You know that person.
The one who walks into a room and somehow the energy just… shifts. People gravitate toward them. Conversations seem to flow effortlessly. You walk away thinking, “Wow, I could have talked to them all night,” and it seems like everyone else in the room feels the same way.
They’re magnetic. Captivating. The kind of person who just seems to have it (whatever it is).
And if you’re like most people, you’ve probably told yourself some version of: “That’s just who they are. It’s their personality. Their aura. Some gene I just don’t have.”
But here’s what I’ve come to believe after years of studying connection and watching people build thriving friendship communities:
Magnetic people aren’t special. They’re not born with some friendship superpower the rest of us lack.
They’re just taking action consistently while everyone else is stuck overthinking.
And that action? It creates momentum. A wave that other people want to ride because it looks fun, it looks easy, it looks like something’s actually happening instead of just being talked about.
The good news? You can create that momentum too. You can embody what I’m calling “main character energy” in your friendships, and no, that doesn’t mean making everything about you or lacking empathy or being the center of attention at all times.
It means something completely different. And way more powerful.
What Main Character Energy Actually Means
Before we go any further, let’s be really clear about what we’re talking about here.
When I started thinking about the main characters in our favorite books and movies, I realized something: Main characters face challenges and overcome them because they trust themselves to figure it out.
They don’t wait for someone else to solve their problems. They don’t sit on the sidelines hoping things will magically work out. They take action (messy, imperfect action) and they have a group of allies who help them along the way.
So when I talk about main character energy in your friendships, here’s what I mean:
Main character energy IS:
- ▪️ Taking action (even when it’s scary)
- ▪️ Speaking up for yourself
- ▪️ Taking risks
- ▪️ Prioritizing community and connection as vital and important
- ▪️ Seeing friendship as part of your self-care
Main character energy is NOT:
- ▪️ Making everything about you
- ▪️ Lacking empathy toward others
- ▪️ Centering yourself in every relationship
- ▪️ Blaming other people as the problem
- ▪️ Taking more than you give
- ▪️ Hyper-independence
We’re not talking about being selfish or self-absorbed. We’re talking about creating momentum in your friendships instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you.
Because here’s the truth: If you’re dependent on someone else’s momentum for your happiness, what happens when no one else is around to get things started?
And when you’re constantly riding everyone else’s waves, it’s easy to lose sight of your own wants, needs, and interests. Sure, the ride might be fun, but it probably doesn’t feel like it’s quite hitting the mark for you.
So today, I’m giving you three concrete ways to step into your main character energy and become the magnetic friend you’ve been waiting for.
1. Let Yourself Be Seen: The Power of Your “Insignificant” Details
Here’s what makes people magnetic: They share the small, specific, seemingly insignificant details about themselves that the rest of us are too scared to mention.
We’re all walking around with these little quirks and interests and obsessions that we’ve convinced ourselves nobody would care about. So we stick to our script: the safe things we’re comfortable sharing, the “interesting facts” we trot out at parties, the surface-level stuff that feels acceptable.
But you know what’s actually memorable and inspiring? The weird stuff. The niche interests. The random collections. The obscure passions.
Let me give you a perfect example.
I have a friend who collects Starbucks mugs from different cities, states, countries, and theme parks. And last week, we were out with some friends and Michael’s uncle, two people who had never heard about this collection before.
She sat there with absolute passion, telling us how she just did an inventory and has 158 mugs. One hundred and fifty-eight! She told stories about going to two or three different Starbucks on a single trip, trying to find the right mug. She explained how she displays them in her house (and yes, they actually use them). She talked about the logistics of getting them home when traveling.
It’s this tiny, niche, completely random thing. But she talks about it with so much enthusiasm that she becomes unforgettable.
And here’s what happens every single time she tells this story: Other people around the table start admitting their own collections or obscure interests. Someone mentions they’ve been wanting to start an Etsy shop selling hand-drawn dog portraits. Someone else confesses they’re obsessed with analyzing show tune lyrics and wants to start an Instagram about it.
She gives other people permission to be interesting by being unabashedly interested herself.
That’s magnetic. Not because collecting Starbucks mugs is inherently fascinating (though honestly, 158 mugs is impressive), but because her willingness to share something specific and quirky about herself inspires others to do the same.
And you know what? I’ve heard her tell this story dozens of times now. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve been in where someone brings up collections or travel souvenirs, and I immediately think of her. She’s become synonymous with this one small detail that she could have easily kept to herself.
