Golden Thread
THE GOLDEN THREAD:
We’re told to find friends in the same life stage – but what if seeking out friends in DIFFERENT life stages actually relieves pressure, offers wisdom, creates space to be ourselves, and makes scheduling easier? Sometimes the differences are exactly what we need.
This episode is about flipping the script on what we think friendship “should” look like and discovering unexpected value in unlikely connections.
TWO POTENTIAL DIRECTIONS:
DIRECTION 1: “Why I’m Actively Looking for a Retired Friend (And You Might Want One Too)”
Focus: Your personal journey + the four reasons + practical how-to
Structure:
- ▪️ Opens with the phrase that makes your brain go “ding ding ding” (same life stage)
- ▪️ Your realization about wanting different life stage friends
- ▪️ The symmetry vs. differences framework (Danielle’s book)
- ▪️ Reason #1: Less pressure to compare (the car example)
- ▪️ Reason #2: Sharing wisdom and learning (your retired friend quest)
- ▪️ Your sister’s younger friend example (being the wise one)
- ▪️ Reason #3: More space to be yourself (water aerobics, sewing class, wanting to go dancing)
- ▪️ Reason #4: Time (the parent friend visits, competing schedules)
- ▪️ How to actually do this (neighborhood, being proactive)
- ▪️ Closes with permission to seek unlikely connections
Why this works: Your personal quest for a retired walking friend is such a compelling hook. The four reasons are clear and well-illustrated. Your vulnerability about water aerobics and wanting to go dancing occasionally is relatable. The parent friend example is powerful. It feels like you’re working through this in real-time.
DIRECTION 2: “The Four Reasons to Stop Only Making Friends Your Own Age”
Focus: The concept + reasons + examples
Structure:
- ▪️ Opens with the “same life stage” assumption
- ▪️ Why we default to sameness (Danielle’s symmetry concept)
- ▪️ The flip: what if we sought differences first?
- ▪️ Four reasons with examples for each
- ▪️ How to find these friends
- ▪️ Practical tips
- ▪️ Closes with permission
Why this works: More instructional and concept-focused. Clearer structure. But might lose some of the personal vulnerability and real-time discovery that makes Direction 1 special.
MY TAKE:
I’m strongly leaning toward Direction 1 because:
- ▪️ Your personal quest for a retired walking friend is SO compelling and specific
- ▪️ The “ding ding ding” opening is perfect
- ▪️ Your vulnerability about water aerobics (being decades younger than everyone) is relatable
- ▪️ The car comparison example is visceral
- ▪️ Your sister’s sewing class story is delightful
- ▪️ The parent friend weekday visits are a perfect example of Reason #4
- ▪️ Your wanting to go dancing occasionally is vulnerable and real
- ▪️ The progression from “here’s what people ask me” to “here’s what I’m actively seeking” feels authentic
- ▪️ The grandpa reference adds emotional depth
- ▪️ It feels like you’re discovering this alongside the reader
Direction 2 works if you want more instructional content, but I think Direction 1 better captures your authentic exploration of this topic and makes it feel less prescriptive.
I’ve been working from home in my Seattle neighborhood for years now, and lately, I’ve noticed something: I’m lonely.
Not in that dramatic, curl-up-on-the-couch-with-ice-cream way. More like… I look up from my laptop at 2pm on a Tuesday and realize I haven’t had a real conversation with another human in days. Michael’s back in the office. My friends are all working. And I’m here, staring at my screen, wondering when adulting got so isolating.
So I did what any reasonable person would do: I decided I needed to make a new friend.
But here’s where it gets interesting. I didn’t go looking for someone my age. I didn’t seek out another work-from-home professional in their mid-30s. Instead, I decided I wanted to befriend someone who’s retired. Someone who might want to meet up once or twice a week for a walk through the neighborhood. Someone who’s living a completely different life stage than I am.
And when I mentioned this on my Instagram Stories? My DMs exploded.
People wanted to know: Why would you actively seek out friends in a different life stage? Isn’t it easier to connect with people who just… get it? Who are going through the same things you’re going through?
Here’s the thing: We’ve all been taught that the key to good friendship is finding people in the same life stage. And look, I spend most of my time talking about how to identify what you have in common with people and go connect with them. But what if we’ve been looking at this all wrong?
What if the differences are actually the gift?
The Friendship Filter We’re All Using (Without Questioning It)
Let me tell you about a phrase that makes a buzzer go off in my head every single time I hear it. And trust me, I hear it a LOT in my work:
“I just want to make friends who are in the same stage of life. I just want someone who gets it.”
