“I just don’t think men can do this alone. Yes, gentlemen, if you’re listening to this, you need to be very active participants. But this whole conversation about sending you off to fix this problem, not actually going to help, we all have to be in this together.”
Okay, let’s get real for a second.
Last week I dropped a pretty heavy episode about the impossible catch-22 that men are facing when it comes to building genuine friendships and connections. (If you missed it, go listen to Episode 31 first – seriously, this will make so much more sense if you understand the depth of what we’re dealing with.)
And I know some of you walked away from that episode thinking, “Well, that’s depressing. Guess men just need to figure this out.”
But here’s the thing… that approach is exactly why we’re in this mess in the first place.
We keep treating men’s friendship struggles like it’s their problem to solve alone. We keep sending them off to men’s groups or therapy or telling them to “just be more vulnerable” without changing ANY of the systems or social dynamics that make vulnerability so risky for them in the first place.
And honestly? I’m calling BS on that whole approach.
Because here’s what I’ve realized: When men are trapped in systems that isolate them, it affects every single relationship and community they’re part of. Their partners become their only emotional outlet. Their kids don’t see models of healthy connection. Their communities lose out on their contributions.
This isn’t just men’s work. This is ALL of our work.
So today, I want to give you five concrete ways we can ALL start showing up differently to help rebuild men’s connections and bring them back into the fold of community. Because small actions add up, and we can’t keep waiting for someone else to fix this.
Why the “Men, Go Fix This Yourselves” Approach Isn’t Working
Before we dive into solutions, let’s acknowledge why the current approach is failing so spectacularly.
Right now, our society’s solution to men’s friendship struggles basically boils down to: “Men, you need better friendships. Go figure it out. Maybe try therapy or join a men’s group.”
And then we sit back and wonder why nothing changes.
Here’s the problem: relationships involve more than one person. You can’t build connection in isolation. You can’t practice vulnerability with people who aren’t willing to hold space for it. You can’t prioritize friendships if everyone around you is subtly (or not so subtly) telling you that’s not important.
As I said in the episode, awareness is key. We have to notice so we can make an impact. But we can’t just notice and then expect men to handle the rest alone.
We need to start paying attention to how WE’RE contributing to this problem:
- ▪️ When we shut down men’s attempts to connect emotionally
- ▪️ When we belittle their friendship activities (like fantasy football) instead of recognizing them as connection points
- ▪️ When we treat men’s friendships as less important than women’s friendships
- ▪️ When we expect their romantic partners to be their only source of emotional support
The truth is, we’ve all been trained by these systems. And if we want different outcomes, we ALL need to start acting differently.
The 5 Ways We ALL Need to Show Up
1. Stop Shutting Down Connection Opportunities
This is where awareness becomes action. We need to start catching ourselves in those moments where we’re unconsciously reinforcing the very systems that keep men isolated.
What this looks like in practice:
When someone tries to share something vulnerable or emotional, don’t shut them down. I don’t care if you think they “should” be talking to a therapist about it instead. Therapy is great – but those tools are supposed to be used in the real world, with real people.
Stop comparing men’s friendships to women’s friendships or romantic relationships. Yes, many men’s friendships currently aren’t as emotionally nourishing as they could be. But if we just dismiss them entirely, we’re not helping anyone grow.
A real example: My husband Michael is in a fantasy football league, and you would not believe how many people ask me, “Don’t you just hate that he does that? Isn’t it so annoying?”
Here’s the thing – I don’t like fantasy football myself. But I LOVE that Michael plays fantasy football. Because it’s a connection point for him and so many friends. It’s a reason they message each other back and forth. It’s how they eventually get to asking how someone’s week is going or how the new job is.
If they didn’t have that consistent touchpoint, they might never get to the actual connection. So when people try to belittle this activity, I have to constantly tell them that I actually think it’s important because it connects him with friends.
Your action step: Start noticing when you want to shut down or dismiss someone’s attempt at connection. Catch yourself. Ask a follow-up question instead.
2. Start Talking About This Stuff Out Loud
We cannot keep silently doing the emotional labor of maintaining relationships and expecting men to just figure it out through osmosis.
What this looks like in practice:
Start having conversations about social connection as valuable and important. Talk about what you’re actually doing to maintain your relationships. Discuss how much work it is, how those relationships support your life, what vital roles they play.
I heard someone call this “social capital” recently – and I think that’s perfect. We’re investing in social capital, not just money. But if we don’t talk about this investment openly, how is anyone supposed to learn?
