If you’re listening to this episode, you probably fall into one of three categories.
Category One: You’re listening when this is released. The week of the Los Angeles wildfires. We’re on day six. They’re still going. The collective grief is everywhere.
Category Two: Something just happened to someone in your life. You’re looking for a quick guide on how to show up for them.
Category Three: You’re going back through the Friendship IRL archives. (If that’s you, I love that.)
If you’re in category one or two, you could use a deep breath.
And if you’re in category three, a deep breath never hurt anybody.
So before we dive in, wherever you are right now. Take a deep breath.
A really solid exhale. Let your shoulders drop. Let your jaw unclench.
If you’re in category one or two, you have a lot going on.
And a deep breath is a good place to start.
What I’m Seeing Right Now (The LA Fires)
I’m recording this episode during the LA wildfires. Day six.
And I’m seeing some really beautiful things happening.
People coming together. Not just in LA, but far and wide.
Creative ways of showing up. Coordinated food drops for firefighters. People sharing resources: knowledge, physical items, money.
GoFundMes everywhere. News and updates being shared. People working together to build apps and solutions.
A collective conversation.
I don’t think I’ve been in a single conversation this week where we haven’t talked about these fires. Where we haven’t acknowledged someone we know who lost everything or was evacuated.
Part of this is the scale. Most of us know someone directly impacted. If you don’t, you have a friend of a friend.
And I’m seeing endless content online. Tips, scripts, and ideas. Mutual aid lists. GoFundMe compilations. Amazon wish lists.
If you want to help right now, it’s hard NOT to find an opportunity.
What This Highlights
The LA fires have really highlighted something: People want to help.
When something bad happens (to one person, a small group, an entire community, or one of the biggest cities in the US), people want to help.
And I think a huge piece of that, in a world where so many of us feel lonely and disconnected, is this:
When you help, when you show up, you feel tapped into that social fabric.
That web of connections.
It’s a reminder that you’re not alone.
And it’s a reminder to people on the far edges of that web (people who don’t even know they’re connected to you) that they’re not alone either.
But What If It’s NOT a Big Catastrophe?
Right now, this is everywhere. Media coverage. Endless resources. Scripts and opportunities and lists.
There’s almost an overwhelming number of opportunities.
But what if you’re listening to this a few years from now, and a friend just lost their house in a fire?
And it’s not getting media coverage.
You’re not seeing endless scripts and resources. Things aren’t being shared everywhere.
You might be overwhelmed for a different reason:
You don’t know what to do. Nobody’s sending you lists. You want to help but you’re terrified of doing it wrong.
There aren’t endless scripts to follow.
I think either way (whether there’s an overwhelming number of opportunities or an overwhelming number of not knowing), some of what we’ll talk about today will help you.
This Could Be Any Loss
I’m talking about the LA fires. But this could be any natural disaster.
It could also be a personal tragedy:
Loss of a home. Loss of a loved one. A life-changing diagnosis. A breakup. A divorce.
It could be an ambiguous loss: where everything on the outside looks the same, but everything feels completely different, and your life is forever changed.
Whatever the loss, there are pieces of today’s episode that can help guide you through showing up for people you care about.
I have other episodes about specific losses (losing a loved one, losing a spouse, pregnancy loss).
But sometimes in a moment of crisis, what you need is a short episode like this one.
Something you can listen to quickly to help guide you through the moment.
That’s what this is. Whether it’s for you or if you need to send it to someone who’s struggling.
Why Should You Listen to Me?
Fair question.
Like all of us, I have no shortage of loss in my life.
Moments where I needed support. Moments where I gave support.
A big one: I lost my mom when I was 13.
I still remember so many things about that loss. How people showed up for us. What made an impact.
And because I experienced that loss so young, I’ve always been a person on the front lines for others.
People in my communities and circles come to me.
Massive breakups that require people to move out. Loss of a parent (so many people have reached out about this). Medically complex situations. Extended hospital stays. Loss of a child. Divorce. Illness. Loss of a pet. Loss of a job.
So many moments where I’ve been in that inner circle, helping people navigate.
And because of that, there are some key truths I want to share before we dive in.
Three Key Truths About Showing Up in Crisis
Truth #1: There Is No Perfect Way to Show Up
Stop putting that pressure on yourself.
