Here’s a question I hear constantly:
“Alex, I want to make friends. But where do I even start?”
And it kind of blows my mind. Because these same people have probably had dozens (maybe hundreds) of points of connection that day.
They’ve watched videos of people walking to their car, lying in their bed. They’ve read messages, seen conversations, and scrolled through lives they feel connected to.
The connection is there. The technology is there.
But how do we use it intentionally to build REAL friendships?
That’s what we’re talking about today.
I sat down with Claudia and Marcela, a mother-daughter duo who run Minded Society, a community where women in their 30s to 50s are forming real, authentic friendships.
All starting in the digital world.
And if you’re thinking, “But can online friendships really be REAL?” Go back and listen to last week’s episode (Episode 129) where I break that down. Spoiler: Yes. They absolutely can.
Today we’re talking about HOW.
Meet Claudia and Marcela (Living Proof That Distance Doesn’t Matter)
Before we dive into the how, I want you to meet these two.
Because they’re living proof that digital connection is REAL connection.
Claudia is in Chicago. Marcela is in Spain, in the Canary Islands, to be specific.
They’re literally on different continents. Different time zones. Thousands of miles apart.
And they maintain their mother-daughter relationship beautifully.
When I asked them how, their answer was simple: Effort.
As Marcela put it, “We used to think that to become friends, you need proximity. But even if you are close, if you don’t put effort into your relationship, that friendship is not going to flourish. It’s the same thing. It doesn’t matter if you’re close, if you’re far away, if you are online, if you are in person.”
Proximity doesn’t create friendship. EFFORT does.
And here’s what Claudia added: “The world today, it’s very common for people to leave their hometowns. You go to college somewhere new, and you make friends there. Then you move to a new city for work. You’re making communities in all different places.”
We ALL have long-distance friendships now. We’re ALL maintaining relationships digitally.
Text messages. Voice notes. FaceTime. Zoom calls.
So why do we act like friendships that START online are somehow different?
The Two Biggest Problems With Making Friends (And How Virtual Communities Solve Them)
Okay, so let’s talk about why making friends as an adult is SO HARD.
I think there are two massive problems:
Problem #1: You don’t know if someone actually WANTS friends
Think about it. You go to a coffee shop. You see someone you might want to talk to.
But then your brain goes: She probably already has a bunch of friends. I don’t want to bother her.
Or maybe you DO talk to them. You have a great conversation. You exchange numbers.
But then you reach out and… crickets.
And it’s not personal. Maybe they’re just not in a place where making new friends is a priority right now.
But you don’t know that. So you assume you did something wrong.
Problem #2: Building consistency with new people is HARD
Let’s say you DO find someone who wants friends. Great!
But now what?
You’ve just met. You’re not that close yet. How often do you reach out? Once a week? Is that too much? Too little?
It feels vulnerable to say: “Hey, I really liked hanging out with you. Want to do this every week?”
What if they think you’re being too intense? What if they’re not ready for that level of commitment?
So you end up in this weird dance where nobody wants to be the first to suggest consistency.
And the friendship fizzles before it even starts.
Here’s what virtual communities like Minded Society do:
They solve BOTH of these problems.
Problem #1 solved: Everyone there is LOOKING for friends. That’s why they joined. No guessing. No wondering if you’re bothering someone.
Everyone showed up with the same intention: to connect.
Problem #2 solved: The community creates built-in consistency. Monthly events. Daily check-ins. Prompts and conversations.
You don’t have to be the one creating all the structure. It’s already there.
As Claudia put it: “We do the hand-holding for you. You just have to show up and be willing to participate.”
Let’s Talk About Phone Calls (Because We Need To)
Okay, quick tangent. But it’s important.
When was the last time you just CALLED a friend?
Not texted first to ask if they’re free. Not scheduled it days in advance.
Just… called.
I asked Claudia and Marcela this, and Marcela’s answer was perfect:
“I would call. And if my friend didn’t answer, I would send a text: ‘What do you think you’re doing not answering my call? This is an emergency! Please pick up!’”
She calls FIRST. Then texts.
For most of us? It’s the opposite.
We’ll send four text messages. Text their spouse. Do literally ANYTHING before we just pick up the phone.
And I’m guilty of this too! I LOVE when people call me spontaneously. I always answer.
But I’m so scared to do it to other people.
Because somewhere along the way, we decided that calling someone without warning is… rude? Intrusive? Too much?
But here’s what Marcela said that really hit me:
“I think we have lost that capacity of communication because we’ve been hiding behind the text for so many years. You receive a text, and if you don’t want the other person to know you read it, you have ways to hide that. You’re hiding behind everything. You’ve become so in your own bubble. It’s time to wake up, people. We need connection.”
WAKE UP, PEOPLE.
Bring back the random phone call.
And look. I get it. There are people you can randomly call and people you can’t.
