I need to tell you about a conversation that made me question basically everything I thought I knew about friendship.
I’m sitting across from Jacob Marquez. We’ve hung out exactly once before this, and he casually drops this bomb:
“Yeah, I’ll just call someone I haven’t talked to in two years. Like, why not?”
I’m sorry, WHAT?
You just… pick up the phone… and call someone after TWO YEARS of silence?
“Why not?” he says again. “At some point in your life, you had a connection. I don’t know, because you like them?”
And just like that, I realized: We’ve all been following these invisible friendship “rules” that are actually making connection HARDER, not easier.
Let me explain.
The Rules We’re Following (That Nobody Actually Wrote Down)
Here’s the thing about friendship advice. Most of it sounds reasonable on the surface:
- ▪️ Don’t be needy
- ▪️ If someone only talks about themselves, they’re a bad friend
- ▪️ Real friends remember everything without help
- ▪️ Don’t reach out after too much time has passed (it’s weird!)
- ▪️ Low-maintenance friendships are the best kind
But what if… all of that is actually wrong?
Jacob is a Seattle-based tech entrepreneur building an app called ConnectTo (yes, specifically designed to help people nurture relationships). He also founded Seattle’s Best Brunch, bringing creatives together to collaborate and spotlight each other’s work. So this guy? He’s literally studied connection, interviewed 50+ people about how they define friendship, maintain relationships, and remember important details.
And his approach to friendship challenges basically EVERYTHING we’ve been taught.
In our conversation on the podcast, Jacob shared perspectives that honestly made me rethink some of my own friendship habits. And I think they might do the same for you.
Let’s break down the “rules” we’re all following… and why we might want to throw them out.
Rule #1: “Don’t Call Someone After Years of Silence. That’s Weird”
Jacob’s Take: Call them anyway.
I’m not kidding. Jacob told me he’ll see someone’s name pop up (in his app, it surfaces random reconnections based on your contacts), and he’ll just… call them.
“I haven’t talked to that person in like two years. I’m gonna call them,” he said. “We’re like, hey, haven’t talked to you in a long time. You popped up. Just want to see how you’re doing.”
My response: “So many people would be like, ‘Well, what do I talk about? Why would I just call them?”
Jacob: “I don’t know, because you like them. At some point in your life, you had a connection.”
And you know what? He’s right.
We’ve created this weird rule that if enough time passes, we need a REASON to reach out. We need an excuse. A birthday. A major life event. Some justification for why we’re “bothering” them.
But here’s what Jacob helped me see: The connection itself IS the reason.
You don’t need to wait for the perfect moment or craft the perfect message or have a three-page explanation for why you haven’t been in touch.
You can just… reach out. Because you miss them. Because you thought of them. Because at some point, they mattered to you.
Why not?
My Own “Two Years of Silence” Story
Okay, I have to share this because it’s almost embarrassing how perfectly it proves Jacob’s point.
I have a friend I’ve known since eighth grade. We’ve always had this pattern. Super connected for a while, then drift apart, then reconnect. It’s been that way for over two decades.
Three years ago, she got married. Small, kind of last-minute wedding.
Problem: I already had tickets to another wedding across the country. My husband was the BEST MAN. We’d known about it for a year.
I felt TERRIBLE telling her I couldn’t make it.
So I did what any guilt-ridden friend would do: I came up with elaborate plans to celebrate her afterward.
Too elaborate. So elaborate that I never actually pulled them off.
And then I started feeling ashamed that I hadn’t done something for her yet. And the longer I waited, the worse I felt. And the worse I felt, the harder it became to reach out.
Two years. TWO YEARS went by like this.
Her name would come to mind constantly. I’d think about calling. But then I’d spiral: What do I even say? How do I explain? She’s probably so mad at me.
The Phone Call That Changed Everything
Then one day, she called me out of the blue.
I answered immediately. “Hey, I am so sorry. I just want to start this conversation by saying I’m sorry.”
Her response: “What do you mean? I’M sorry.”
Turns out, while I was building this whole story about how she must be furious with me for missing her wedding and never making it up to her, she was dealing with a family crisis. One of her parents needed hip surgery. She was the main caregiver. Family dynamics had completely shifted.
She felt bad because she thought she’d ignored ME.
I felt bad because I thought she was mad at ME.
We both spent two years carrying guilt that the other person didn’t even know existed.
