You know that feeling when you’re in a group?
Maybe it’s your book club. Your neighborhood group. A friend circle. The new curling club you joined. That bird watching meetup you’ve been part of for a couple months.
And you’re just wondering to yourself:
At what point do I actually BELONG here?
At what point am I PART of the group?
Everyone’s friendly enough. But you’re just not quite sure.
Are you one of them? Are you IN now?
Or are you still on the outside?
Today, we’re talking about what belonging in a group actually feels like.
Versus what we (in our brains) have made up stories it SHOULD feel like.
And what I’m about to talk about applies to:
- ▪️ Friend groups
- ▪️ Neighborhood book clubs
- ▪️ Interest groups
- ▪️ Community organizations
- ▪️ School
- ▪️ Work
All these places.
So let’s get to the core: How do you actually KNOW when you belong in a group?
What IS Belonging, Anyway?
First, we need to talk about what belonging actually IS.
Often we hear these generic words thrown out:
- ▪️ Acceptance
- ▪️ Inclusion
- ▪️ Feeling seen and welcomed for who you are
- ▪️ Safety and security
- ▪️ Connection
- ▪️ Identity (this group helps define who you are)
But my definition? It’s a FEELING.
The Company Holiday Party Example
Let me paint you a picture.
Imagine you’re going to a holiday party. A work holiday party.
You walk in. It’s a big company. There are 100 people in the foyer.
You’re scanning faces. Thinking: “I feel like maybe I’ve seen these people in the hall, but I don’t really KNOW anybody.”
As that’s happening, you’re probably thinking:
- ▪️ “Gosh, I didn’t realize the company was this big”
- ▪️ “I never go to the other floors”
- ▪️ You’re a little PANICKED
- ▪️ A little ON EDGE
- ▪️ “Should I just leave?”
- ▪️ You’re hyper-vigilant
- ▪️ “Did I need to sign in? Is there a presentation tonight? Should I go to my seat?”
Then, as you’re walking through the crowd, you notice:
In the far back right-hand corner, there’s a group of six people standing in a circle.
And you KNOW them. You recognize them.
Maybe they’re not your CLOSEST coworkers. You can’t find those people. Did they all decide not to come tonight?
But those six people? They suddenly give you a sigh of relief.
You know they’re familiar faces.
So you walk up. Say hello. Start chatting.
They tell you that yes, you ARE going to have to go into the auditorium. There’s a quick annual report. A thank-you situation.
You get a text. You find out you might have to SPEAK. Say something for your department.
On one hand? You’re on edge. There are SO many people here you don’t know.
But at least you have this sense:
If you fumble your way through it, these six people will still be smiling at you. Cheering for you.
When you walk over to that group, you have some idea what to start talking about.
You know some facts about them. You work in the same broader department. You can bring up that one project. That conference somebody attended.
You have a little bit of ease.
The Definition
For me, belonging is a FEELING.
It’s the feeling of:
- ▪️ Walking in ON EDGE
- ▪️ Versus
- ▪️ Walking in and having that body RELAXATION
- ▪️ That sense of: “It’s going to be okay”
- ▪️ “I can be myself”
- ▪️ “I can make a mistake”
- ▪️ “I can be accepted for who I am”
- ▪️ “I’m comfortable coming to talk to these people because I have some sense of what our common ground is”
With that group of six?
You don’t have to PRETEND.
You can walk up and be vulnerable. Be authentic.
“Gosh, this company keeps growing. How do I not know ANYBODY here? Do you guys know people? Have I just been hidden in my office for months? Wow, I should really work on that.”
That’s belonging.
Versus walking up to someone you don’t really know.
You might never admit you don’t know anybody. You might offer vulnerability, but it wouldn’t be your FIRST choice.
That’s the difference.
The Big Reframe: Belonging is a SPECTRUM
Here’s what I want you to notice:
A lot of people think of belonging as a MARKER. A black-and-white point.
I belong OR I don’t belong.
But I think belonging is a SPECTRUM.
Because you’re standing in that room.
Maybe you’re panicked about your sense of belonging in the COMPANY.
But you DO feel some sense of belonging in that GROUP of six.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
And that matters.
Because the sense of belonging (if you’re on edge ALL THE TIME) can impact:
- ▪️ Your mental health
- ▪️ Your physical health
- ▪️ Your motivation
And at the core? There’s a survival instinct.
If you walk through your neighborhood and don’t recognize ANYBODY?
That puts you on edge.
You might think: “If I was out riding my bike and got hit by a car, would my neighbors even STOP for me?”
At the core, this can be a survival thing.
