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What if I told you that the worst thing you can do when someone you love is grieving isn’t saying the wrong thing… it’s saying nothing at all?
That the friends who show up imperfectly and keep showing up are the ones who carry you through grief, not the ones who wait until they have the perfect words?
Aly Bird‘s husband Will died in a hiking accident in November 2019. He was 29. She was 30. And in the aftermath of that loss, she learned something that most of us get completely wrong about grief:
Grief is a team sport. And an endurance sport.
You can’t do it alone. You can’t expect one person to be everything. And you can’t expect it to be over in a few weeks or months or even years.
Grief lasts forever. The attachment changes, but it never ends. And the friends who understand that, who keep coming back long after everyone else has moved on, are the ones who make life survivable.
In this conversation, Aly (who wrote Grief Ally: Helping People You Love Cope with Death, Loss, and Grief ) and I talk about what it actually looks like to show up for someone in grief. Not the sanitized, Pinterest-perfect version. The real, messy, imperfect version where you cry with them and bring them rum at their anti-Christmas celebration and let them sleep in your guest room for days without expecting them to be cheerful about it.
This episode isn’t just for people supporting someone through the death of a loved one. It’s for anyone navigating ANY kind of grief, which (spoiler alert) is all of us.
The Thing Nobody Tells You About Grief (That Changes Everything)
When Aly’s husband died, she went to a grief workshop.
The facilitator opened by saying something like: “Thank you all for being here. It’s really courageous work for you to show up and want to work through your grief. And once you have, then you can support others, because you will be wise.”
Aly sat there thinking: Excuse me?
“I just lost the most important person in the world to me, and you’re telling me that the only reason that I should make myself okay again is so that I can help other people who have to also live with this pain? That’s not fair. Where are the people who aren’t feeling this pain right now?”
Here’s what she realized: We’ve been taught that grief is something you go through alone, and then once you’re “healed,” you can rejoin society.
But that’s not how grief works. And it’s not how human beings work.
“Why aren’t people being accepted within their own networks? This is such a real fact of life. And if every time you experience new grief or a shifted attachment, you have to go find a whole new group of friends and family, like, what kind of life is that?”
Right. Because here’s the thing: grief support groups can be helpful. Connecting with people who’ve experienced similar losses can be valuable. But they can’t be EVERYTHING.
You still need your existing people to show up. You still need your friends to see you, to let you be messy, to hold space for the fact that you’re never going to be the same person you were before.
And if your friends can’t do that? If they disappear because they don’t know what to say or they’re uncomfortable with your pain?
You end up grieving the loss of your person AND the loss of your community. And that’s unbearable.
In the full episode, Aly talks about why her existing friend group showing up for her made all the difference, and what they did that actually helped. Listen here.
Why Grief Is a Team Sport (And What That Actually Means)
Here’s what Aly figured out early: grief is a team sport.
Not because it sounds nice. Because it’s literally impossible to do it alone.
“If you’re showing up for someone that you care about who is grieving, it’s like a team sport. And because grief lasts forever, it is also an endurance sport. So the reality is that you can’t do it on your own. That person can’t grieve in a box in isolation. And they need more than just their one best friend to be everything and do everything.”
This is SO important.
Because I think when something terrible happens, we default to thinking: “Who is this person’s CLOSEST friend? Who’s going to take care of them?”
And yes, there are people who are going to be in the front row. People who are going to be there every single day in the immediate aftermath. People who are going to field the phone calls and organize the meals and sit with the person while they cry at 3 AM.
But those people CAN’T do everything. And they can’t do it forever.
Which means the rest of us have a role too.
Maybe you’re the friend who’s great at logistics. You can organize the meal train or coordinate who’s picking up groceries or walking the dog.
Maybe you’re the friend who’s a good listener. You can sit with the person and let them talk about their loved one without trying to fix anything.
Maybe you’re the friend who’s good at distracting them. You can show up with a movie and takeout and give them a break from the heaviness for an hour.
Maybe you’re the friend who lives far away but can send a text every few weeks that says, “I’m thinking about you. No need to respond.”
Every role matters. Every small thing adds up.
And when you play to your strengths instead of trying to do everything? When you trust that other people are handling the other pieces?
The load gets distributed. No one person has to carry it all. And the person who’s grieving gets held by a web instead of relying on one thread.
“Play to your strengths, play to your assets.”
Yes. Because the goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to SHOW UP.
There are so many examples in the full episode of what this actually looks like in practice. If you’ve ever felt paralyzed by not knowing how to help, this will give you a roadmap. Listen here.
The Story That Shows What “Showing Up Imperfectly” Really Means
One of Aly’s friends had a guest room that became “practically hers.”
After Will died, Aly got a dog to help with the loneliness. She was also in school. She had a lot of responsibility. And sometimes, it all just… caught up with her.
So she’d text her friends and say, “Hey, can I come to your house this weekend?”
And they’d say, “Absolutely.”
And here’s what would happen: Aly would walk in the door and SLEEP. Her friends would take her dog on runs. They’d feed her. They had no expectations that she’d entertain them or be cheerful or even really interact.