And you know what fixed it? One phone call. One vulnerable “I’m sorry.” One honest conversation.
Now? I just went to her house a few weeks ago and snuggled her new baby. Like no time had passed.
The complete episode dives into so many more examples of the invisible rules we follow and how they’re sabotaging our connection, including Jacob’s own story about a five-year silence he’s still working up the courage to break. His honesty about that vulnerability? It’ll make you feel so much less alone in whatever friendship situation you’re navigating.
Rule #2: “If Your Friend Only Talks About Themselves, They’re Selfish”
This one’s going to blow some minds.
Jacob’s take: “I have plenty of friends where we’re super close, and I hang out with them regularly, but I know that when I hang out with them, 95% of it is going to be talking about them. And that’s fine.”
Wait… WHAT?
Before you come for me in the comments, let me explain what he means.
It’s About What YOU’RE Getting From the Relationship
“It could still be reciprocal if you know what you’re getting out of that relationship,” Jacob explained.
Maybe you enjoy their stories. Maybe you love listening to them. Maybe they’re a really great friend in ANOTHER way. Like, they’re your most spontaneous friend, or your ride-or-die when things hit the fan.
Here’s my example: I have a friend who, yeah, talks about themselves a LOT. But you know what? They’re my most spontaneous friend. When we hang out, I have NO IDEA where the night is going to go, and I LOVE that about them.
They push me out of my comfort zone. They make life feel adventurous. They fill a need I have for spontaneity that I don’t naturally have on my own.
Do they ask me a million questions about my life? No.
Do I get something valuable from our friendship? Absolutely.
Jacob put it this way: “People overcomplicate relationships… Every relationship is you coming into a contract with someone. That doesn’t mean it’s transactional, but it’s also okay if there are transactions. We’re transacting. I’m bidding for your attention, and there’s a transaction where I get something back.”
The Friendship Checklist That’s Keeping You Lonely
We’ve created this checklist in our heads of what a “good friend” looks like:
✓ Asks about my life 50% of the time
✓ Remembers all my important dates
✓ Texts back within 24 hours
✓ Makes equal effort
✓ Shares my interests
But here’s the truth: If you’re waiting for friends who check every single box, you’re going to be waiting a really long time.
And more importantly? You’re going to miss out on incredible connections with people who might give you exactly what you need… just not in the way you expected.
Different friends serve different purposes. And that’s not just okay. It’s actually BETTER.
Rule #3: “Real Friends Remember Everything Naturally. Systems Are Cold”
Oh man, this one hits close to home.
When Jacob told me he’s building an app specifically to help people remember details about their friends and stay connected, I immediately told him, “I have a whole Google Calendar just for my friends.”
Birthdays. Important meetings. Surgery dates. When someone’s going on vacation. When they’re getting back. Random milestones.
It’s all in there.
And you know what? I don’t hide it. If a friend tells me something important, I will literally pull out my phone, add it to my calendar, and put it away. Takes maybe 20 seconds.
We break down five common friendship “rules” that might actually be holding you back. Listen to the full episode to hear them all.
The Research That Shocked Me
Jacob interviewed about 50 people while developing his app. He asked them about their friendships, how they stay connected, and whether they have systems.
Here’s what shocked him: “It was pretty astonishing how many people said it’s not important for me to remember important details about my friends.”
Their reasoning? “If we’re not going to be friends because I don’t remember that, obviously, our friendship isn’t strong enough.”
But here’s what I think is actually happening:
We’ve been taught that “real” friendship is effortless. That if you REALLY care, you’ll just naturally remember everything.
And when we can’t remember everything (because, you know, we’re HUMAN), we feel like failures. Like, we’re not good enough friends.
So we’ve created this false choice: Either remember everything naturally, or accept that you’re a bad friend.
But what if there’s a third option? What if having a system actually makes you a BETTER friend?
Why I Use a Calendar (And You Should Too)
Here’s the thing: I don’t use my friend’s calendar because I don’t care. I use it BECAUSE I care.
I use it because life is happening. I have a business. I have a family. I have a brain that can only hold so much information.
And I’d rather spend 20 seconds adding something to my calendar than spend the next six months feeling guilty that I forgot to check in when my friend’s mom had surgery.
Plus, and this is key, it gives me an excuse to reach out.
Sure, I could just text my friend “How’s your day?” But when I text “Wasn’t your big meeting on Tuesday? How’d it go?” it shows I was actually paying attention. I was thinking about them. I remembered something specific about their life.