Why This Reframe Matters
If we can start to see where we are on the spectrum of belonging, instead of being so focused on “I don’t belong here,” we’re more likely to:
Keep coming back.
Keep building connections.
Keep increasing our sense of belonging.
Instead of just giving up because we don’t feel “fully in” yet.
Mistake #1: Focusing on “The Group” Instead of Individual Relationships
One of the BIGGEST mistakes I see:
People believe they need to belong in “the group” overall.
They’re so focused on: “Do I belong HERE?”
Instead of looking at the INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS within the group.
The Book Club Example
Let’s say you’re going to book club. You’re not really sure if you belong.
You still feel like an outsider.
There are six other people in the book club.
One of them invited you. Someone you’re actually pretty close with.
That person might be a present friend or a defined friend.
(If you don’t know what those terms mean, go listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.)
The other people? They might all be acquaintances. Maybe familiar friends.
When we take a step back and accept:
“Okay, I have ONE present friend in this group. And FIVE acquaintances.”
It suddenly becomes pretty clear WHY you don’t feel a super strong sense of belonging.
Because you don’t know a bunch of the individuals in this group.
The Shift
I’m NOT saying you need all six people to be as close to you as that one present friend.
You may never get there.
But over time, maybe you end up with:
- ▪️ 1 present friend
- ▪️ 2 defined friends
- ▪️ 3 familiar friends
And now, once we accept that’s the level of closeness we have, it’s a lot easier to:
Look at the group and see all the ways you ARE connected.
And appreciate that you’re connected with those familiar friends on a level that MAKES SENSE for a familiar friend.
They’re not your closest people. They’re not who you’d call in the middle of the night.
But they DO show up for you in a way that makes sense for someone you really just see at book club.
They:
- ▪️ Walk in genuinely excited to see you
- ▪️ Ask you questions
- ▪️ Remember details from last time
- ▪️ Seem interested in a work update you share
- ▪️ May not ask DEEPER questions, but they’re like: “Wow, you should be so proud!”
That’s a totally different reaction than you’d expect from your PRESENT friend.
You expect THEM to be over the top:
- ▪️ “Wait, tell me EXACTLY how the conversation with your boss went.”
- ▪️ “What does this mean for your work travel?”
- ▪️ “Are you excited? Nervous?”
- ▪️ “How many people are you managing?”
When we understand that people are showing up in ways that make sense for how close you are?
Suddenly, it’s a lot easier to feel like you belong.
Because people ARE showing up in ways that are appropriate for how connected you are.
The belonging spectrum changes how you think about every group you’re part of. Hear the full breakdown in the full episode.
Mistake #2: Assuming Belonging is Linear
Another big mistake:
We assume that FEELING (the sense of belonging) is LINEAR.
That the more you invest in the group, the more you’ll feel like you belong.
But it’s NOT linear. It goes UP and DOWN.
My Friend Group Example
I have a friend group with 20+ people.
There are a variety of connection levels. If I made a web map, we’d have everything from familiar friends to very close friends to present friends.
Let’s say my friends threw me a birthday picnic.
(This isn’t a true story; my birthday is in June, and this episode is in October. But stay with me.)
I leave that picnic feeling:
- ▪️ SO supported
- ▪️ SO connected
- ▪️ Like I BELONG
- ▪️ Like they all see and accept and love me
- ▪️ They brought my favorite foods
- ▪️ Played my favorite songs
- ▪️ Threw a picnic because they know I love birthday picnics
I just feel SO CONNECTED.
(By the way, if you want another example of nurturing that feeling, listen to Episode 37.)
Now, let’s say a couple of weeks later, I’m hanging out with those same friends.
We’re sitting around talking.
And they’re ALL so deep in talking about PARENTHOOD.
Feeding products. Daycare waitlists. After-school programs. Late-night wake-ups. Sleep training.
And I’m just kind of… sitting there.
Because at the moment, I don’t have kids.
At the end of this hangout, I might be like:
“Wow, do I belong here? Have all my friends moved on? Do they have this new connection point I don’t have?”
In a TWO-WEEK SPAN, I might have gone from:
“Oh my gosh, I am SO connected.”
To
“Do I still fit in here?”
It can go up and down and up and down.
That’s NORMAL.
Mistake #3: Comparing Groups
Another big mistake:
Comparing groups you’re in.
Bird Watching vs. Book Club
Let’s say you’re in a bird watching group.
You feel like you belonged there REALLY quickly.
Then you’re also in a book club your friend invited you to.
But really, it’s not about the book. They all just sit around talking about their lives. It’s more of a friend group hangout. The book is just the excuse.
You’re really struggling to feel like you belong there.
