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Quick question: What is connection?
Go ahead. Try to define it.
You probably said something like: “It’s when you feel close to someone.” Or “It’s having meaningful conversations.” Or “It’s that feeling when you’re with your best friend.”
And you’re not wrong. But you’re also only seeing about 25% of the picture.
Here’s the wild thing: We talk about connection constantly. We know we need it. We feel its absence. We chase after it.
But we’ve never actually defined what it is.
Don’t believe me? Go look it up in the dictionary. You’ll find something about “connecting things together.” That’s not what we’re talking about.
Go look it up in the American Psychological Association’s definitions. It’s not there.
And yet (and this is the kicker) virtually every mental health diagnosis includes disconnection as a core symptom.
Depression? You’re disconnected from the present because you’re ruminating about the past.
Anxiety? You’re disconnected from now because you’re catastrophizing about the future.
Trauma? Dissociation. Depersonalization. Disconnection.
So if disconnection is at the heart of everything we DON’T want, doesn’t it make sense that connection is at the heart of everything we DO want?
Meet Dr. Adam Dorsay (And His Mission to Define Connection)
I just finished reading Dr. Adam Dorsay’s new book Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love.
And I’m not exaggerating when I say: This book completely shifted how I think about connection.
Dr. Dorsay is a licensed psychologist who’s provided over 20,000 hours of therapy. He hosts an award-winning podcast called Super Psyched. He’s given two incredible TEDx talks (one about men and emotions, one about friendship in adulthood, both linked in the show notes, go watch them).
And he noticed something:
In all those therapy hours and podcast episodes, one word kept showing up over and over: connection.
People were seeking it. Talking about it. Desperately wanting it.
But nobody could define it.
So Dr. Dorsay did something brilliant. He enlisted about 10 other licensed mental health practitioners and created a working definition.
And when I tell you I have this definition highlighted, starred, and basically tattooed on my brain? I mean it.
The Definition That Changes Everything
Here’s Dr. Dorsay’s working definition of connection (and yes, I’m reading this straight from the book because it’s that good):
“Connection is an internal emotional response. It is a life force. It can be the quality of a relationship between two or more people or groups, but it also includes how a person relates to themselves in an authentic sense.
Connection is often physical, but it can also be conceptual or symbolic. Describing it as magnetic or electric captures this range of sensibilities. It can also include how we relate to art, work, or some form of activity.
True connection enables vitality and/or safety. It can be what we refer to as love in its many forms. It can include how we relate to nature, and for some, it can be an expression of a relationship with a higher power.
It is central to human life and the natural world.”
Read that again. Slowly.
Connection isn’t just about people. It’s about aliveness. Vitality. Life force.
As Dr. Dorsay puts it: “We have this dash between our birth date and our death date. We want to be alive while we’re living.”
You know it when you feel it.
You know that moment when you hear a song for the first time, and you know your life has changed?
That bite of food where all your senses came alive?
Meeting that person and just KNOWING they were your person?
Going to that place and feeling like every cell in your body woke up?
That’s connection.
And here’s what blew my mind: Connection isn’t just about other people.
Before I read this book, if you asked me what connection was, I would have said: conversations with friends, dinner dates, phone calls, text messages.
I was only thinking about ONE type of connection.
The Four Types of Connection (And Why You’re Probably Missing Three of Them)
Dr. Dorsay breaks connection down into four distinct types.
Imagine an archery target with four concentric circles.
Type 1: Connection to Self (The Bullseye)
This is the center. The foundation. The connection that informs all other connections.
It’s about knowing who you are. What you need. What lights you up and what drains you. What gets you out of bed in the morning.
Dr. Dorsay uses this metaphor: Imagine you’re wearing shoes that are half the size they should be, tied really tight. And you’re trying to have a meaningful workday while your feet are in excruciating pain.
A lot of us go through life like that.
Maybe it’s depression. Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe it’s being in a job that sucks, but feeling stuck. Maybe it’s being in a relationship that drains you, but staying because you don’t want to be alone.
When you’re not connected to yourself, everything else suffers.
