Picture this:
You just left a hangout. A party. A conversation. Even a text thread.
And you feel… off.
You sit with it for a minute. And then it hits you:
They never asked about you.
You never really talked about your life. You felt ignored.
The whole thing was about THEM the entire time.
It leaves this icky feeling. This sense that you didn’t really exist in that interaction.
And look. I get it. The whole POINT of a relationship is that both people exist.
So if you leave feeling like you didn’t? That doesn’t feel good.
I’ve felt this way many times in my life. I’m sure it won’t be the last.
And recently, I’ve had a NUMBER of friends confide in me about times when they felt this way.
Whether it was in an interaction with me, or a group, or another group.
“I just left feeling like we never talked about my life.”
And here’s what’s interesting: It’s often easier to see someone else’s patterns than to see our own.
So when friends have mentioned this to me, especially if I was THERE at the gathering they’re talking about?
The same thought pops up:
“But when we ASKED you, you kind of deflected the question.”
When someone asked how your week was, you just said, “Oh, it was good.”
And then you moved on.
I’ve reflected on this many times now. My own experiences. Friends’ experiences. Messages from so many of you.
This is such a universal problem.
And I think it’s only natural to play the blame game. To say:
- ▪️ “My friends never ask about me.”
- ▪️ “They ask and then just move on.”
- ▪️ “They never really give me time to open up.”
But here’s the honest truth I keep coming back to:
Yes, your friends need to care enough to ask.
But are they really supposed to work THAT HARD every time?
Because expecting them to push past your deflections constantly? That’s not fair either.
You and I are each responsible for our HALF of the connection.
And if we’re constantly pushing away questions, giving generic one-word answers, or shrinking instead of taking up space?
We’re partially to blame.
Because we’re not taking responsibility for our half.
What This Episode IS (And What It’s NOT)
Before we go any further, I need to be crystal clear:
This episode is NOT about friends who never ask.
This is NOT about friends who ask “how are you?” and then immediately start talking over you about THEIR week.
This is NOT about friends who never, ever, ever consider you.
That’s a different episode. Do not apply what I’m about to say to that situation.
What this IS about:
Friends who ARE asking, but aren’t pushing you super hard.
And because they’re just asking a simple question and you’re saying “Yeah, I’m good,” they move on.
And you’re losing out on your half of the connection.
That’s what we’re talking about today.
The Details Matter (Even the Silly Ones)
Okay, so here’s the first thing:
If someone asks “How are you doing?” and your answer is “Good” or “Yeah, my week was fine”?
That doesn’t leave a lot for your friends to work off of.
They’re like: “Okay, well, I’m happy you had a good week.”
And then you probably say: “How was YOUR week?”
You’ve moved on. You’ve deflected. You haven’t given them anything to latch onto.
So here’s what I want you to think about:
Sharing the small details: the insignificant details, the DUMB details. They matter.
Example: Instead of “Good”
Instead of “How was your week?” → “Good.”
Try this:
“You know, my week was good. I had three appointments at the same place this week. I feel so silly going there that often. And I was 10 minutes late to the first one, and they have a five-minute late policy so I couldn’t even go to the appointment. Overall, it was good, but I felt really silly that five minutes cost me the whole thing.”
Do you see how that opens SO MUCH more space for conversation than “my week was fine”?
What to Share
You could share:
- ▪️ The silly details (you’ve seen the same bird out your window every day)
- ▪️ The dumb stuff (you spilled your coffee)
- ▪️ The small things (you broke your favorite necklace)
- ▪️ The little wins (you finally got the maple bar at the work meeting!)
It doesn’t have to be your deepest, darkest secret.
It doesn’t have to be the thing that impacted you most this week.
Just share SOMETHING.
The Maple Bar Example
When someone asks how your work week was:
Instead of: “Um, well, work was fine.”
Try:
“You know, there are donuts at the team meeting on Thursday. I’m always too late to get the maple bar. But I was there early enough this week!”
That’s such a little win. So insignificant.
But what that just did:
Your friend now knows:
- ▪️ You love maple bars
- ▪️ They bring you joy
- ▪️ You were early to the meeting this week
They can ask SO many questions:
- ▪️ What happened at the meeting?
- ▪️ What donut do you normally pick if the maple bar isn’t there?
- ▪️ Did you speak at the meeting?
- ▪️ Did your presentation go well?
So many jumping-off points.
All from sharing one tiny detail.
There’s so much more on how sharing the small details transforms your friendships. Hear it all in the full episode.
Addressing the Pushback (I Know You Have It)
Okay, I can already hear the objections. Let me address them:
Pushback #1: “But I’m naturally private.”