I have a small list of people I feel comfortable calling at short notice. And I’m working on expanding that list.
But here’s what I’m realizing: I think I made up most of those rules.
I don’t think most of my friends have actually told me they don’t want random calls. I just ASSUMED they’re too busy or don’t want to be bothered.
But what if I’m wrong?
As Claudia said: “There’s a small group of people who are very loud online about how they don’t want to be bothered. And we see that, and we think our friends probably don’t want us to call them either. But that voice doesn’t represent all of us.”
So maybe it’s time to just… call.
If they don’t answer? They’re busy. No big deal.
But they might answer. And you might have a great 10-minute conversation that makes both your days better.
What Makes Online Friendships Work (Spoiler: The Same Thing That Makes ALL Friendships Work)
Okay, back to online friendships.
Here’s the truth: Online friendships require the same thing offline friendships do.
EFFORT.
Marcela said something that really stuck with me:
“What is a good friend? A friend is a person you can count on every moment. If something happened to you, you know that person is there for you. If you don’t have the freedom to call that person because maybe she’s busy, maybe she’s tired, maybe she’s whatever. That’s not your friend. That’s not friendship.”
Real friendship goes all the way. Or it doesn’t go at all.
And that’s true whether you met online or in person.
The friends who stay in your life are the people you can call when crying. Or laughing. In the moment. Right when it happens.
That’s friendship.
Now, quick caveat before someone comes at me: I’m not saying your friends can NEVER have boundaries.
But if someone is constantly setting boundaries of “don’t call me, don’t need me, I can’t be there for you,” you have to start questioning if that’s really friendship.
And here’s another thing Marcela said that I think is GOLD:
“If you make a plan with a friend and you’re crossing your fingers for that event to get canceled, you need to ask yourself if that is the friend you want to put your effort in. We don’t have time for everybody. Be conscious about your friends.”
If you’re hoping plans get canceled? That person might not be your person.
And that’s okay. They’re not a bad person. But maybe redirect your energy toward people who ENERGIZE you instead of draining you.
Claudia and Marcela share so much about how virtual community actually works. Hear their full story in the full episode.
Inside Minded Society: How It Actually Works
Okay, so let’s get practical. How does a virtual community actually help you make friends?
Here’s what Claudia and Marcela have built:
Monthly Events (3 different Zooms every month):
- Special guest events: They bring in experts (mediums, celebrity stylists, etc.) to teach or do fun activities
- Book club: Members pick a book each month, read it, discuss it together
- Arts & crafts / self-care night: Just checking in, being together, doing something creative
Daily connection on their platform:
Marcela posts morning prompts every day. Members share what’s going on in their lives. People show up for each other.
As Claudia described it:
“If you’re going through a hard time, they’ll message you. The girls are there. They’ll support you. If you’re celebrating a win, we all throw a party for you. You’re not alone.”
Bestie pairings:
Every month, members get paired with someone to get to know better. One-on-one connection within the larger group.
In-person meetups:
As the community grows, small chapters in different cities meet up for brunches, girls’ nights, etc.
The result?
Claudia told me about their first retreat last October. When everyone arrived at the house:
“It was like ‘Oh my God, we’ve known each other for so long.’ The girls were just hugging each other. It was so beautiful. That’s the level of friendship we’re creating here. Lifelong friends.”
They met online. And when they met in person, it felt like they’d known each other forever.
But Does It Work for Everyone? (Spoiler: Only If You Show Up)
Here’s the hard truth:
Not everyone gets the same experience from virtual communities.
And Marcela was refreshingly honest about this:
“We have had people register in the community, never participate, never say hi. Not even when we welcome them. We already know from the beginning that person is going to get out of the community sooner or later.”
The people who get the MOST out of it? The ones who show up consistently.
Not necessarily to every event. Not necessarily answering every message.
But consistently showing up. Being willing to be vulnerable. Willing to share where they’re at. Willing to support others.
As Claudia put it:
“The ones who are consistently showing up and willing to be vulnerable with others. Those are the ones who make really, really deep connections.”
Think about it like this:
Joining a virtual community is like walking into a party.
Some people will naturally warm up slowly. Some will dive right in.
And some people will walk in, go straight to the bathroom, avoid eye contact, maybe say hi to the host, and then leave.
The community can’t force you to connect. You have to be willing to try.
The Party Analogy (Because It’s Perfect)
Let me expand on this party analogy because I think it’s SO helpful.
When you join a virtual community, you’re essentially walking into a party.
Everyone’s in this “room”: the events, the chat, the platforms.
And just like at a real party:
- ▪️ Some people will naturally gravitate toward certain others
- ▪️ Some will take a while to warm up
- ▪️ Some will jump right into conversations
- ▪️ Some will hover near the edges, observing
- ▪️ Some will leave early without really engaging
The more you show up, the more comfortable you get. The more people you recognize. The more inside jokes you understand.
