I need to tell you about something that happened in a coffee shop yesterday.
I was waiting for my order, and these three moms were sitting at the table next to me. One of them was talking about how her elementary school daughter wanted to set up more playdates with her friends, but coordinating with other parents was turning into this whole production.
And then she said something that made me freeze mid-scroll: “I mean, it’s not like they’re going to be friends with these kids when they’re 40, so… maybe it’s not worth all the effort.”
The other moms nodded sympathetically. The conversation moved on. And I just stood there thinking: Wait. Did she just say that?
Because here’s what I heard in that one sentence: “These friendships don’t matter because they probably won’t last forever.”
And if THAT’S the message we’re sending our kids, even unintentionally, we’ve got a problem.
The Beliefs We Don’t Even Know We’re Teaching
Here’s the uncomfortable truth I learned from talking with Pam Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and former K-8 school counselor: We’re constantly projecting our own friendship experiences, fears, and insecurities onto our kids.
And most of us have no idea we’re doing it.
Pam told me something that stopped me in my tracks: “It’s really important for anyone who deals with kids to take a look at their own experiences with friends, because we often project our own experiences or our fears and insecurities onto our kids.”
Think about it. If you were bullied as a kid, you might be hypervigilant about any sign your child is being excluded. If you loved big friend groups, you might push your introverted kid toward parties they hate. If you felt like friendships always ended badly, you might unconsciously teach your kids not to invest too deeply.
And none of this is conscious. We’re not sitting around thinking, “How can I mess up my kid’s friendships today?” We’re just… operating from our own unexamined stories.
The Subtle Ways We Minimize Kids’ Friendships
Let me give you some examples of things I’ve heard parents say things that sound reasonable on the surface but are actually sending some pretty problematic messages:
“Well, you’re going to college in a few years and make a whole new set of friends anyway.”
Said to a high school kid whose best friend is moving across the country. Translation: These friendships aren’t worth maintaining long-distance. Don’t bother learning how.
“It’s just their little friends.”
Said dismissively about elementary school friendships. Translation: Kid friendships aren’t as important as adult friendships. They don’t really count.
“They’ll figure it out.”
Said when a child is struggling with friend drama. Translation: You’re on your own. Friendship skills aren’t worth teaching.
“You just need ONE good friend.”
Said to a kid who’s perfectly happy with their small circle. Translation: There’s a “right” way to have friends, and you need to fit that mold.
Here’s what’s wild: We’d never say these kinds of things about other developmental skills. We don’t say, “Well, you’re probably not going to use algebra when you’re 40, so why bother learning it?” or “They’ll figure out how to read on their own.”
But with friendship? We minimize it. We assume it’ll just… happen. Or that it doesn’t matter as much as other things.
And our kids are listening.
Your Friendship Story Is Becoming Their Friendship Story
Pam works with parents all the time who are struggling with their kids’ friendship issues. And almost every time, when they dig deeper, it comes back to the parents’ own childhood experiences.
“When you operate out of fear like that,” Pam explained, “you tend to interfere more with whatever is going on with your kids and make it harder for them to figure out their relationships on their own.”
I’ve seen this play out in some pretty intense ways:
- ▪️ A parent who was bullied in preschool didn’t want to send their kid to preschool at all
- ▪️ A parent who lost touch with all their high school friends convinced their college freshman that high school friendships “don’t matter.”
- ▪️ A parent who thrived in big groups couldn’t understand why their introverted kid was miserable at parties
None of these parents were trying to harm their kids. They were just unconsciously passing down their own unexamined beliefs about how friendship works.
In the full episode with Pam, we go much deeper into how to identify your specific friendship patterns and beliefs. Including some questions you can ask yourself to uncover the stories you might be unconsciously passing down to your kids. If you’re realizing you might have some baggage to unpack here, the conversation will give you a roadmap for where to start.
The Most Powerful Thing You Can Do: Model It
Okay, so if we’re all walking around with friendship baggage, what do we actually DO about it?
Pam’s answer was beautifully simple: Model what healthy friendship looks like.
Not perfect friendship. Not Instagram-worthy friendship. Just… real, authentic, imperfect friendship.
“You want to make sure that you are showing your kids what healthy, respectful, mutual friendship looks like as adults,” Pam told me. “And even talking about when things aren’t going great in a friendship. Show your kids how you deal with that.”
