There’s a message I keep getting in my DMs.
Different stories. Different reasons. Different life circumstances.
But at the core, it’s always the same message:
“I missed my chance.”
“It’s too late for me.”
“Everyone else already has their people.”
And every single time I read one of these messages, my heart breaks a little.
Because I can feel it, that sinking feeling of standing on the edge of the dock, alone, watching everyone else sail away on a boat you somehow missed.
You’re convinced you’re the only one left behind.
The only one without close friends. The only one struggling to connect. The only one who feels this impossibly lonely while everyone around you seems to have it all figured out.
But here’s what I need you to know:
You are NOT the only one feeling this way.
My DMs are FULL of people who think they’re standing on that dock alone. When really, there are dozens of others standing right there with them, all convinced they’re the only one.
And here’s the other thing I need you to know:
That boat? It’s not actually pulling away.
You just convinced yourself it is.
If You Need to Hear This: I’m Holding Space for You
Before we go any further, I want to pause.
If you’re reading this and feel like you’ve somehow missed your chance to have the friendships and community you desperately want, I’m giving you a hug through this screen right now.
I’m so sorry you feel so alone.
I see you. I hear you. And I’m holding space for whatever brought you to this place.
And I’m here to tell you something you might not believe yet:
It’s not too late.
I don’t care if you’re 45 and everyone your age “already has their friend groups.”
I don’t care if you’ve been the “quiet person” in your community for five years and you think it’s too late to suddenly start talking to people.
I don’t care if you’re newly widowed or divorced or sober or retired or dealing with crippling social anxiety.
It. Is. Not. Too. Late.
We only stop making new friends in the grave.
Let that sit with you for a minute.
The Messages I Get (And Why They Break My Heart)
Let me share some of the actual situations people have told me make them feel like it’s “too late”:
The Men Who Want to Go Deeper
I get SO many DMs from men who say something like this:
“I have friends. We’ve been friends for years, some of them since college. But we only ever talk about surface-level stuff. Work. Sports. Hobbies. I want to talk about real things, my anxieties, my struggles, the fact that I lost my job, and I’m terrified. But we’ve been doing it this way for so long. How do I suddenly change that? Won’t it be weird?”
Why it breaks my heart: These guys are SURROUNDED by people and still feel completely alone.
The Person Who’s Been Quiet Too Long
“I’ve been part of this community group for three years. I show up. I volunteer. But I’ve always kind of kept to myself. I don’t talk much. Everyone knows me as ‘the quiet one.’ Now I’m realizing I don’t want to be lonely in a room full of people anymore. But how do I suddenly become a different person? Everyone already has their impression of me.”
Why it breaks my heart: They want connection SO badly, but feel trapped by a pattern they created to protect themselves.
The Person Who’s “Too Old”
“I’m in my 50s. Everyone my age already has their friend groups from college, their kids’ activities, or whatever. I wasn’t one of those people. I focused on my career. And now I’m realizing I don’t really have anyone to call. But isn’t it too late? Don’t I look desperate trying to make friends at my age?”
Why it breaks my heart: They think there’s an expiration date on friendship. Like you hit 50 and the door just… closes.
The Newly Single Person
“I just got divorced. All our friends were couple friends, and I lost basically everyone in the split. I don’t even know how to make friends as a single person anymore. I’ve been coupled for 15 years. And honestly? I’m embarrassed that I’m starting over at 42.”
Why it breaks my heart: They’re already dealing with massive life upheaval, and now they’re facing it completely alone.
The Socially Anxious Person
“I work from home. Have for 10 years. I’ve basically forgotten how to talk to people. I go to my kid’s sports events and I just stand there against the wall feeling awkward. I feel like I have no social skills anymore. Everyone else seems so comfortable and I’m just… not.”
Why it breaks my heart: They want to connect, but the anxiety is so overwhelming that they’re paralyzed.
The Person Who Feels Too Different
“I stopped drinking three years ago. All my friends still go out to bars every weekend. I keep saying no because I’m not comfortable in that environment, but now they’ve kind of stopped inviting me. I feel like I’m too different. Like, I don’t fit anywhere anymore.”
Why it breaks my heart: They made a positive life change and now feel like they have to choose between their values and having friends.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Maybe it’s not the exact situation, but the FEELING?
That sinking sense that you somehow missed the boat and now you’re stuck watching everyone else have what you want?
You’re not alone in feeling this way.
Not even close.
