58% of people say they always or sometimes feel like people don’t know them well.
Let that number sit with you for a minute…
That’s from a 2022 study by Cigna, and honestly? It stopped me in my tracks. Because here’s the thing – we talk about loneliness like it’s this mysterious force that just happens to some people. Like you’re either a “lonely person,” or you’re not.
But what if I told you loneliness isn’t actually about being alone? What if it’s something we can understand, break down, and actually do something about?
Let’s get real about loneliness. Not the dramatic, movie-version loneliness. The everyday kind that shows up when your Friday night plans get canceled, and you completely lose it (been there). The kind that hits when you’re surrounded by people but feel completely disconnected. The kind that makes you wonder if something’s just… wrong with you.
Spoiler alert: Nothing’s wrong with you. You just need a framework.
What Loneliness Actually Is (And Isn’t)
Here’s where most people get it wrong – they think loneliness equals being alone. But loneliness isn’t social isolation. You can feel lonely in a crowded room, and you can feel completely connected while spending a Saturday by yourself.
Loneliness is a subjective feeling that you’re lacking the social connections you need. It’s the gap between what you want in your relationships and what you actually have.
Think about it like this: Loneliness happens when our social experience fails to meet our social expectations. All those “shoulds” we carry around – how we should make friends, who we should marry, how we should interact with neighbors – they quietly seep into us through family, culture, TV shows, and social media feeds.
And when our reality doesn’t match those expectations? We feel lonely.
In the full episode, I dive much deeper into how these cultural expectations form and why they’re often unrealistic for our actual lives. It’s eye-opening stuff about how we absorb these norms without even realizing it.
The 3 Types of Loneliness (And Which One You’re Actually Experiencing)
Researchers have identified three distinct dimensions of loneliness. And here’s what’s fascinating – you might be crushing it in two areas but struggling in the third. Understanding which type you’re dealing with changes everything about how you address it.
Type 1: Intimate/Emotional Loneliness
This is longing for close confidants or intimate partners – people who really know you and share a deep bond of affection and trust.
The stats here are brutal: 45% of people say they sometimes or always feel like they are no longer close to a single person in their life.
This could be missing a romantic partner, feeling disconnected from your spouse, or realizing you don’t have that one person who truly gets you. Maybe you have friends, but the relationships feel surface-level. You’re looking for someone who knows your whole story.
Type 2: Relational/Social Loneliness
This is yearning for quality friendships and social companionship. It’s about having your people – that group that supports you, celebrates with you, and shows up when life gets messy.
47% of people say none of their relationships are meaningful. None. That’s not about quantity – it’s about quality companionship and support.
Maybe you have plenty of acquaintances but no real friends. Or perhaps your friend group has drifted apart, and you’re not sure how to rebuild. This is the loneliness that hits when you realize you don’t have anyone to call when something amazing happens… or when everything falls apart.
Type 3: Collective Loneliness
This one’s sneaky because people don’t talk about it much. It’s the hunger for a network or community of people who share your sense of purpose or interests. It’s about feeling connected to the places you go and the people around you.
61% of people feel like their interests and ideas aren’t shared with those around them.
This shows up when you’re the only entrepreneur in a group of people with traditional jobs, or when you move to a new city and feel like an outsider everywhere you go. It’s that feeling of not belonging anywhere, of being surrounded by people who just don’t get what matters to you.
Here’s What I Want You to Do Right Now
Take a minute and honestly assess: Which type of loneliness resonates most with you?
Maybe it’s all three (that’s okay – you’re not broken). Maybe it’s just one area that’s throwing everything else off balance.
Because here’s the truth: All these relationships build together to create your social wellness. A lack in any one dimension can leave you feeling lonely, even if the other areas are solid.
And loneliness doesn’t have to be constant or overwhelming to matter. It can be transient – coming and going. It can be situational – hitting you on certain holidays when you expected different people to be around. It can vary in intensity from moment to moment.
All of it is valid. All of it deserves attention.
The Expectation Trap (And How to Get Out of It)
Now that you know which type of loneliness you’re dealing with, let’s talk about the real culprit: unrealistic expectations.
Many of our expectations come from societal messages, pop culture, social media, or ideas we hold about how friendships “should” work. We expect peak friendship moments to last forever (they won’t). We compare our messy reality to highlight reels that have been edited, filtered, and scripted for maximum impact.
Here’s what I actually want you to do:
Step 1: Examine the source of your expectations.