My question: Are you private? Or do you just not want to let people know you?
Because it’s okay to be private. I’m not telling you to share your deepest, darkest secrets.
You could just say:
“I’ve been thinking about picking up embroidery. Do you think I’d be good at it?”
You’re not even saying you’ve TRIED it. You’re not saying you’re good or bad.
Just share SOMETHING.
Pick something that doesn’t feel like you’re exposing yourself too much.
Go from there.
Because you’re giving your friend an opportunity to prove:
- ▪️ They want to learn more about you
- ▪️ They care about what you’re interested in
Maybe it turns into a silly conversation. A belly laugh.
You never would have had that if you just said “I’m good.”
Pushback #2: “I don’t want to dominate the conversation.”
I get it. We’re all monitoring how much time we take up. Especially women.
There are studies about this. Women are constantly monitoring. We don’t want to take up too much space.
But here’s what I want to remind you:
Sometimes it’s OKAY to dominate the conversation a little bit.
Especially if you don’t normally share.
It doesn’t need to be:
- ▪️ You share your day → They share their day
- ▪️ You share about your health problem → They share about theirs
It doesn’t need to be the exact same question back and forth.
You can talk about YOU for a little bit. And then weave it back to them.
You don’t need to monitor it so closely.
Pushback #3: “Everyone else has something in common that I don’t.”
I have a glaring example of this.
A little over a year ago, I was part of a conversation where every person was a parent except one other friend and me.
All the other parents were DEEP in talking about their kids.
Birth stories. Preschool waitlists. All of it.
We were partaking. Asking questions. Engaging.
But I think when the MAJORITY of people have something in common, it’s easy for the others to get left in the dust.
Because everyone else can easily weave the conversation around that topic.
So here’s what I want to remind you:
Sometimes you just have to SPEAK UP.
Sometimes you have to decide there’s ONE thing you really want to share today.
And you say:
“Hey, we’ve been talking about everybody’s kids. And I love your kids, I do. I’m happy to talk about them more. But I’ve been DYING to tell you all about [thing] all week.”
Sometimes we just have to take ownership of that.
Initiate in Your Own Life (Stop Waiting for Magic)
Okay, this next part is about taking responsibility for your half of the connection in a different way:
Initiating in your own life.
I think we all love to be invited. We love to be thought of. We love to be included.
You may not want to GO. But you want to be INVITED.
And yes, please BE the initiator. Please plan things. Please invite people.
But there’s also something to be said about just initiating in your OWN life.
Separate from your friendships.
Are you out here doing things YOU want to do so you can bring that back to your connections?
That’s part of owning your half, too.
The Waiting Trap
Think about this:
We’ve all been part of a relationship where the entire conversation centers around one person’s life because the other person… doesn’t really have anything to share.
They’re just home all the time. They’re kind of down.
Don’t you get frustrated when you CAN’T ask them about their life because they don’t have anything going on?
Because they’re not initiating in their own life?
It’s easier to see in other people than in ourselves.
But if you’re not initiating in your own life, you’re caught in what I call the waiting trap.
You’re waiting for someone to invite YOU. To create all the magic FOR you.
Stop it.
Pick something. Anything.
You don’t even need to leave the house. Pick a new hobby you can do at home. Get really into it.
That’s a thing to share when people ask, “What have you been up to?”
Instead of “I don’t know, I can’t even think of what I’ve been doing.”
“They Have Their Life. They Can’t Have Yours Too.”
Someone told me last week about another person who had expectations of me.
They said: “They have their life. They can’t have yours, too.”
But I think that goes the flip side too:
I have one life. I can’t have yours, either.
You can’t do that for me.
And if I’m loving MY life (even if it’s simple things), it makes it so much more fun to invite people along.
Rather than always waiting for everyone else to create the magic for you.
“But All My Friends Have Interests I Don’t Share”
I’ve really had to sit with this in the last couple of years.
Michael and some friends are REALLY into golf. They go all the time.
I bought a cheap set of clubs on Facebook Marketplace. I’ve gone a few times. I don’t mind the driving range or a little par three course.
But I’m nowhere near as obsessed as they are.
So sometimes we hang out, and the ENTIRE conversation revolves around golf.
And I just kind of sit there. And after a while, that gets frustrating.
But I really had to sit with that: This is me needing to own my half of the connection.
So here’s what I’d say:
1. Yes, you can take an interest in your friends’ interests.
2. But if you want them to take interest in YOUR things, you need to talk more about those things.
Example: I love stand-up paddleboarding. I brought that up recently with these friends.