It’s all messy right now anyway. You just have to join in the mess.
You have to be okay with the fact that you’ll probably make mistakes.
The thing you think is most needed might not be.
You just have to try and do your best.
Truth #2: You Cannot Fix What Is Happening
Take it from someone who has tried. Who has been overly vigilant. Who has tried to anticipate everything.
You probably can’t fix it.
So what you need to do instead is just be part of the process.
Could be a big part. Could be a small part.
But you’re not responsible for fixing it.
You have to be in the mess with the person.
Truth #3: Giving Support Is Uncomfortable
That’s just normal.
Your friend, your family member, your person. They’re uncomfortable. They’re not okay. They’re not stable.
If you’re getting in there with them, it’s going to be uncomfortable for you, too.
You don’t have to know what they’re going through. You don’t have to be experiencing the same thing.
You might be struggling with something else at the same time. You might not be able to show up in all the ways they need.
You might have to sit with someone while they cry. And that might make you sad, too.
That’s just the way it is. It’s going to be uncomfortable.
You just have to roll with it.
Phase 1: Immediate Needs First
When the crisis has just happened, you have to think in an “immediate needs first” framework.
Because you’re not the one experiencing it, your world hasn’t completely fallen apart.
You haven’t been in the accident. You haven’t lost the person.
In those immediate moments (minutes, hours, days), it’s just immediate needs.
That’s all the person can think about. That’s all they can handle. That’s really all they need.
But when you’re on the outside with a little more brain power, you might already be thinking about what they’ll need in a week, two weeks, a month.
Don’t go there yet. Immediate needs first.
What Are Immediate Needs?
The most basic things:
Do they have physical shelter?
Do they need medical attention?
Do they need food or water?
Clothing?
Check on the most basic things.
Naturally, I think we do this. If someone gets in an accident, we call 911.
But it’s the same if someone’s house burns down. If a loved one passes away.
Have they eaten in the past 12 hours? Are they out of harm’s way? Do they need medical attention? Do they have somewhere to sleep tonight?
Focus on those things.
Don’t Jump Ahead
Really try to assess what’s truly urgent rather than jumping into action.
Example: Someone gets in a car accident. They’ll be in bed for months recovering.
In the first couple of hours, you’re thinking: They’re going to need a meal train.
Stop. Just stop for a second.
Assess what’s really urgent right now.
The meal train can wait.
Want to hear the full conversation about showing up for someone in crisis without freezing or trying to fix everything? Listen to the complete episode for all three phases of crisis support.
Phase 2: The Freeze State
Once the person has some immediate needs taken care of, we need to talk about the freeze state.
I’ve experienced this many times with different losses.
When my mom passed away, there was a two-week foggy period where I honestly didn’t know what happened.
I was home from school. I think I walked around the house. Laid in my bed. Maybe on the couch. Honestly, I could see myself lying on the floor.
I probably didn’t eat much. I wasn’t hungry.
I have this very vivid memory of an extended family member coming to our house (maybe the night my mom died, maybe the next day), and they brought squid for dinner.
Calamari. For dinner.
I was 13. And all I could think was: You want to feed me… but maybe you should have just brought me a bagel.
I probably hadn’t showered in days. My clothes were probably smelly.
Freeze state is not pretty. But it’s necessary.
Your body is in shock. Your whole world has been tumbled around.
Don’t Push Through the Freeze State
As someone supporting people, we can see further. We can see outward.
So we might want to push them.
Fill out those important forms. Call that person back. Get up and move every day.
Is it really necessary? Do they have to?
What might actually be more supportive is creating a safe space where they don’t have to exist with the world for a moment.
Where they can just process the loss.
How to Support the Freeze State
Protect their downtime.
If they really need to talk to someone about official matters, can you take that call? Find out what can’t wait for a week?
Manage other people’s expectations.
From personal experience: Pushing through the freeze state is possible.
But you’re not going to get the best results. Things they tell you, they might not even remember. They might not be thinking clearly.
And on a more personal level, If you push through the freeze state, it will catch up to you.
At some point, it will take you down.
And at that point, it’s harder. Because everyone’s like: “Well, you pushed through already. What are you doing now?”