Why We Convince Ourselves It’s Too Late
Here’s what I’ve noticed across all these messages:
We create these invisible deadlines for ourselves.
- ▪️ “If I don’t have close friends by 30, it’s too late.”
- ▪️ “If I’ve been acting one way for years, I can’t suddenly change.”
- ▪️ “If I’m going through a major life change, I should wait until things settle down.”
- ▪️ “If I have too much social anxiety, I’m just not meant for this.”
But here’s the truth:
These deadlines? We made them up.
Society might reinforce them. Movies and TV shows might make it look like everyone has their “people” figured out by a certain age.
But they’re not real.
And the sooner you realize that the only thing standing between you and the connections you want is the story you’re telling yourself about why it’s too late…
The sooner you can actually do something about it.
It’s Never Too Late to Change Your Pattern
Let’s start with the people who feel trapped by how they’ve “always been.”
The surface-level guys. The quiet person in the community group. The person who’s always worn a mask.
Here’s what I want you to know:
You can grow new roots at any time.
I talk about this in Episode 12 of the podcast, my Roots of Friendship framework. When you change your pattern with people, you’re essentially growing new emotional intimacy roots while letting some old ones die.
And yes, that feels uncomfortable.
When a tree grows a new root, it takes energy and effort. Why wouldn’t it take energy and effort for you to shift your pattern?
But here’s the thing: You’re not trapped.
If You’re the Guy Who Wants to Go Deeper
You don’t have to have some big, dramatic conversation where you announce: “Guys, I want our friendship to change!”
Start small:
Next time you’re with your friends, and someone asks, “How’s work?” instead of giving your usual surface-level answer, try adding one layer.
“Actually, it’s been stressful. I’m dealing with some stuff that’s been keeping me up at night.”
That’s it.
You’re not trauma-dumping. You’re not getting super vulnerable right away.
You’re just… cracking the door open a little bit.
And here’s what might surprise you:
Your friends might actually be RELIEVED.
Because I’d bet money at least one of them has been feeling the exact same way, wishing you could all talk about real stuff instead of just sports and work.
Someone just has to go first.
If You’re the Quiet Person
You don’t have to suddenly become the life of the party.
Start with this:
Next time you’re at that community event, instead of standing quietly in the corner, walk up to ONE person and ask them ONE question.
“Hey, how was your week?”
That’s your whole goal.
Not to suddenly become chatty. Not to have a 30-minute conversation.
Just one person. One question.
And when they answer? Ask one follow-up question based on what they said.
Then you can retreat back to your comfort zone if you need to.
But you did something different.
You cracked that pattern, even just a tiny bit.
And next time? It’ll be slightly less uncomfortable to do it again.
The Thing About Patterns
When you start to change your pattern, people might push back a little at first.
Not because they don’t want you to change, but because change feels unfamiliar.
If you’ve been the quiet person for three years and suddenly you’re asking questions and engaging, people might be a little surprised.
That’s okay.
It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you’re doing something DIFFERENT.
Give people time to adjust to the new version of you.
And honestly? Most people will welcome it.
Because chances are, some of them have been wishing they knew you better all along.
For the complete breakdown of how to actually grow new emotional intimacy roots and shift your friendship patterns, including specific scripts and strategies for different scenarios, listen to the full episode. I go deep into why changing patterns feels so uncomfortable and exactly how to navigate that discomfort without giving up.
It’s Never Too Late, Even When Time Feels Like the Problem
Okay, now let’s talk about the people who think they literally don’t have enough time.
The person who’s only in the city temporarily.
The person who’s about to have a baby and thinks there’s “no point” in making friends now.
The person who’s starting a massive project and won’t be a “good friend” for the next few years.
Here’s what I need you to understand:
Friendship is not binary.
It’s not “closest-deepest-oldest friends” or “no friends at all.”
You’re allowed to have:
- ▪️ Friends for a season
- ▪️ Friends around one specific interest
- ▪️ Friends you’re not super vulnerable with
- ▪️ Friends who get that you’re in an intense life phase right now
If You’re Only in Your City for One More Year
Make friends anyway.
You know what might happen?
You might stay connected after you move. You might visit each other. They might become one of your closest long-distance friends.
Or maybe they won’t.
Maybe they’ll just be a friend for that year, someone who made that city feel less lonely, someone you have good memories with.
And that’s okay too.
Not every friendship has to last forever to be valuable.
