Here’s a question that’s going to make you uncomfortable: What makes someone your friend?
Think about it for a second. Really think about it.
Can you actually articulate what transforms an acquaintance into a friend? Is it a certain number of conversations? Shared secrets? Time spent together? Some invisible threshold that, once crossed, suddenly makes someone “count”?
If you’re struggling to answer, you’re not alone. Most people can’t explain their own friendship criteria – and that’s exactly the problem.
We’re walking through life with this arbitrary, undefined marker of “we are friends!” while completely ignoring all the meaningful connections that don’t quite meet whatever mysterious standard we’ve set.
And it’s costing us. Big time.
Here’s what I see happening: People focus so intensely on what their relationships aren’t that they miss everything they are. They dismiss the value of connections that haven’t reached some imaginary finish line, holding back from investing in relationships that could genuinely enrich their lives.
I’ll give you a perfect example. Someone will tell me, “I don’t really have any friends anymore.” Then, two minutes later, they’ll add, “Well, I guess I have work friends. But are those even real friends?”
Do you hear what’s happening there? Instead of appreciating whatever connection exists with their work friends, they’re focused entirely on whether it meets some undefined threshold they can’t even explain.
This binary thinking – either someone is your friend or they’re not – is preventing us from experiencing the full spectrum of meaningful human connection.
Why We’re Sabotaging Our Own Friendships
When you don’t see value in “simpler” friendships, you hold back. You tell yourself you don’t know someone “well enough” to show up when they need support. You don’t invest time or energy because the relationship doesn’t feel “official” yet.
But here’s the thing: those small moments of showing up? They’re exactly what builds the deeper connections you’re craving.
When you don’t appreciate what’s already there, you also get overwhelmed by what you think it takes to reach “real” friendship. You look at your closest relationships – all that history, vulnerability, and connection – and think, “That’s what I need to create with new people.” That feels like an impossible amount of work, so you don’t start at all.
But what if I told you that your closest friends were once just people who walked down the hall? Someone wearing a similar sweater who you said “hi” to? Someone you sat next to in class and started chatting with?
Back then, you saw that simple building as valuable. You recognized potential. You let small actions add up over time.
Somewhere along the way, we lost that perspective. We started expecting to fast-forward to deep intimacy instead of being present in the slow, beautiful process of connection.
The 4 Types of Friends We All Have
Instead of this all-or-nothing approach, I want to offer you a different framework – one that honors the full spectrum of friendship and helps you appreciate what’s actually happening in your relationships right now.
1. Familiar Friends
These are people you see regularly in the places where you live your life. Maybe they’re friends of friends who show up at the same parties. Someone you recognize at the gym. Another parent at your kid’s school events.
You know some familiar details about each other, but you’re not initiating much contact outside these natural encounters. Most people would say, “Oh, they’re not really my friend.”
But here’s what they’re missing: When you walk into a space where you’d otherwise know no one, these people provide familiarity, belonging, and connection. They’re the ones you can talk to at your friend’s barbecue or the school Christmas concert.
They’re also potential closer friends. But even if they never become that, they serve a valuable purpose in your life. They make you feel less alone in the world.
2. Defined Friends
These are people you have genuine closeness with, but only in one specific context. Your work friends are the perfect example.
You might share a lot with these people. They know your family dynamics, your weekend plans, your career frustrations. You spend significant time together – maybe 40+ hours a week. You support each other through work challenges and celebrate victories together.
But you don’t really hang out outside that context. And somehow, because the relationship has boundaries, people question whether it “counts.”
Here’s what I want you to consider: Your work friends are experiencing a part of your life that your closest friends, family, and romantic partner don’t really understand. They’re in it with you in ways others can’t be. That shared experience creates a unique form of intimacy that has real value.
3. Present Friends
These are the relationships most people think of as “peak” friendships. You’re doing life together. You spend lots of time together, talk about everything, support each other across multiple areas of life. They might start as work friends but extend into your personal life too.
These friendships feel amazing because they’re firing on all cylinders – time, vulnerability, shared experiences, mutual support.
But here’s where we get into trouble: We expect these friendships to sustain their peak indefinitely. We want them to feel this good all the time.
No athlete sustains their peak performance forever, and friendships can’t either. People move, change jobs, have kids, find romantic partners. The ways you connect will shift, and suddenly you’re not hanging out every weekend anymore.
When this happens, instead of grieving the change and appreciating what remains, we often get frustrated that the friendship isn’t what it used to be.
