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I was going to open this episode by saying: Today’s episode is a little different.
But as I was about to say that, I started thinking: Is it different?
Because the reason I thought it was different is: I’m going to be really direct today.
I’m going to tell you something about me. And I know I don’t always tell you something this directly.
But I’m a pretty direct person.
I think that what I’m about to tell you today, in some way, shape, or form, has to have come out in this podcast.
But you know what? If it hasn’t, we’re going to put it here.
We’re going to give it its own episode. For anyone who wants to come and listen. For me to send people to. To make things just very clear.
Who This Is For
Because here’s the thing:
If you’ve been here for any length of time (since the beginning) if you’ve been hanging out with me, listening to me talk about friendship and community for 120 episodes (that is absolutely mind-blowing)…
Or if you’re on a little bit of a binge right now and this is your eighth episode. Love that you’re here. Thanks for listening.
(You’ll understand why I’m saying thank you here in a minute.)
And maybe this is your first episode. Maybe you’re finding me and this is your in.
And I’m happy you’re here.
Because the episode I’m going to record today is just me really laying out my beliefs.
My political beliefs. My beliefs around why I do this work.
I want something that is out there that is kind of my fork in the road for people.
To understand where I’m coming from.
But Even If You Disagree…
But even if you disagree with some of my beliefs (or maybe all of my beliefs) maybe stick around.
Because what I’m going to talk about is how I actually think we’re creating change in the world.
How I’m trying to create change in the world, at least.
And everyone has their roles. Everyone has the things they can do.
But maybe my approach speaks to you. Or at least feels a little open to you.
Not Take It or Leave It
So like I said, maybe not “take it or leave it.” Because today I’m going to list off a bunch of beliefs.
But I am going to take the heated political emotion out of it a little bit.
And I’m going to talk about how, as humans, we are actually connecting and engaging and building change together.
And why that is so important. Especially right now.
The World Right Now
Like: I don’t know if you’ve been out in the world recently.
But walking outside our doors (or honestly, for a lot of people, inside your doors) doesn’t feel safe.
Open your phone.
We are in a political climate that feels charged. That feels dire.
People are panicked. Rightfully so.
Every new day is a shift in somebody’s rights. Somebody’s safety being lost. Families being separated.
My Core Belief
So at the core of every belief I have: I wake up every day fighting for us to all care about each other.
Because I believe that if we care about each other, we will start acting in ways that show it.
Not just saying it. But actually doing it.
And then when we do that on really small scales, it adds up.
Okay? I’ll get more into all that.
My Beliefs (Listed Clearly)
I’m just going to list some of these off.
Like I said, I want to be really clear. I’ve listed this on social media before. I don’t know, maybe I should put it on my website.
So here we go. Ready?
Gender-affirming care is a human right.
Climate change is real.
People should be able to marry whoever they like and be protected legally in the same way that my husband and I are.
There should be a separation of church and state, and all religions should be protected.
We needed gun reform yesterday. Like, that is actually one I will die on that hill.
Universal healthcare is a human right.
And you know what else is a human right? Housing. Access to safe and healthy food.
I believe we need more human services programs. Because currently, our libraries are burnt out.
And while we’re at it, take some of the load off the libraries, and then let’s give them more funding.
Also, by the way, book bans are among the lowest forms. I just… I can’t. I don’t even understand.
Book bans are bottom of the barrel for me.
Reparations are due.
Families deserve to stay together.
And people should not be arrested for protesting. Protesting and gathering are fundamental to a democracy.
You Get the Picture
Now, I could go on and on.
But I’m hoping that by listing this out, you get a pretty strong sense of where I lie.
My Journey: Always Political
I want to take you back on my journey just a little bit here.
I’ve always been a pretty political person.
I love a debate.
And in fact, I have this vivid memory: I might have talked about this in the podcast before. But a neighbor, an adult neighbor, when I was a kid…
One time, I was trying to argue politics. Because like I said, I’ve always loved politics.
I don’t know, I was probably like 12 at this point.
And I will never forget this neighbor looking at my dad and being like: “You’re going to let her argue with an adult?”
You know? He was just trying to shut me down because he was losing.
And my dad looked at this neighbor and was like: “Well, you’re just mad because she’s better at debating than you are.”
Still Learning
I have always been up for the debate.