If You’re About to Have a Baby
Please, PLEASE don’t wait to make friends until after you have the baby.
Here’s why:
The friends you make NOW (before your life completely changes) might become your biggest support system once that baby arrives.
Maybe they’ll be the friend who brings you coffee when you’re drowning in newborn exhaustion.
Maybe they’ll be the friend who holds the baby so you can take a shower.
Or maybe they’ll also become a parent eventually, and then you’ll have that shared experience.
You don’t know what’s going to happen.
Stop limiting what’s possible before it even has a chance to develop.
If You’re Starting a Big Project
The person who DM’d me about making a documentary for the next few years said:
“I don’t know why I would make friends now when I know I won’t be a very good friend for a while. But I do think I’d love people to call for support along the way.”
Can I be really direct?
You just told me exactly WHY you should make friends now.
You WANT people to call for support.
So go find other people who are also making documentaries. Who work in film. Who GET how all-consuming this is.
When you connect over this shared intense experience, you won’t feel guilty about “not being a good friend” because they’re in it too.
They understand.
And honestly? Those might become some of your closest friendships BECAUSE you went through this intense thing together.
It’s Never Too Late, No Matter How Old You Are
I’m just going to say this loud for the people in the back:
WE ONLY STOP MAKING NEW FRIENDS IN THE GRAVE.
If two 85-year-olds became best friends at a nursing home, that story would go VIRAL.
We LOVE seeing people of all ages make friends.
So why are you holding yourself back?
“But Everyone My Age Already Has Their Friend Groups”
Do they though?
Or are you making an assumption based on what you see on the surface?
Because I can tell you right now: My DMs are FULL of people in their 40s, 50s, 60s who feel exactly like you do.
They’re all convinced everyone else has their people figured out.
Meanwhile, they’re standing on that dock feeling alone.
What if you’re both standing there, convinced you’re the only one, when you could just… turn around and see each other?
The Time Thing Is Real (But Not Insurmountable)
Okay, I’m not going to lie to you.
Studies show that once we hit our mid-30s, the time we spend with friends DROPS significantly.
A few hours a week. That’s it.
And I get it… You’re busy with kids, aging parents, and a career. You’re a sandwich caregiver. You barely have time to breathe, let alone make new friends.
But here’s the thing:
The only way to change that trend is to actually DO something different.
Even just an extra 30 minutes a week changes the trajectory.
How to Find Time When You Have No Time
Stop trying to carve out separate “friend time.”
Integrate your friends into your life:
- ▪️ Run errands together
- ▪️ Meal prep together
- ▪️ Feed your families together on Sunday nights and take turns cooking
- ▪️ Meet up at 6 am before work for a quick walk
- ▪️ Chat in the locker room after swim class
You don’t need uninterrupted dinner dates.
You need to fold friendship into the life you’re already living.
It’s Never Too Late After a Major Life Change
This one hits hard because I’ve been there.
Divorce. Becoming widowed. Having a baby. Getting sober. Retiring. Career pivot.
Any major life change can leave you feeling like you’re starting from scratch socially.
And here’s what I want to tell you:
You’re at your own version of social rock bottom.
Now, I don’t WANT anyone to be at rock bottom. But if you’re there?
It’s actually a powerful place to build from.
Why Rock Bottom Can Be a Gift
When you’re at rock bottom, you:
- ▪️ Take more risks
- ▪️ Get more creative
- ▪️ Care less about looking “desperate.”
- ▪️ Are more willing to try new things
You’ve already survived something incredibly hard.
Losing a spouse. Ending a marriage. Completely changing your identity.
You’ve proven you can do hard things.
Building community might feel hard, but you’ve already done harder.
If You Lost Friends in a Divorce
First: I’m so sorry.
Losing your community on top of losing your marriage is brutal.
But here’s what I’ve seen happen:
The friendships you lost? They probably weren’t as strong as you thought they were.
Real friends don’t disappear when your life gets complicated.
So yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts.
But you’re actually getting a chance to build something better.
To find people who will stick around through the messy stuff.
If You’re a New Parent
Your identity just completely shifted.
Your priorities changed. Your schedule is unrecognizable. Your body might feel foreign.
Of course, your friendships feel different.
But here’s the thing: You don’t need your old friends to “get it” perfectly.
You need to find some people who DO get it.
Other parents who understand why you can’t just “get childcare on a dime.”
Who won’t judge you for not wanting to be away from your kid right now.