Why We Hide Our Most Interesting Parts
Most of us have convinced ourselves that these little details about ourselves are insignificant. That nobody would be interested. That we’d be boring or weird or too much.
So we share the same things over and over. We have our script. We’re comfortable talking about our job, maybe our kids if we have them, our general hobbies in broad strokes.
But those colorful, specific details? We keep those hidden.
And in doing so, we rob ourselves of the chance to be truly known. We rob our friends of the chance to connect with the real us. And we rob other people of the inspiration to share their own quirky details.
I actually had a personal realization about this recently. I realized I have my script too: those things I’m comfortable sharing that people in my life know about me. But because I don’t go deeper, because I brush off questions sometimes, because I don’t want to “talk about me too much,” I’ve fallen into a pattern where I often end up on other people’s waves instead of creating my own.
And look, I don’t think you need to be in full main character energy 100% of the time. But I do think most of us need to be more active about being seen, about opening up, about letting these “insignificant” things come out.
Because people want to know you. You want to know about your friends, right? All those little details that make them who they are? It’s safe to assume they want to know those things about you, too.
How This Changes Everything (Including Small Talk)
Can we just talk for a second about how much more interesting small talk would be if we all did this more?
Instead of the standard “What do you do?” “Where are you from?” “Any plans for the weekend?” conversations, imagine walking away from small talk, thinking:
“I had no idea there were even 158 Starbucks mugs to collect; and that’s not even all of them!”
“Wait, someone actually climbed Mount Rainier? For fun? Tell me everything.”
“She’s starting an Instagram dedicated to analyzing show tune lyrics? That’s so specific, and I’m here for it.”
That’s the kind of small talk that actually leads somewhere. That makes you memorable. That creates connection.
Your Challenge: Share the “Insignificant” Stuff
Here’s how you’re going to step into your main character energy with this first tip:
Speak up a little bit more. Tell people about your interests, especially the weird, niche, specific ones. Don’t brush off their questions. Share the little things that seem silly.
And here’s the advanced move: Invite people along.
My friend doesn’t just tell us about her mug collection. When we travel together, she invites us to come to Starbucks with her to find the mug. We laugh about it (not at her, but at the absurdity of hunting down a specific mug in a foreign country), and it becomes a shared experience.
If nobody wants to join? That’s okay too. Because they still know this about her. I could go to a party, hear someone mention they collect Starbucks mugs, and immediately connect them with my friend. That’s how memorable she’s become.
Trust that the small details about yourself are interesting, memorable, and inspiring.
In the full episode, I go even deeper into all three of these ways to embody main character energy in your friendships. If you’re someone who feels like you’re always waiting for friendships to happen to you instead of creating your own momentum, this one is for you.
Because they are.
2. Take the Risk: Do the Thing Even When It Might “Fail”
Main characters aren’t sitting at home overthinking. They’re not hiding away, waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect plan.
They’re out there doing things. Taking risks. Trying stuff that might not work out.
And that’s magnetic because when people watch you take a risk, most of them are thinking: “Wow, I wish I had the courage to do that.”
But here’s what stops most of us: We’re terrified of being seen failing.
Let me give you a specific example. Let’s say you want to host a get-together. You want to invite 20 people over. But you’re scared that nobody will show up.
So instead of sending the invite, you talk yourself out of it. You convince yourself it’s not the right time, or people are too busy, or you don’t have the “right” setup, or whatever other excuse your brain offers up.
Because what you really don’t want is to be seen as the person who threw a party that nobody came to.
I’m going to tell you something vulnerable: I have sent many invites where nobody showed up.
Many. More than I can count, honestly.
And I could tell myself that everyone sees me as a failure. That they all think I don’t have friends. That I’m the sad person desperately trying to get people together and failing.
But you know what I think is actually happening? If I step back and remove myself from the situation, here’s what I believe my friends are probably thinking:
“I’m so glad Alex sent that invite. I want to get together with everyone more often too.”
“I really hope this works out next time; maybe I should prioritize showing up.”
“You know what? Maybe I should host something. If Alex can put herself out there like that, I can too.”
That’s what’s actually magnetic about taking risks (not whether they succeed, but the fact that you tried at all).
Reframing “Failure” in Friendship
Let’s look at this outside the friendship lens for a second, because I think that helps us see how ridiculous we’re being sometimes.
Imagine someone has a goal to bike across the US. They train for months. They start the journey. And then, with 75 miles to go, they get injured and can’t continue.
If someone told you that story, would you think, “Oh well, they didn’t make it”?
No! You’d be thinking, “Holy shit, they biked across almost the entire country! That’s incredible! What an inspiration! Sure, it’s a bummer they couldn’t finish, but what they accomplished is amazing.”
