When my friend Lizzie was in college, she looked incredibly healthy on paper.
She was vegan, on the rowing team, exercising constantly, eating all the “right” foods. By every conventional measure, she was the picture of wellness. But she was having panic attacks. She was dealing with chronic pain. She felt terrible most of the time.
When doctors ran tests, they kept telling her, “You’re really healthy on paper.” And technically, they were right – if you define health as simply the absence of disease. But Lizzie wasn’t experiencing wellness at all.
This disconnect led her to give a TED Talk years later about the difference between health and holistic wellness – and why focusing on just one piece of the puzzle (usually physical health) leaves us feeling empty despite doing “all the right things.”
The Eight Pillars You’re Probably Ignoring
True holistic wellness isn’t about the latest superfood or workout trend. It’s built on eight interconnected pillars:
- Physical wellness (the one everyone focuses on)
- Emotional wellness
- Occupational wellness
- Social wellness
- Spiritual wellness
- Intellectual wellness
- Environmental wellness
- Financial wellness
Here’s the thing: You can be running marathons and eating perfectly, but if your work is crushing your soul or you have no meaningful relationships, you’re not going to feel good. All these areas affect each other.
Yet somehow, we’ve been convinced that wellness means buying the right supplements, following the trending diet, and doing the workout everyone’s posting about on Instagram.
Why Social Wellness Gets Left Behind
Of all these pillars, social wellness might be the most neglected. And I get why.
When we’re young – kids, teens, college students – friendships are actively encouraged. Society tells us to go hang out with friends, take trips together, prioritize those relationships.
But hit your late twenties, and suddenly the messaging shifts. Why are you spending money on friend trips when you should be saving? Why aren’t you focusing on finding a romantic partner? Shouldn’t your career take priority?
We’re taught that successful adults should be able to handle everything on their own. That needing people is somehow a sign of weakness or immaturity.
Meanwhile, we expect our romantic partners to meet every single social need we have. They’re supposed to be our best friend, our emotional support, our adventure buddy, our intellectual companion, our everything. That’s an impossible standard that sets everyone up for failure.
The “Easy Invite” Trap
Lizzie and I both noticed this pattern in our own marriages. When you live with someone, it’s easy to default to inviting them to everything, even when it’s not really their thing.
I caught myself asking my husband Michael if he wanted to go shopping with me one Sunday. His response? “Absolutely not.” And honestly, that was the right answer. Shopping isn’t his thing, and dragging him along would mean spending the whole time apologizing and rushing instead of actually enjoying myself
But here’s what we do instead: I go shopping with friends who actually enjoy it, and Michael does things he loves with his friends. When we come back together, we’re both energized from doing activities we genuinely enjoyed, instead of resentful from being dragged to things we don’t want to do.
Your Social Wellness Looks Different Than Mine
One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking there’s a one-size-fits-all approach to social wellness.
Maybe you see someone on social media who seems to have an incredibly active social life, and you think that’s what you need to aim for. But that might not be your authentic self at all.
Your social wellness might look like:
- One deep conversation with a close friend each week
- A monthly dinner with a small group
- Regular walks with a neighbor
- Being part of an online community around a shared interest
- Hosting quiet game nights instead of big parties
The key is being honest about what actually energizes you versus what you think you “should” want.
As Lizzie puts it: “There’s a difference between your ideal self and your true self. Where we run into discomfort is when we try to show up as our ideal self instead of honoring and nurturing our true self.”
The Third Option Strategy
One of the biggest barriers to healthy social wellness is feeling trapped by social obligations that don’t actually serve you.
Someone invites you to dinner and a show, but you’re not interested in the show. Most people think they have two options: say yes and be miserable, or say no and feel guilty.
But there’s always a third option: “I’d love to join you for dinner, but I’m going to skip the show.”
Or maybe friends want to plan an expensive weekend trip that doesn’t work for your budget or interests. Third option: “That sounds amazing for you all, but it’s not going to work for me. What if we planned a day trip instead, or I could host everyone for dinner before you leave?”
The key is being honest about what you actually want while still making an effort to connect in ways that work for you.
Making Social Obligations Actually Worth Your Time
Sometimes you’ll choose to attend things out of obligation – family events, work parties, celebrations for people you care about. That’s normal and often necessary.
But before you go, spend a few minutes thinking: What would make this worth my time?
Maybe it’s prioritizing a 10-minute conversation with someone you haven’t seen in years. Maybe it’s trying to learn something new from someone with different life experiences. Maybe it’s simply showing up for someone you care about during an important moment.
When you go into social situations with intention, even obligatory events can contribute positively to your social wellness.
The Self-Care Revolution You Haven’t Heard About
We’ve been sold the idea that self-care is something you do alone – bubble baths, face masks, solo meditation retreats. All of these can be wonderful, but they’re not the whole picture.
Real self-care might be:
- Having someone you can call during tough moments
- Building a support network for when life gets overwhelming
- Creating friendships where you can be completely authentic
- Finding people who share your interests and values
- Establishing relationships where you can both give and receive support
As Lizzie points out, much of what we call “self-care” is actually just basic maintenance – washing your hair, getting enough sleep, eating regularly. Those are necessities, not treats.
True self-care often involves other people. And the beautiful thing about this kind of care? It’s usually free.
Starting Where You Are
If your social wellness feels like it’s at rock bottom, that’s okay. Like any other area of health, you start where you are and build gradually.
Maybe you’ve been isolated for months and the idea of making new friends feels overwhelming. Start with one small action: text one person you haven’t talked to in a while. Join one group. Accept one invitation you might normally decline.
The goal isn’t to become a social butterfly overnight. It’s to slowly build the support system and connections that will sustain you through life’s ups and downs.
Remember: You can’t build social wellness in crisis mode. If you wait until you desperately need support to start building relationships, it’s much harder. The time to tend to this area of your life is before you need it most.
Your Next Step
Take a honest look at those eight pillars of holistic wellness. Which ones are you prioritizing? Which ones have you been ignoring?
If social wellness has been on the back burner, what’s one small thing you could do this week to tend to that area of your life?
Maybe it’s reaching out to someone you’ve been meaning to connect with. Maybe it’s saying yes to an invitation you’d normally decline. Maybe it’s setting a boundary around a social obligation that’s been draining you.
Your version of social wellness doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. It just has to feel authentic and sustainable for you.
Because here’s the truth: You can do everything “right” in terms of diet and exercise and still feel terrible if you’re missing meaningful human connection. Your social life isn’t a nice-to-have addition to your wellness routine.
It’s a foundational piece of feeling truly well.
Which of the eight pillars of holistic wellness tends to get the most attention in your life? And which one might need some care right now?
