You know that friend.
The one that sometimes pops into your mind at 2 am and you think: What if we hadn’t lost touch?
Or maybe you’re like me.
Maybe there are places you go.
You drive past the apartment they used to live in. You see the car they used to drive.
Maybe you’re going to lunch somewhere you used to always go with that friend you lost touch with.
And suddenly these memories come flooding back.
And you just think to yourself: What would it be like if we were still talking?
What would it be like if they were here?
Why did we lose touch?
Or maybe… maybe it really stings. Maybe it hurts really, really bad.
We’ve talked about friendship breakups like that before. (Go back and listen to Episode 25.)
The Thing About Friendships That End
I’ve talked about this idea before: No matter what, as much as we like to think our friendships are done (that they end at a certain point) it’s not really the case.
If we use my roots of friendship metaphor:
When you pull a plant out of a pot, some roots still get left behind.
That’s kind of how I feel about a friendship that got away.
There are still those lingering memories and moments. Places and people that bring back thoughts of them.
And I think that’s completely normal.
As much as the dialogue out there is like: “Oh well, the friendship is done.”
We all know that’s not the case.
We all know those thoughts linger.
Context: The Thoughts We Have About Friendships
The past couple of weeks, I’ve been talking about the thoughts we have in relation to our friendships.
Two weeks ago, I talked about the thoughts I have (that YOU have) about MYSELF as a friend.
Sometimes they’re nice thoughts.
But in that episode, I specifically talked about what I call the friendship guilt spiral.
Where sometimes I say really mean stuff about myself. And I know a lot of us do that.
We think about what we should have done. Or should have said. Or how we’re a bad friend.
“If I had done X instead of Y, that’s what a good friend would do.”
And once we start having those negative thoughts, it’s very easy for them to spiral and get all-consuming.
And then it’s harder to take action.
Last week, I talked more about the negative thoughts we have about our FRIENDS.
Not about ourselves, but about our friends.
I hope you’re having nice thoughts: that you’re grateful, that you love them.
But I talked about the universal feeling that sometimes they just drive us a little crazy.
Every friendship has its pet peeves. Those things we say in our head: I can’t believe they’re doing that again.
And it just grates on our nerves.
Which Brings Me to This Week
This week, we’re talking about the friend who got away.
The regrets we have. Maybe the reality checks about the state of this friendship.
And why some friendships just seem to haunt us.
Those thoughts we just can’t shake. Maybe even years later.
The Five Types of “Friend Who Got Away”
I think there are a variety of types of friends who got away.
I’m sure there are more than I’ll cover. But here are the main ones:
Type 1: The Slow Fade
I think a really common one is that friendship where it was just a slow fade.
There wasn’t any big fight. No drama. No blow-up.
The friendship just… faded.
Why It Happens
I think it can fade for a few reasons.
One: A lot of things have shifted in your friendship. A lot of your roots have changed. Your connection points.
Two: A lot of people aren’t very good at friendship admin. At being consistent about reaching out and checking in.
It’s really easy for life to just get in the way.
We’re busy.
And the more adult you become, the more you add. The more responsibilities you have.
Suddenly, between:
- ▪️ Taking care of maybe a partner or a family
- ▪️ Some pets
- ▪️ Work responsibilities
- ▪️ Medical issues
- ▪️ Caregiving for other people in your life
As that adds on, and you have more and more of those…
It’s just life.
And slowly, somebody you might have talked to daily… weekly… at least regularly…
You realize it’s been maybe some years.
What You Can Do (Or Not)
Now, this is always the point where I say: You can just reach out.
I’ve done it. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
If you feel the call to, I would say do it. What’s the harm?
The friendship’s already faded. You might be able to reinvigorate it.
But that’s a choice.
You might also just be like: It’s okay. We’ve moved on.
That’s fine too.
Type 2: The Misunderstanding
Another type of friend who got away is the friend with whom you had a misunderstanding.
Something was said or done. It created a rift in the friendship.
And instead of facing it head-on, no one brought it up.
Or maybe you tried to have that conversation, and it did not go well.
That culture of conflict that I mentioned in last week’s episode? That was not there in this friendship.
And it was just too much.
But you can look back and kind of pinpoint what happened.
When You Don’t Even Know What Happened
Or maybe (I’ve had a friendship like this) you know there was a rift, but you don’t actually know what it was.
I can’t get an answer. I’ve asked many times. Believe me.
And that one? Man. Dagger to the heart.
It’s a hard one.
I see you if that’s happened to you.
