How To Feel Very “Not Alone”

Podcast Description

Today’s episode begins with a decision to book plane tickets to California over my birthday and stay with some friends who were going through a medical emergency. They needed an extra hand with day-to-day things: think cooking, laundry, and walking their dog.

Now, I’m not a big birthday person (never have been). 

At a certain point in my life, I probably would have been thrilled to be alone on my birthday. Even though society says I should need “everyone” to text me and call me and throw me a big party and do all these things. 

So why is it that I found myself alone at the beach in tears with such an overwhelming sense of gratitude?

Tune in to hear more of how this story unfolded, including why we need a “web” of people around us for support and assurance, and the magic of creating filters to decide where you’re investing your energy.

Let today be the first day of your little, consistent, actions.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Having solid support systems that can inspire us to take risks, believe in ourselves, get outside of our comfort zones, and bring our wildest dreams to life
• My messy process of how I went from feeling so lonely in a room full of people to feeling supported, starting with a set of reflection questions you can ask yourself to get really intentional about your existing relationships
• Turning the dial up on what’s working well in your current friendships. How can you lean in more and take it to the next level?
• The importance of setting boundaries or even letting go of friendships that are no longer serving us – but not letting that energy detract from focusing on what we want to add to our life with friends
• A simple task you can try to build intentional connection that involves just 5 minutes of space on your calendar each day (or 30 minutes once per week)
• Having a “mental Rolodex” of hundreds or thousands of small moments. This alone will bring you the confidence to tell your friends when you need them. Having a support system is beautiful

Reflection Questions:

Sit down, take time to reflect. What kind of people do you need in your life? What interests do you want to share with them? What things do you want to talk about? How do you want to spend your time together? 

Next, think about what you bring to your current relationships. What can you offer to people in your current season of life?

Notable Quotes from Alex

“It’s wild to me, that I now have people that I can call on a bad day. People who know all the messy, weird parts of me and love me anyways. People that understand that my past impacts a lot of things about me and allow me to navigate that. Friends who trust me enough to come stay in their house and take care of them. Friends who I know when I call them, when shit hits the fan, would drop everything to come be there for me (because that has happened), and recent, fast friends who are just there for one area of my life, friends who I can have fun with, and laugh and be silly. I have a lot of friends who are like brothers and sisters and are that chosen family that I really need. I’ve done the work to create this really expansive, unique to me, connection situation like this. There’s a web around me, that catches me.”

“Maybe I could actually throw myself a party and ask people to come and enjoy it, because I can trust that this support system that I built loves me for me, supports what I’m going after, and they actually want to show up and celebrate ME, which would explain my never ending tears on my birthday – because that is overwhelming.”

“The magic of that consistency is the reason that I can sit on that beach alone and be overwhelmed with gratitude at these connections I’ve built. Because as I’m sitting there alone, I have hundreds if not thousands of these small touchpoints with my friends, with my people, that I can just sit there and basically like mental Rolodex through and have so much confidence that these people care about me and that I care about them and that we are connected, that I’m not alone, (even though I’m sitting there physically alone), like those add up. And they add up in a way that allows us to have a confidence in belonging and connection and support that we won’t have if we’re just looking at these big moments and waiting for the next party.”

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Go back and listen to Episode 19: The One for Little Alex, to hear more about my story.

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Leave Alex a voicemail!

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More About How to “Feel Not Alone”

Until next time…

Take the conversation beyond the new podcast on friendship! Follow Alex on Instagram (@itsalexalexander) or Tiktok (@itsalexalexander), or send her a voice message directly with all your friendship thoughts, problems, and triumphs by heading to AlexAlex.chat and hitting record. 

Episode Transcript

Podcast Intro/Outro  00:02

Alrighty, gang. Here’s to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn in family. Cheers!

Podcast Intro/Outro   00:18

Hello, Hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I’m your host, Alex Alexander. My friends… They would tell you; I like to ask the hard questions. You know who I am in the group? I’m the person that’s saying, “Okay, I’m going to ask this question, but don’t feel like you have to answer it.” And now, I can be that friend for you, too. 