Where did you get your ideas about marriage, friendships, and community? Were they from TV shows? Social media? Stories other people told you? Are these expectations realistic for your current season of life?
Step 2: Ask yourself if you even want what you think you want.
Do you actually want to travel with friends all the time, or is that just what Instagram told you friendship looks like? Do you prefer large parties or quiet conversations? There’s no wrong answer, but make sure your expectations are actually yours.
Step 3: Recalibrate for reality.
If your expectation is for friendships to look like the show “Friends,” but you’re married with kids and run a business, something’s gotta give. That doesn’t mean lowering your standards – it means finding things that still feel good but actually fit your life.
The complete episode explores this expectation piece in greater detail, including specific examples of how I recalibrated my friendship expectations as my life circumstances changed. If you’re struggling with this step, the full conversation might really help.
The Quiet Moments Matter More Than You Think
Here’s something that’s going to sound obvious but is actually revolutionary: The quiet moments of friendship aren’t always exciting or Instagram-worthy, but they matter just as much as the big moments.
Sitting on a couch reading separate books with a friend won’t get great TV ratings, but it might feel incredible to both of you. Having a quick text exchange about your day isn’t going to make anyone’s highlight reel, but it can be exactly the connection you needed.
We’re comparing our real, messy, ordinary moments to these curated, edited, dramatic portrayals of connection. And we’re losing every time.
What if instead of chasing those peak moments, we started celebrating the quiet ones? What if we stopped waiting for relationships to look like movies and started appreciating what actually feels good in real life?
Start With Weak Ties (Seriously)
Here’s where I’m going to challenge conventional wisdom: When you’re feeling lonely, your first instinct might be to focus on finding that one close person or fixing your marriage.
But what if I told you there’s an easier place to start?
Weak ties – your connections to acquaintances, community members, neighbors, that regular barista – are incredibly undervalued in our culture. We don’t trust strangers anymore. We don’t see relationships with acquaintances as important. We’re not as active in formal community.
But here’s the thing: Building weak ties is like watching money slowly rise in your bank account. Every small connection is progress you can see and feel. Collectively, these relationships foster a sense of belonging and community that addresses collective loneliness.
Practical steps for building weak ties:
- ▪️ Say hello to neighbors
- ▪️ Become a regular somewhere (coffee shop, gym, bookstore)
- ▪️ Join one group related to your interests
- ▪️ Actually engage with people in your existing communities
- ▪️ Trust strangers in small ways
Strong ties (best friends, romantic partners) take time and significant emotional investment. Weak ties can start paying dividends immediately as you build deeper connections.
You’re Not Destined to Be Lonely
Let me be clear about something: You are not destined to be a lonely person. This is not just who you are. And you absolutely deserve to feel connected.
I know it might feel that way, especially if you’ve been struggling with this for a while. There might be shame or guilt about how your social connections look right now. You might believe you don’t deserve to feel connected to other people.
But loneliness isn’t a character flaw. It’s not a permanent state. It’s information – telling you there’s a mismatch between what you want and what you have. And mismatches can be fixed.
I share much more in the full episode about what it means to move from feeling destined for loneliness to taking concrete action. There’s something powerful about hearing the full framework, which I think will shift how you see your situation.
The Action Plan
Here’s your homework (and yes, I actually want you to do this):
This week:
- Identify which type of loneliness you’re experiencing most
- Examine one expectation that might be unrealistic for your current life
- Take one small action to build a weak tie
This month:
- Have one honest conversation about loneliness with someone you trust
- Recalibrate expectations in the area where you feel most lonely
- Invest energy in building community connections rather than waiting for deep relationships to appear
Remember: You don’t have to wait until you’re at rock bottom to take action. You don’t have to be desperately lonely to deserve connection. Small, consistent actions in the right direction will slowly chip away at loneliness, so you spend less time feeling this way.
Your Turn
I want to leave you with the same reflection question I pose at the end of every episode:
Where do your expectations of marriage, friendships, and acquaintances come from? Are they realistic for this season of your life?
Really sit with this. Because understanding your expectations might be the key to understanding your loneliness. And once you understand it, you can actually do something about it.
Ready to dive deeper into this framework? Listen to the full Episode 27 of Friendship IRL where I break down each type of loneliness in detail and share more strategies for building the connections you actually want. You can find it wherever you get your podcasts, or visit [your website] to listen now.
Subscribe to Friendship IRL for more conversations about building authentic connections in real life. Because friendship isn’t just nice to have – it’s how we survive and thrive.