And like many white women out there, I don’t think I knew how to lean in.
I still don’t. I’m still learning.
To be very clear: I am still learning.
The “Online Warrior” Phase (2020-2021)
But if I look back on another really pivotal time in me trying to figure it out, it would have to be 2020-2021.
When the internet was our third place.
There weren’t even options for other third places. We were all stuck at home at that time.
And I just remember feeling so politically charged.
I disagreed with so many things that were happening out in the world.
(Not the staying-at-home part. We definitely should have been at home.)
But I put all of my political energy into becoming kind of an “online warrior.”
I wanted to repost it all. I wanted to make it so clear where I stood and what I believed in.
The Realization
I’ve talked about this on my social media a little bit.
It’s why I don’t just repost all the time.
Because I feel like I fell into this trap where I would just repost and repost and repost and repost and repost.
And that has its own. That’s its own conversation.
But what I realized is: I could repost a million things, but I wasn’t reading the books.
I wasn’t actually doing the actions.
And as much as I could tell myself that I was a person who was spreading the news…
I had to have a real reality check and realize: This is not my highest use.
The Room Metaphor (How I Actually Show Up)
Often, I like to think of my social media and the internet (honestly, this podcast), all these digital forms of connection and activism.
But especially social media.
If I post something on my stories, it’s as if I’m standing in a big room of people.
There are 1,000 people in a room.
And if I just am rapid-fire reposting over and over and over and over again…
To me (not saying this is right or wrong; I’m just telling you how I feel). To me, I feel like that is me standing up there with a megaphone trying to yell at people.
But Here’s the Thing
But here’s the thing: There are a lot of people with megaphones.
And so then I have to ask myself: If I am actually not on the internet (if I am in a room with 1,000 people), what am I doing?
And the answer was: What I’m probably doing is I’m probably in the crowd.
And my natural inclination is to lean over to the people around me (whether I know them or not) and start having little side conversations.
The Side Conversations
Like: If somebody is up there with a megaphone screaming about how we need to take action…
What I’m probably doing is looking at the 10 people around me and saying:
“Okay, well, what action are we doing? Do you want to meet up next week and do that? How can you make that work? Have you heard of any causes?”
The Translation
And so when I had that realization, I had to have this moment of:
Okay. One: It is so easy to fall into this trap of just reposting all the time.
But two: That’s not even really naturally what I’d be doing.
So how do I take what I would actually do if I were in a room and translate that to the internet?
And that’s what I started doing.
That’s how I ended up here, honestly.
So much of this podcast is about helping people in their everyday lives. That is a piece of this.
But the piece I don’t talk about quite as much is: This whole podcast is my way of leaning into people and trying to get them to care about each other.
The Hannah Arendt Quote (Why This Matters)
Now I want to read you something from a book.
The book is Democracy in Retrograde by Sami Sage and Emily Amick.
(Emily and Sami: if you somehow get sent this podcast episode, I would love to have you on the podcast. I will officially pitch you at some point. But if you hear this, let’s talk.)
But I want to read you something from their section on friendship:
They continue on page 133 in the book Democracy in Retrograde. Sage and Amick write:
“Today’s loneliness is why we need connectors. People who are pros at truly seeing those around them and making them feel like they are being seen. Like they matter. Like they are accounted for.”
And that is what I’m trying to do here on the podcast.
That’s what I’m trying to get people to do.
Your Role Might Be Different
Now, if you go and read Democracy in Retrograde (which you should do, by the way. They have no idea I’m telling you to do this)…
Go read the book. It is absolutely necessary reading.
But your role might be one of the other roles.
I do think that in some small way, we can all be connectors just by living our life.
That’s the beauty of it.
It doesn’t need to be this mass political activism. Change everything about how you go about your life.
Just by living your life, you could be making change.
These beliefs are just the starting point for this conversation. Listen to the full episode to hear how I’ve put them into practice and what I’ve learned along the way.
What I’m Doing Instead (The Transparency)
So now, in the spirit of transparency (in the spirit of understanding who you’re listening to) I’m going to share some of what I am doing instead.
And by “instead” I mean: Instead of showing off. Instead of being some online warrior.
These are the ways I have been trying to show up in my real life.
Now, some of them I feel pretty good about.
There are others where I definitely could work harder.
I’m not saying I have this all figured out.