And you’re MAD.
“Why do I feel like I belong in the bird watching group but I CAN’T feel like I belong in this friend hangout?”
Here’s what I want to remind you:
The sense of belonging moves at DIFFERENT RATES.
Why Bird Watching Feels Easier
When you go to the bird watching group:
You all have this NICHE interest.
It’s very easy to:
- ▪️ Find connection points
- ▪️ Engage in conversation
- ▪️ Listen
- ▪️ Make small talk (because you have a SUBJECT everyone came to talk about)
- ▪️ Know what people want to talk about
- ▪️ Find common ground
- ▪️ Be yourself (this is a place where you can be the NERDIEST about your obsession with a certain type of bird!)
Why Book Club Feels Harder
When you go to the book club friend hangout:
Nobody’s actually talking about the book. They’re talking about their LIVES.
You might feel like it’s WAY harder to feel a sense of belonging.
That’s because you really have to dig in and figure out:
- ▪️ What are our common interests?
- ▪️ What are the things we enjoy?
- ▪️ What overlap do we have?
You’re trying to be authentic and talk about your love of bird watching.
And people just… don’t seem interested.
Suddenly you’re like: “Maybe I don’t belong here.”
So it’s not that you don’t necessarily belong.
It’s that it’s going to take MORE WORK to dig in and find the ways you DO belong.
And develop that sense of belonging over time.
The 4 Signs of Belonging
Okay, so how do you actually KNOW when you’re building belonging?
Often we hear really vague phrases:
- ▪️ “Foster relationships”
- ▪️ “Practice acceptance”
- ▪️ “Find common ground”
- ▪️ “Be authentic”
Cool. What does that look like in PRACTICE?
When you go to that book club and you’re trying to connect, what are we DOING?
Sign #1: Give and Receive Genuine Interest
With the caveat:
Giving and receiving genuine interest should be APPROPRIATE to your connection level for each person in the group.
Because:
When your present friend FREAKS OUT about your new job promotion?
And your familiar friends ask more basic questions, or maybe they just say “Wow, congrats!” and move on?
That can be HARD.
You want every person to show the same level of excitement.
But if we understand where each person IS on your connection spectrum? That makes it easier.
The New Person Problem
Here’s another thing that happens:
You walk into a new group. Everyone is SO NICE.
In the beginning, they’re asking you ALL SORTS of questions. They seem genuinely interested in getting to know you.
Then at a certain point? It shifts.
Suddenly, these people who see each other every week have things they’ve been WAITING to talk about:
- ▪️ That trip they’re planning together
- ▪️ An update on the story from last week about the neighbor cutting down the tree
They have things they’ve been wanting to share.
Because they already have that sense of belonging.
And the new person can feel this PANIC:
“Wait, everyone just showed me genuine interest. And now nobody is showing me interest.”
But it has nothing to do with YOU.
It has to do with the fact that these people come together all the time because they genuinely feel like they belong.
They want to let their guard down. Share with each other. Have engaging conversations.
What it IS? A great time to LISTEN.
A great time to LEARN.
Maybe you find out someone else loves movies. By listening, you might find ways to deepen connections with certain people in this group.
Want more on navigating different levels of belonging? Listen to the complete episode for all the examples and strategies.
Sign #2: Mutual Acceptance
This one lives on a spectrum, too.
Overall, you accept and approve of these people, even with their flaws.
But as you’re engaging, you might notice:
Some of these familiar friends are kind of rubbing you the wrong way in certain interactions.
(I’m not saying don’t speak up for yourself or someone else.)
But mutual acceptance isn’t 100%. You align with all these people on everything.
When you’re in a group, there are BOUND to be differences.
Bound to be things that rub you the wrong way.
My question isn’t:
“Are they the absolute perfect dream people you drew up to be in a group?”
My question is:
“Can you BASELINE accept who they are?”
The Flip Side
At the beginning, when you’re trying to decide if you can accept them?
We often go in thinking: “Will THEY accept ME?”
But you’re also allowed to see if YOU accept THEM.
So instead of trying really hard to be this ideal person they’d want to add to the group?
My suggestion:
Be CURIOUS about everyone else.
Do THEY pass YOUR vibe check?
Ask them SO MANY QUESTIONS.
People LOVE to talk about themselves. People love to feel like they shared.
When you go in as a newbie, and you’re really curious?
It takes the pressure OFF you to perform.
And when you walk away?
Naturally, everyone’s going to say: “Wow, she was so nice. He was so nice. They really wanted to hear about my trip to Italy.”
Sign #3: Feel Supported and Valued by the Group
But wait, if we don’t have the same interests, how does this work?