She could just… exist in their space. And be taken care of.
“I’m three years beyond Will’s death at this point and they still let me do that,” Aly said.
Three years.
Not three weeks. Not three months. THREE YEARS.
Because grief doesn’t END. It changes. It softens in some ways and sharpens in others. But it doesn’t go away.
And the friends who understand that? Who don’t put a timeline on your pain? Who keep showing up long after everyone else has moved on?
Those are the friends who save you.
Another example: Christmas has been hard for Aly since Will died. The whole “be merry and jolly” thing just… doesn’t work when you’re grieving.
So Aly opted out of Christmas. And instead, she created her own holiday with a few friends. It started with one friend. Then two. Then this year, someone brought her a gift and said, “I don’t know if you give gifts, but here’s some rum.”
Perfect.
“Just come on this journey with me of building a new holiday around the emotions that I experience this time of year.”
THAT is what showing up looks like. Not trying to make her feel better. Not telling her she needs to “get into the Christmas spirit.” Just… meeting her where she is. Honoring her reality. Building something new with her that actually FITS the life she’s living now.
In the full episode, Aly shares more stories like this, including the friend who told her story for her when she couldn’t say the words out loud. If you want to know what helps, these examples will show you. Listen here.
Why It’s Never Too Late to Reach Out
Here’s something Aly said that I need you to hear:
“There is no wrong time to reach out and offer your support and condolences and to be willing to be leaned on. Because grief never ends.”
Read that again.
There is no wrong time.
If it’s been six months and you haven’t reached out yet because you didn’t know what to say? Reach out now.
If it’s been two years and you feel like you “missed your window”? You didn’t. Reach out now.
If it’s been ten years and you just thought of them and wondered how they’re doing? REACH OUT NOW.
“Don’t feel like you’re too late. Don’t feel like you’ve missed your opportunity. It’s actually a huge gift to come in when other people’s interest has moved into other things and be like, ‘Hey, I’m just checking on you. I realize that this is still something that’s probably quite present in your life and I want to be helpful to you.'”
I can confirm this from my own experience. My mom died almost 20 years ago. TWENTY YEARS. And I still have friends who check in with me around her birthday or the anniversary of her death or Mother’s Day.
They didn’t know my mom. They weren’t there when she died. But they KNOW it still matters to me. And they show up anyway.
And you know what? Those messages mean EVERYTHING.
Because most people assume that after a certain amount of time, you’re “over it.” That you’ve moved on. That you don’t want to talk about it anymore.
But grief doesn’t work that way. The person is still gone. The loss is still there. And being reminded that someone SEES that, that someone remembers, that someone cares?
That’s a gift.
The full episode goes deeper into why timing doesn’t matter as much as we think it does, and what it actually feels like to have people show up years later. Listen here.
The Myth We Need to Stop Believing About Bringing Up the Dead
Here’s a fear I hear ALL THE TIME from people who want to support someone grieving:
“I don’t want to bring up the person who died because it might make them sad.”
Let me tell you something: They’re already sad. You’re not going to MAKE them sad by mentioning the person they love.
In fact, the opposite is true. NOT mentioning the person? THAT’S what hurts.
“I think a lot of people fall into the trap that if I bring them up, it’s going to cause more harm. When in fact that probably couldn’t be farther from the truth for many, many people.”
She told me about how meaningful it is when people ask her about Will. What would he think about what’s happening today? What was he like? What did he love?
“That is such a gift. I’m not the one who continually has to bring him up in conversation. It’s kind of giving me permission to weave him into it and build new memories and ideas with his presence.”
YES.
Because here’s the thing: the person who died is still part of the griever’s life. They think about them constantly. They have memories triggered by random things (TV shows, songs, places, inside jokes). And if nobody is talking to them ABOUT that person, they have to carry all of it alone.
But when you ASK? When you say, “Tell me about them” or “What would they think about this?” or “I was thinking about them today”?
You’re giving them permission to share. You’re acknowledging that this person MATTERED. You’re helping them maintain a connection to someone they love.
And research shows that maintaining those “continuing bonds” with people who’ve died is actually GOOD for us. It helps our nervous systems. We cope better. We adapt better to a life without them.
“You can’t make it worse by bringing up the person who has died.”
So stop being afraid. Ask the questions. Say the name. Let them tell you stories.
And if you start crying while they’re talking? THAT’S OKAY TOO.
“If I am telling you a story about Will, about my loss, and you start crying, there is no greater signal to me that you are in the moment and really listening to what I am saying.”
Your tears don’t make it worse. They show that you CARE. That you’re not just tolerating their grief, you’re FEELING it with them.
And that? That’s what they need.
What Grief Actually Is (And Why It’s Happening to You Right Now)
Here’s something Aly said that completely reframed how I think about grief:
“Grief, at its core, is just a change in attachment. And as human beings, we are wired to attach to people, to places, to things, to ideas. So there’s so much more grief in life than we really give attention to.”
Wait. Read that again.
Grief is a change in attachment.
Which means grief isn’t just about death. It’s about ANY loss. ANY change. ANY moment when something you were attached to is no longer the same.