And I’m also not saying this is how you should show up.
Everybody needs to do their own mix.
I am purely just sharing this for transparency’s sake.
Because I think people want to know who they’re taking advice from. And that’s fair.
Category 1: Focusing on Action
First thing I’m doing is focusing on action.
I’ve been doing this for a few years now.
Daily Conversations
Part of that is on this really micro level: Continuing to be my 12-year-old self and have conversations with people.
All sorts of people.
And they don’t have to be these big, explosive political conversations.
They can just be. Honestly, sometimes I think the little nuggets are the best.
The Egg Aisle Example
You know, I saw this TikTok the other day of this woman (this was not something I did, but it’s just coming to mind).
She was in the egg aisle. As we know, eggs are a very charged topic right now.
And somebody was standing there being like: “Why are there no eggs?”
This woman walked up and she was like: “Oh, well, because of the bird flu.”
And they were like: “The what?”
She’s like: “Yeah, the bird flu. You didn’t hear about it? Well, you know, currently the NIH isn’t allowed to release all this documentation. We need to be safe. We need to be protected from the eggs.”
And they’re like: “Why?”
She’s like: “Yeah, why? Why?”
Big or Small
So it could be some big conversation with a family member.
It could also just be these little moments.
And actually, I think the little moments (you’re going to find in this episode) are some of the most powerful.
Because they take us off the script. They remove people from the talking points.
And start to force people to have to think just a little bit.
Local Politics
So: Daily conversations.
I’ve also gotten way more knowledgeable and involved in local politics.
Reading up on issues. Making sure I definitely vote.
But also: I’m getting messages about campaigns that are starting for our mayor. Things like that.
Donations. Democracy vouchers.
(I don’t know if we have those everywhere. But in Seattle, democracy vouchers are these things: You get mailed little certificates. You can put in candidates’ names and it helps fund their campaign.)
So especially for newer candidates, paying a lot more attention to that.
I used to just leave those on my desk and say I was going to use them and then never use them.
But I don’t do that anymore. Small changes.
This Podcast
Creating this podcast, as you’re seeing now.
I get on here every week and I talk about things that I think are leading to connection.
And trying to stop this isolation that’s leaving people feeling like their only place to turn is somewhere really extreme.
Category 2: Rejecting All-or-Nothing Thinking
The second thing I have done is really rejected all-or-nothing thinking.
I think I firmly, firmly believe this (this is another hill I will die on) that there is so much danger in the silos. In the polarization that we are in.
And that we need to be having conversations with people that don’t have the same beliefs as us.
And those can be political conversations.
But they also can just be conversations to remind each other of our humanity.
To keep us caring about each other.
It can also be having conversations with people that are acquaintances.
Caring about community or simple connections.
The more we care about those people, the more likely we are to consider them.
Not Cutting People Off
Now I’m not saying that every single person needs to follow what I’m doing. By any means.
I’m just here telling you what I’m doing.
And one of the things I am doing is not cutting people off.
Because I do think I have a unique skill set where I’m able to have conversations with people who have very, very different beliefs from me.
And I have so many examples of those.
A Specific Example
You know, I can think back a few years ago. We’re going to call him a friend of a friend of a friend.
And I ended up staying up late in the night when everyone else had gone to bed.
Chatting with someone with very, very different beliefs.
And the sentiment I always hear when I have these conversations is twofold.
Number one: “Wow. I’ve never had anyone with your political beliefs who’s willing to have a conversation with me.”
So no wonder people feel like they are left with only one option.
Finding Common Ground
But the second is: I work really hard to find some common ground.
And I know what you might be thinking: Isn’t this complicity?
I want to be very clear: I am absolutely not ever agreeing with any harmful beliefs.
And sometimes I think there’s power in just me saying: “I don’t agree with that. I don’t think that’s okay.”
I don’t need to get into the depths of it. Just stating it.
But finding some piece of common ground that keeps the conversation going.
The Result
So by the end of this conversation that I’m thinking of in particular, by the end of the night…
What we found is: We both believed we needed to be more active in local politics.
And I think finding some common ground (again) reminds us that we are similar in some ways deep down.
That we can care about each other. That we do have some overlap.
We’re not on these polar ends of the spectrum.
It removes us a little further away from that isolation.
Small shifts in how we think about community can create real change. Tune into the complete episode for the lawnmower example and other practical ways to rethink how we connect.