Alex Alexander  00:50

Hi, friends. Just me today, here to hang out. I thought that maybe, since I’ve had some very hard-hitting long episodes recently, we will just chill today. Just take it easy, have a little conversation. I’ll talk about me a little bit. So you maybe are left having felt like you’ve done this really deep life reflection like you probably have after some of our recent episodes. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, I’m going to talk about something today that I talked about all my Instagram Stories. By the time this episode releases, it’ll have been a couple weeks. But if you follow me on Instagram, you saw that I have been down in California at the time I’m recording this episode. We have some friends who have some pretty intense ongoing medical emergency stuff going on. They’ve had some primary caretakers, my friend’s parents who have been able… lucky enough, privileged enough to be able to stay with them for an extended period of time and take care of them. But I have been offering ever since this happened, that I would be more than happy to come down at any point and stay with them and give their parents some relief. And I talked quite a bit about this on my Instagram stories. And this is just background. This really actually isn’t the topic of this episode. But when my friends called and said, “Hey, these are some dates, my parents really need to go home. Can you come stay with us?” It just so happened that it included my birthday. Which is if you know me in person, I have never been that big of a birthday person. So she probably knew that was like, ah, maybe Alex won’t care. But I think she also just was in such need, that even though my birthday fell on those dates, it really is truly the dates they needed covered. She figured she would ask. And I said, “Of course.” Like I booked the tickets. I’ve been offering to come for months. I’m not a huge birthday person. Not a big deal. And I knew when I came down here, like this is a medical emergency. They’re spending the majority of their days in the hospital being caretakers, my friends are, that I would be in their house alone with their dog quite a bit. Like I’m down here to walk their dog, feed their dog, pick up their mail, take out their trash, maybe do a load of laundry here or there, cook. I spend most of my day actually just working in their house. And then a couple hours doing some like caretaking tasks, but I’ve mostly been alone, the majority of the time. So when I came down here, when I said yes, and it overlapped with my birthday, I knew with 90% certainty that I wouldn’t be spending the majority of my birthday alone that day. And I was correct. I woke up, they said, “Happy Birthday.” There was a card but they have very important things going on. Like this is what I expected. Now at a certain point in my life, I probably would have been thrilled to be alone on my birthday if I’m being quite honest. You know, growing up, I don’t have a lot of great birthday memories. And if you talk to any of my friends in my 20s, I did a lot of just like trying to downplay my birthday, like sure I would let there be a celebration. But I don’t really want a big party, I don’t want a lot of attention on me. Can we just have a picnic where everybody shows up? Maybe they sing me happy birthday. But for the most part, let’s actually just not acknowledge that it’s my birthday. And I’ve done a lot of work. Also not the point of this episode, to get to a place where I’m not trying to pretend it’s not my birthday. But I woke up on my birthday this year pretty emotional, actually. And I didn’t know why I was so emotional. I kind of had been lying to myself, when I said it didn’t matter that I was going to be alone. And I was actually sad. Like, what was the reason? I just woke up and I couldn’t pinpoint it. I was able to get through the first couple hours of my day, which is probably good, because I had a couple of calls, without losing that. My last call ended at about 10am. I hit end and I immediately burst into tears without having any idea why.

PODCAST EPISODE! Listen to my story… and why I believe so firmly that building yourself a support system is the ultimate self care. Listen here.