And you need to keep some friends who DON’T have kids.
Who remind you that you’re still a whole person outside of being a parent.
Both matter.
If You’re Newly Sober
This is a big one in my DMs.
“All my friends go to bars. I don’t drink anymore. I don’t know how to socialize without alcohol.”
First: I see you. I’ve been there.
When I stopped drinking in my early 20s, I was one of the first in my friend group.
It was HARD.
People pushed back. They didn’t understand. They kept trying to get me to “just have one drink.”
But over time?
More people joined me. Some quit drinking, too. Others just… adjusted.
And it became completely normal in our friend group that if you’re providing alcohol, you ALWAYS have non-alcoholic options.
I changed the friend culture.
You can too.
And if your current friends can’t adjust? Find new ones who already get it.
There are SO many sober communities now. So many people want to socialize without alcohol.
You’re not alone in this.
Whether it’s social anxiety, feeling like an outsider, or past hurt, we address it all. Tune into the complete episode for every scenario and actionable advice.
It’s Never Too Late, Even With Crippling Social Anxiety
Okay, this one breaks my heart the most.
Because I know how paralyzing social anxiety can be.
The person who works from home and has “forgotten how to talk to people.”
The widow navigating grief AND trying to make friends at kids’ sports events.
The person who never learned social skills growing up.
If this is you, please hear me:
You are not broken.
You are not behind.
You just need a different approach.
The Social Anxiety Isn’t Your Fault
There’s something called “learned loneliness” (I talk about this in Episode 69).
Basically: Loneliness is a cue, like hunger.
But if you ignore that cue long enough, your baseline tolerance for loneliness gets so high that being lonely feels NORMAL.
This isn’t a “you” problem.
This is a societal problem that’s affecting millions of people.
The fact that you’re noticing it and wanting to change it? That’s huge.
How to Navigate Social Situations When You’re Anxious
Here’s my number one tip:
Have a plan.
When most people walk into a social situation, they’re playing defense. Reacting to whatever happens.
That’s when anxiety takes over.
Instead, go in with a plan of offense:
Example: You’re going to your kid’s football game
Your plan:
- When I walk in, I’m going to talk to my kid first (so I look busy and grounded)
- There’s one parent I’ve met before. I’m going to walk up to them.
- I’m going to ask them: “How was your week?”
- Then I’m going to ask: “Have you met any of the other parents on the team?”
That’s it. That’s your whole plan.
You’re not trying to talk to everyone. You’re not trying to be the social butterfly.
You’re talking to ONE person and asking TWO questions.
And honestly? If that’s all you do, and then you leave?
I’d call that a success.
You don’t have to overhaul your social anxiety in one night.
Just take one tiny step forward.
(If you want more strategies for navigating social anxiety and small talk, Episode 49 is my Survival Guide for Navigating Small Talk; it’s full of practical tips that actually work.)
It’s Never Too Late When You Feel Like an Outsider
Maybe you feel too different.
The only single person when everyone else was coupled up.
The only parent… or the only non-parent.
The only sober person. The only one who can’t afford to keep up.
If this is you, here’s what I need you to know:
It’s okay to not be like everyone else in your social circle.
In fact? It’s better.
Different Makes Things Interesting
I have friends with kids. I have friends without kids.
I have friends who drink. I have friends who don’t.
I have friends who are coupled. I have friends who are single.
And honestly? That’s what makes life interesting.
If all my friends were living the exact same life as me, that would be… boring.
Your differences add color to other people’s lives.
And their differences add color to yours.
But Also: Find Your People
That said, if you’re the ONLY [fill in the blank] in your current circles and it’s making you feel isolated?
Go find some people who share that thing.
You don’t have to leave your current friends (unless they’re not good for you).
But you can ADD people who get this specific part of your life.
If you’re the only single person, find some other single friends.
If you’re the only sober person, find sober communities.
You’re allowed to have different friend groups for different parts of your life.
When You Can’t Afford to Keep Up
This one’s tricky because money is uncomfortable to talk about.
But here’s what I’d suggest:
Be honest (in a light way): “Hey, I’m trying to be more intentional with my budget right now. Can we do something that doesn’t involve spending money?”
Or find new friends who have different priorities.
Not everyone is out there dropping $100 every weekend.
There are people who want to hike. Have potlucks. Play board games. Do free stuff.
You just have to find them.