Category 3: Focusing on Small Shifts
The third and final thing I’m doing in my everyday life is really focusing on small shifts.
Now I’m going to give you an example of this. Because I mentioned this before.
I think that so often when we’re talking to people, we can be going through the same political talking points.
We are seeing those over and over and over again.
And what I have found is that sometimes actually coming in from the far outfield with something really forces people to actually have to think.
Rather than refer back to the talking points that come from the political party they follow.
The Lawnmower Example
So here’s an example.
One of my favorite things to talk about with people when it comes to community (and this relates to capitalism) is to talk about lawnmowers.
That’s right. Lawnmowers.
So often I’ll talk to someone. And this could be a conversation about care work. This could be a conversation about corporate overreach into our government.
This could be a variety of things: how we get here.
But when I’m talking about coming out of left field, I might literally come in and be like:
“Have you ever thought about how every single person on your street owns a lawnmower?”
“Isn’t that kind of wild?”
Breaking It Down
Like, you think about it: Somebody uses a lawnmower for… what? Depends, I guess, how big their lawn is.
But most people, in the suburbs, use their lawnmower for maybe an hour every couple weeks.
Not even year-round necessarily, depending on where you live.
And yet, on a street with 20 houses, there’s probably 20 lawnmowers.
And isn’t that crazy that we feel like we need to own that many lawnmowers?
The Alternative
What if there was one (maybe two) lawnmowers for the street?
And everybody just shared the lawnmowers.
And whoever has the skill set to fix the lawnmower fixes it.
Instead of it being a stressor. Because I don’t know how to fix the lawnmower if mine breaks.
And what if, when that lawnmower (which is going to get used more) runs out, we just bought another one for the street?
We replaced one.
And by doing that, what if it meant that every single person on the street had to basically work one lawnmower or less hours?
And what would they have time for if they didn’t have to worry about fixing it and maintaining it?
Why This Works
And when you start to pull these far-out questions in, it really forces people to go off the normal talking point scripts.
Same with the eggs.
Now, this takes some work, let me tell you.
I have to learn about these concepts. I have to pay attention for these opportunities in my everyday life.
Again, I’m not saying this is something all of you need to be doing.
But I am telling you right now: This is one of my greatest focuses.
Finding the examples and the conversations that derail the general talking points.
By starting to get people to think just a little bit outside the box.
To feel a little bit more connected to their neighbors.
The Entire Premise
I mean, now that you’re hearing this, you’re probably understanding: This is the entire premise of this podcast.
To have these conversations and record them so that people start actually acting in ways that are communal.
Whether they realize it or not.
To just start chipping away at the hamster wheel we are all on that is not serving a lot of people.
Even if you think it’s serving you. (That’s a whole different podcast episode. But it’s the truth.)
The Wrap-Up: What Community Really Requires
So how do I wrap up this episode?
You know, the thing that really fascinates me about community is that it’s this word that we throw around.
It’s this word that is the solution for a lot of people to what is happening in the world.
It is what a lot of people say they want.
The Uncomfortable Truth
But real community requires something that most Americans are terrified of.
Which is: Compromise.
It requires us to give up some of our freedoms and our choices and our stuff and our vision of success…
For real security and support and belonging.
Why I Do This
And so that’s why I come on here every single day (well, not every day; every week).
(I do this work every day. But every week.)
And I question the choices that we are desperately hanging onto.
The things that are normal. The things that we believe are better because they’re more comfortable.
In an effort to get us to break these patterns. Even in the smallest ways.
And feel a little bit more connected. A little bit more cared for. A little bit more supported.
The Zoom-Out
And then on a zoom-out level, what I hope is: Then, when we move through the world, because we feel more connected, we act in ways that show we care.
Again: I am fighting for us to care about each other.
And not just to say that. But to do it.
The Ripple Effect
And doing it can be the smallest, littlest changes and shifts.
Like sharing a lawnmower with your neighbor.
It’s a step.
Is it going to completely change the state of the political climate we find ourselves in? Probably not immediately.
But can these things have a ripple effect?
I mean, I guess that’s a question of: Do you have hope?
I sure hope so. I sure hope so.
If this episode’s take on friendship, community, and showing up resonated with you, listen to the full episode here for the complete conversation and all the examples.