This reminded me of something a listener once told me. Her family realized that Dad had no friends. Not because he was antisocial, but because work and raising young kids had taken priority for years, and friendship had just… slipped away.
So they made it a family project. “This is the year Dad makes friends.”
They talked about it at dinner. They adjusted their schedule so Dad could go on hikes with potential friends. When Mom had a crazy week and Dad needed to go on a guys’ trip, they talked openly about prioritizing it because friendship matters.
They made friendship a family value, not just something that happens by accident.
And you know what? Those kids are learning something profound: Connection requires intentional effort. It’s worth rearranging your schedule for. It’s okay to prioritize it over other things sometimes.
That’s modeling.
What Modeling Actually Looks Like (Hint: It’s Messy)
Here’s what modeling friendship does NOT look like:
- ▪️ Having a picture-perfect friend group
- ▪️ Never having conflict
- ▪️ Always being available
- ▪️ Pretending everything is easy
Here’s what it DOES look like:
Talking about your friendships openly. “I’m going to Sarah’s house tonight because she’s having a hard week and needs someone to talk to.”
Showing the work it takes. “I need to call Jamie back. We’ve been playing phone tag for two weeks, but I really want to catch up with her.”
Being honest about challenges. “Rachel said something that hurt my feelings yesterday. I’m going to talk to her about it this weekend.”
Demonstrating repair. “Remember when I was upset with my friend last week? We talked it through, and I understand her perspective better now.”
Making it a priority. “This weekend I’m going away with my friends. Yes, it means Dad’s handling everything solo, but this trip is important to me.”
One thing Pam said that really stuck with me: “Even I would say, talking about when things aren’t going great in a friendship… show your kids how you deal with that. Hopefully in a mature and loving way.”
Because here’s the thing: if your kids only see the highlight reel, they’ll think friendship should always be easy. And when it’s not (which it won’t be), they’ll think something’s wrong with them or their friends.
The Skills Kids Actually Need (That We’re Not Teaching)
Pam spent years as a school counselor, and you know what most kids came to her about? Friendship struggles.
“This one said this, and this one did that.” Sound familiar?
The problem? Kids aren’t born knowing how to make friends or be friends. We have to teach them.
And most of us aren’t doing that. We’re just assuming they’ll figure it out.
Here are the specific skills Pam says kids need:
1. Listening (Really Listening)
Not just waiting for their turn to talk. Actually hearing what someone else is saying.
Pam used to play games with kindergarteners: “I’m going to talk for one minute, and you’re just going to listen. Then you’ll tell me what you heard.”
Simple. But powerful.
2. Showing Interest in Others
Pam told her students: “Spend less time trying to be interesting and more time being interested.”
When someone asks you questions and genuinely wants to know about you? That’s magnetic. Kids need to learn how to do that.
3. Empathy
Seeing things from someone else’s point of view. Understanding that your friend might be acting weird because their family is moving, not because they suddenly hate you.
This doesn’t come naturally to kids. It has to be taught and practiced.
4. Problem-Solving
This one’s HUGE. Pam introduced me to something called the “wheel of choices,” and honestly, I think some adults need this, too.
The Wheel of Choices (That Might Change Everything)
Here’s what Pam noticed as a school counselor: Kids were constantly running to teachers to solve their problems for them. They didn’t know how to work things out themselves.
So she started teaching them about the wheel of choices – a tool that gives kids nine different options for handling conflicts.
First, she’d teach them the difference between a small problem and a big problem:
Small problem: Something annoying or frustrating that you can handle yourself. (Your friend wants to play a different game than you do.)
Big problem: Something that requires adult help, usually a safety concern. (Someone is being physically hurt.)
Then, for small problems, kids could look at the wheel and choose:
- ▪️ Take turns
- ▪️ Play rock, paper, scissors
- ▪️ Find a third alternative
- ▪️ Talk it out
- ▪️ Make a request
- ▪️ Walk away and cool off
- ▪️ Ignore it
- ▪️ Share
- ▪️ Apologize
The full episode includes more details about how to actually implement the wheel of choices with your kids, plus Pam shares specific scripts and scenarios that make this practical rather than theoretical. If you’re thinking “okay, but HOW do I actually teach this?” the episode will answer that question.
