“Buying presents for my grandchildren is my favorite hobby.”
When my podcast guest DeeDee Moore shared this comment from a grandparenting forum, I felt my heart break a little. Here was someone whose entire sense of purpose, joy, and identity had shrunk down to one thing: gift-giving to grandkids.
And here’s what really gets me… this isn’t just a grandparent problem.
I see this everywhere. The friend who makes their romantic partner their entire social world. The person is waiting for that one perfect best friend to complete their social life. The new parent who puts all their community hopes on other parents at daycare.
We keep putting all our social eggs in one tiny basket. And then we wonder why those relationships feel so heavy, so pressured, so likely to crack under the weight of our expectations.
Let’s get real about what’s actually happening here.
The Problem With “Experience” Culture
In my conversation with DeeDee Moore, founder of More Than Grand, for episode 55 of Friendship IRL, she said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“There’s this misconception that somehow when we become a grandparent, we have this license to do what we want, to indulge this child, to spoil them, to ignore all the rules, all so that we can fulfill this idea we have of being some sort of… cross between a fairy godmother and… I don’t know what. But it’s just the idea that when we’re a grandparent, it’s all about our experience. That’s a really dangerous way to approach it.”
Sound familiar?
We’ve created these fantasy versions of relationships – the “grandparent experience,” the “best friend experience,” the “perfect family experience” – that have nothing to do with actual human connection and everything to do with fulfilling some societal narrative we’ve been sold.
And here’s the kicker: when we focus so intensely on getting that one perfect relationship experience, we actually damage the very relationships we’re trying to nurture.
Because no relationship can handle being someone’s entire social world.
When One Relationship Becomes Everything
DeeDee shared something that honestly made me want to reach through the screen and hug every overwhelmed parent out there:
“You cannot be an enthusiastic, involved grandparent without the parents being on board with that, right? They’re the ones who have to navigate the time that you want to spend with the child. They’re the ones that have to deal with all of the gifts that you’re buying for the child… That’s asking a lot of them, for them to be responsible for your happiness by facilitating this relationship.”
Let that sit with you for a minute…
When we make one relationship responsible for our happiness, we’re not just putting pressure on ourselves – we’re putting impossible pressure on the other person too.
Think about it. Have you ever been someone’s only close friend? Their entire social outlet? It’s exhausting, right? You can’t be everything to someone. You shouldn’t have to be.
In the full episode, DeeDee goes much deeper into how this plays out in families – the way grandparents sometimes focus so intensely on that grandchild relationship that they forget about building friendships, staying active in their community, or maintaining other meaningful connections. The pressure becomes suffocating for everyone involved.
The Healthcare Provider Approach to Relationships
Here’s where DeeDee shared an analogy that completely shifted how I think about relationship expectations:
“We should think about friendships like we think about healthcare providers. You don’t want your dentist handling your gynecological needs, right? Different specialists serve different purposes. They’re all important. They all contribute to your overall health. But you’d never expect one person to handle everything.”
So why do we expect one relationship to be everything?
This applies whether you’re:
- ▪️ A grandparent putting all your social energy into grandkids
- ▪️ Someone waiting for “the one” best friend who’ll understand everything about you
- ▪️ A person who made their romantic partner their entire social world
- ▪️ Anyone who’s ever felt disappointed when one relationship couldn’t meet all their needs
What if instead of trying to find that one perfect relationship, we built ourselves a relationship care team?
Building Your Social Support Network (Yes, at Any Age)
“Everything does not need to be deep,” DeeDee told me. “You don’t need to have only friends that will talk about your deepest secrets, your life goals, and investments. It’s nice to have somebody with whom you just talk about your favorite meal last night or your favorite TV show.”
This is permission to stop making everything so complicated.
Your support network might include:
- ▪️ The neighbor who’s always down for a quick coffee
- ▪️ The friend who gives the best advice about work stuff
- ▪️ The person who shares your obsession with reality TV
- ▪️ The family member who makes you laugh until your stomach hurts
- ▪️ The acquaintance who’s great for trying new restaurants
Each connection serves a purpose. Each one adds value to your life. And none of them has to be perfect or all-encompassing.
DeeDee pointed out something brilliant: “Could you imagine if everything in our lives was intense, and just deep? That’s exhausting!”
She’s absolutely right. We need variety in our relationships just like we need variety in everything else.
The Real Solution Isn’t More Boundaries
Here’s what I keep coming back to, and it’s probably going to surprise you…
Most relationship advice today focuses on boundaries. Cut people out. Say no more. Protect your energy.
But what if the answer isn’t to restrict and cut down? What if the answer is to add?
Instead of putting all the pressure on your adult kids to fulfill your social needs, what if you also:
- ▪️ Volunteered to read stories at the library to other people’s grandkids
- ▪️ Joined a community group doing something you actually enjoy
- ▪️ Built friendships with neighbors who might need that extra support too
Instead of waiting for your one perfect friend group, what if you:
- ▪️ Cultivated different types of friendships for different parts of yourself
- ▪️ Mixed your social circles instead of keeping them separate
- ▪️ Stopped ranking your relationships and started appreciating what each one brings
The complete episode explores exactly how this works in practice – DeeDee shares specific examples of grandparents who’ve built rich community connections that actually enhance their family relationships rather than compete with them. When you’re not depending on one relationship for everything, there’s so much less pressure on everyone involved.
The Magic of Mixing Your Social Circles
One thing DeeDee said that made me want to cheer:
“That’s the way you build community, right? You don’t have these separate little pots of people, you intermingle them and create a web where everybody is interconnected. And that’s what catches you.”
This is how we build resilient social lives.
When your friend invites you to their grandson’s birthday party, go. When your family has a barbecue, invite those friends you’ve been wanting them to meet. Stop keeping your relationships in separate boxes.
Some of my favorite moments happen when my friends meet my family, when different parts of my life get to intersect. It adds richness and depth that you just can’t get when everything stays compartmentalized.
Permission to Redefine Relationship Success
Here’s what I want you to take away from this: you have permission to define relationship success on your own terms.
You don’t need one perfect grandparent experience to have a fulfilling relationship with grandkids. You don’t need one best friend to have a rich social life. You don’t need your romantic partner to be your everything.
What you need is connections that feel good to you. Relationships that add joy, support, or simply pleasant conversation to your life. People who accept you as you are, not as society says you should be.
The most important thing isn’t having the “right” kind of relationships – it’s having relationships that work for YOUR life.
Your Turn to Examine Your Social Eggs
So let me ask you this: Where in your life are you putting all your eggs in one basket?
Are you waiting for one relationship to be everything? Are you putting pressure on your family to fulfill social needs that might be better met through community? Are you disappointed in a friendship because you’re expecting it to be something it’s not?
What if instead of trying to make one relationship perfect, you built yourself a diverse support network? What if you stopped waiting for permission and started creating the social life you actually want?
I share so much more in the full episode about what it means to build authentic community connections and why diversifying our social support actually strengthens every relationship in our lives. DeeDee’s insights about creating meaningful connections without overwhelming any single relationship might completely change how you approach your own social wellness.
Ready to stop putting all your eggs in one basket? [Listen to the complete episode here] and subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. Because the conversation about building sustainable, authentic community is just getting started.