Divorce. Breakups. Friendships that change or end. Becoming a parent (and losing your freedom). Kids leaving home (and losing the daily presence of your children). Moving to a new city. Changing jobs. Losing a dream you had for your life.
All of it is grief.
“There are so many moments where grief exists that we really don’t pay attention to. We just label it as something else. We just label it as, ‘Oh, I’m feeling sad today.’ And yes, you might be feeling sad today, but the origin of that sadness is this energetic grief that’s created because you’re changing how you’re attached to a person, place, thing, or idea.”
This is HUGE.
Because if we expand our definition of grief to include all these smaller losses, we can start PRACTICING how to support each other through them.
We don’t have to wait for someone to die to learn how to sit with discomfort. We can do it NOW. When our friend is going through a divorce. When someone’s struggling with becoming a parent. When a friendship is changing and it’s hard for both people.
We can practice being present. Practice not trying to fix it. Practice just… holding space.
And then when the BIG losses happen (and they will, because everyone loses someone eventually), we’ll already know how to show up.
This conversation completely shifted how I think about grief and what it means to support people through it. Listen to the full episode for more on this.
The Duality of Grief (And Why We Need to Stop Pretending It Doesn’t Exist)
Here’s something that comes up ALL THE TIME in my work:
Can you be happy for your friend AND sad about your own situation at the same time?
Can you show up to a wedding while you’re going through a breakup? Can you celebrate someone’s pregnancy announcement when you’re struggling with infertility? Can you be excited for your friend’s promotion when you just lost your job?
The answer is YES. But we act like it’s not.
We act like if you’re feeling ANY negative emotion, you must not REALLY be happy for your friend. Like if you need to cry in the bathroom at a wedding, you’re somehow ruining the day.
But that’s not how emotions work.
“There are two sets of emotions existing at all times.”
Aly talked about how early on after Will died, she got jealous a lot. Her friends were getting married and having babies. And she was “still sad over here.”
“The reality is, if I am jealous, I’m not hurting anyone. If I acted on that jealousy and did anything with malicious intent, then that would be bad. But me sitting in bed having a good cry because somebody else got something that I wanted and now I can’t have? I just give myself space to feel that way.”
YES.
The FEELING isn’t the problem. The feeling is just information. It’s your brain processing loss and change and unfairness.
The problem is when we ACT on the feeling in ways that hurt people. Or when OTHER people assume that because you’re feeling something, you must be acting on it.
Aly talked about crying in the bathroom at her best friend’s wedding. Not because she wasn’t happy for her friend. But because she was also grieving the fact that it wasn’t HER wedding. That Will wasn’t there.
Both things were true. She was happy for her friend AND sad about her own loss.
And you know what? That’s OKAY.
“Acceptance is just like, ‘Oh, here’s that feeling again. Here’s that duality.’ I’m just gonna go into the bathroom and cry a little bit at my best friend’s wedding because I’m feeling things. And I wish it was my wedding.”
If you’re the friend supporting someone through grief? Give them space for the duality. Don’t make them pretend they’re only feeling one thing. Don’t expect them to be 100% cheerful at your happy event just because they love you.
They can love you AND be sad. They can celebrate you AND need a moment to cry. They can be present AND be processing their own pain.
Let them be human.
There’s so much more in the full episode about navigating this duality as both the person grieving and the person supporting. It’s one of the most important parts of this conversation. Listen here.
What It Means to Be a Grief Ally
Aly wrote a book called What to Do When Someone You Love is Grieving because she saw how terrified people were to show up for her.
They didn’t know what to say. They were afraid of doing it wrong. They kept their distance because they thought that was safer than making a mistake.
But here’s what she learned:
“Instead of being the person who stays quiet and worried that they’re going to screw up so they keep their distance, you are more likely to lose your friend than getting close and making mistakes. The closer you are, the more willing you are to show up for that person, the more likely it is that you’re going to be in each other’s lives down the road.”
Read that again.
Getting close and making mistakes is better than staying away.
Because grief is isolating. It’s lonely. It makes you feel like nobody understands. And when people disappear because they don’t know what to do?
It confirms that fear. It makes the loneliness worse.
But when people show up anyway? When they say, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I love you and I’m not going away”?
THAT is what carries you through.
Aly calls the people who showed up for her “the front row.” They were there from day one. They made mistakes. They didn’t always know what to say. But they didn’t leave.
“My front row, they were there from day one saying, ‘Hey, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I love you and you are not going to face this alone. I am here. I will make mistakes. I am not going away.'”
That’s what it means to be a grief ally. Not to have all the answers. Not to say the perfect thing. Just to stay.
To show up imperfectly and keep showing up. To play to your strengths. To be part of the team.
Because grief is a team sport. And an endurance sport. And the friends who understand that, who don’t put a timeline on your pain, who keep coming back long after everyone else has moved on?
Those are the friends who save you.
If you want to know how to BE that friend, listen to the full episode. Aly breaks down exactly what helps and what doesn’t, and why imperfect presence beats polished absence every single time.