Alex Alexander  06:04

And I think part of the tears actually just has to do with me, maybe processing how sad it is that I’ve gone so long in my life not wanting anybody to celebrate my birthday, there’s probably a little bit of that. But that was not the overwhelming feeling. The overwhelming feeling was actually like gratitude, which then made no sense because I’m alone by myself on my birthday. Gratitude is like not the feeling most people would assume I’m having. Still couldn’t quite pinpoint it. But I decided, you know what? It’s my birthday, I’m going to not work anymore. Today, I’m going to do one of my favorite things, and I’m gonna get my car, I’m gonna drive to the beach. As I was driving, I decided you know what? Add to it, I’m gonna go get myself a fancy donut and a fancy coffee. And I’m gonna go hang out on the beach. This again, one point was probably my dream birthday. Alone, beach, fancy donut, I’m good. So I find my donut, get my coffee. Find a great parking spot by the way at the beach. Front row. Like my tires, were touching the sand. That’s how close I was. I don’t know how I managed that. Grabbed my towel, walk across the beach, get to the edge. Again, sit down. And I’m crying. I suppose I should mention that while I drove to the beach, I also was crying. No clue why. And they don’t feel sad. I don’t feel sad this entire time but I just can’t quite pinpoint it. So I’m sitting there, crying. If anybody that had seen me had known it was my birthday, they’re probably figuring I’m sad. But I really don’t feel sad. And I realized that I am overwhelmed with the fact that although I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling very alone, like that’s probably why I didn’t like my birthday as a kid is I would be in this room full of people who are all celebrating me. But I was never really honest about how I felt, right? All these other things that were happening in my life. If you don’t know what those are, go listen to episode 19. But I’m sitting there, most of the time being celebrated feeling so inauthentic and like trying to smile through these underlying feelings. And yet, in like such stark contrast, I am sitting alone on the beach, feeling not alone. Feeling the most supported I’ve ever felt in my life.

Alex Alexander  08:54

Like could care less if a single person texts me, because I know I have so many people in my life who care about me, because of all the touch points I have in my life. So if you’re confused what I’m talking about, like what I’m saying is as a kid, I lived out that phrase that people say if you know when you feel lonely in a room full of people, that was my experience nonstop, all the time. And somehow, which I’m going to talk about, I’m in a place in my life. Where I am alone. I am physically by myself with a bunch of strangers on a beach on my birthday on a day that society says I should need everyone to text me and call me and throw me a big party and do all these things. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting all that. But I feel so supported and assured in my relationships because I have so many touch points with my people recently, that I don’t even need it. Because I just like trust on such a deep level I have all these people. And how the heck did I go from being so lonely in a room full of people to being alone, and feeling the most supported I’ve ever felt in my life? And as I sat there on the beach, I just kept thinking, one, how did I get here? And two, I am so proud of myself for getting here. I’m so grateful that I did this. I’m so grateful to these people in my life, who are here, again, grateful to me for doing the work, to be more honest, and feel less lonely in a room full of people to like, accept who I am, and show up as that. I’m grateful to me for doing all the work that has to do with my childhood. Again, go listen to episode 19. I’m grateful for putting in the effort to reach out to my people, and continue to build relationships, that feel really supportive, and that feel consistent and honest. Like, I’m just so grateful. Because this really is a complete 180 in my life, in the way I felt for so long. It’s wild to me, that I now have people that I can call on a bad day. People who know all the messy, weird parts of me and love me anyways. People that understand that my past impacts a lot of things about me and allow me to navigate that. Friends who trust me enough to come stay in their house and take care of them. Friends who I know when I call them, when shit hits the fan would drop everything to come be there for me, because that has happened in recent past. Friends who are just there for one area of my life, friends who I can have fun with, and laugh and be silly. You know? I have a lot of friends who are like brothers and sisters and are that chosen family that I really need. That I’ve just like done the work to create this really expansive, unique-to-me connection situation like this… this a web around me, that catches me. Because the thing is like what I have built for myself is probably not going to feel right to anybody else. It’s not going to feel right to you. 

Alex Alexander  12:38

But it feels so right to me. So right. Like I can’t even describe how right it feels in this current moment in my life. I’ve said this before, but I really think community and friendship is this foundational support piece that when you have people who get you, but also people where you can be yourself, that’s what gives you almost like permission or encouragement to go after big goals or to make mistakes because you feel like you have people who will cheer you on or catch you if you fail. You know, people who you can call in the hard moments, who won’t judge you for taking a big risk. The people who you can go have fun with. I also have people for me, like unique to me, right, who know that I have all this weird family stuff going on. And they get the backstory, but they also give me grace when that’s impeding in other areas of my life. People I can call as I build this business when I tell them I have like wild dreams. And they tell me they can’t wait to see how that comes to life. They don’t… maybe don’t get it but like they’re here for it.