And eventually? You find YOUR people within the larger group.
That’s what the bestie pairings are for. That’s what the smaller city chapters are for.
The big group gives you OPTIONS. But you build deep connections one-on-one.
The Skill Nobody Taught Us
Here’s something Marcela said that I think is BRILLIANT:
She was reading an article about why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult. And someone in the article asked:
“Do you think it makes a difference if your parents were very social? If they invited friends to their houses? Does that affect your ability to be a good friend?”
YES. A thousand times, yes.
Friendship is a SKILL. And like any skill, some people were taught it and some weren’t.
If you grew up watching your parents:
- ▪️ Host people regularly
- ▪️ Make phone calls to friends
- ▪️ Show up for their community
- ▪️ Navigate conflict and repair
- ▪️ Maintain long-term friendships
You learned those skills through observation.
But if you didn’t? You’re learning them now. As an adult. Which feels awkward and uncomfortable.
And that’s OKAY.
You can learn friendship skills at any point in life.
It’s like learning guitar. If I tried to pick one up right now, I’d look ridiculous. I’d feel awkward. I wouldn’t know what I’m doing.
But I could learn. With practice and time.
Same with friendship.
There’s even more on what makes online friendships thrive. Listen to the complete episode for the full conversation.
Introverts, Extroverts, and Labels That Don’t Matter
One more thing before we wrap up.
Claudia said something really important about labels:
“A lot of people label themselves as introverted or extroverted. But a lot of the women in our club are introverts. They’re getting SO much out of this because they have a space where they feel comfortable.”
Here’s the thing: You might be introverted around people you don’t feel comfortable with.
But once you find YOUR people? Your inner flair comes out.
So stop using “I’m an introvert” as a reason not to try.
Find the right people. Find a space where you feel safe. And watch yourself bloom.
How to Know If Virtual Community Is Right for You
Okay, so practical question: How do you know if a virtual community is the right move?
Claudia’s answer was perfect:
“If you love a group chat, if you want something at the palm of your hand where you can connect with people in a personalized way, then virtual is for you.”
“If you want a constant in your life, digital is the only way to go. We don’t have the bandwidth to go out with a friend every single day. But if you want to feel close to people and have that sense of community on a daily basis, virtual is the way.”
That’s it. That’s the answer.
It’s not about online being “better” or “worse” than in-person.
It’s about what you need right now.
If you want:
- ▪️ Daily touchpoints
- ▪️ Flexibility (connect from anywhere)
- ▪️ Consistency without having to create it yourself
- ▪️ Access to people outside your immediate geographic area
Virtual community might be perfect for you.
Your Turn: What’s Your Next Step?
So here’s what I want you to do:
Step 1: Stop waiting for friendship to “just happen”
It won’t. Not anymore. Not in the world we live in.
You have to be intentional.
Step 2: Consider joining a virtual community
Maybe it’s Minded Society (they’re offering Friendship IRL listeners 50% off your first month plus a 14-day free trial. Code FRIENDSHIPIRL at mindedsociety.com/memberships).
Maybe it’s a different community around a hobby or interest.
Just try something.
Step 3: Show up consistently
Don’t just join and lurk. Participate.
Answer prompts. Show up to events. Send messages. Be vulnerable.
The people who get the most out of these communities are the ones who put in effort.
Step 4: Bring back the random phone call
Seriously. Pick one friend this week and just CALL THEM.
No text first. No scheduling. Just call.
If they don’t answer? No big deal.
But they might. And it might be exactly what both of you needed.
Step 5: Give yourself permission to learn
If friendship feels hard right now, it’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because it’s a skill. And you’re learning.
Be patient with yourself. Keep trying. Keep showing up.
You’ll get there.
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
Technology isn’t the barrier to friendship. It’s a TOOL.
And when used intentionally, it can help you:
- ▪️ Find people who actually WANT friends
- ▪️ Build consistency without awkwardness
- ▪️ Connect across distance
- ▪️ Find YOUR people (even if they’re not in your city)
Virtual communities solve real problems:
They remove the guessing game of “does this person want friends?”
They create built-in consistency so you’re not constantly initiating.
They give you OPTIONS: lots of people to connect with until you find YOUR people.
But they only work if you show up.
So show up. Be vulnerable. Put in effort.
And watch what happens.
Ready to try virtual community? Minded Society is offering Friendship IRL listeners 50% off your first month PLUS a 14-day free trial. Use code FRIENDSHIPIRL at mindedsociety.com/memberships. That’s basically 6 weeks to dive in and see if it’s for you.
Want more on maintaining long-distance friendships? Check out Episode 127 (calling your friends!), Episode 24 with Brenda (how Marco Polo created her friend group), and last week’s Episode 129 (are online friends real friends?).
Ready to explore making friends online? Tune into the full episode for all the stories and advice shared above.
