Getting Stuff on the Walls: What Military Families Know About Building Community
“Every time we move, it pushes me to make the opportunity to make connections and make friends here that feel like family, because that’s what we really need. And that’s what takes away our anxiety and fear – knowing that we have people that we can call on.”
That’s Michele Riechman talking about her life as a military spouse with four kids. In the past five months, her family packed up their life in the Midwest and moved to Arizona – not knowing if they’ll be there for one year or five years.
Most of us would spend months “settling in” before even thinking about making friends. Michele? She immediately started joining Facebook groups, asking neighbors to go for walks, and looking for local events.
Why? Because for military families, community isn’t nice to have. It’s necessary.
And if you’ve been overthinking how to build connections in your own life – waiting for the “right time” or the “perfect opportunity” – Michele’s approach might change everything.
The Analogy That Changes Everything
Michele has this brilliant way of thinking about building community that stopped me in my tracks:
“We don’t have a ton of things that we hang up in the house – but I try to do it right away, because if we’re only going to be here for a year, I want to get that hung up in the house. I know some people who I’ve met that have moved for a year and they haven’t hung up things in their house. It’s the same idea with friends. Try to do that as quickly as you can.”
Think about that for a second. How many of us are living with bare walls – literally or figuratively – waiting for the “right time” to make our space feel like home?
Michele doesn’t wait because she can’t afford to. Her family’s wellbeing depends on having people they can call in an emergency, neighbors who feel like second grandparents to their kids, friends who understand what it’s like to navigate military life.
“It’s not even that community and friendship are nice to have – it’s a necessity for her and her family,” she told me. And that shift in mindset? It changes everything about how quickly you take action.
What We’re All Waiting For
Here’s what I realized while talking to Michele: most of us treat building community like a luxury we’ll get to eventually. We’re waiting for:
- ▪️ The right neighborhood
- ▪️ More free time
- ▪️ The kids to get older (or younger)
- ▪️ Work to calm down
- ▪️ The perfect opportunity to present itself
Meanwhile, we’re feeling isolated, anxious about not having people to call on, and wondering why it’s so hard to make meaningful connections as adults.
Michele doesn’t have the luxury of waiting, and honestly? Neither do we.
When she moved to Arizona five months ago, she was scared. “I was really scared to leave my family and be a plane ride away,” she shared. But instead of letting that fear paralyze her, she got to work immediately.
She joined her neighborhood’s Facebook group for moms. She started a local boot camp class. She and her husband found a church with active small groups. She asked that woman she met at a local event if she wanted to go for walks.
“It always feels hard, like asking someone to do something with you. But those people really want that too, like both of us do. So it’s sort of getting over that little awkwardness, to start making connections and building friends with somebody.”
The Facebook Group Strategy That Actually Works
One thing Michele does that most people don’t: she uses Facebook groups strategically instead of just scrolling.
“I try not to spend too much time on social media for my personal life. So I use that more strategically. So I might go into the group and search something like if I’m looking for a local school or something like that. Use the search function in the bar, and then you can see posts, and you can search most recent ones.”
She’s not endlessly scrolling through neighborhood drama. She’s searching for “homeschool teens” when she wants to connect her daughter with peers. She’s looking for health-minded people when she wants to find her community. She’s posting specific questions when she needs something.
“If you’re really just scrolling, you’re not gonna get anything out of it. But you can find events or different things that you’re looking for.”
The search function becomes a filter for the exact type of connections she needs. Brilliant, right?
Why the First Hello Is Always the Hardest
Michele shared something that resonated with me deeply: “Making that first awkward hello, is the worst the time between when you get there and you make the first hello, is when you’re overthinking at the most.”
She’s learned to get that awkward period over with as quickly as possible. At a recent local event, she walked up to another woman looking at clothes and said, “Hey, my name is Michele, and what’s your name?” Later, she messaged her on Facebook asking if she wanted to go for a walk.
The woman’s response? “You know, thank you so much for talking to me, like I’m really quiet… But she was just so grateful that I talked to her.”
Here’s the thing we all forget: other people want connections too. Studies show we consistently assume people find interactions with us less enjoyable than they actually do. (It’s called the liking gap, and I dive deep into it in Episode 41.)