Type 3: Different Life Paths
Another type is kind of that “different life paths” friend.
Now I talk a lot about this in my ” Roots of Friendship ” episodes.
This idea that when life paths change, you have to build new roots.
You have to build new ways you stay connected. Ways you spend time together. Things you talk about.
My Example: Friends With Kids
One place I’ve talked about this a lot: with friends of mine who have had kids, even though I don’t have any right now.
It’s been a lot of work for us to figure out new ways to spend time together.
To make sure we’re staying engaged enough in each other’s lives that we’re asking important questions. Good questions.
Even though we aren’t having the same experiences every day.
The Work Required
I know I’m having to navigate building ways I hang out with friends.
Building roots (shared experience roots), where it balances out my time.
Like: hang out with my friend who’s a mom alone.
But also: hang out with her and her kids.
The dynamics are different. Just like it’s different if I hang out with her and her spouse.
Navigating all that (as you’re listening to it) is WORK.
And some people? That just doesn’t happen.
Or it doesn’t go very smoothly.
And as soon as it’s bumpy, you don’t push through.
It’s very easy for a friendship like that to feel like a friend who got away.
Type 4: “Meant to Reach Out But Never Did”
The last type I’m going to mention: The “meant to reach out but never did” friend.
You might be thinking: Well, that sounds like the slow-fade friend.
But in my mind, this is actually somebody you might still see regularly.
The Difference
You might have been really, really good friends previously. Maybe a decade ago. A few years ago. Whatever.
And you were kind of that slow fade friend.
But you still see each other now.
So maybe you’re members of the same community. You live in the same area you grew up in.
You moved away, you came back. You see each other all the time.
You used to be amazing friends.
But a lot of your roots (the ways you spend time together, the things you know about each other’s present life) all of that’s faded away.
The Grocery Store Conversation
So maybe you see each other at community events. At the grocery store. At a local school concert.
And you say hi.
And it’s always this: “Yeah, we really should get together and catch up.”
And in the moment, you both sound like you really do want to do this.
Why It Never Happens
But what I think happens here: The overwhelm of actually having to do the work to rebuild a new, fresh connection is almost too much for people.
So even though it’s enticing (maybe it’s intriguing to consider building a new version of this friendship) it just never happens.
Never happens.
There are five types of “friend who got away” and each one hits differently. Listen to the full episode to hear all five and what you can do about each one.
Why These Friendships Haunt Us
The thing about all of these types: For their own reasons, they might haunt us a little bit.
Or if you don’t like the word “haunt” (maybe it’s not a bad thing) they might stick with you. They might linger.
And I think there’s a lot of stuff going on here.
The Nostalgia Factor
One thing to note: When those friendships fade, there can be a lot of nostalgia for the previous version of the friendship.
There can be a sense of nostalgia when I’m driving in my car and see a friend’s car I used to be really close with.
And I wish I could go back to the time when we were 22, and we had that version of our friendship.
My Example: The Gold Ford Ranger
Let’s say (just for the sake of this example) this is a “meant to reach out but never did” friend.
I see this car. It’s not my friend’s car anymore. But I see the car out and about.
I actually saw a friend’s car yesterday. A gold Ford Ranger.
And it brought me back.
I recorded it on my phone, actually. Because I was like, “Wow, it even has a dent. I wonder if that’s her car.“
(Now, this is not a friend I’ve lost touch with. But it brought me back.)
But let’s say it IS a friend. That “meant to reach out but never did” friend. Someone I run into at the grocery store all the time.
The Tension
I think some of the reasons this can really linger with us: We have so much nostalgia.
And that might be what we even talk about at the grocery store.
Like: “Hey, I saw so-and-so. Do you remember that time we drove around all night blaring music? Just the three of us in the car?”
That is beautiful and wonderful. And I love when we all have that history.
But then it can be hard to separate the reality:
We don’t have an actual connection in our present lives.
I don’t really know anything about them. I don’t know where they live now. Or their partner. Or their kids. Or any of the things.
Now, you COULD build that connection. But it’s not currently there like it once was.
Why It Sticks
And that sticks with us.
Because you’re like: Why didn’t we keep that friendship alive?
That might be what you say to yourself.
Or you might be like, “Wow, I’m so happy I moved on from that friendship. It’s really not good for me.“
Whatever it is. All I’m trying to say here is: let it be.
Permission to Let It Be
Take the action if you want to. And if not, don’t give yourself any labels.