Practical Ways to Support the Freeze State
Drop off comfort food. You don’t need to ask what they want. Just use basic information (are they celiac? Don’t bring gluten).
Otherwise, it doesn’t matter. They’re probably eating the most basic things anyway.
Provide a space for them. Maybe they just lost their spouse. Maybe they don’t want to go home. Maybe they’d prefer to rot away in your guest room where they’re not surrounded by memories.
Be that first line of defense. Manage outside expectations. Protect their ability to just… not function for a bit.
Phase 3: The Timing of Support
Here’s something that trips people up: When we hear about someone in crisis, we panic.
Our nervous system goes through the roof. We can’t imagine it happening. We love that person so much.
We want to fix it. We want to help. And it feels like it needs to happen RIGHT NOW.
Everyone else goes into hyper-speed in the exact moment the person experiencing the loss has dropped into sloth mode.
It can be a lot.
You Don’t Have to Do Everything Right Now
Instead of following the trick your brain is playing (that you need to do everything immediately) remember: that’s not true.
Sure, there are immediate needs (we covered those).
But you have time. Between the safety phase and the shock phase, you have days, if not weeks.
If you’re not the person dealing with immediate needs, you have a minute.
It’s Never Too Late
Don’t feel like you have to jump in the exact minute.
In fact, it’s never too late.
A lot of people think, “I failed to show up in the beginning, so I missed my chance.”
No. This is a marathon.
Whatever crisis your person is going through, maybe you’re a relief pitcher.
Maybe you’ll come in and relieve one of those immediate people at some point.
And that might not be for days or weeks or months.
Personal Example
I had friends whose loved one was in the hospital for a really extended time.
Their immediate family stayed at their house for months: helping with the dog, the mail, and cooking.
After a few months, I said, “I can come stay for two weeks.”
Mind you, they were six months into the crisis at this point.
But it gave their immediate caregivers time to go home and get their lives in order.
I already knew when the crisis happened that I could do that down the line.
That’s really valuable.
Be a Consistent Presence
This can look many ways:
Dropping off a meal every other week for a few months.
Consistent donations.
Taking on a task for a period of time, like taking out your neighbor’s trash cans while they’re dealing with a crisis.
Regular check-ins:
“Hey, thinking of you. No need to respond.”
Or more actionable: “Driving through your neighborhood in an hour. Dropping coffee on your porch.”
A week later: “Going to the grocery store. Anything you need? I’ll drop it at your door by 4 pm.”
Couple weeks later: “Taking my kids to the park. Can I grab yours so you have time this afternoon?”
They can say no to any of these. But you’re making a decision to continually check in and offer.
You’re providing consistency.
How to Actually Show Up (The Practical Stuff)
Now that we know the phases, let’s talk about HOW to do this in a way that actually helps.
Give SPECIFIC Offers (Not “Let Me Know If You Need Anything”)
Notice the offers I suggested above. They’re specific.
Not: “If you think of anything you need, reach out.”
That’s not helpful.
Why?
One: They’re not in a great mental space.
Two: They don’t know how that works into your life. If that’s a skill you have. If that’s something you can do. So they won’t ask.
Three: You’re giving them homework. And homework is what you’re trying to take off their plate.
Just start offering things.
It’s okay if they say no.
But when you give specific examples (like picking something up at the grocery store), now they know how you’re willing to show up.
A couple of weeks later, they might text: “If you’re going to the store this week, here are a few items I need.”
Be specific.
Find YOUR Lane (What Are You Naturally Good At?)
Here’s something that might surprise you:
The most helpful support often comes from people doing what they’re naturally good at.
Take a second. Think about what people come to you for help with.
When it feels natural to us, we tend to discount it.
“That’s so easy for me. Nobody would need that.”
Or we think helping should be a struggle or a burden.
It doesn’t need to be that way.
The best support comes when you can naturally fold it into your life, and it’s already something you’re good at.
Non-Traditional Support Examples
Don’t just jump to meal trains.
Maybe they need:
- ▪️ Research on a specific topic
- ▪️ Organizing (you love organizing!)
- ▪️ Packing to move
- ▪️ Sorting through a loved one’s belongings
- ▪️ Running errands
- ▪️ Walking their dog
- ▪️ Taking out trash cans
- ▪️ Professional advice you’d normally charge for (legal, tax, etc.)