4. Historic Friends
These are relationships that were probably present friendships at one point, but something changed the way you connect. Maybe your friend moved across the country, got a demanding new job, or entered a different life stage.
It’s hard to sustain the peak when someone can’t drop by after work anymore or make every Sunday barbecue. The relationship feels different, and we have to grieve that change.
But different doesn’t mean less valuable. These people still hold your history and memories. They know you at a certain age and stage of life. They might still be the people you call for specific types of support.
The key is recognizing that there will be a different kind of peak in historic friendships – maybe deeper conversations during less frequent visits, or being the person someone calls during major life transitions.
The Magic of Small Actions
Here’s what happens when you start appreciating the full spectrum of friendship: You become more likely to show up in small ways. You’re less overwhelmed by relationship building. You end your days focusing on what was great about your interactions instead of what was missing.
And when you do that? You’re much more likely to send that follow-up text, make plans, or find new ways to connect.
Let’s get practical about this. Say your present friend moved away and one of the ways you used to spend time together was paddleboarding. Instead of mourning the loss of your paddleboarding buddy, you could connect with a defined friend who shares that interest.
Maybe they’ll never be your closest friend, but you’re both providing value to each other. You’re spending time together, enjoying a shared activity, building connection. That matters.
Or maybe your familiar friend from the gym mentions they’re dealing with a family situation. Instead of thinking, “I don’t know them well enough to help,” you could offer a small gesture of support. Maybe you bring them coffee next time you see them, or simply check in with a text.
These small actions add up. They create the foundation for deeper connection, even if that deeper connection never comes.
Holding On More Loosely
There’s something else I want you to consider: What if, instead of gripping tightly to friendships and trying to force them into specific categories, you held on more loosely?
What if you could just show up in the ways you can, offer what you have to give, and let that be valuable?
This takes so much pressure off everyone involved. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You don’t have to reach some arbitrary threshold to matter in someone’s life.
You can offer what you can offer. Others can do the same for you. And cumulatively, these moments stack up to create the support system you need.
Maybe you’re the friend someone calls for career advice but not relationship problems. Maybe you’re the one who remembers birthdays but doesn’t give the best pep talks. Maybe you’re fantastic at showing up during crises but not great at casual hangouts.
All of that has value. All of that matters.
Redefining What Counts
I have this belief that if we untangle the ways we’re connected to people – through shared experiences, emotional intimacy, and our beliefs and expectations – we’ll realize we’re more connected than we initially thought.
When you start looking at friendship as a spectrum rather than a binary, you begin to appreciate relationships for what they offer rather than dismissing them for what they don’t.
That work friend who listens to your career frustrations? They’re providing real support in an area where you need it.
That familiar friend at your kid’s school? They’re making you feel less alone in spaces where you might otherwise feel isolated.
That historic friend who moved away? They still know you in ways that newer friends don’t, and that shared history has ongoing value.
None of these relationships need to become your closest friendship to matter in your life.
The Small Actions That Change Everything
Your closest friends didn’t start as close friends. They started as people you said hi to, sat next to, discovered shared interests with. You saw those simple interactions as having potential, and you let small actions build into something bigger.
You can tap back into that mindset with the relationships in your life right now.
Instead of waiting for some mysterious threshold to be crossed, start appreciating what’s already there. Send that text. Make that small gesture. Show up in whatever way feels authentic to you.
Don’t feel like you have to “be it all” or expect others to “be it all.” Let relationships be what they are, and trust that small, consistent actions create meaningful connection over time.
Your Next Step
So here’s what I want you to do: Look at your life right now and identify the different types of friends you have.
Where do you have familiar friends who make spaces feel more welcoming? What defined friendships are providing value in specific areas of your life? Which present friendships are you grateful for, and how can you appreciate them without expecting them to stay exactly the same forever? What historic friendships still offer connection and support, even if they look different than they used to?
Then pick one relationship and take one small action this week. Not because you’re trying to force it into a different category, but because you appreciate what it already offers.
Because here’s the truth: When you stop waiting for relationships to meet some arbitrary standard and start appreciating the spectrum of connection that’s already in your life, you realize you’re not as alone as you thought.
You’re surrounded by people who provide familiarity, support, shared experiences, and connection in dozens of different ways. Some of those relationships might deepen over time. Others might stay exactly as they are.
Both are valuable. Both deserve to be appreciated. Both make your life richer.
Stop waiting for “real” friends. Start appreciating the real connections you already have.
Which type of friend do you have most of in your life right now? What’s one small action you could take this week to appreciate someone in your world?