Alex Alexander  13:51

Man, it’s overwhelming to think about it. You know, like, we need these support systems, because they are there to allow us to take risks, to believe in ourselves, to try new things, to get outside our comfort zone, to remind us that we can trust ourselves. And I’m just really grateful as I’m sitting on this beach, that I’ve done that for myself. Like this birthday this year felt like some sort of reset for me that although I didn’t have this in the past, and my birthday was some weird day that I just wanted to get over with, I sat there on the beach thinking maybe moving forward, this won’t be a day that I just want to move past every year. Maybe I could actually throw myself a party and ask people to come and enjoy it.

PODCAST EPISODE! Have you ever made a friendship goal? Set friendship intentions? Well, if you haven’t… you should. Hear more about my friendship goals for 2023. Listen Here

Alex Alexander  14:48

Because I can trust that this support system that I built loves me for me, supports what I’m going after, and that they actually want to show up and celebrate me, which would explain my never ending tears on my birthday because that is overwhelming. It is so different than 30-plus years of my life. So if you are out there and you are listening to this and you feel alone, if you feel like you don’t have what you want, and you’re like, how do I go from feeling lonely in a room full of people to feeling supported? I have a couple of tips for you. Because I really sat there trying to think like, I just did this. I didn’t know what I was doing. It’s been a messy process. Like, what did I do to get here? Maybe my messy process can help you do it, and not have it take decades of your life. So my first tip is get really clear on your half of these relationships, which basically means get really clear on you. Sit down, take time to reflect. Think about the following things. What do you need? What kind of people do you need in your life? What interests do you want to share with them? What things do you want to talk about? How do you want to spend your time together? What do you need? Next, think about what you bring to your half of the relationships? What can you offer to people in your current season of life? So, the same questions. How do you want to spend time with these people? What can you offer them in support? What interests do you want to share with people? Like so often, we’re going into our relationships without really spending the time to get clear and intentional. And if you don’t know where you’re going, you’re just wasting your energy. Number two, think about what’s working. If you look at your relationships that you have, what feels right, what feels good, what feels easy. That could mean a certain friendship, it could mean connecting with a certain friend about a certain topic, could mean that you have a pickleball friend. And that’s an interest you really love. So you really look forward to those times together. Like what is working, so you can take that relationship and turn the dial up, lean in more? How do you take that to like the next level? Because if it’s already working, there’s probably really small tweaks you could make. That would make it feel even better. The next thing is to figure out what you want to add. Like maybe you need parent friends, maybe you need someone that is also on like a big financial journey. They have big goals. Maybe you want to travel friend or somebody who’s going through some hard-lived experience you have right now, right? They lost a loved one and they’re grieving. Like what do you need? Where can you add to your life? And when you figure that out, then you can be on the lookout for it. You can start telling people, you know, “Oh, I’m looking for friends who want to travel,” or “I’m moving. And I really need, you know, people in this new town, who are parents that I can connect with.” What can you add, because it’s easier to see that when you know what you’re looking for. We are so inundated with possible connections. And that’s not a bad thing. But it can be hard because it’s overwhelming. You create the filters. So that’s what we’re doing here. By figuring out what you want to add, you’re creating the filters, to decide where you’re investing more of your energy as you’re moving through your day. The next step is looking at what you want to let go of. Now, please note that this is the last step that is in that order for a reason. Because quite often we get so focused on boundaries to let go or stopping that habit or how it’s not serving us. When if we actually focused on where we can maybe, let’s call it amplify a friendship, that’s working well, or where we can add, that letting go becomes easier. We’re not as worried about that boundary we need to set with a friend or why it’s not working. Or what’s not serving us or breaking that habit because we’re filling that time we would spend on that habit with something else that is better, that we’re more interested in, that we’re more excited about. So a lot of times we focus more on adding, the letting go will just happen. Therefore, it’s nice to be aware of what we’re letting go. But if you put that first, and that’s where your brain always goes, you’re using so much energy letting go. But it’s also what you’re focused on. When instead, you could be using that energy and brainpower, and willpower to create new, better habits, relationships, routines, connections. So focus on the adding first.