That’s not cold. That’s caring.
Jacob said it perfectly: “Most people need an excuse [to reach out]. And I’m like, oh, I haven’t talked to that person in like two years. I’m gonna call them… So many people are like, ‘Well, what do I talk about? Why would I just call them?’”
If having a system (whether that’s an app, a calendar, a notes file, whatever) gives you that excuse to reach out and actually STAY connected?
That’s not robotic. That’s smart.
Rule #4: “Low-Maintenance Friendships Are the Best”
This one deserves its own deep dive because I think we’ve ALL bought into this myth.
The myth: Low-maintenance friends are the gold standard. You don’t have to talk all the time. You can pick up right where you left off. No pressure. No expectations. Just easy.
The reality: “Low-maintenance” friendships might actually be the HIGHEST maintenance of all.
Jacob’s Confession
“Back in the day, I loved low-maintenance friends,” Jacob told me. “And I think what this really boils down to is vulnerability and enoughness.”
He explained that growing up, he had a tumultuous relationship with his parents and struggled with feeling “enough.” So he learned to protect himself by not getting too attached.
“I don’t want to feel too needy,” he said. “That’s rooted in enoughness, because if I’m needy, then I’m not lovable enough.”
But here’s what changed: “As I’ve felt more comfortable in my vulnerability and my enoughness, I’ve also felt more comfortable being like, ‘No, that’s a person that I want to build a very strong relationship with, and I’m okay putting myself out there.’”
The Mental Gymnastics We’re All Doing
I have a whole episode about this concept of “low-maintenance friendship,” and here’s my take:
When you convince yourself to accept the bare minimum from a friendship, you’re actually doing SO MUCH mental work.
You’re constantly telling yourself:
- ▪️ “Oh, we don’t need to talk all the time.”
- ▪️ “I shouldn’t call them. I don’t want to bother them.”
- ▪️ “It’s fine that we haven’t connected in months.”
- ▪️ “They’re just busy, it’s not personal.”
That’s maintenance. That’s you suppressing your actual desire to connect with that person.
So, at the end of the day, is it really “low maintenance”? Or are you just doing all the maintenance internally, convincing yourself not to want more?
What “Low Maintenance” Often Really Means
Look, I’m not saying every friendship needs to be high-intensity all the time. Friendships have ebbs and flows. That’s natural.
But there’s a difference between:
Natural ebb and flow: You talk a lot, then life gets busy, then you feel that urge to call them and you just… call them. No overthinking.
“Low maintenance” as protection: You want to reach out but talk yourself out of it because you’ve convinced yourself that wanting more makes you needy/clingy/too much.
Jacob nailed it: “Friendships are vulnerable. And I think if I had to take a guess, that’s probably where a lot of this comes from.”
We call it “low maintenance” because it feels safer than admitting we want more and risking rejection.
For the full conversation, including Jacob’s incredibly honest discussion about the friend he hasn’t talked to in five years and is still working up the courage to call, listen to the complete episode. His vulnerability about that situation, and what’s holding him back, might be exactly what you need to hear if you’re in a similar spot.
Rule #5: “Your Best Friend Should Be Everything to You”
Last one, and it’s a big one.
The expectation: Your best friend (or your partner, or your one “person”) should meet all your needs. They should get you completely. Be interested in everything you’re interested in. Show up for you in every possible way.
Jacob’s response: “This notion that your partner has to be everything for you is so whack and toxic.”
He referenced Esther Perel (who I also love), who talks about this in the context of romantic relationships, but it absolutely applies to friendships too.
There’s so much more to unpack about these unwritten friendship rules. Tune into the complete episode for all the stories and research.
The Impossible Standard
Think about it: Do YOU want to be everything to someone?
Do you want the pressure of being the friend who has to:
- ▪️ Share all their interests
- ▪️ Be available 24/7
- ▪️ Remember everything perfectly
- ▪️ Give equal energy in every conversation
- ▪️ Never change or grow in ways that don’t align with them
That sounds exhausting.
And yet, we expect it from others. Or we expect it from ourselves.
My Movie Theater Example
My husband sees like 60+ movies in theaters every year. He goes to every film festival. Watches everything up for awards. It’s his THING.
I see maybe 10 movies a year. Give me the blockbusters and rom-coms, and I’m good.
When we met 15 years ago? He wasn’t that into movies.