Here’s what I mean: How ARE you maintaining relationships? What does it actually look like when you:
- ▪️ Remember someone’s important work presentation and follow up about it
- ▪️ Notice when a friend seems off and create space for them to talk
- ▪️ Coordinate group gatherings and handle all the logistics
- ▪️ Navigate conflict and uncomfortable conversations
- ▪️ Show up during someone’s crisis
This is skilled work. It’s valuable work. And we need to start talking about it.
Your action step: Have these conversations not just with your closest people, but with your broader community – friend groups, coworkers, anyone you’re connected to. When you do this, you’re creating a culture where social connection is prioritized.
If you want to understand WHY these conversations are so crucial, Episode 31 breaks down the three systems that have created these impossible boxes for men. The context will help you understand why simply telling someone to “be more vulnerable” without changing the social dynamics is setting them up to fail.
3. Decide That Connection Is a Shared Priority
This is especially important for couples and families, but it applies to friend groups and communities too.
What this looks like in practice:
Stop treating friendship like it’s competing with your romantic relationship or family time. Start treating it like something that SUPPORTS your relationship and family.
A real example from my life: For Michael and me, friendship is actually a family priority. This shows up in concrete ways:
- ▪️ If we have to choose between a friend’s birthday and a date night, the default is NOT date night. We have a conversation, and they’re given equal weight.
- ▪️ We’re allowed to pick a friend over each other for certain things. Michael might invite a friend who actually likes football to a football game instead of me. I’m not the default.
- ▪️ We tell each other when we can’t be “the person” for something. Recently, something big happened in our life, and I said to Michael, “This is a lot on you. You’re emotionally overwhelmed. I can’t be the only person you’re coming to for support. You have to tell our friends what’s happening. You need more people checking in on you than just me.”
This allows us as a couple to prioritize the friendships that support us as individuals AND as a couple. We pour into them, and we let them pour back into us.
Another example: I have friends with two kids who sat down and decided that building community was important for their whole family. They realized it’s not “you versus me” when it comes to friendship time – it’s “us versus the problem.”
They both had activities and interests the other person didn’t enjoy. So they made a plan: they would both join groups where they could meet people who shared those interests. They allocated time for this. They talked about the long-term vision – finding people they could do these activities with, bonus points if those people had kids too.
Your action step: Have an actual conversation about how social connection fits into your life priorities. If you’re in a relationship or have a family, negotiate time and resources accordingly.
4. Practice Reintegrating Everyone Together
We need to stop operating like there’s a “men’s domain” and a “women’s domain.” We’re all part of the same communities.
What this looks like in practice:
When you’re in mixed groups, don’t automatically separate by gender. If you find yourself in separate conversations, make it a point to mix it up. Go sit with the other group and join their conversation.
Make it a point to befriend ALL the people in your friend group, not just the ones who are “like you.”
Here’s a test: If you were left alone in a room with any person in your friend group, could you easily slip into a conversation? Or would you feel awkward because you don’t actually know anything about them?
I can talk to any of my friends about SOMETHING – even if they’re not my closest friend, I have some sense of what shared interests we have. But that’s because I’ve been intentional about figuring out what those topics are.
A crucial point for men specifically: Don’t let yourself become the guy who realizes after a divorce that you had no actual friends – just your wife’s friends’ husbands. Build real relationships with everyone in your community.
Your action step: Pick one person in your broader friend group that you don’t know well. Make it a goal to find at least one thing you can genuinely talk to them about.
5. Create Space for Emotional Honesty (And Actually Hold It)
This is where the rubber meets the road. We can’t say we want men to be more emotionally open and then get uncomfortable when they actually try.
What this looks like in practice:
When someone shares something vulnerable, stay open. Ask follow-up questions. Don’t immediately try to fix it or change the subject.
A real example: Just this weekend, a friend of a friend came over who was dealing with some really intense life stuff. He wanted to talk about it with his guy friend, but where he actually ended up having a full conversation about his feelings was with our friend’s wife. She created space, asked questions, and let him process.
Had she shut it down because “that’s not my job” or “that’s emotional labor,” he never would have had that opportunity.
Another example: I have a friend who told me he doesn’t have a single female friend outside of his wife. He wasn’t sure what it was like to have a friend where he could just be honest about how he’s feeling, that he’s been pretty depressed recently.
When I sat there and created space – asked questions, gave him time to open up – what I found is what I always find when I do this for guy friends: they just start flooding. It comes out so fast because they need this space so much.
If more of us were doing this, it wouldn’t just be his wife and me. Maybe he would have 10 other people he felt like he could be honest with. And that would change everything.
