“We live in cubicles. We live in cubicles and at very best, we dress up our cubicle for people to see and hope that people like our cubicles.”
Those words from my recent podcast guest Mark Delaney stopped me cold. Because he’s absolutely right, isn’t he?
Most of us have built these invisible walls around ourselves. We think we’re being smart – protecting ourselves from judgment, rejection, or getting hurt. But what we’re actually doing is creating our own prison.
And the worst part? We’ve gotten so used to those walls that we think they belong there.
The Fancy Prison We’ve Built for Ourselves
Here’s the truth Mark helped me see: when we keep walls up between ourselves and other people, we’re not just protecting ourselves. We’re cutting ourselves off from the very thing that makes us human – genuine connection with others.
Think about it. How often do you:
- ▪️ Show up to social situations with a carefully crafted version of yourself?
- ▪️ Avoid sharing anything real because you don’t want to be “too much”?
- ▪️ Keep conversations surface-level because deeper feels too risky?
- ▪️ Assume nobody really wants to hear about your struggles or dreams?
We think we’re being considerate. But we’re actually living in what Mark calls “a fancy prison.”
And here’s what’s wild – while we’re busy protecting ourselves behind our walls, we’re also starving. We’re starving for real connection, for someone to truly see us, for conversations that actually matter. But we can’t have those things as long as we keep our walls up.
Why We Build Walls (And Why They’re Killing Us)
Let’s get real about why we do this. We build walls because we’re terrified. Terrified that if people see the real us – the messy, imperfect, sometimes struggling us – they’ll decide we’re too much. Or not enough. Or just… not worth their time.
But here’s what I realized during my conversation with Mark: those walls aren’t just keeping other people out. They’re keeping us trapped inside.
When we live behind walls, we don’t get to experience the full expression of our lives. We don’t get to use our gifts fully because we’re too busy managing our image. We don’t get to receive the support and insight that could transform everything because we’re not letting people close enough to offer it.
Mark shared a story that perfectly illustrates this. He was playing frisbee golf and met a complete stranger. Instead of keeping things surface-level, he asked if the guy wanted to play together. Within minutes, this stranger was sharing that he and his wife were separated, and they ended up having what Mark calls “marriage counseling for the next hour and a half.”
Why was this possible? Because Mark showed up without walls.
The complete episode dives so much deeper into what happened in that conversation and how it transformed both of their afternoons. But the key insight is this: when we take our walls down, we give other people permission to do the same.
What Life Looks Like Without Walls
Here’s what Mark helped me understand: we don’t even know what life could be until our walls are down.
When you stop living in a cubicle, incredible things become possible:
People can actually see you. Not the carefully curated version you present, but the real you. And when they see the real you, they can offer real support, real insight, real connection.
You can use your gifts fully. Instead of spending energy managing your image, you can focus on what you’re actually good at and passionate about.
Other people feel safe to be real too. When you show up authentically, you’re giving everyone around you permission to drop their own walls.
Conversations become transformative. Mark told me about his friend Kellen, who called him once just to say “Don’t stop doing what you’re doing.” Those four words became a lifeline Mark could return to during difficult times. But that kind of encouragement only happens when people can see what you’re actually working toward.
You discover you’re not alone. So many of the things we’re ashamed of, struggling with, or working through? Other people are dealing with the exact same stuff. But we’ll never know that if we keep pretending everything’s fine.
The Power of Being Seen
One of the most powerful moments in my conversation with Mark was when he shared what happens when he looks at a man across a restaurant table and simply says: “You’re a really great man.”
He told me every single time he’s done this, the man cries.
Why? Because most of us are walking around carrying this story that something’s wrong with us. We’ve made mistakes, we’ve had messy moments, life hasn’t gone according to plan. And somewhere along the way, we started believing that means we ARE a mess instead of understanding that we’ve just HAD some messes.
But when someone who truly sees us reflects back our worth? It changes everything.
I had my own version of this recently. I have a friend who’s a stay-at-home mom to two little girls. When I was leaving after spending the day with them, I looked at her and said, “I want you to know that you are such a phenomenal mother. I can see it in the girls – they’re so secure, so well-adjusted, so loved. You’re being incredibly stable for them, and I’m excited to see who they become.”
She got emotional and told me that as a stay-at-home mom, she never knows how she’s doing because it’s just her and the kids most days.
That’s the power of taking down walls – both giving and receiving that kind of truth.
In the full episode, Mark shares so many more examples of these transformative moments that happen when we stop hiding behind our carefully constructed images. The stories will make you want to immediately text someone in your life and tell them something true about who they are.
How to Start Taking Down Your Walls
I know what you’re thinking: “This sounds great, Alex, but how do I actually DO this? How do I take down walls I’ve spent years building?”
Mark’s approach is beautifully simple: just show up and be willing to see what could happen.
Start small:
- ▪️ Ask the person at the checkout counter how their day is going, then actually listen to the answer
- ▪️ When someone asks how you’re doing, try giving a real answer instead of “fine”
- ▪️ Share something you’re actually working on or struggling with instead of keeping everything surface-level
Look for opportunities to be real:
- ▪️ That moment when everyone’s pretending everything’s perfect? Be the person who acknowledges reality
- ▪️ When someone shares something vulnerable, don’t rush to change the subject – acknowledge what they’ve shared
- ▪️ Stop trying to have all the answers and be willing to say “I don’t know” or “I’m figuring it out too”
Remember: people want to use their gifts in your life. When you ask for help or share what you’re going through, you’re not burdening people. You’re giving them the opportunity to matter, to make a difference, to use what they’re good at.
The Truth About What People Actually Want
Here’s something Mark said that completely shifted my perspective: “People want to use their gifts in people’s lives.”
We spend so much time convinced that sharing our real selves is a burden. That our problems are too much. That nobody has time for our struggles or dreams.
But what if the opposite is true?
What if when you let someone help you, support you, or speak truth into your life, you’re actually giving them a gift? You’re saying “I trust you. I value what you have to offer. I believe you have something I need.”
Most people are walking around with incredible gifts, insights, and experiences that could help others. But they never get to use them because everyone’s too busy pretending they have it all figured out.
When you take down your walls, you’re not just helping yourself. You’re creating space for other people to be useful, to matter, to make a difference.
Your Turn to Break Down the Walls
So here’s what I actually want you to do this week: Pick one small wall to take down.
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ Answering “how are you?” with something real instead of “fine”
- ▪️ Sharing one thing you’re actually working on or struggling with
- ▪️ Asking someone a question that goes deeper than surface-level small talk
- ▪️ Telling someone something true about who they are and what you see in them
Remember: you don’t have to demolish every wall at once. Just pick one brick and start there.
The goal isn’t to overshare or make every interaction deeply emotional. It’s simply to stop living in that carefully constructed cubicle and start experiencing what becomes possible when people can actually see you.
Some questions to reflect on:
- ▪️ What walls have you built that you thought were protecting you but might actually be isolating you?
- ▪️ Who in your life deserves to see the real you instead of your carefully managed image?
- ▪️ What would become possible in your relationships if you stopped trying to look like you have everything figured out?
Ready to stop living in a cubicle? The complete episode with Mark goes so much deeper into these ideas, including his powerful insights about finding your purpose through connection with others, and why the people closest to you might be better guides than any famous expert.
[Listen to the full conversation here] and let me know – what’s one wall you’re ready to take down?