Imagine if your kid came home from a playdate and instead of complaining that their friend wouldn’t share, they said: “We both wanted to play different games, so we took turns.”
That’s empowerment. That’s skill-building. That’s preparing them for a lifetime of navigating relationships.
Being Okay With Your Kid’s Negative Emotions
Here’s something Pam said that made me sit back and really think:
“When we as parents get upset that they’re upset, it doesn’t help the situation.”
Your kid is going to experience friend drama. Disappointment. Rejection. Frustration. Hurt feelings.
And as much as we want to protect them from all of that… we can’t. And honestly? We shouldn’t.
“It’s okay that our kids are having these maybe not-so-great experiences with friends,” Pam explained. “They’re going to get through it. Each one can be just a learning experience.”
She compared it to dating. Her friend, who’s been on tons of dates, now knows exactly what she wants in a relationship… because of all the experiences that didn’t work out.
It’s the same with friendship. Each experience, good or bad, teaches our kids something about themselves, about how they want to be treated, about what they’re looking for in friends.
But here’s the key: We have to validate their feelings without making it a crisis that needs immediate fixing.
You can say: “That sounds really hard. I can see why you’re upset.”
Instead of: “Oh no! This is terrible! What are we going to do?”
You can be empathetic without taking on their emotions as your own emergency.
The Pattern One Mom Noticed (And How She Helped Break It)
Pam shared something vulnerable about her own daughter, which I think will resonate with many parents.
Starting in fifth or sixth grade, her daughter would become really close with one friend. Then another person would join their duo, making it a trio. And her daughter would start feeling excluded, not because she was being excluded, but because she’d create this whole story in her mind about how the other two liked each other more.
So she’d withdraw. And then she’d lose that friend group.
This happened three years in a row with different people.
“I watched it all happen,” Pam told me. “I was there for her. She was sad and upset. But at one point, I said to her: ‘You know, this is what I’ve noticed.’ And I explained what I was seeing, not in a judgmental way, but just like, ‘Isn’t this interesting? This seems to be a pattern.’”
Since then, her daughter has found a group where she feels comfortable and herself, not trying to compete with anybody.
But here’s what I love about this story: Pam didn’t try to fix it for her. She didn’t call the other parents or intervene with the friend groups. She just… noticed. And at the right moment, she gently pointed out the pattern.
That’s the kind of observation and reflection our kids need from us. Not rescuing. Not fixing. Just paying attention and, when appropriate, helping them see patterns they might not notice themselves.
The Dinner Table Conversations That Matter
One thing that came up repeatedly in my conversation with Pam: These can’t be one-time talks. They need to be ongoing conversations.
Not lectures. Not formal sit-downs. Just… regular check-ins woven into everyday life.
In the car: “How are things going with your friends lately?”
At dinner: “What do you think makes someone a good friend?”
After a playdate: “I noticed you and Jordan were having trouble deciding what to play. How did you work that out?”
When they’re upset: “That sounds frustrating. What do you think you could do about it?”
The goal isn’t to solve everything for them. It’s to create a culture where friendship is something you talk about openly: the good parts and the hard parts.
Because when friendship is a normal topic of conversation, kids learn that:
- ▪️ It’s okay to struggle sometimes
- ▪️ There are tools and strategies for working through challenges
- ▪️ You’re there to support them, not rescue them
- ▪️ Friendship is important enough to invest time and energy in
What About Different Friendship Styles?
Here’s something important that Pam pointed out: Not every kid is going to have the same friendship style.
Her older daughter is super extroverted, loves big groups, makes friends easily, and always meets new people.
Her younger daughter is the opposite. Very introverted. Takes a while to warm up. Has one or two very close friends, and that’s perfect for her.
“Studies have shown that even having one friend significantly improves a child’s emotional health and school performance,” Pam told me.
So if your kid isn’t the social butterfly you were (or wish you were), that’s okay. The question isn’t “Do they have a lot of friends?”
The question is: “Do they have the friendships THEY want? Does it feel good to them?”
This goes back to examining your own beliefs. If you loved having a huge friend group, you might unconsciously push your kid toward that… even if it’s not what they need.
The Work You Need to Do First
Okay, we’ve talked about a lot of strategies and skills. But Pam kept coming back to one thing:
“Your own mindset around this stuff is going to be the most important thing. The way that you’re going to show up for your kids is dependent on how you are in your own mind first.”
