If you have 50 unread text messages right now and the thought of opening them makes your stomach drop, keep reading.
If you’ve ever been added to a group chat you never asked to join and felt weird about leaving, this is for you.
If you’ve muted a group chat but still feel guilty every time you see that little moon icon, this is DEFINITELY for you.
Here’s the thing: The reason group chats give you anxiety probably isn’t because you’re bad at friendship. It’s because you CARE. You care about staying connected. You care about being a good friend. You care about showing up.
And that caring? It’s making you spin your wheels in the wrong direction.
This is Part 2 of my group chat anxiety series. In Part 1 (Episode 164), I broke down what group chat anxiety actually IS—the fears, the overwhelm, why notifications feel like emotional homework no one’s grading. If you haven’t listened to that yet, go back and start there. It’ll help this episode land even harder.
But today? Today we’re talking about what to actually DO about it.
The Highway Analogy That Changes Everything
I want you to think about your group chats like a highway.
The highway was never supposed to be the destination. It was supposed to get you somewhere. But somewhere along the way, you forgot to take an exit. And now you’ve been driving endlessly, exhausted, desperately wanting to pull off and take a nap.
That’s what most of us are doing with group chats. We’re treating them like the connection itself, when really, they’re supposed to be a TOOL to get to the connection we actually crave.
The goal isn’t to survive the highway. The goal is to find the exit ramp.
Maybe that exit is a 10-minute phone call that replaces a million messages. Maybe it’s a 30-minute coffee date to knock out trip planning instead of 200 texts. Maybe it’s a monthly walk where you actually catch up instead of reading updates in fragmented sentences between meetings.
Or maybe—and this is important—the exit is realizing you don’t need to be on this particular highway at all.
Wrong Work vs. Right Work
Let’s talk about the work you’re doing in your group chats right now. Because I think a lot of us are doing the WRONG work.
Wrong work looks like:
- ▪️ Constantly checking to see if there’s anything new
- ▪️ Wondering if anyone responded to the last thing you sent
- ▪️ Spending way too much time crafting the “perfect” response because 10, 20, 30 people are going to see it
- ▪️ Managing FOMO by lurking… and then feeling guilty about lurking
- ▪️ Pretending to deeply care about 100 messages of trivial information when your life feels like too much to handle
- ▪️ Trying to survive off this type of connection when it’s not actually filling you up
Here’s what I think is happening: Group chats create an ILLUSION of closeness. They make you feel like you’re staying in touch. But are you actually connecting? Or does it just feel like surface-level maintenance that’s burning you out?
Some chats DO create real connection. I have a few of those. But a lot of us are stuck in surface-level maintenance cycles that never end because the notifications never stop.
It’s similar to having too many friends (which I talked about in Episode 161). When you’re trying to maintain every friendship at the exact same level, you burn out. Same thing happens with group chats.
So what’s the RIGHT work?
The right work is using group chats as a TOOL. It’s taking time to think about which chats make you feel close and spending more energy there. It’s thinking about the chats that DON’T make you feel close and asking yourself: Do I want to put energy into shifting this? Or do I want to let it go?
The right work is using the group chat to find that exit ramp. To get to something that actually fills you up.
Maybe that’s switching to voice memos so you get that vocal inflection that makes you feel more connected. Maybe it’s using a video messaging app so you can SEE someone’s face when they get excited about your news. Because there’s a huge difference between me typing “I’m so excited for you!!!” and you actually SEEING me bounce up and down with my hands in the air.
The goal is to use the group chat to exit the highway and get to connection that actually matters.
How to Audit Your Group Chats
I wish I could give you one set of rules that would tell you if a group chat is “good” or “bad.” But I don’t think that’s the right question.
The right question is: What components of THIS particular group chat make it work for you or not work for you?
Because group chats are what we make them. And the factors that make one chat draining might make another chat feel effortless.
