Here’s something I want you to sit with for a minute: for some people, building friendships isn’t about having a fun social life or weekend plans. It’s literally about survival.
I know that might sound dramatic, but stay with me. Because after talking with my guest Noah on the podcast, I realized we need to get real about something most of us never talk about – the fact that some people are fighting for their lives, and chosen family isn’t a luxury. It’s the difference between making it through and not making it through.
The Skills No One Taught Us
Noah shared something on the episode that stopped me in my tracks:
“The only thing my brain knows is structured socialization. I’ve never been in a situation where I needed to, like willingly socialize and make a schedule for it or even try to make friends, because, yeah, maybe I’d go to church, but I had my siblings and they would make all the first moves for me.”
Right? Like… how many of us can relate to this?
Think about it. From birth to age 18 (and honestly, sometimes beyond), most of us live in this bubble of structured socialization. Your family chooses where you live. They choose your community. They set the precedent for what’s “acceptable.” You go to school where friendships kind of just… happen because you’re all stuck in the same building for hours every day.
But then what? You graduate, maybe go to college, maybe move to a new city, and suddenly you’re supposed to magically know how to build meaningful connections from scratch. Nobody teaches you how to “willingly socialize.” Nobody gives you a manual for creating chosen family.
And for some people – like Noah, like many people in the LGBTQ+ community, like anyone whose biological family isn’t safe or supportive – figuring this out isn’t just about having people to grab brunch with. It’s about having people who will literally keep you alive.
When Connection Is Air
Noah’s story really drove this home for me. After high school, he went to study drama in college and eventually moved to Miami. Sounds exciting, right? But here’s what really happened: he fell into a deep depression. He was in Florida, where (let’s be honest) there’s a lot of anti-LGBTQ+ legislation making life harder for people like him. And he was trying to navigate adulthood without the connection skills he needed to build the support system that could have saved him from drowning.
Connection is air. I’ve said this before, but I need to say it again because I don’t think we really get it. When you can’t breathe, you don’t think about breathing as a “nice-to-have.” You think about it as the thing that keeps you alive.
In the full episode, Noah goes much deeper into what it was like growing up thinking his reality was normal, and how he slowly realized that other people’s homes actually felt safe. It’s a perspective that might help you understand why someone’s family choices seem so different from what you’d expect.
You Don’t Need to Understand to Accept
Here’s where Noah shared something that honestly changed how I think about community building. He said that so many people think they need to understand you to accept you, but the reality is different. We’re never going to understand why and how each person in the world lives – and we don’t need to in order to accept them for who they are.
Let that sit with you for a minute…
This is huge. Because how many times have you held back from connecting with someone because you didn’t “get” their life? How many times have you felt like you couldn’t be fully yourself because you assumed people needed to understand your story before they could accept you?
The truth is, the people who become your chosen family aren’t necessarily the ones who understand every detail of your journey. They’re the ones who see you as you are and say, “I’m here. I’m staying. You matter.”
Building Life-Sustaining Connections
So how do you actually build these relationships when you’re starting from scratch? When you’ve never learned to “willingly socialize” and the stakes feel impossibly high?
First, acknowledge that this is a skill. Just like Noah said – building friendships and community takes hard work to master. You’re not bad at this because it feels hard. You’re learning something most people never had to consciously learn.
Second, understand that resilience comes from practice, not perfection. Fear of rejection in friendship is real, especially when you’re a beginner. But here’s what I want you to know: being rejected by someone doesn’t make you unworthy. It makes you someone who tried. And trying is literally the only way to build the resilience you need for this.
Third, start where you are, even if it doesn’t feel perfect. Noah talked about making friends with people with whom he didn’t feel like himself, as a means of surviving that phase of life. And you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes survival friendships are the bridge that gets you to the relationships where you can be fully yourself.
Fourth, remember that relationships are a daily choice. Noah put it perfectly: “Being in a relationship with anyone, period, is actively choosing everyday to be in that relationship with that person. You’re not promised something with someone. Whether you think you are or not, any moment, someone can unfortunately pass away. They can choose to leave you. Nothing is promised. The choice is active every day to continue this thing with this person.”
This might sound scary, but I actually find it hopeful. Because it means that every day someone chooses to stay in relationship with you, it’s intentional. It’s real. It matters.
The complete episode explores how Noah actually built these relationships – the specific moments when he had to choose vulnerability over safety, and how he learned to let people into his life in ways that felt terrifying but necessary. If you’re curious about what that process actually looks like, it’s all in there.
The Alternative to “Pull Yourself Up”
Here’s something that really got to me in our conversation. Noah talked about the messages society tells us – if you’re low, get yourself out of it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Figure it out on your own.
But what if there’s an alternative? What if instead of expecting people to save themselves, we created communities that can hold and love people when they’re in their low points?
This is what chosen family really means. It’s not just having people to celebrate with when life is good. It’s having people who will show up when you can’t show up for yourself. People who will remind you that you matter when your brain is telling you that you don’t.
For Noah, finding his chosen family was critical to battling his depression while living in a state that actively legislates against his existence. These weren’t just friendships. They were lifelines.
What This Means for You
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking about your own life. Maybe you’re realizing that you never learned how to willingly socialize either. Maybe you’re recognizing that the connections you need aren’t just about fun – they’re about survival.
Here’s what I want you to know: it’s never too late to build chosen family. It’s never too late to learn these skills. And the fact that it feels hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
Start small. Start messy. Start scared if you have to. But start.
Look around your life and ask yourself: Who sees me? Who accepts me without needing to understand every piece of my story? Who would I want to call if everything fell apart?
And then ask the harder question: Who am I being that person for?
I share so much more in the full episode about what it means to live between two worlds – having friends with amazing families while building your own support system from scratch. There’s something powerful about hearing the whole story that I think will shift how you see the people around you.
The Daily Choice
Building chosen family isn’t a one-time event. It’s a series of daily choices to show up, to be vulnerable, to accept without understanding, to choose each other again and again.
Some days it will feel easy. Some days it will feel impossible. But on the days when it feels impossible, remember that for some people – maybe for you – these connections aren’t optional. They’re survival.
And there’s nothing more important than surviving. There’s nothing more important than creating space for other people to survive too.
Reflection Question: At what point in your life did you learn to create connections and make friends on your own? Was it as an adult, or did you develop these skills as a kid? How did you do it?
Listen to the full episode [Episode 37: You Don’t Need to Understand People to Accept Them] to hear Noah’s complete story and dive deeper into what it really means to build chosen family from scratch. And if this conversation resonated with you, subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts – because we’re just getting started on these real, necessary conversations about connection.
Hey! Quick note from me – this episode includes discussions about depression and suicide. Please take care of yourself while listening, and know that if you’re struggling, there are people who want to help you stay.