It’s Never Too Late After Past Experiences Broke You
Finally: If you’ve had friendship breakups, bullying, rejection (experiences that left you feeling hopeless about connection) I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry that your social experiences have been painful rather than joyful.
But here’s what I want to remind you:
One of the joys of being an adult is that you get to CHOOSE who you’re surrounded by.
If It Happened When You Were a Kid
Your family of origin picked:
- ▪️ Where you lived
- ▪️ What communities you were part of
- ▪️ Who you were allowed to see
- ▪️ What they thought “ideal” connections looked like
You’re not a kid anymore.
You can choose spaces that actually align with who YOU are.
Maybe your parents pushed you toward career-driven friends when you’re an artist.
Maybe you’re neurodivergent and were always around neurotypical people.
You have the power to put yourself in different spaces now.
If It Happened as an Adult
Maybe you made friends in a desperate season, and they turned out to be terrible people.
Maybe someone took advantage of you.
You can leave those people and spaces.
You can move. Change jobs. Completely rebuild.
You have control and power to put yourself in different spaces.
Reflect on What Went Wrong
Spend some time thinking about what didn’t feel right:
- ▪️ Were you trying to be part of a group that didn’t align with you?
- ▪️ Was this a pattern from your past you kept repeating?
- ▪️ Were there early warning signs you wish you’d seen?
It’s all trial and error.
Your big fail might be in friendship. Mine might be in health, finances, or love.
We all have our flops.
That doesn’t mean you can’t come back from it.
So What Do You Actually DO About This?
Okay, enough theory.
If you’re standing on that dock right now, here’s what I want you to do:
Step 1: Pick Your Situation
Which of these resonates most:
- ▪️ You want to change your pattern (go deeper, be less quiet, be more authentic)
- ▪️ Time feels like the problem
- ▪️ You think you’re too old
- ▪️ A major life change happened
- ▪️ You have social anxiety
- ▪️ You feel like an outsider
- ▪️ Past experiences broke you
Pick ONE.
Step 2: Take ONE Tiny Action This Week
If you want to change your pattern:
- ▪️ Add one extra layer to your next conversation
- ▪️ Ask one person one question at your next event
If time is the problem:
- ▪️ Invite someone to do an errand with you
- ▪️ Suggest a 6 am coffee before work
If you think you’re too old:
- ▪️ Join ONE new group this month and show up twice
If a life change happened:
- ▪️ Find ONE community of people going through something similar
- ▪️ Reach out to ONE person you lost touch with
If you have social anxiety:
- ▪️ Make a plan for your next social situation (who you’ll talk to, what you’ll ask)
If you feel like an outsider:
- ▪️ Share something about YOUR life in your next conversation
- ▪️ Find ONE new space where people share your [different thing]
If past experiences broke you:
- ▪️ Reflect on what went wrong and what you’d do differently
- ▪️ Try ONE new space that aligns better with who you are now
Step 3: Look for the Tiny Glimmers
You’re not going to overhaul your entire social life overnight.
But you might have one good conversation.
One moment where someone actually listened.
One time when you felt a little less alone.
Notice those moments.
Celebrate them.
Because those tiny glimmers? They’re proof that it’s working.
And they’ll give you the motivation to keep going.
The Boat Isn’t Leaving. You Just Need to Look Around
Remember that image from the beginning?
You’re standing on the dock, watching the boat pull away, convinced you missed your chance?
Here’s the truth:
That boat isn’t actually leaving.
You just convinced yourself it is.
And even if it was? There are so many other boats.
And honestly? You might not even need a boat.
You might just need to take one step forward.
Or wave to someone else who’s also standing on that dock, maybe behind a pillar where you can’t see them, feeling the exact same way you do.
My Challenge to You
If you’re reading this and thinking, “but what about MY specific situation?”
Here’s what I want you to do:
Go back and re-read the section that resonated most.
Pick ONE small action from that section.
And do it this week.
Not next month. Not when you “feel ready.”
This week.
Because here’s what I know from personal experience:
You’re never going to feel 100% ready.
Connection doesn’t happen TO you.
It’s something you take action toward building.
And you can take those actions at any time, from any starting place, under any circumstances.
Even, especially, when it feels too late.
Feeling like you missed the boat on friendship? Listen to the full episode of “It’s Never Too Late to Make Friends” on the Friendship IRL podcast. I go even deeper into each of these scenarios with more specific strategies, scripts, and encouragement for whatever situation you’re facing. Because I promise you: it’s not too late.
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