Here’s something that’s going to blow your mind about friendship support: We’ve all been doing it wrong.
I’m recording this from my friend’s spare bedroom in California, where I’ve been staying for the past few weeks. My friends have had their life completely rocked – someone they love has been in the hospital for nine months straight, and they’re living at that hospital 12-14 hours a day, seven days a week.
You know what’s wild? I keep getting messages from people telling me how “inspiring” and “incredible” what I’m doing is. They can’t imagine ever doing anything like this in their lives.
But here’s the thing: I’m literally just living in their house and working. I cook dinner sometimes. I accept deliveries. It’s really not that intense.
Yet people think it’s this massive, overwhelming act of care because we’ve been taught that good support has to match the magnitude of our love. And that’s exactly the problem.
The Grand Gesture Trap
My recent podcast guest, Olivia Howell, founder of Fresh Starts Registry, completely changed how I think about supporting friends. As she put it: “We love our people so much that we want to show up in a way that equates to that love. We want to jump to the thing that matches how we feel.”
But here’s what actually happens when we follow that script:
- ▪️ We put massive pressure on one action to be “enough”
- ▪️ We volunteer for support roles we actually dread (hello, resentment)
- ▪️ We expect a certain reaction, and when our friend is too overwhelmed to give it, we feel unappreciated
- ▪️ We burn out and stop showing up altogether
Sound familiar?
“Life is messy,” Olivia reminded me. “And we have to give space for that. When you give of yourself to others, it’s not about you.”
What We Think Support Looks Like vs. What It Actually Looks Like
Here’s the script most of us learned: Something big happens → Send flowers/casserole → Get thanked → Move on.
But Olivia’s work with Fresh Starts Registry (the first platform for supporting people through ALL life transitions, not just weddings and babies) has shown her something different.
“The average person goes through about 14 major life changes in their life,” she told me. “And for every one of those major life decisions, we encounter about 10 experts. Changes beget changes.”
Translation: Your friends need support way more often than you think, and it’s rarely the kind of support we’ve been trained to give.
In the full episode, Olivia shares incredible examples of what actually meaningful support looks like – and I promise, it’s going to completely shift how you think about showing up for your people.
The Small Actions That Actually Matter
Want to know what Olivia’s friends did during her divorce that made the biggest impact? Her girlfriends would Instacart her dinner and activities for her kids, then text: “Hey, there’s a bag sitting outside for you.”
That’s it. No big production. No expecting a thank you post on Instagram.
Here are more examples that stopped me in my tracks:
The Personal Google Friend: “I’m happy to Google anything for you and filter out the scary stuff so you don’t have to see it.”
The Exotic Bird Friend: When Olivia’s friend lost her daughter, another friend sent her pictures of exotic birds just to make her smile.
The Marco Polo Check-In: “Good morning, just wanted to say hi” – almost every day, no response required.
The Monthly Memory: Friends who send a handwritten card every month on the anniversary of a loss.
The Do Not Disturb Override: “I’m turning you off do not disturb. You can call me and you will bypass anything, anytime.”
Notice what all of these have in common? They’re small, sustainable, and they don’t require the person receiving support to manage the supporter’s feelings about it.
The VASE Method That Changes Everything
Olivia shared a framework that’s going to revolutionize how you support your people. It’s called the VASE method:
- ▪️ Validate what your friend is going through
- ▪️ Acknowledge that it’s real and they’re experiencing it
- ▪️ Support them in a concrete way
- ▪️ Express your love
“It’s very simple,” Olivia explained. “You validate what they’re going through and that they exist as a human. ‘Hey, I see you, I see that your ex-husband is making you very anxious right now. It’s gonna be okay, we’re gonna get through this together.’ That’s it. That’s all you have to say. And it makes their entire existence matter.”
The complete episode dives much deeper into how to use this framework in real situations, plus Olivia shares dozens of scripts for everything from supporting someone through divorce to celebrating a friend’s PhD graduation. If you’ve ever been frozen by not knowing what to say, her approach will give you the confidence to show up authentically.