It’s so natural for friendships to go through these ebbs and flows. Ups and downs. Changes.
It’s okay to just run into someone at the grocery store, have five minutes of nostalgia, appreciate what your friendship once was, and say:
Wow, I really love that I had that when I was in my young 20s.
And then just move on.
That’s okay.
The Friendship Guilt Connection
Because I think a lot of the time, when we have these regrets, they connect back to the friendship guilt episode I did.
Because so much of that (when these friendships go) pay attention to your inner thoughts.
There’s a very strong message out there that you’re a “better friend” (I’m doing air quotes right now) if you can keep friends for a long time.
I think in recent years, we’re seeing more messaging reminding us: That’s okay. We can make new friends for our current life.
But sometimes those beliefs are buried deep in our subconscious.
And if that’s the case, are you guilt-tripping yourself?
Thinking: I’m a bad friend because I couldn’t keep that friendship alive.
Let that go.
What Actually Matters
The only thing that matters: You have friendships that feel supportive to you in your current phase of life.
It is okay if other friendships faded away.
And it’s also okay if you put in the work and rebuild a new version of that old friendship.
Because so much of friendship is about timing.
It’s about building these roots that support the current version of ourselves.
That we can connect in ways that don’t feel like:
Oh wow, I’m having to pretend I’m the 22-year-old version of myself when I hang out with this friend.
That gets exhausting.
That was beautiful then. But that is not what you need now.
So let the timing feel natural.
Wondering whether to reach out or let go? Tune into the complete episode for the two-part feeling check that helps you decide.
How to Know When to Try vs When to Let Go
Something I get asked all the time: How do I know when to keep trying in a friendship versus when to let go?
And this is so hard, because it’s so specific to every single friendship.
I don’t even know how to give a blanket answer.
The Two-Part Feeling Check
But I guess what I would tell you is: It’s a feeling. And that feeling is kind of two parts.
Part 1: Do YOU Want to Do the Work?
If you do the work, do you see a version of this friendship that feels positive in your life in its current iteration?
Could you get there?
Not just because you should. Not because you’ve been friends forever. Not because you’re in the same season of life.
Forget the shoulds.
Do you think it can get there?
Part 2: Do THEY Want to Do the Work?
Do you think they want to put in the work?
Has there been any indication?
And sometimes it’s worth just putting it out there. Actually putting in a little bit of effort.
But if it’s not reciprocated? That’s okay. Let it go.
Where to Direct Your Energy
Because at the end of the day, whether you reinvigorate an old friendship or build a new friendship, it’s all effort and energy and emotional labor.
And you can direct that wherever feels most aligned to you.
The Mourning Period
Now, the other place you’re going to have to direct effort and energy: The mourning period.
There’s a grieving period to letting friendships go.
Finding some peace with the fact that that friendship is not in your life anymore.
It is in a totally different version than it once was. It feels different now.
Whatever new state this friendship is in: Allow yourself the time to feel sad.
That’s okay.
What Every Friendship Teaches You
While you go through that period (or maybe more towards the end, it’s up to you) I like to say:
Every past friendship taught us something.
Whether it’s about ourselves. About the world. About who we want to be. About what’s possible.
There are so many lessons you could learn from a friendship.
So even if it ended, it’s not a failure.
It wasn’t a waste of your time. It wasn’t not worth your energy.
Look for what you can take with you into your future friendships.
And really hold on to that.
Because you did learn something. And that is going to be worthwhile in the community you are creating and investing in.
A Final Word on Friend Breakups
I just want to close this episode by saying:
If you have experienced any sort of friendship loss, ending, grief, or breakup. That crap is hard.
It is hard.
And we don’t give enough grace to people going through that.
You know, you can say you’re having a romantic breakup. People understand you’re hunkered down at home, deep in your grief.
If you have a friend breakup? I just don’t think it’s treated the same way.
And sometimes I actually think we might have had our friends for way longer. Or been connected in way more ways.
Take Care of Yourself
So just take care of yourself.
If that’s you, I’m sending you love.
Wondering if you should try to reconnect? Ask yourself the two questions: (1) Do YOU want to do the work and can you see a positive version? (2) Do THEY want to? If you’re not sure, put in a little effort. If it’s not reciprocated, you have your answer.
Going through a friend breakup right now? Listen to Episode 25 about friendship breakups. And know: it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to be hunkered down at home. Friend breakups are HARD. Take care of yourself.
If a friend who got away has been on your mind, listen to the full episode here for permission to feel what you’re feeling and guidance on what to do next.