Before you try to teach your kids anything, before you implement the wheel of choices or start having dinner table conversations, you need to do some reflection:
What was YOUR experience with friendship as a kid?
- ▪️ Were you bullied? Left out? Part of a tight-knit group?
- ▪️ Did you struggle to make friends, or did it come easily?
- ▪️ What stories did you create about yourself based on those experiences?
What are your current beliefs about friendship?
- ▪️ Do you think friendship should be easy?
- ▪️ Do you believe real friends are hard to find?
- ▪️ Are you comfortable with conflict in friendships?
- ▪️ Do you think you need a lot of friends or just a few close ones?
What fears are you carrying?
- ▪️ Are you afraid your kid will be lonely?
- ▪️ Are you worried they’ll be bullied like you were?
- ▪️ Do you fear they’re too introverted/extroverted?
- ▪️ Are you anxious about them being “different”?
And here’s the big one: When you have a strong reaction to something happening with your kid’s friendships, can you pause and ask yourself: “Is this about them, or is this about me?”
In the full episode, Pam and I go much deeper into this self-reflection work, and she shares some specific questions and frameworks that can help you untangle your own friendship story from your kids’. If you’re realizing you have some beliefs to examine, the episode will give you a place to start.
Your Kids Are Learning From Your Silence Too
Here’s something I’ve been thinking about since talking with Pam:
If we’re not talking about friendship openly, if we’re minimizing it, dismissing it, or just staying silent about it, our kids are still learning something.
They’re learning that friendship isn’t important enough to discuss. That it’s not valuable enough to prioritize. Those struggles should be handled alone. That asking for help is weak.
But when we make friendship a regular topic of conversation? When we model doing the work? When we’re honest about the challenges and the repairs?
We’re teaching them that connection is worth investing in. Those relationships take effort. That it’s okay to struggle and seek support. Friendship is a skill you can develop, not just something you’re born with or without.
Where to Start (Without Overwhelming Yourself)
If you’re reading this and feeling like “Oh god, I’ve been doing everything wrong,” take a breath.
You haven’t. I promise.
The fact that you’re here, reading this, thinking about this stuff? That already puts you ahead of most parents who just assume friendship will work itself out.
Here’s where to start:
This week, just notice.
- ▪️ What do you say (or not say) about your kids’ friendships?
- ▪️ What do you say about your own friendships?
- ▪️ When do you have strong reactions to their friendship situations?
- ▪️ What beliefs might be driving those reactions?
Next week, start a conversation.
- ▪️ At dinner, ask: “What do you think makes someone a good friend?”
- ▪️ In the car, mention: “I’m meeting up with Sarah this weekend. We haven’t seen each other in a while, and I miss her.”
- ▪️ After a playdate, ask: “What was the best part of hanging out with Jordan today?”
The week after that, model one thing.
- ▪️ Talk about a friendship challenge you’re navigating
- ▪️ Mention how you solved a conflict with a friend
- ▪️ Show them you prioritizing a friendship
Small steps. Consistent conversations. Honest modeling.
That’s how we break the cycle of passing down our friendship baggage.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
Here’s what I want you to hear: You don’t have to have perfect friendships to teach your kids about friendship.
You don’t have to have a huge friend group. You don’t have to never have conflict. You don’t have to always know what to say.
You just have to be willing to:
- ▪️ Examine your own beliefs
- ▪️ Talk openly about friendship
- ▪️ Model imperfect but intentional connection
- ▪️ Support your kids without rescuing them
- ▪️ Trust that they’re building skills, even when it’s messy
As Pam beautifully put it: “We keep getting experiences until we learn the lesson we need to learn.”
That’s true for our kids. And honestly? It’s true for us too.
So maybe this is your experience: reading this article, having these realizations, starting to think differently about how you approach your kids’ friendships.
And maybe the lesson is this: The best thing you can give your kids isn’t perfect friendships. It’s the willingness to do your own work so you can support them in doing theirs.
Ready to hear the full conversation about raising friendship-literate kids? Listen to my episode with Pam Howard on the Friendship IRL podcast, and make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations about building the connections we all need. You can also check out Pam’s podcast, Less Drama More Mama, for nearly 300 episodes packed with parenting wisdom.