I love that goal. I really do. But here’s what I’ve been noticing: Sometimes that filter—that insistence on sameness—is actually making our friendship lives harder, not easier.
Think about it. We seek out people in our exact life stage, only to discover they’re making totally different choices than we are. They bought the new car when we’re focused on retirement savings. They’re staying home with their kids when we’re climbing the career ladder. They’re child-free by choice when we’re deep in the parenting trenches.
And suddenly, instead of feeling supported, we’re defending our choices. Comparing ourselves. Wondering if we made the right decision.
Sound familiar?
My recent podcast guest, Danielle Bayard Jackson, talks about this in her book Fighting for Our Friendships. She has this framework called the three affinities of female friendship, and the first one is symmetry—that feeling of sameness, equality, and reciprocity that we bond over.
And yeah, research shows that perceived similarity makes us more likely to trust someone, especially at the beginning of a friendship.
But here’s what I keep coming back to: We’re all growing and changing and evolving. Which means that even if you start a friendship with perfect symmetry, differences WILL appear over time. The longer you’re friends with someone, the more those differences show up.
So what if—hear me out—what if we flipped this whole thing on its head?
What if instead of seeking out the similarities first and dealing with differences later, we went looking for the differences? And then, as our relationship grows, we discover what we actually have in common?
Why I’m Actively Looking for a Retired Walking Buddy
Back to my quest for a retired friend.
I live in a very established Seattle neighborhood. There are families with young kids everywhere, sure. But there are also people who’ve owned their homes here for 50 years. People who are fully retired, living their post-career lives, probably walking past my house every single day.
And I keep thinking: Man, there are probably some really delightful people right here in my neighborhood.
So here’s what I want: I want to meet one or two retired neighbors who’d be up for a regular walk. Maybe once or twice a week. We meet on a street corner, walk around for 30 minutes, chat about whatever, and then I go back to work.
That’s it. That’s the whole vision.
And you know what? I think it would be absolutely delightful.
It would get me out of the house. Give me some social time during my workday. Connect me with someone who’s living a totally different stage of life and probably has some things to teach me. It reminds me of my grandpa, who passed away, and what I wouldn’t give to have regular walks with him now.
But more than that? It would be so simple. So easy to integrate into my life. Low-lift, high-value. We’re not trying to coordinate schedules across multiple commitments. We’re just… walking and talking.
When I shared this on Instagram, people were genuinely curious. Like, why would you want that? What’s the appeal of actively seeking out someone in a completely different life stage?
So let me break down the four reasons why this might be one of the smartest friendship moves you could make.
Four Reasons Your Next Best Friend Might Be Decades Older (Or Younger) Than You
1. Way Less Pressure to Compare Yourself
Let me paint you a picture.
Michael and I are sitting on a patio with friends—people around our age, similar life circumstances. We casually mention that we went to a car dealership, test drove something, but decided to pass because we have other financial goals right now.
We weren’t talking about anyone else’s choices. We weren’t judging. We were just… sharing what we decided.
But you know what happens next? Our friends who recently bought a new car immediately start defending their decision. “Oh yeah, well we’re hitting our savings goals too, and we’re doing this and that, and we just decided we wanted a car this year…”
Nobody asked. Nobody was thinking about their car. But the pressure to justify, to compare, to prove they made the right choice? It’s immediate.
We’ve all been there. I’m in my mid-30s, which feels like this pressure cooker age where everyone’s navigating huge decisions—buying houses, having kids (or not), changing careers, moving cities. Every choice feels high-stakes. And when we’re surrounded by people making similar decisions at the same time, it’s SO easy to fall into the comparison trap.
But befriending someone in a different life stage? That pressure evaporates.
My retired neighbor isn’t buying a car right now. They’re not deciding whether to have kids. They’re planning their next trip or figuring out what hobby to dive into next. There’s nothing to compare. Nothing to defend.
And honestly? That might make those friendships feel more fun, more enjoyable, more like actual friendship instead of this weird competitive performance we sometimes fall into with our peers.
2. Sharing Wisdom and Learning From Each Other
Here’s something I don’t talk about enough: I get pretty lonely working from home Monday through Friday.
I actually did a whole episode about learned loneliness—how I realized that the isolation of working from home was affecting me more than I wanted to admit. And part of my solution has been getting more proactive about getting out of the house.
But when I thought about the types of friends I wanted to add to my life, I kept coming back to this retired neighbor idea.
