“The way you talk about making friends sounds kind of like dating.”
A friend said this to me recently, and honestly? She’s not wrong. But before you close this tab and decide adult friendship is doomed to be awkward forever, hear me out.
Yes, making friends as an adult has similarities to dating. But there’s one crucial difference that makes it so much better: the pressure.
Think about what we expect from romantic partners. They’re supposed to be our best friend, provide romantic intimacy, manage finances with us, co-parent our kids, think of us constantly, romance us, and surprise us. That’s an impossible list of requirements for one person to fulfill.
But friendship? Friendship gets to be lighter. There’s value in even our simplest connections. You don’t need to find one person who meets every social and emotional need you have. You can just enjoy meeting new people, trying new things, and connecting in different ways.
The problem is most of us have never actually been taught how to make friends as adults.
Where Did You Learn About Friendship?
Seriously, think about it. Where did your ideas about what friendship should look like come from?
Schools teach basic social skills to kindergarteners – sharing, using your words, maybe setting simple boundaries. But there are no “Friendship 101” classes for teenagers or adults. There are countless books about romantic relationships and parenting, but the friendship section of the bookstore is pretty sparse.
Most of what we know about friendship comes from observation – watching our parents, our friends, our friends’ parents. And here’s what I’ve learned from talking to hundreds of people: many adults today never saw their parents maintain strong friendships. Their parents might have had work colleagues or church acquaintances, but they rarely saw adults prioritize friendship or navigate the complexities of maintaining close relationships outside the family.
So where else do we learn? From media. From TV shows, movies, books, and social media.
And here’s the problem with that: Media is designed to sell, to hold our attention, to get good ratings. There’s supposed to be drama because that keeps us hooked. There’s supposed to be some dream situation because we want to escape into it.
But instead of recognizing this as curated content crafted to entertain us, we look at these portrayals and think, “This is what friendship should be.”
The Myths We Need to Let Go Of
The “Pick Up Where We Left Off” Friend
We put these friendships on a pedestal, and I get why – they’re beautiful. But let’s be honest about what’s actually happening. You see this old friend, you go to that restaurant you used to love, you order the same things, you tell old stories, you live in the nostalgia.
It feels amazing because it’s like a vacation from your current reality. But you’re not actually living in the present moment with this person. You’re celebrating who you used to be together, not who you are now.
There’s nothing wrong with this! These friendships have real value. But the reason we love them is because at one point, we actually lived our daily lives with these people. We did mundane things together, shared real-time experiences, and navigated ups and downs side-by-side.
The “Always Be There For Me” Friend
Another friendship myth: the friend who will always be there for you. Again, these can be wonderful relationships. But sometimes we use this belief as permission to not really invest in the friendship.
We lean so hard on the story that “they’ll always be there” that we stop creating evidence to support that belief. If you only call this person once every two years when you’re in crisis, and one of those times they can’t be available, suddenly your entire belief system about the friendship crumbles.
The magic isn’t in having friends who will always be there no matter what. It’s in having friends you stay connected with through small, consistent actions that build trust over time.
The Real Way Adults Make Friends
Here’s my not-very-exciting answer to “How do I make friends as an adult?”:
You meet people who are also somewhere you happen to be, and then you do things together over time until you care about each other.
That’s it. That’s how you made your closest friends too, even if you don’t remember it that way.
Your best friend from high school? They were just the person who sat in front of you in algebra. You helped each other with homework, learned you both wanted to try out for soccer, hung out at practice, discovered they liked chocolate chip cookies, met their mom, went to their house for dinner, traveled for games together.
They were just another person, until you lived life together and built a foundation of shared experiences and mutual care.
Getting Specific About What You Want
If you tell me “I want to make new friends,” that’s like saying “I want to retire with a lot of money.” How much money? Which of the 50 different strategies for building wealth appeals to you?
“I want to make friends” is too vague to be actionable.
Instead, get specific:
- What do you want to do with friends? Travel? Try new restaurants? Play tennis? Talk about books?
- What do you want to connect over? Career goals? Parenting challenges? Creative projects? Fitness?
- How do you want to spend time together? Active adventures? Quiet conversations? Group activities?
When you get specific, two magical things happen:
- You develop a cognitive bias – like when you’re thinking about buying a certain car and suddenly see that model everywhere, you’ll start noticing potential friends who share your interests
- You can put yourself in places where these people actually are – instead of hoping to randomly meet your ideal hiking buddy at the grocery store
The Joy of Adult Friendship
Here’s what’s actually amazing about making friends as an adult: You have so much more control than you did as a kid.
In school, you were stuck with whoever happened to be in your class or lived in your neighborhood. But as an adult, you can intentionally put yourself in places where you’ll meet people who share your interests and values.
If you’re artistic and your high school had a terrible arts program, you can join an adult pottery class or painting group. If you love books, you can join a book club. If you want to get in shape, you can join a running group or rock climbing gym.
You get to be intentional about the kinds of people you spend time with.
Moving Beyond “Defined” Friends
Here’s where a lot of adults get stuck: they meet someone at the gym and that person becomes their “gym friend” forever. They might share deeply with this person, know all about their family and career goals, but the relationship never expands beyond that one context.
The way to move past this is to start inviting people into other parts of your life. This is what I call creating new “shared experience roots.”
Maybe you and your gym friend both have kids the same age – suggest a family dinner. Maybe you both want to travel – propose a weekend trip together. Maybe you both love trying new restaurants – meet up for dinner instead of just seeing each other at the gym.
The more contexts you share with someone, the more integrated they become in your life. That’s exactly what happened with your closest friends – you met them in one place, but over time you let them into multiple areas of your life.
The Messy, Beautiful Reality
Making friends as an adult isn’t exciting in the way movies make it seem. There’s no montage of instant connection and perfect adventures. It’s small actions repeated over time. It’s being curious about people. It’s taking small risks to invite someone to do something new. It’s being vulnerable enough to let people see your real life, not just your polished version.
And here’s the thing that nobody talks about: some of your best friends probably didn’t like you at first, or you didn’t like them. Real connection takes time to develop.
You can’t collect everything you love about someone in a month. The deep affection you feel for your closest friends exists because of hundreds of small interactions over years – the time they brought you soup when you were sick, the way they laughed at your terrible joke, how they showed up when you needed help moving, the random Tuesday when you had the best conversation about something completely unexpected.
Your Next Step
Stop waiting for friendship to feel like the movies. Stop putting pressure on every new person you meet to become your new best friend.
Instead, get curious. Get specific about what you’re looking for. Put yourself in places where you might meet people who share your interests. And when you do meet someone interesting, take small steps to let them into other areas of your life.
The goal isn’t to find one perfect friend who meets all your needs. The goal is to build a network of people who, collectively, bring joy, support, adventure, and connection to your life in different ways.
It’s messier than the movies make it seem. It takes longer than we’d like. But it’s also more sustainable, more authentic, and ultimately more fulfilling than any highlight reel friendship could ever be.
What’s one specific thing you’d like to do with a new friend? And where might you go to meet someone who shares that interest?