Michele even teaches this to her 16-year-old daughter: “If we flip it, like if they asked you to do the same thing, how would you feel? Like I’d be really excited? And we’re like, yeah, so her friend would probably feel the same way if she asked her.”
The Different Types of Community You Actually Need
One thing I love about Michele’s approach is that she’s not looking for one perfect friend to meet all her needs. She’s building different types of connections:
- ▪️ Activity partners: People to walk with, work out with, do boot camp classes with
- ▪️ Family friends: Other parents whose kids can play together, who share similar values about raising children
- ▪️ Couple connections: Through their church small group, where she and her husband can connect with other couples
- ▪️ Neighbors who feel like family: Like the couple at their previous location who became like second grandparents to their kids
“There’s also different types of relationships and things too,” Michele pointed out. “It may not be the exact person or thing you have in mind. But if we think of like families as a whole, or how like community functions, it’s different ages, different people and different things.”
What Military Families Teach Us About Resilience
After 18+ years of military life and multiple moves, Michele has developed something most of us lack: complete confidence that she can build community anywhere.
“I do feel confident. And I do have just faith that it’s gonna be okay. I can do this, you know, things sort of always work out when you’re putting that effort in.”
But she wasn’t always this way. “If my husband wasn’t in the military… it forced me to be intentional and get better at this. So that probably started… I’m 41 now, so it’s been a while. So I feel like it’s definitely gotten easier. And it’s definitely a skill. You can grow whether you feel like that’s not you.”
It’s a skill. Not a personality trait, not something you’re born with or without. A skill that gets easier with practice.
And here’s what she’s learned: you don’t have to be 100% confident. You just have to start. “I don’t think I was confident the whole time. You know, I said, I was scared to move and like, you know, you still have some of those fears and worries, but it’s like, you have that overall arching, like I can do this, it’s going to be fine.”
Your Turn to Get Stuff on the Walls
Michele’s question for anyone listening was perfect: “When you move somewhere new – or, if you were to move somewhere new – what would be your first thing you’d need to ‘get on the wall?’ Would it be finding a gym? Finding a walking buddy? Meeting substitute guardians or ‘grandparents’ for your kids? What would you need to feel at home in this new place?”
But here’s my question: What if you didn’t have to move to start getting stuff on the walls?
What if you treated building community in your current location with the same urgency Michele brings to each new place? What if you stopped waiting for the perfect time and started taking action this week?
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ Finally joining that local Facebook group and using the search function to find your people
- ▪️ Asking that neighbor you always wave to if they want to go for a walk
- ▪️ Signing up for that class you’ve been thinking about for months
- ▪️ Reaching out to that acquaintance who seems like they could become a real friend
Michele’s approach isn’t just for military families. It’s for anyone who recognizes that connection isn’t a luxury we earn after everything else is perfect. It’s the foundation that makes everything else possible.
“That’s what takes away our anxiety and fear – knowing that we have people that we can call on.”
The Skill You Didn’t Know You Could Develop
What gives me hope about Michele’s story is this: she’s teaching her kids these same skills. Her 12-year-old son initially said he wasn’t going to make friends in Arizona because he didn’t want to leave the ones behind. But after playing basketball at the local courts, he’s made new friends while still staying in touch with old ones via text.
Her 16-year-old daughter has developed confidence in approaching new people and asking them to hang out – skills that will serve her for life.
These aren’t skills reserved for extroverts or “natural connectors.” They’re skills anyone can develop. Michele describes herself as introverted and says she only needs a few close friends to feel good. But she’s learned to be intentional about finding those people.
The difference between people who build community easily and people who struggle isn’t personality. It’s approach. And Michele’s approach is simple: treat community building as necessary, not optional. Start immediately, not eventually. Take action, not perfect action.
Want to hear the full conversation with Michele? Listen to Episode 48 of Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. We dive deep into her specific strategies for using social media to find local connections, how she’s teaching her kids to build friendships, and what it really looks like to make community-building a family priority.
And if this resonates with you, send it to someone who might need the reminder that they don’t have to wait for the perfect time to start building the connections they need. Sometimes the best way to get stuff on the walls is to just start hanging things up.
Ready to dive deeper into friendship? Subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you listen to podcasts, and join the conversation at @itsalexalexander on Instagram.