Because here’s the thing: I’m not just looking for someone to fill time with. I’m looking for someone who might broaden my horizons. Someone who’s lived more life than I have. Someone who has stories I’ve never heard and perspectives I haven’t considered.
It makes me think about all the people in my neighborhood who’ve probably owned their homes for decades. Who’ve raised families here. Who’ve lived through career changes and life transitions and are now in this whole new chapter.
What could I learn from them? What wisdom might they share on those weekly walks?
And here’s the flip side: Maybe I have something to offer them too. Maybe they’d enjoy hearing about my work, my travels, the chaos of trying to build a business while figuring out life. Maybe our friendship would give them a window into a different generation’s experience.
The complete episode explores this dynamic so much more—how intergenerational friendships create this beautiful exchange where both people learn and grow. There’s something about stepping outside your immediate peer group that just… opens things up in ways you don’t expect.
3. More Space to Actually Be Yourself
Okay, this one’s going to sound weird at first, but stay with me.
When we surround ourselves with people all in the same life stage, it’s really easy to feel like we need to “act our age” or fit into whatever box that life stage represents.
If you’re in your 60s or 70s, maybe you feel pressure to act a certain way. If you’re a new parent, suddenly you need to “act like a mom.” I’ve had so many friends tell me it’s nice to have child-free friends because they can go out and remember they’re more than just a parent.
Befriending people in different life stages can give you permission to tap into parts of yourself you might feel like you’ve lost—or parts you’ve never fully explored.
My sister J (who’s 27, eight and a half years younger than me) wanted to learn to sew. So she signed up for a class taught by this delightful woman in her late 60s or early 70s. The class met in the teacher’s basement. There were maybe five or six people total.
J called me after the first class and was like, “I am the youngest person by DECADES.”
And I was like, “I LOVE THAT SO MUCH.”
Because here’s the thing: Right now, those are the people getting together to learn quilting. Not a ton of 27-year-olds are doing that. But J wanted to learn, and joining that class allowed her to fully lean into that interest without worrying about whether it was “age-appropriate” or whatever.
I have my own version of this. I love water aerobics. Like, genuinely love it. I go to the community pool in my neighborhood, usually to the 10:30am class, which is… mostly retirees. I’m regularly the youngest person there by multiple decades.
And you know what? It’s super fun. I think people wonder what I’m doing there. But I enjoy it. And the joy is that I don’t need to find sameness with these people in every area of my life. We can just show up, do water aerobics together, maybe chat a bit, and that’s enough.
I don’t need to compare myself. We can lean into this one shared interest and let it be what it is. No pressure to make it more than that.
4. Time Flexibility (Especially If You’re Parenting Young Kids)
Alright, this one’s going to resonate hard if you’re in the thick of parenting young children.
Here’s what I believe, and I think research backs this up: The most time-scarce people right now are folks juggling young kids, careers, running a household, and trying to maintain some semblance of health, friendships, and hobbies. It’s A LOT.
And yet, so many parents tell me they want to make friends who are in the exact same life stage. Because theoretically, it should be easier to get together when everyone’s dealing with the same nap schedules and activities and chaos, right?
But here’s what I’ve noticed as someone who currently doesn’t have kids: It’s actually often easier for me to hang out with my parent friends than it is for them to coordinate with other parents.
Because I have way more time flexibility.
My parent friends can basically say, “We have a nap at this time, lunch at this time, we need to leave by this time.” And I’m like, “Yeah, sure, sounds good.” Because I don’t have a kid with a slightly different nap schedule or food preferences or whatever.
I can just fold into their timeline. And honestly? That often makes it easier to actually see each other.
I have a friend who’s a stay-at-home mom. They moved to the suburbs from the city—about a 45-minute drive for me. We see them pretty regularly, but I make a point to go down once a month on a weekday and just hang out.
And when I say “hang out,” I mean I literally do whatever she was going to do that day anyway. Sometimes that’s Little Gym or library storytime or a walk in the neighborhood. Sometimes it’s running errands—returns, grocery pickup, whatever. We play in the backyard. We sit on the couch and chat during the miracle moments when both little girls nap at the same time.
Other times, we’re sitting on the floor having chopped-up conversations between playing with dolls and reading books.
We make it work. And we can do that because I don’t have the same time constraints she does.
She always tells me that when she mentions I’m coming down, other moms in the neighborhood are like, “Wait, what do you guys even DO together?” Or “I can’t even imagine having a friend without kids who would come hang out on a random Tuesday.”
