. It requires showing up even when you don’t feel like it. It requires small talk, awkward introductions, and injecting yourself into groups where everyone already knows each other.
Option 2: Push through the gray zone when you meet someone who feels right
If you’re not creating proximity in your life (and that’s okay, there’s no judgment here), then when you DO meet someone who feels like a potential friend, you have to be willing to lean in.
You have to send the text. Make the plans. Navigate the logistics. Push through the awkwardness.
You have to accept that it’s going to feel uncertain, vulnerable, and like you’re putting in a lot of energy for an unknown outcome.
Both options are uncomfortable. Pick one.
Because here’s what doesn’t work: waiting for friendship to magically appear in your life without any effort or discomfort on your part.
That’s not how it works anymore. Not for most of us.
Take Stock for a Moment
I want you to ask yourself a hard question:
What places in your life right now give you consistent proximity to people?
Not just being around people. But actually seeing the SAME people regularly.
Are you part of any community groups? Do you know your neighbors? Do you have a regular spot you go where the staff knows your name? Are you involved at work or your kids’ school?
Or are you mostly at home? Working remotely? Not really plugged into anything?
There’s no right or wrong answer here. I’m not saying you need to join a million groups.
But you need to be honest with yourself.
Because if you’re NOT creating proximity in your life, then you need to be willing to push through the gray zone when those chance connections appear.
You can’t have either. You can’t avoid the discomfort of both and still expect to make friends.
Permission to Keep Going
So here’s what I want you to hear:
The gray zone is real. It’s uncomfortable. And it’s completely normal.
When you meet someone and the energy is right but there’s no natural next step? That’s the gray zone.
When you have to text someone out of the blue to suggest hanging out? That’s the gray zone.
When you’re overthinking every message and wondering if you’re being too pushy? That’s the gray zone.
When you’re putting in energy and effort and you have no idea if this will turn into anything? That’s the gray zone.
And it’s supposed to feel this way.
The awkwardness isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s just what happens when you’re building something new without a built-in structure.
So stop expecting it to feel easy. Stop waiting for it to feel effortless.
Start expecting it to feel awkward. And do it anyway.
Send the text. Make the plans. Navigate the logistics. Push through the overthinking.
Be willing to feel vulnerable. Be willing to put in energy. Be willing to not know how it’s going to turn out.
Because here’s the truth: You’ll never know if you don’t try.
That connection that felt so right? It might turn into your closest friendship. It might turn into a casual friend you see a few times a year. It might fizzle out after one hangout.
You won’t know until you push through the gray zone.
And yeah, that’s uncomfortable. But you know what else is uncomfortable?
Looking back in five years and wondering: What if I had just sent that text?
Your Turn
So here’s what I want you to think about:
What connection are you letting fade right now because it feels too awkward to pursue?
Who did you meet recently where the energy felt right, but you haven’t followed up because you didn’t know what to say, or you felt like you were being too forward, or you convinced yourself it wasn’t meant to be?
What if it WAS meant to be. You just have to push through the gray zone to get there?
Maybe it’s time to send that text.
Maybe it’s time to suggest getting coffee, going for a walk, or whatever feels right.
Maybe it’s time to stop waiting for friendship to feel easy and start accepting that sometimes it’s supposed to feel hard.
The gray zone is real. It’s awkward. It’s uncertain.
And it’s completely, totally, 100% normal.
So take a deep breath. Send the text. Make the plan.
And trust that the awkwardness is just part of the process.
Want to understand more about why new friendships feel so different from established ones? Go back and listen to Episode 12 where I break down my Roots of Connection framework. It’ll help you understand why you don’t yet share those beliefs with new people (and why that’s okay).
Feeling stuck on what to actually SAY when you reach out? Episode 49 has scripts and strategies for moving conversations forward when you don’t have that built-in proximity.
Know someone who’s been letting potential friendships fade? Send them this episode. Especially if they’re someone who keeps saying, “I don’t know why making friends is so hard for me.” They need to hear: it’s not you. It’s the gray zone. And it’s normal.
If you’re in the friendship gray zone right now, listen to the full episode here for the encouragement and framework you need to keep going.