But when it comes to friendship risks: sending an invite, starting a group chat, suggesting a trip. We treat the “failure” as definitive proof that we shouldn’t have tried.
And here’s what I want you to hear: Sending an invite that nobody responds to might as well be as hard as biking across the US.
I know that sounds dramatic. But, for as terrified as most people are to put themselves out there in friendships, it really does feel that monumental.
The little things are often the hardest things to do.
What Taking Risks Actually Looks Like
Taking risks in friendship doesn’t have to mean grand gestures. It can be:
- ▪️ Starting the group chat that everyone’s been talking about but nobody’s actually created
- ▪️ Making the actual invite for that group trip you’ve all been vaguely discussing for five years
- ▪️ Inviting friends of friends together: those people you’ve mentioned connecting but never quite gotten up the courage to actually facilitate
- ▪️ Trying something new with a friend, even though you’ll probably be terrible at it
That last one is so important. Let me give you an example.
Let’s say you want to try pickleball, but you know you’ll probably be awful. So you tell your friend: “Hey, I really want to try this. I’m going to be terrible. But do you want to go play pickleball?”
You know what you just did? You created space for your friend to be a beginner, too.
You gave yourselves permission to try and fail. To miss every shot and maybe never want to do it again, or to hit the ball only 4% of the time but be absolutely obsessed and keep going back.
You created momentum where it’s okay to not be perfect. Where trying is more important than succeeding.
Your Challenge: Just Do the Thing
Here’s how you step into your main character energy with this second tip:
Take action. Do the thing. Stop overthinking it.
Make the invite. Ask for the invite. Start the group chat. Bring people together. Try something new. And follow through.
Don’t tiptoe into this; that’s not main character energy. Sending one message in a group chat and then never responding? That’s not it.
Main character energy is sending messages a couple times a week for a few weeks to see if you can get something going. And if it completely flops? That’s okay. Let it go.
But know that you tried. You were committed. You took the risk. And even if it didn’t work out the way you hoped, you inspired other people just by putting yourself out there.
Because that’s what’s actually magnetic (not the perfect execution, but the courage to try).
In the full episode, I talk about what it actually looks like to stop overthinking and start taking imperfect action in your friendships. If you’re someone who keeps meaning to reach out, start the group chat, or plan the thing but never quite does it, you’ll want to hear this.
3. Make Yourself the Center of Your Connection Universe
This third tip might sound selfish at first. But stay with me.
When people see you taking care of yourself and prioritizing yourself, they’re inspired to do the same.
Think about it: You know that thing that happens after someone goes through a breakup? Everyone talks about the “glow up”: that moment when the person starts putting themselves first again, doing things they love, reconnecting with who they are outside of that relationship.
We’re drawn to that energy. We think, “Wow, look at them living their fullest life!”
So here’s what I’m telling you: Do that without waiting for a breakup or major life crisis.
I spend a lot of time talking about building connections that support various areas of your life: parent friends, couple friends, work connections, family relationships. And that’s important.
But here’s what people miss: You need to build connections that support YOU. Not your roles, not your titles. YOU.
Not you as a parent. Not you as a partner. Not you, as whatever your job title is.
Just… you. Your joy. Your interests. Your fun. You without all the labels.
The Roles We Play vs. The People We Are
I see this pattern play out over and over:
The person who enters a new romantic relationship and suddenly has no time for previous friends. All their energy goes into either the relationship itself or building couple friends they can hang out with as a unit. Then comes the breakup or divorce, and it becomes painfully clear they haven’t built any connections just for themselves.
The parent who builds only family friends: connections that serve the entire family unit. Group trips, sports leagues, and school activities. All great! But then the kids grow up and leave, and suddenly they’re empty nesters with no friendships that don’t center around family activities. They’re left wondering what to do with themselves because every friendship revolved around everyone else.
The career-focused person whose connections are all work-related: work friends, networking contacts, industry peers. Then burnout hits, or they retire, and they don’t have people they can talk to about anything outside of work. They haven’t built connections for a more holistic version of themselves.
Do you see the pattern?
We’re all out here doing the work for everyone else. Building connections for our partners, our kids, our careers, our families. We’re doing all this emotional labor (and let’s be real, building and maintaining friendships IS labor) for everyone else.
But when was the last time you put that same energy into building connections just for you?
The Glow-Up You Can Give Yourself Right Now
You don’t need a major life change to prioritize yourself. You don’t need to wait for a breakup, empty nest, or burnout to realize you need friendships that support who you are as a person.