Alex Alexander  20:39

Okay, now that you’ve done, all of these things, you’ve done this reflection, you need to accept that this stuff isn’t gonna happen overnight. We all need to be focusing on these small shifts that build over time. And I used this analogy the other day, and I really love it. So often with our friendships, we’re focused on the Hill sprints, you’re focused on getting out there and running that hill as fast as you can maybe once, maybe twice, and you come home. And you wonder why your blood pressure numbers at the doctor haven’t changed. When really, what you need to do is just get outside for a walk a couple of times a week. That is probably going to make a bigger difference and be easier to maintain, than just suddenly trying to run a few Hill sprints and expecting it to happen. So since we’ve accepted that this isn’t going to happen overnight, instead, I would suggest like, put five minutes on your calendar to do some small thing related to connection every day.

Alex Alexander  21:54

And if every day isn’t your style, because it’s not mine, then what about 30 minutes, once a week? So you know if it’s every day, that could be while you brush your teeth, when you go on a morning walk, when you stand in your kitchen with one foot on the other leg, staring out the window waiting for the water to filter through your BRITA. That could be the moment that instead you do one small thing related to connection every day. You can respond to the text or send that thank you or set up that next hangout. You know, if it’s 30 minutes, once a week, then every Friday morning, that’s part of your routine or every Sunday while you drink coffee. Like these little things, the magic of that consistency is the reason that I can sit on that beach alone and be overwhelmed with gratitude at these connections I’ve built. Because as I’m sitting there alone, I have hundreds, if not 1000s, of these small touchpoints with my friends with my people that I can just sit there and basically like mental rolodex through and have so much confidence that these people care about me and that I care about them and that we are connected. That I’m not alone, even though I’m sitting there physically alone. Like those add up. And they add up in a way that allows us to have a confidence in belonging and connection and support that we won’t have if we’re just looking at these big moments and waiting for the next maybe party. You know, I’m not sitting there on my birthday desperate for everybody to show me how much they care because I have so many touch points that allow me to just know they do. And you know what? If you’re listening to this, and you’re like, I could never ever be alone on my birthday, that’s fine. I’ve already preface this with my own weird birthday feelings. It might be really important to you that people show up for your birthday. That’s fine. Like I would just recommend telling your friends that so that they don’t disappoint you. But whether it’s your birthday, or the moment where you’re sitting there after a big loss or a big fail, and you want to reach out to someone but you aren’t sure, you don’t trust whether people show up for you, this Rolodex of small moments is what is going to allow you to reach out, to without question pick up your phone and say, “Hey, I need you right now.” That’s the kind of support we’re building. And as I sit here, and just think about this whole scenario of my birthday this year that I will never ever forget in my entire life, my core message to you is building the support system is beautiful. And it’s great and it feels good to feel supported and belonged. But when you sit there and you’ve done it because you know the energy you’ve invested into building this for yourself, there’s a sort of pride I can’t even explain. I sat there crying so grateful for them. But also so proud of me for doing this for myself. Like for building the support system that I trust so much. Because I would say I am not the most consistent person in a lot of areas of my life, funny enough. But in this one, I am. And I couldn’t be prouder of myself. Because it’s been a long road. A lot of tiny little actions consistently that have built what I have. And if you’re sitting here thinking, well, that’s nice that you did that, I just want to tell you, I’m not special. I’m… this isn’t like, something only I can do. Anybody can do what I’m doing. We’re just not talking enough about it. So with that, I’ll let you go and get back to your day. Maybe use this moment while you’re sitting here after this episode to send that text or start. Let today be the first day of your little consistent actions.

Podcast Intro/Outro  26:23

Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don’t let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary Goodbye. I’ll be back with a new episode next week.