Taking care of yourself (truly connecting with yourself) isn’t selfish or self-absorbed.
It’s the foundation.
Each of us has different needs. Sleep. Food. Exercise. Socialization. Quiet. Noise. Meditation.
Knowing what YOU need and delivering it to yourself? That’s connection to self.
Dr. Dorsay’s framework for connection is full of insights you won’t want to miss. Listen to the full episode for all four types of connection explained in depth.
Type 2: Connection to Others
Okay, THIS is the one we all think of when we hear “connection.”
Your partner. Your friends. Your family. Your pets (yes, pets count: they are significant others).
But here’s what most people miss:
It’s not just about having people in your life. It’s about genuine exchanges of energy.
Dr. Dorsay talks about “the driveway test”: how do you feel when you leave a connection with a friend?
Do you feel more alive? Or deflated?
Do you feel taller because of the richness of the conversation? Or smaller because there was no room for you?
Connection to others requires reciprocity.
As Dr. Dorsay’s colleague Hugh Grubb said (quoting Donald Winnicott): “True mental health can be experienced when you have the willingness to share of yourself and take in the experience of another.”
Upload and download. Back and forth.
Not one person dominating. Not bleeding each other dry. Feeding each other.
Type 3: Connection to the World
This is the one I completely underestimated before reading this book.
Connection to the world includes:
- ▪️ Nature
- ▪️ Art
- ▪️ Your work
- ▪️ Causes you care about
- ▪️ Your ancestry and cultural heritage
As Dr. Maya Angelou said: “You don’t know where you’re going unless you know where you’re from.”
This is about how you engage with things beyond just people.
Maybe it’s the work you do that makes you feel alive. Maybe it’s hiking in the mountains. Maybe it’s losing yourself in a museum. Maybe it’s understanding your family’s history.
This type of connection makes you feel part of something bigger than yourself.
And when I read this section, I realized: I’ve been completely neglecting this type of connection.
I’m so focused on my relationships and my work that I forget to actually CONNECT with the world around me in ways that bring me vitality.
Type 4: Connection to Something Greater
This one’s deeply personal and looks different for everyone.
For some people, it’s spirituality or religion. Going to church. Praying. Feeling connected to God or a higher power.
For others (especially the “orthodox atheists” as Dr. Dorsay calls them), it’s experiencing awe.
And awe is WILD, you guys.
Science has literally put awe under a microscope. And you know what they found?
Experiencing awe has the same effect on your brain as psilocybin (magic mushrooms).
Except without the illegal substance or potential danger.
When we experience awe, we become:
- ▪️ More pro-social
- ▪️ Less self-absorbed
- ▪️ More connected to others
- ▪️ More present
Dr. Dorsay gives this example: During the 2017 solar eclipse in Oregon, strangers were hugging each other.
Why? They were in a state of awe.
You know that “double rainbow guy” from the early YouTube days? The one everyone made fun of?
He was experiencing awe. And Dr. Dorsay says, “I feel nothing but love for that guy.”
He was so connected to the moment, so alive, that he was tripping hard on a double rainbow.
That’s connection to something greater.
Why We Need All Four Types
Here’s what I realized reading this book:
Most of us focus only on connection with others.
We think: I need more friends. I need to spend more time with my partner. I need to call my family more.
And yeah, that matters. But it’s only 25% of the picture.
If you’re neglecting:
- ▪️ Connection to yourself (not knowing what you need, running on empty)
- ▪️ Connection to the world (not engaging with work, nature, art in meaningful ways)
- ▪️ Connection to something greater (not experiencing awe, meaning, transcendence)
You’re going to feel disconnected even if you have great relationships.
Let me give you a personal example.
I went to a Taylor Swift concert recently (yes, I’m one of those people). And I found myself getting emotional… like, happy crying.
At first I was like: Where is this coming from?
But then I realized: I was experiencing all four types of connection at once.
Connection to self: I was allowing myself to feel deeply without holding back. I wasn’t performing or trying to be cool. I was just… feeling.