You can give yourself the glow-up right now.
I’m not saying you need to put 100% of your energy into connections for yourself. That’s not realistic or even desirable.
But what if you left yourself just 5-10% to build connections that support you as a person?
Connections where you can talk about:
- ▪️ That weird hobby you’re embarrassed to admit you’re obsessed with
- ▪️ The creative project you’ve been dreaming about
- ▪️ The thing you used to love before life got so busy
- ▪️ Your actual thoughts and feelings, not filtered through your role as parent/partner/employee
When you do this, two things happen:
One: You’re building yourself a real support system. A group of allies who know YOU and can help you through challenges (not just people who know you in one specific context).
Two: You become magnetic because people see you prioritizing yourself, and it gives them permission to do the same.
That’s the inspiration. That’s the main character energy.
Your Challenge: Build One Connection Just For You
Here’s how you step into your main character energy with this third tip:
Identify one area where you’re building connections only for your roles, and commit to building one connection just for yourself.
Maybe that means:
- ▪️ Joining a book club even though your partner isn’t interested in reading
- ▪️ Taking that art class you’ve been thinking about
- ▪️ Reaching out to that person you met who shares your niche interest
- ▪️ Going to that meetup alone instead of waiting for someone to go with you
It doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
It just has to be for YOU.
The Two Challenges That Will Change Everything
Alright, we’ve covered the three ways to embody main character energy in your friendships. Before we wrap up, I have two challenges for you.
Challenge #1: Get Out of Your Head
I saw something recently on social media that made me laugh (and then made me think).
Someone was talking about the “seven types of rest,” and one of them was “social rest.” Every single bullet point under social rest was about reflection: reflecting on your relationships, analyzing your social life, thinking about your connections.
And I just sat there thinking: Is it really restful to let your brain spin endlessly about your social life? Isn’t that just… anxiety?
Don’t get me wrong, I think reflection has its place. When I first started doing this work, I thought people needed way more reflection than they actually do.
But here’s what I’ve learned: Most people are way past the sweet spot of helpful reflection. They’re just stuck in their heads, overthinking everything.
We’re the people standing in the corner watching someone with main character energy, wishing we could be them, but we’re so busy analyzing and overthinking that we never actually DO anything.
And that overthinking? It’s not rest. It’s exhausting.
So here’s your first challenge: Spend some time this week noticing how much you’re in your own head about all this.
Are you overanalyzing? Are you spending all your time thinking about doing the thing but never actually doing it?
Because here’s the truth: Taking action is what’s going to change your friendships, your social wellness, and ultimately, your life.
I’m guilty of this, too. I scroll through social media and save approximately one million fitness videos. Exercises for shoulder pain. 15-minute workout routines. Protocols, plans, tips, and tricks.
I could tell you exactly what folder they’re all saved in (and honestly, it’s embarrassing how many there are).
I can reflect on these exercises all day. I can imagine the perfect workout plan. I can think about the areas where I need to get stronger.
Or… I could just get up in my pajamas, get down on the floor, and do a few exercises. Messy. Imperfect. Not following any protocol.
And I would get way more results than I’m currently getting by just thinking about it.
I need to get out of my own head. And I’m guessing you do too.
Challenge #2: Take Action RIGHT NOW
Main character energy isn’t something you think about. It’s something you embody. Something you DO.
So here’s your second challenge: Pick an action right now and just go do it.
Not tomorrow. Not when you have a perfect plan. Not when you feel ready.
Right now.
- ▪️ Talk to somebody new
- ▪️ Send that invite you’ve been thinking about
- ▪️ Start the group chat
- ▪️ Text that friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to
- ▪️ Share something specific and quirky about yourself
- ▪️ Try that new thing you’ve been scared to try
Just do SOMETHING.
Because when I look at people who embody main character energy (those magnetic people we’re all drawn to); they’re not waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect action.
They’ve just gotten so used to putting themselves out there in small, imperfect ways and taking small actions that it’s become second nature.
That’s why we’re drawn to them. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re consistently in motion.
And any of us can do that. Any of us can start creating new patterns where we put ourselves out there and take these little actions.
You can step into your main character energy. You can create your own momentum instead of waiting for someone else to create it for you.
You can be the magnetic friend you’ve been looking for.
The question is: Are you going to keep thinking about it, or are you going to actually do it?
If this resonated with you, I’d love for you to listen to the complete episode. I share even more examples and talk about how building main character energy has changed my own friendships. This is the kind of shift that can genuinely change how connected you feel.