My Personal Examples
Errands: I have flexibility of time
Childcare or pet care: especially dogs (I love dogs)
Lending items: physical things people need
Airport pickups
Offering our guest room: if someone’s family wants to come help them, they can stay with us
Recording/broadcasting: I have equipment and software if someone needs to get a message out
Make Your Own List
Spend time thinking about:
- ▪️ Ways you naturally show up
- ▪️ Things you like doing
- ▪️ Things you’re good at
- ▪️ Skills you’ve developed
- ▪️ Resources you have
The more creative, the better.
Amazing at Excel spreadsheets? Keep that in your back pocket.
Creating art? Music? Broadcasting?
We have so many board games: in a crisis, I could take them to a kids’ center.
Maybe you’re just really good at sitting with someone in a hard moment. That’s emotional support.
Could be with a close loved one. Could also be sitting next to a stranger on a hospital bench.
Find your lane.
There’s so much more to learn about finding your unique way to support someone in crisis. Tune into the full episode to discover how to find your lane and show up consistently.
Managing the Dynamics of Care
Coordinate With Others
It’s always better to coordinate with others.
Especially if you feel like you alone have to support this person.
Maybe it’s your parent, sibling, child, best friend, or spouse.
You don’t have to do it alone.
Get creative. Message people on social media who you know are their friends.
Email a community organization they’re part of.
Tap into their existing networks.
Send a message: “Hey, I’m Alex. I don’t know if you heard, but my friend was in an accident. I know they’re a member of your organization. Here are some ways we’ve set up to help.”
Coordinate. Talk about it.
Use Your Existing Networks
In moments of crisis, we see how far and wide people will show up.
The LA fires are such an example.
Let this be a reminder: It’s worth letting your wider network know.
That’s why we build this entire web of connection.
Schools. Workplaces. Communities.
And when you reach that broad network, you might find very specific, niche help.
Very specific legal support. Medical support. Someone who can fix drywall.
(If you need help with drywall, that will not be me. I’m very bad at it.)
But I can help communicate to the broader network.
Because that might be someone’s skill set.
That’s how we avoid gaps in support.
Communication Tips
Don’t Force Positivity
Don’t try to find silver linings.
It’s okay if they’re mad, angry, sad, or frustrated.
Just let them be.
Validate the experience: “That’s so hard. What you’re experiencing is intense.”
Avoid Comparisons
They don’t need to hear about the time you lost something similar.
My only caveat: If you’ve experienced something SO similar and have a very practical tip.
Like: you also lost your house in a fire, and you know how to handle insurance adjusters.
Otherwise, don’t bring up your own stuff.
Let it be about them.
Always Give Specific Offers
I’ve said this multiple times because it’s that important.
Always. Always. Always.
“It Doesn’t Feel Like Enough”
I hear this all the time: “It just doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.”
If that’s you, here’s how to combat it:
Communicate with the broader web of connection.
When you see transparency (this person dropped off groceries, this person is helping with the dog, this person is helping with childcare, this person is handling legal stuff) it doesn’t feel like it’s all on you.
And it gives you a guide for where your strengths fit into the broader puzzle.
The whole goal is that it’s not just one person. Because that’s not sustainable.
You don’t have to do it all.
Just talk to the friends of friends, the communities, the connections, the person coordinating.
That’s how you create the support the person actually needs.
What You Need to Remember
If you’re supporting someone right now, I see you.
What you’re doing matters. Even if it feels small. Especially if it feels small.
Remember:
There’s no perfect way to show up. You can’t fix it. It will be uncomfortable.
Think in phases: Immediate needs. Freeze state. Consistent presence.
Give specific offers. Find your lane. Coordinate with others.
And know this: It’s never too late.
Until next time, keep being brave enough to show up.
Need more specific guidance? I have other episodes about supporting someone through specific losses: losing a loved one, losing a spouse, infant loss. Go back through the archives and find what you need.
Know someone who’s paralyzed by wanting to help but not knowing how? Send them this episode. Sometimes we just need permission to show up imperfectly. This is that permission.
If this post resonated with you, listen to the full episode here for even more practical guidance on showing up for the people you love during their hardest moments.