Connection to others: I was with a friend. We were in a crowd of people all having this shared experience. Strangers were yelling compliments at each other. The energy was electric.
Connection to the world: The music. The artistry. The performance. All of it was activating something in me.
Connection to something greater: There was this collective energy in the stadium. This sense of being part of something massive and beautiful and transcendent.
All four types. At once.
And THAT’S why it was so powerful.
Curious about your own connection mix? Hear the complete episode for Dr. Dorsay’s practical advice on auditing your connections.
Your Unique Connection Mix
Here’s something else Dr. Dorsay talks about that I love:
Everyone has different connection needs.
His colleague Britt Frank talks about how some people have the “feeding style of a hummingbird”: they need to connect multiple times an hour (think Joey from Friends).
Other people have the feeding style of a scorpion: they need to connect less frequently, maybe once a month.
Neither is wrong. They’re just different.
And this applies to ALL four types of connection.
Maybe you need tons of alone time to connect with yourself. Or maybe you process by talking things through with others.
Maybe you feel most alive in nature. Or maybe your connection to the world happens through your work.
Maybe you experience something greater through organized religion. Or maybe it’s lying under the stars on a camping trip.
The point is: you need to know YOUR mix.
How to Audit Your Connection
So here’s what I want you to do:
Think about the four types of connection:
- Connection to self
- Connection to others
- Connection to the world
- Connection to something greater
Now ask yourself: Which ones am I neglecting?
For me? I realized I’m doing okay with self and others. But world and something greater? I’ve been letting those fall to the wayside.
I don’t think about them as much. I don’t prioritize them. I don’t create space for them.
And that’s been costing me vitality.
So here’s my challenge, both to myself and to you:
Pay attention to the feelings.
When do you feel most alive? Most connected? Most like yourself?
Is it:
- ▪️ When you’re alone doing something you love? (Self)
- ▪️ When you’re with a specific person? (Others)
- ▪️ When you’re engaged in your work or in nature? (World)
- ▪️ When you’re experiencing something that makes you feel small in the best way? (Something greater)
Notice it. Acknowledge it. Affirm it in your brain.
Say to yourself: I feel so connected to this moment. This person. This experience. This feeling.
Because here’s the truth: Connection isn’t something that just happens to you.
It’s something you can intentionally create in your life.
But first you have to know what you’re looking for.
The Wisdom of Naming Things
Dr. Dorsay shared this quote from Confucius that I can’t stop thinking about:
“Wisdom starts with the accuracy of naming things.”
You gotta name it to tame it. You gotta name it to understand it.
A problem well-stated is a problem half-solved.
For so long, we’ve been saying “I need more connection” without actually knowing what that means.
Now you know.
Connection is vitality. Aliveness. Life force.
It’s not just about other people. It’s about how you relate to yourself, to others, to the world, and to something greater.
And now that you can name it? You can create it.
Start With One Small Shift
I’m not going to tell you to overhaul your entire life.
But I am going to ask you to do one thing this week:
Pick ONE type of connection you’ve been neglecting. And do something small to feed it.
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ Self: Taking 10 minutes to sit quietly and ask yourself what you actually need today
- ▪️ Others: Reaching out to that friend you keep thinking about but haven’t called
- ▪️ World: Going for a walk in nature without your phone. Or visiting a museum. Or engaging more deeply with your work.
- ▪️ Something greater: Finding something that creates awe. Watching the sunset. Stargazing. Going somewhere that makes you feel small in the best way.
Just one small thing.
Because here’s what Dr. Dorsay helped me understand:
You have a dash between your birth date and your death date.
And you want to be alive while you’re living.
Connection (real, defined, intentional connection) is how you do that.
Want to dive deeper into this? Go grab Dr. Adam Dorsay’s book Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love. It’s linked in the show notes. Seriously. I highlighted and starred so much of this book. It’s worth every minute.
Want to hear more from Dr. Dorsay? Check out his three TEDx talks: one about men and emotions, one about how connection is everything, and finally one about Friendship in Adulthood.
Ready to redefine what connection means in your life? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