Here’s what to look at:
Size. Big vs. small. And it’s not all or nothing. You might be fine in a big group chat if it’s mostly announcements. I have a chat with 30+ friends from a place I used to live. We don’t all live near each other anymore, but the chat has become this low-volume, high-signal space for big life updates. Someone’s moving. Someone passed away. Someone’s in town. It works because it has a clear (unspoken) purpose.
But if that same 30-person chat was people sending mundane updates all day long? I’d mute it immediately.
Closeness. Close friends vs. acquaintances. How do you show up differently based on how close you feel to people? You might be fine in a neighborhood chat with acquaintances as long as people stick to logistics. But if random people start sending trivial updates about buying stuff for their backyard, you might want out. Whereas in a close friends chat? That might feel fine.
Depth. Deep conversations vs. easy logistics. I’ve noticed I have a LIMIT for deep conversation group chats. At a certain point, those responses require so much time, energy, and emotional labor that I start to feel anxious. But quick, easy questions? “What’s the link?” “Are you going next week?” That’s fine.
Side chats. Are you okay if people in a group chat have side conversations? Or do you feel like that’s not allowed? Because here’s the thing—if people don’t feel like it’s PERMISSIBLE to start a side chat, they’re going to have their entire conversation in the main chat. And you’re going to sit there annoyed watching two people go back and forth about socks for 50 messages.
Stable membership. Is this a stable list of people, or are random numbers constantly being added and removed? Does that give you anxiety? Are you suddenly worried about what you’re sending because you don’t know who these people are?
And finally—the big one—PURPOSE. Does this group chat have a clear purpose, or is it trying to be everything to everyone?
I think this is one of the BIGGEST factors. And it ties into my Roots framework (Episode 12).
I have certain things I send to certain groups of people. I have a chat with a couple girlfriends where we mostly talk about Taylor Swift and new sparkling water flavors. Anytime we’re in the store and see a flavor we’ve never seen, we snap a photo and send it to the chat.
I have another small chat where we send a lot of Facebook Marketplace finds. If I’m going to share that with anyone, it’s them.
I have a chat with multiple couples where it’s mostly funny photos of people’s kids and updates about how wild parenting is. (I don’t have kids, so I’m mostly just there for moral support and laughing at the chaos.)
When a chat has a CLEAR, SPECIFIC PURPOSE, it’s easier to know when to send something. When to engage. And it’s easier to let go of anxiety about not participating in ways you don’t want to, because you trust that when you have an update that fits, you’ll send it.
Here are a few types of chats that tend to struggle:
Random parent logistics chats. You get thrown into a chat with five numbers you don’t know. No introduction. Just “Hey, I know you all said you were interested in this fundraiser.” Suddenly you’re mixed in with strangers, which leads to lurking, muting, and wishing someone had set this up better.
Big groups trying to be everything. Random updates, life updates, emotional support, memes, logistics. You don’t know what’s happening. You just want to mute it.
Chats where the dynamics have shifted. Maybe this was a group of three or four close friends, but someone moved away. They’re still in the chat, but everyone else is talking about what they’re doing this weekend together. One person is just getting a ton of logistical messages about something they can’t attend.
The most actionable thing you can do: Determine the purpose of the chat. Even if it’s just for YOU. Because it’ll give you a sense of when to participate. When to ping your signal. And hopefully, it’ll let go of some of the anxiety.
This doesn’t have to be a formal thing. You don’t need to announce it. But if you can name the purpose for yourself, it helps.
Listen to the full episode for more examples of how to evaluate your chats and what patterns to look for in yourself.
Permission Slips You Need Right Now
Before you have any conversations with anyone, I need you to give yourself permission to do the following:
You don’t have to be in every group chat. You don’t. If a chat doesn’t serve you, it’s okay to leave.
It’s okay to mute. You’re not a bad friend for silencing notifications.
It’s okay to tell people you’re not offended if they want to talk about something on their own. Side chats are NORMAL.
It’s okay to respond when you have capacity. You don’t owe anyone instant replies.
It’s okay to set boundaries. “Hey, just so you know, I’m probably not responding for at least 48 hours right now. That’s what I need.”