And lo and behold, someone was like: “Wait, I actually love paddleboarding! But I haven’t done it in years.”
But because I never talked much about it, it didn’t trigger that thought.
Speak up about what YOU want.
The Rewiring Piece
I’ve talked about emotional intimacy roots before (Episode 12, just replayed!).
These are the details we know about each other.
I’ve talked a lot about when details CHANGE. Like, I used to love chocolate cake, and now I don’t. Friends have to rewire.
But it works the other way, too.
If you’ve always told them you don’t like golf, and now suddenly you’re willing to try it?
It’s going to take time for them to rewrite that detail.
So you can’t just slyly say ONE TIME: “Oh yeah, I think I’d go golfing with you.”
You need to tell them MULTIPLE TIMES.
“Hey, when you go golfing, I want to go. I want to try it. If that course is too hard, can we go to the driving range? I really want to give this a shot.”
You have to take ownership.
(By “you” I mean me. Both of us. We both have to take ownership.)
The stories we tell ourselves about sharing can hold us back. Listen to the complete episode for how to bust through those barriers.
Busting the Stories You’re Telling Yourself
Okay, if you’re STILL feeling like “I don’t know, Alex…”
Let me bust some stories wide open.
Story #1: “Sharing is TMI”
How many times have you said “This might be TMI” or heard someone else say it?
And then the detail is like: “I sleep with mouth tape on.”
(I do, by the way.)
That’s not TMI. That’s just a fact about me.
We’ve convinced ourselves (society has convinced us) that sharing our lives is TOO MUCH.
So much of this is the social media therapy narrative:
- ▪️ We don’t want to take up too much space
- ▪️ Our friends don’t have time
- ▪️ They don’t have capacity
- ▪️ We don’t want to bother or burden them
But here’s the reality:
There’s an entire INDUSTRY of people on the internet (random strangers) who make a LIVING because people are curious about people.
People want to know:
- ▪️ What the inside of their houses looks like
- ▪️ What they ate for breakfast
- ▪️ What kind of underwear do they wear
And you’re telling me your FRIENDS don’t want to know you?
Stop it. Stop it right now. I’m done. I don’t want to hear any more of it.
Story #2: “I’ve talked about myself too much.”
The time-monitoring trap.
You feel like you’ve talked about yourself too much, so you change the subject.
Here’s what I want to remind you:
Sometimes it’s OKAY if a hangout or conversation is more about one person.
We’re not time-tracking. I’m not clicking a stopwatch.
Especially if you’re someone who doesn’t normally open up.
If a friend who really hasn’t opened up (who’s always said “Oh yeah, I’m fine”) starts to fill in with some color?
And then they want to change the subject away?
I’m like: “No no no no. Please keep going. I’ve been WAITING for this day. Tell me more.”
Can’t you think of a time when YOU’VE experienced that?
When you’re so excited that your friend is letting you in or sharing something?
You want to keep digging into it.
You deserve that too.
Story #3: Your Friends Don’t Want to Know You
Reality check:
Think about how much YOU want to know about your friends.
Don’t you LOVE when they share a detail with you?
Especially something you feel like they’re not sharing with others?
Or something so insignificant that now you see them in a whole new light?
We all love that feeling.
Your friends love it too.
Your Challenge
Okay, here’s what I want you to do:
Next time you’re in a hangout or conversation, watch yourself.
Be sure you don’t give one-word answers or deflect the question.
Give a little color. Say something silly. Throw something out there you’ve never shared before.
It could be:
- ▪️ “I thought about ordering X on the menu, but I ordered Y. Maybe that one would have been good.”
It literally could be THAT.
If You Deflect Anyway
Because it’s hard to change a pattern, right?
If you deflect and then 15, 20, 30 minutes, an hour later, you realize you deflected?
This is a GREAT moment to take up a little space:
“Hey, I know when we talked about my week earlier, I said it was fine. But now that I’m thinking about it, I had this one meeting that really rattled me…”
Remember: Your friends WANT to know you.
Trust them. Trust that they want to know you.
And take up a little space.
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
You feel neglected in conversations because it seems like your friends never ask about you.
But what if they ARE asking, and you’re deflecting every single time?
What if you’re not taking responsibility for your half of the connection?
Your friends need to care enough to ask. Yes.
But YOU need to care enough to actually LET THEM IN.
Share the details. Share the silly stuff. Share the TMI (it’s not really TMI).
Initiate in your own life so you have things to share.
Take up space. It’s okay if one conversation is more about you.
Stop waiting for everyone else to create magic for you.
Own your half.
And watch what happens.
Ready to stop deflecting and start showing up fully in your friendships? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