When you start talking to someone and they make it clear they’re NOT interested in bird watching?
Does that mean you don’t belong?
Here’s what I’d say:
It’s OKAY for people to say they’re not interested.
It’s okay for people to not want to learn more.
But if someone didn’t ACCEPT you?
That would look like someone being MEAN. Mocking. Teasing.
When it switches from NEUTRAL to ATTACKING.
That’s where you can distinguish:
“Okay, this is NOT a space where I’m valued and supported. I don’t want to be here.”
Sign #4: Feel Comfortable and Relaxed
This is where we test it.
This is where you tiptoe your way into any group.
And the way you test? By bringing SMALL INTIMACY.
Small Intimacies: Your Testing Ground
What would this look like?
Let’s say you’re going to that book club. It’s maybe the fourth time you’ve gone.
You’re still trying to get a feel: Do you REALLY want to be in this group?
You’re getting a mixed vibe. You’re not sure. You’re on edge a little.
“I don’t know how these people are going to react to some of the ways I’m unique or different.”
I want you to pick some SMALL ways to show up and offer vulnerability.
(I have an entire episode on this, Episode 74, about small intimacies.)
This is your testing ground.
This is where you see:
- ▪️ Do I want to keep investing energy here?
- ▪️ Can I develop a deeper sense of belonging?
This doesn’t need to be:
“Tonight, when we sit around not discussing the book, I’m going to share my BIGGEST LIFE REGRET.”
No. That’s a BIG intimacy. We’re not doing that.
Examples of Small Intimacies
You’re going to do something like:
Suggest the next restaurant the book club meets at.
Why is that a small intimacy?
Because people may not like it. They might say: “Oh, I don’t really love that restaurant.”
They might judge you for the fact that it’s your favorite.
OR they might be curious. Interested. Into it.
Bring a recipe you cooked.
(If you’re a phenomenal cook, this may not be a small intimacy. But if you’re really NOT the greatest cook? This is a small intimacy.)
How do people react?
Do they tell you it tastes terrible and maybe you shouldn’t cook?
Or do they say: “Hey, thanks for bringing this. I’ve never tried this before.”
Are they genuinely supportive? Neutral? Or putting you down?
Share a win from your week.
Maybe it’s not as big as a promotion. Maybe you got into a workshop that’s really hard to get into.
How do people receive that?
How do they treat you?
Does it make sense with their level of connection to you?
Can you start to see that people are holding space for you? Listening? Authentically happy for you?
Because if you can notice that?
You can start to SENSE it.
You can start to build a sense of belonging in that space.
The Difference
It’s very in your body.
It’s very easy to tell if someone:
- ▪️ Just isn’t interested (NEUTRAL)
- ▪️ Versus
- ▪️ Doesn’t accept you (ATTACKING)
Can you read that difference?
And start to hone in on that when you’re offering small intimacies?
It’s like little dominoes you’re stacking.
Closer and closer to a deeper sense of belonging.
The Timeline is Different for Everyone
Even further level-setting here:
The timeline is going to be DIFFERENT.
So many factors:
Is it an interest group? (Faster belonging: shared niche interest)
Somewhere you’re going with no background on these people? (Slower)
Do you have a bunch of present friends in the group and just a couple familiar friends? (Faster)
How much are YOU offering to the group?
- ▪️ Are you actively engaging?
- ▪️ Or waiting for everyone to ask YOU questions?
Are you offering small intimacies?
- ▪️ Or holding back and waiting for anyone to ask you to contribute?
Are you panicking at the first sign of a wave in that spectrum?
(Remember, it goes UP and DOWN. Even in groups where you really feel like you belong.)
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
Belonging is a SPECTRUM. Not a binary.
You don’t “belong” or “not belong.”
You’re SOMEWHERE on the spectrum.
And understanding where you are, instead of panicking that you’re not “fully in” changes everything.
Stop asking: “Do I belong?”
Start asking: “Where am I on the spectrum? And is that okay for now?”
Look at the INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIPS in the group.
Stop comparing every interaction to your closest person.
Accept that belonging moves at different rates in different groups.
Use small intimacies to test the waters.
And remember:
It’s okay to belong at whatever level feels natural for YOU.
Maybe there are groups where you’re okay not feeling “fully part of it.”
Because there are parts you don’t love, but parts you DO. Or people you love. Or you get a sense of identity from that group.
Like so many other things in friendship:
It’s whatever feels right to YOU.
Still not sure? Listen to Episode 74 about small intimacies and Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.
Ready to stop stressing about “fully belonging” and start appreciating the spectrum? Tune into the full episode for everything above and more.