When we got married 8 years ago? This wasn’t his thing yet.
People grow. Interests change. New passions develop.
And if the expectation was that I had to be his movie-watching companion for every single film? Our marriage would be in trouble. (And I’d be very, very bored.)
Instead, He has his movie friends. I’m thrilled he has them. And when he comes home excited about some obscure indie film, I’m genuinely happy he got to experience that… even though I had zero interest in going.
Different Friends, Different Needs
Jacob said it beautifully: “My partner gives me all these things, and then I go hang out with the homies to get the other things. And it’s so much more fulfilling.”
Same with friends.
You can have:
- ▪️ The spontaneous friend
- ▪️ The deep-conversation friend
- ▪️ The activity friend
- ▪️ The crisis friend (your ride-or-die)
- ▪️ The fun friend with whom you never talk about serious stuff with
- ▪️ The friend who gets your work struggles
- ▪️ The friend who shares your weird hobby
And they can all be GREAT friends, just in different ways.
This notion that if your friend doesn’t meet some perfect checklist, they’re not a real friend? That’s what’s keeping so many of us lonely.
So… What Do We Do With All This?
Here’s what I want you to take away from this:
1. Question the “Rules.”
Next time you find yourself thinking:
- ▪️ “I can’t reach out, it’s been too long.”
- ▪️ “They only talk about themselves, so they must not care.”
- ▪️ “I should remember this without writing it down.”
- ▪️ “Real friends don’t need systems.”
- ▪️ “This friendship should look a certain way.”
Pause and ask: Who made up that rule? And is it actually helping me connect… or is it keeping me isolated?
2. Focus on What YOU Want
Jacob said something that really stuck with me: “At the end of the day, all relationships are the same. You have two people interacting. You’re creating some sort of contract, some agreement on how you interact.”
So what do YOU want from this friendship?
Not what you think you SHOULD want. Not what society says is “normal.”
What actually brings you joy? What do you actually get from this person?
And is that enough for you?
If yes, great! Stop trying to force it into some other mold.
If no, also great! Now you know you need something different.
3. Give Yourself Permission
Permission to:
- ▪️ Call someone after years of silence
- ▪️ Enjoy a friendship that’s “lopsided.”
- ▪️ Use a system to remember things
- ▪️ Want more from a friendship (and ask for it)
- ▪️ Let different friends meet different needs
- ▪️ Do friendship YOUR way
As Jacob said, “Just because it’s something you want doesn’t mean it’s selfish.”
4. Get Comfortable With Vulnerability
This is the hard one.
Jacob was incredibly honest about this: “I had a very tumultuous relationship with my parents… Over time, I learned that if I don’t attach to someone, I don’t have to go through this potentially very vulnerable and sometimes ego-hitting experience.”
But here’s what he learned through therapy and personal work:
“As I’ve felt more comfortable in my vulnerability and my enoughness, I’ve also felt more comfortable being like, ‘No, that’s a person that I want to build a very strong relationship with, and I’m okay putting myself out there. And if they don’t reciprocate, that’s also okay.’”
That’s the key: Deciding what YOU want and going for it, regardless of the outcome.
You might call that friend after two years, and it might be awkward. Or amazing. Or somewhere in between.
You might tell a friend you need more from them. They might step up. Or they might not.
But at least you’ll know. At least you tried. At least you were honest about what you wanted instead of suppressing it for years.
My Challenge to You
Think about one friendship “rule” you’ve been following that might actually be getting in your way.
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ Not reaching out to someone because “too much time has passed.”
- ▪️ Judging a friendship because it doesn’t look like what you think it “should.”
- ▪️ Feeling guilty for needing a system to remember things
- ▪️ Expecting one person to meet all your friendship needs
Pick one rule. And break it.
Call that person. Send that text. Set up that system. Accept that friendship for what it actually is instead of what you think it should be.
And then tell me what happens. Seriously, I want to know.
Because I think we’re all walking around following these invisible rules that nobody actually wrote down. Rules that are keeping us disconnected when what we actually crave is MORE connection.
What if we just… stopped following them?
Ready to rethink everything you thought you knew about friendship? Listen to my full conversation with Jacob Marquez on the Friendship IRL podcast. We go deep on vulnerability, enoughness, the friend he hasn’t talked to in five years, and why he thinks most of us are overthinking ourselves OUT of connection instead of INTO it. His honesty and perspective might just change how you approach every friendship in your life.
