Have you ever noticed how exhausting “catching up” with friends can feel?
You schedule that long-awaited coffee date or phone call, and suddenly you’re faced with this daunting task: summarizing months or years of your life in a few hours. Where do you even start? Your work situation? Your dating life? Your family drama? Your health journey?
It’s overwhelming. And honestly? It’s not actually creating the connection you’re craving.
Here’s why: When you’re “catching up,” you’re essentially giving someone a recap of things that already happened to you. You’re updating them on your recent past instead of being present together. You’re reporting on your life rather than living it with them.
And that’s exactly why those catch-up sessions often leave you feeling like something was missing, even when you’ve covered all the “important” updates.
The Real Secret to Meaningful Adult Friendships
My friend Alexandra Friedman, founder of Connection Feast, and I have been diving deep into this topic because we’ve both experienced the difference between surface-level socializing and genuine connection.
When Alexandra and I first connected (after she slid into my DMs when she realized we both lived in Seattle), we could have easily fallen into the typical pattern of coffee dates where we just downloaded our life stories to each other.
Instead, we started doing things together. We went paddleboarding. We took walks. We discovered playground slides near my house and spent an afternoon acting like kids, racing down them and laughing until our stomachs hurt. We tried new activities, ran errands together, and explored parts of the city neither of us had been to.
And you know what happened? We created memories in real-time instead of just exchanging information about memories we’d already made separately.
Why “Doing” Beats “Telling” Every Time
Think about your most memorable moments with friends. I’m willing to bet they weren’t the times you sat across from each other at a restaurant methodically covering every life update. They were probably the spontaneous conversations that happened while you were doing something else entirely.
Maybe it was the deep talk that happened during a long car ride. The vulnerable moment that emerged while you were cooking together. The breakthrough realization that came while you were hiking a challenging trail.
When you’re engaged in an activity together, several magical things happen:
You’re creating shared experiences. Instead of hearing about someone’s life, you’re participating in it. You’re both collecting the same memory at the same time.
Vulnerability happens naturally. When Alexandra and I went paddleboarding, she had to admit she’d never inflated her own board before. When I jumped in the water afterward (something that’s deeply meaningful to me), she witnessed a moment of pure joy that told her more about who I am than any life update could have.
The pressure is off. There’s no expectation to fill every moment with meaningful conversation. You can have comfortable silences, spontaneous laughter, and organic moments of connection.
You learn how someone moves through the world. You see how they handle challenges, how they treat strangers, how they respond when things don’t go as planned. These insights are far more valuable than any summary they could give you about their personality.
The Small Intimacies That Build Big Friendships
Here’s something most people don’t understand about adult friendship: It’s not built on grand gestures or dramatic vulnerable moments. It’s built on what I call “small intimacies” – little moments of letting someone in.
These might look like:
- Inviting someone into your home (even if it’s messy)
- Asking for help with something small
- Admitting you don’t know how to do something
- Sharing a simple preference or fear
- Letting someone see you when you’re not “on”
When Alexandra and I discovered those playground slides, she was initially worried her hips wouldn’t fit through the narrow opening. She was asking questions about what would happen at the bottom, whether it was safe, whether she’d get stuck.
In that moment, she was letting me see her uncertainty and vulnerability in a completely natural way. And when we both went down those slides, laughing and acting like kids, we created a shared moment of playfulness that bonded us more than any deep conversation about our childhoods could have.
The Formula for Better Friend Dates
If you want to move beyond surface-level catch-ups, here’s what Alexandra and I recommend:
Be Specific When You Reach Out
Instead of “Let’s catch up sometime,” try:
- “I’ve been wanting to try that new hiking trail – want to join me?”
- “I need to run errands this Saturday – want to keep me company?”
- “There’s a cooking class I’ve been eyeing – interested in signing up together?”
Pick Activities That Allow for Conversation
The best friend activities are ones where you can talk while doing them:
- Walking or hiking
- Cooking together
- Trying a new hobby or class
- Running errands
- Working on a project
Create “Containers” for Connection
Alexandra talks about creating containers – structured environments where connection can happen naturally. This might be:
- A monthly book club
- A weekly walking group
- A seasonal activity (like apple picking every fall)
- A shared class or workshop
The structure removes the pressure of constantly planning while providing consistent opportunities to connect.
Why This Approach Actually Works Better
When you focus on doing things together rather than just talking, you accomplish several things that traditional catch-ups can’t:
You see people in action. How someone handles getting lost on a hike tells you more about their character than hearing them describe how they handle stress.
You create inside jokes and shared references. That time you both got completely lost looking for the trailhead becomes a story you’ll laugh about for years.
You build trust gradually. Small moments of vulnerability (like admitting you’re out of shape halfway up a hill) are less overwhelming than trying to share your deepest fears over coffee.
You have more fun. Let’s be honest – doing things is usually more enjoyable than just talking about things you’ve already done.
The Advanced Friend-Making Strategy
Here’s something Alexandra discovered when she analyzed her most meaningful friendships: The best connections often came through specific, intentional introductions or shared interests.
Instead of trying to meet “friends” in general, she started being specific about what she was looking for:
- “I’m looking for hiking buddies who like local trails”
- “I want to find other entrepreneurs to talk shop with”
- “I need accountability partners for my fitness goals”
This specificity made it easier for people to know if they were a good fit, and it gave new friendships a clear starting point.
When you meet someone through a shared interest or activity, you already have built-in conversation topics, regular opportunities to see each other, and a reason to invest time in the relationship.
Moving Beyond the Catch-Up Trap
The next time you find yourself wanting to “catch up” with a friend, try this instead:
- Pick an activity you genuinely want to do (so you’ll enjoy yourself even if the friendship doesn’t deepen)
- Invite them to join you with specific details and options
- Focus on being present rather than covering all your life updates
- Look for small moments of connection rather than waiting for big revelations
- Follow up based on what you discover about shared interests or values
Remember: The goal isn’t to become best friends overnight. It’s to create opportunities for genuine connection to develop naturally.
The Bottom Line
Your friends don’t need a comprehensive life update from you. They need to experience life with you.
So instead of scheduling another catch-up call, text them about that cooking class you’ve been wanting to try. Invite them to join you for your weekend farmers market run. Ask if they want to check out that new art exhibit you’ve been curious about.
Stop trying to fill each other in on everything that’s happened. Start making things happen together.
Because here’s the truth: The friendships that sustain us aren’t built on knowing every detail of each other’s lives. They’re built on sharing experiences, creating memories, and showing up for each other in real-time.
The catch-up can wait. The connection can’t.
What’s one activity you’ve been wanting to try that you could invite a friend to join you for? And what’s stopping you from sending that text right now?