Your action step: The next time someone tries to share something real with you, resist the urge to shut it down or redirect. Ask one genuine follow-up question and see what happens.
For the Men Who Are Ready to Take Action
Gentlemen, if you’re reading this, you probably already know this matters. You don’t want to keep living in isolation. So here are some specific actions you can start taking:
Make it a goal to ask for help once a month. Start small, but start somewhere.
Listen for when someone in your life needs help and offer it. Then follow through.
Figure out who you can start practicing emotional honesty with. Have a conversation with them: “Hey, I’m working on not just pretending I’m fine all the time.” Start going to them – even with small stuff like “this week has been really hard with work.”
Schedule time for friendship like you would anything else important. Put it on your calendar. Treat it like training for a marathon – you wouldn’t skip training runs, so don’t skip friend time.
Before you go to any gathering, decide: is this leisure time or connection time? If it’s connection time, ask at least one real question about the other person’s life. Try to walk away feeling more connected.
Most importantly: lean into being someone who impacts relationships. Be the person who sends the invite. Be the person who asks how someone’s really doing and then sits down without distractions to listen.
Why This Actually Works
I know this might all sound overwhelming. But here’s what I want you to remember: small actions add up.
We don’t go from starting our investment account to being ready to retire overnight. It’s a plan with small investments over time that hits that end goal. Friendship and community work the same way.
A real example of what’s possible: Recently, we were at a friend’s house – two couples just sitting around. Our guy friend suddenly said, “Let’s go around and tell each person five things we appreciate about them.”
This wasn’t alcohol talking. We weren’t in some special setting. He just… suggested it. And instead of making fun of him, we all said, “Yeah, let’s do it.”
What came out was about an hour of us saying really thoughtful things to each other. I got to tell him how much I admired his passion for his career and his curiosity. I got to acknowledge that having known him for 15 years, he NEVER would have made a suggestion like this in college. He barely talked to me back then.
But now? He’s sitting in a room saying, “Why don’t we all talk about what we care about in each other?” Because he knows the three people in that room are safe. Because we’ve had dozens of conversations building up to this moment. Because he’s learned he can be honest about his feelings here.
That’s what’s possible when we ALL start showing up differently.
The complete episode dives so much deeper into the specific logistics of making this work – from how to negotiate time and priorities in relationships to exactly what these conversations sound like when you’re trying to change the culture of a friendship. There are so many practical examples that I think will help you figure out how to apply this in your own life.
The Alternative We’re Already Living
Here’s what I want you to consider: we already know what the alternative looks like.
Currently, the state of men’s friendships is pretty much rock bottom. And that’s showing up in lower life expectancy, alarming suicide rates, mental health crises, divorce rates – you name it.
But beyond those statistics, think about the individual moments: the man who gets divorced and realizes he has no actual friends. The guy who loses his job and has no network to call on. The father whose spouse gets a life-changing illness and he doesn’t know how to care for them or who to ask for help.
We’re living in the bad alternative for a lot of people right now.
Although this topic might seem overwhelming, I think pretty much anything can be better than where we are. And the way to get there isn’t going to be some overnight transformation. It’s going to be all of us putting our time, energy, and attention into this and taking small actions that add up over time.
There Is Hope
I want to end with this: I do have hope.
If you don’t have examples in your life of men who have solid friendships and are changing the status quo, I see examples every day that give me hope. In my own life, with my guy friends, with people who are listening to this podcast.
I think we can get people on board. I think this can be different. We just can’t get discouraged that it takes time.
But it starts with all of us – not just men – deciding that this matters. That connection isn’t a luxury, it’s survival. That we’re all responsible for creating communities where people can show up authentically and be supported.
The systems that created this problem didn’t appear overnight, and they won’t disappear overnight. But every time we choose connection over isolation, every time we create space for someone to be real, every time we prioritize relationships as valuable and important – we’re building something different.
And honestly? That gives me so much hope.
Here’s what I actually want you to do: Pick ONE of these five areas and commit to trying it this week. Just one. Notice what happens when you start showing up differently.
Ready to understand the full picture? If you haven’t listened to Episode 31 yet, go there first to understand the three systems that created this mess. Then come back to this episode for the action steps.
Subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you listen to podcasts, because this conversation is far from over. We’re going to keep talking about how to build the kinds of communities where everyone – men, women, and everyone in between – can show up authentically and be supported.
Reflection Question: How are you maintaining the closest relationships and friendships in your life? What small actions are you taking to have these relationships support your life? And more importantly – how can you start showing up differently to support the people around you who might be struggling to connect?