Why We’re Getting Support So Wrong
Here’s what Olivia helped me realize: We’re treating support like a performance instead of a relationship.
“We’re so in this social media mindset,” she told me, “where it’s like, I’m gonna send my friend who lost her mom a big bouquet of flowers, and then she’s going to post it on Instagram and tag me, and I’m going to share it, and it’s gonna make me look like this wonderful person.”
But that’s never how it actually works. “She gets the flowers and forgets to put them in the vase because she’s crying, and doesn’t email you for three days. And even though you could see they were delivered, you’re wondering why she hasn’t called you.”
The Reflection Problem
Before you do anything, Olivia suggests asking yourself: What would actually make sense for their life right now?
“So many people would say, ‘Oh, I’ll take you out for a drink,’” she shared about her divorce experience. “And I’m like, I’m a solo parent. I can’t get out of the house. That’s not feasible for me.”
Or: “Maybe they don’t want a casserole. Maybe they need cereal bowls for their kids to eat cereal out of, or a shower curtain, or sheets, or a journal.”
This isn’t about spending more money or doing bigger things. It’s about slowing down to actually think about what would help instead of defaulting to the same old script.
Finding Your Support Style (So You Don’t Burn Out)
Here’s something nobody talks about: You need to figure out how YOU like to show up for people.
“I’m very introverted,” Olivia told me. “I won’t show up for people physically, but I will show up for you emotionally. I will be there 24/7 via text or phone. And I’m the connector – you need a therapist, you need a doctor, I will find it for you.”
I’m the cooking friend. I love making meals for people. But I have another friend who hates cooking, so her go-to is becoming the “mom expert” – answering any parenting question, no matter how silly.
Your Turn to Reflect
Here are three questions that will change how you support your people:
- What ways do you ENJOY showing up for people? (If you enjoy it, you’re way more likely to do it consistently)
- What ways are you GOOD at showing up? (What skills, expertise, or resources do you have?)
- What falls into both categories? (These are your golden ticket support styles)
When you know your natural support style, you can offer it proactively instead of waiting for the “right” moment or scrambling to figure out what to do.
The Long-Term Game
Remember my friends in the hospital situation? Here’s what we did differently: Instead of everyone sending something immediately and then moving on, we organized monthly care packages over time and committed to checking in regularly for months.
“We don’t want to talk about hard things,” Olivia pointed out. “Unfortunately, as much as life is 50% good things, it’s 50% hard things. We need to put on our big kid underpants and say, how are we going to come together to support these people?”
This means thinking beyond the immediate crisis. It means remembering that your friend who lost a parent six months ago still misses them. It means celebrating the small wins, not just the Instagram-worthy moments.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
Here’s what I want you to take away from this: You have permission to support your people in ways that work for YOU.
You don’t have to send flowers if you hate dealing with flower deliveries. You don’t have to cook if cooking stresses you out. You don’t have to make grand gestures if they drain you.
But you do need to show up consistently in small ways. You do need to think about what your friend actually needs instead of what feels “right” to you. And you do need to trust that small actions add up to something huge over time.
As Olivia beautifully put it: “When you can fill that cup of those little moments, it builds trust. And so when the big stuff happens, you know that you can rely on those people.”
I share so much more in the full episode about sustainable support, including Olivia’s incredible scripts for dozens of different situations and her insights on why we struggle to let people support us in return. Her perspective on building real, lasting support systems instead of performing friendship might completely change how you show up for your people.
Start Small, Start Now
So here’s my challenge: Pick one person in your life and one small way you can support them this week. Not because something big happened, but just because you care about them.
Text them that you’re proud of them for something small. Send them a meme that made you think of them. Offer to be their personal Google for something they’re researching.
Remember: Your friends need you to exist, not to be perfect. They need to know you see them, you’re thinking about them, and you’re not going anywhere.
Ready to ditch the support script that’s been failing all of us? [Listen to the complete episode here] and subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. And definitely check out Fresh Starts Registry’s amazing scripts for every situation you can imagine.
Because the conversation about what it really means to show up for our people is just getting started.