And I’m like… I want to live in a world where this is normal! Where we CAN do this!
Because honestly, I know for a fact that coordinating with other parent friends—where there are competing nap schedules and activities and everyone’s juggling the same constraints—is sometimes way harder than what my friend and I have figured out.
The only thing we had to overcome was the vulnerability of spending time together when we’re in very different life stages. Not the logistics. Not the time piece.
In the full episode, I go way deeper into how this works in practice—the specific ways that cross-life-stage friendships can actually solve scheduling problems rather than create them. If you’re drowning in the logistics of trying to maintain friendships while parenting young kids, this perspective might be exactly what you need to hear.
But How Do You Actually MEET These People?
Okay, so maybe I’ve convinced you. Maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “You know what? A retired walking buddy sounds amazing. Or a younger friend who’d love to join our family dinners. Or someone older who could mentor me through this career transition.”
But then comes the obvious question: How do you actually meet people in different life stages?
Because here’s the thing—we usually meet people in the places we frequent, right? If you’re a retiree, you meet people at water aerobics. If you’re a parent, you meet people at your kid’s soccer games. We naturally gravitate toward spaces where people in our life stage hang out.
So if you want to meet people in different life stages, you have two options:
Option 1: Be more open in the simple places you’re already showing up.
Your neighborhood. Your workplace. Friends of friends. Family connections. Religious communities.
Start paying attention to people you might have previously overlooked because they didn’t fit your “same life stage” filter. That retired couple down the street who’s always gardening? Maybe invite them to your next backyard barbecue. That younger colleague at work who’s navigating living on their own for the first time? Maybe grab coffee and offer some perspective (not advice, just… presence).
Option 2: Be more proactive and go to the places where they are.
This is what I’m doing with the water aerobics thing. I decided I wanted to meet people who are retired, and I chose an activity I genuinely enjoy that happens to attract that demographic.
Was it a little uncomfortable at first being the youngest person by multiple decades? Yeah. Did I have to laugh about it and remind myself why I was there? Absolutely.
But the more I’ve gone, the less uncomfortable it’s gotten. And I’ve had some genuinely lovely conversations with people I never would have met otherwise.
Remember: Not Everyone Has to Be Your Closest Friend
Here’s something I need you to really hear: Nobody starts out as your closest, deepest friend. And not everyone needs to get there.
There’s so much value in even our simplest connections. That retired neighbor you walk with twice a week might never become your best friend—and that’s totally okay. They might be the perfect person filling a very specific need in your life that you didn’t even realize you had.
For me, that need is: getting out of my house and having real human conversation during my workday. Currently, none of my closest friends live nearby. Some work from home, but coordinating our meeting schedules for a midday walk is complicated.
But if I open myself up to someone who’s retired? Someone with way more time flexibility than even I have (which is saying something)? They might feel the exact same need I do—to get out, chat with someone interesting, add a little color to their day.
And isn’t that connection worth it?
I think it is.
Your Turn: Who Could You Connect With?
So here’s what I actually want you to do this week (not just think about, but actually DO):
Think about one person in a different life stage than you who you could reach out to.
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ A retired neighbor you always see but have never really talked to
- ▪️ A younger colleague at work who seems cool but you’ve never invited to lunch
- ▪️ A friend’s parent who you’ve always enjoyed chatting with at gatherings
- ▪️ That person at your gym/library/coffee shop who’s clearly in a different season of life but seems delightful
And then? Reach out. Invite them for a walk. Ask if they want to grab coffee. See if they’d be interested in joining you for something you’re already doing.
Will it feel a little vulnerable? Probably. Might it be slightly awkward at first? Maybe.
But here’s what I know: Some of the most delightful, surprising, perspective-shifting friendships come from connections we almost didn’t make because they didn’t fit our predetermined filter of what a friend “should” look like.
Your retired walking buddy is out there. Your younger friend who’d love to learn from you is out there. Your cross-generational connection that will add color and wisdom and joy to your life in ways you can’t even imagine yet?
They’re out there.
You just have to be willing to look beyond the “same life stage” filter and see them.
Want to hear more about navigating friendships across different life stages? Listen to the full episode of Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. I dive deeper into the vulnerability piece, share more real-life examples, and talk about how to actually sustain these friendships over time. Subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations about building the friendship life you actually want—not just the one you think you’re “supposed” to have.
What about you? Do you have friendships with people in different life stages? What has that taught you? I’d love to hear your stories—send me a DM on Instagram @itsalexalexander or leave a voice message at alexalex.chat.