Now. Leaving a group chat. I KNOW this gives people anxiety because of that little notification: “So-and-so left the chat.”
Yes, it’s awkward. I get it.
But here’s where I always come back to the in-person equivalent: Leaving a group chat is like Irish goodbyeing at a party. You don’t announce it to everyone. You maybe say goodbye to one or two people, and then you leave.
In real life, it’s NORMAL for people to leave early. To cancel. To step out. But digitally, we’ve amplified the meaning because we can’t see people’s reactions. We can’t respond to the nonverbal cues.
But we do it in person all the time. So we can do it digitally. And we can deal with whatever reactions people have.
Let’s Talk About Side Chats
I have plenty of friends who have separate side chats with other friends I’m also friends with. I regularly hear about group chats I’m not in. And that’s OKAY.
There’s probably a reason they’re texting those people and not me. They share an interest. They’re coordinating something I’m not going to. They want separate connection that has nothing to do with our friendship.
My suggestion? Make this okay. Start talking to your friends about how this is PERMISSIBLE. Because if it’s not okay and someone finds out there are smaller chats, they might be upset. Not because the side chat exists, but because you never talked about it. You never normalized it.
Compare this to real life. At a party, it’s totally normal for two people to stand off to the side talking about Formula One while everyone else mingles. You don’t demand to be included in that conversation just because you can hear it.
We need to let people have those conversations in group chats, too. Otherwise, we’re stuck watching 100-message threads about topics we don’t care about, which creates MORE anxiety.
So maybe it’s time to shift your friend group culture. Make it acceptable that not everyone has to be in every chat. Make it acceptable to leave. Make it acceptable to have boundaries.
How to Actually Have These Conversations
Okay, Alex. HOW do I talk to my people about this?
Simple. Just ask.
Sit down with someone and say, “Hey, group chats are giving me a lot of anxiety. Here’s what I’m thinking. If it was okay to have side chats, I wouldn’t come back to 150 messages about things I don’t care about. Do you think that would be okay? How would that make you feel?”
Ask people if they have other friends with side chats. How does that make them feel? Maybe they’re like, “Yeah, I do. It’s fine.” And you’re like, “Wait, why aren’t WE doing that?”
Ask about expectations. “I’m really thinking I need everyone to understand that right now, I’m probably not responding for at least 48 hours. How would that make you feel?”
One of my favorite ways to shift the culture of a friend group is to throw out HYPOTHETICALS. See how people react. Talk through what it would look like. Because I think the biggest struggle around change is that it’s sudden. If you can have hypothetical conversations, it prepares people. So when you actually set a boundary, they’re not confused.
And finally: Anytime you shift friend group culture, there might be some hurt. You might have to do a little repair. That’s normal.
Where You Go From Here
Reframe. Group chats aren’t the enemy. But they’re also not a replacement for the connection you’re actually craving. They’re a TOOL. Use them to get to connection that feels fulfilling.
Audit your chats. Get granular. Which ones are working? Which ones are draining? Why? What’s different about two chats that seem similar on the surface but feel completely different?
Name the purposes. Even just in your own head. So you know when you should show up.
Notice if you’re carrying extra emotional labor. Are you the only one responding to big life updates? Why?
Start simple conversations about expectations and group chat culture.
Give yourself permission. To leave. To set boundaries. To not be in every chat. To mute things. To stop trying to survive off this type of connection.
Find something—anything—10 minutes, a voice memo, a monthly walk—that uses your energy to move you toward connection that actually fills you up.
Find that exit ramp.
Because at the end of the day, you care about your friendships. That’s why this feels so hard. You’re inundated with notifications and messages and things you feel like you need to respond to, but you’re not getting the verbal cues that act as guardrails and feedback.
So be gentle with yourself. And maybe, just maybe, try texting a little less with the intention of connecting a little more.
Listen to the full episode for the complete breakdown of how to navigate group chat anxiety and find the connection you’re actually craving.
