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Think about the last time you heard a song about heartbreak.
Maybe it was about a relationship ending. A love that didn’t work out. The pain of watching someone walk away.
Now think about the last time you heard a song about losing a friend.
I’ll wait.
…
Still waiting.
We have entire GENRES dedicated to romantic heartbreak. Thousands of songs about breakups, betrayal, and unrequited love.
But where are the songs about being ghosted by a friend you trusted? About watching a friendship slowly fade? About the quiet heartbreak of realizing someone doesn’t prioritize you the way you prioritize them?
They barely exist.
And that silence? That’s a problem.
Because when we don’t have language (or art) for our experiences, we suffer alone. We think we’re the only ones feeling this way. We think something’s wrong with US.
Today I’m talking with Leila Six, a singer-songwriter who’s creating the friendship songs that don’t exist yet. But we desperately need.
Meet Leila: Writing the Friendship Soundtrack We’re Missing
Leila Six makes music as “a personal safe space to ask hard collective questions.”
And one of those hard questions is: Why don’t we talk about friendship the way we talk about romantic love?
She’s written multiple songs about friendship. But here’s what’s interesting: only one is a happy love song.
The rest? They’re about heartbreak.
“I’ve had a pretty complicated relationship with friendship,” Leila told me. “I’ve had very happy friendships that ended pretty badly. I’ve had toxic friends. I’ve been ghosted by friends. I’ve had to learn to trust friends again.”
“This whole process that people tend to write about regarding their love life? That’s happened to me in my friendship life.”
So she writes songs about it.
And when people hear them? They don’t always realize they’re about friends.
“The breakup songs aren’t super explicitly about friends. One doesn’t mention the word ‘friend’ at all. So I know a lot of people relate to it as if it were a romantic love song. Until the end when I mention ‘friend’ and they’re like, ‘Oh. Okay. It’s about a friend.’”
Because the feelings are the same. The language is the same.
We just don’t usually apply it to friendship.
The Gap in Art (And Why It Matters)
Here’s what Leila pointed out that really hit me:
When we DO see friendship conflict in media, it’s usually petty drama.
The stereotypical “catty girls” throwing drinks in each other’s faces. Reality TV blow-ups. Immature ways of handling disagreement.
But that’s not how most friendship conflict actually plays out.
“In real life, we don’t WANT more conflict,” Leila said. “We usually try to avoid it. So if there’s going to be immaturity, it’s going to be more towards avoiding conflict, avoiding conversations, not throwing tantrums, and creating chaos.”
The real conflict is quiet.
It’s:
- ▪️ The friendship that slowly fades without either person addressing what’s wrong
- ▪️ The text that goes unanswered for days, then weeks
- ▪️ The feeling that you’re always the one reaching out
- ▪️ Wanting to say something but being afraid you’re asking for too much
- ▪️ The silence after you finally voice a need
That quiet heartbreak? It stings in a way dramatic blow-ups might not.
Because at least with a fight, you know where you stand.
With silence, you’re left alone with your thoughts. And your brain can run WILD.
Am I too needy? Did I do something wrong? Do they even want to be my friend anymore?
And because we don’t have songs or stories or art about THIS kind of heartbreak?
We think we’re the only ones experiencing it.
What Happens When We Don’t Have Language for Our Experiences
I had an aha moment while talking with Leila.
She was describing how she has “certain emotional needs” that she feels like a lot of people don’t have.
But then she corrected herself:
“Now I understand that they DO have them. It’s just that they don’t listen to them, or they don’t manifest in the same way.”
Everyone needs:
- ▪️ Deep conversations
- ▪️ Feeling understood and heard
- ▪️ Knowing someone will pick up the phone if you need them
- ▪️ Feeling close to people
But a lot of people have learned to either go without or expect that ONLY from their partner or family.
And here’s where it gets interesting:
We have all these messages telling us to deny our friendship needs:
- ▪️ “Your friend doesn’t owe you anything.”
- ▪️ “They might be having a bad day.”
- ▪️ “Don’t be needy.”
- ▪️ “Real friends don’t require effort.”
So we learn to ignore the hunger cues.
There’s this concept called learned loneliness (I did a whole episode on it: Episode 69, linked in the show notes).
Basically, Loneliness is like a hunger cue. It’s your body saying, “You need connection.”
But over time, when we deny that feeling, the threshold keeps getting lower and lower.
We stop even FEELING lonely. We just accept disconnection as normal.
Leila described it perfectly: “A lot of people have learned to just not even think about it. To accept that it’s not the way it goes. And you don’t even feel it anymore. Don’t feel lonely anymore.”
This is what happens when we don’t have language (or art) for our experiences.
We learn to silence ourselves. To minimize our needs. To accept less than we deserve.
Leila’s perspective on why friendship needs its own soundtrack is truly moving. Hear the full conversation in the full episode.
The Songs We’re Missing (And Why We Need Them)
Okay, so what ARE we missing?
We need songs about:
- ▪️ Being ghosted by a friend who meant everything to you
- ▪️ The slow fade of a friendship that used to be close
- ▪️ Learning to trust again after friendship betrayal
- ▪️ The specific heartbreak of realizing you care more than they do
- ▪️ Finding the courage to voice your needs (even when it feels scary)
- ▪️ The joy of platonic love that fills your soul
- ▪️ Choosing friends who actually show up
- ▪️ The grief of outgrowing a friendship
We need the happy songs AND the heartbreak songs.
Because that’s the reality of friendship.
Leila has one happy song: “GLAAD” (which just got a new version released, by the way, linked in the show notes).
It’s a love letter to platonic love.
And people’s response? “Many people told me they find it very cute and moving. The music video, too.”
Which tells us: people WANT this. They’re responsive to art about friendship.
We’re just not creating enough of it.
Why the Quiet Heartbreak Needs a Voice
Let me paint you a picture of what quiet friendship heartbreak looks like:
It’s not dramatic. It’s not a blow-up fight.
It’s:
- ▪️ Realizing it’s been three months since you talked to your “best friend.”
- ▪️ Watching their Instagram stories but never getting a text back
- ▪️ Being the only one who initiates plans
- ▪️ Feeling like you’re always asking for too much
- ▪️ The slow realization that you’re not a priority anymore
- ▪️ The guilt of wondering if YOU’RE the problem
And because we don’t see this reflected in art or media?
We think it’s just us. We think we’re failing at friendship.
But here’s what Leila helped me understand:
The friction IS natural. The struggle IS normal.
What makes it feel unnatural is that we don’t know how to handle it.
“We’re not taught how to handle conflict in friendship,” Leila said. “So it takes on proportions that it shouldn’t. There could have just been a very awkward conversation, and maybe some hurt. In a much more natural way, like we do in healthy romantic relationships.”
“But because we don’t handle it in the right way from the start, it becomes unnatural.”
We need the songs. We need the stories. We need the ART.
Because art gives us language. And language gives us permission to feel.
Being a “Social Artist” (And Why That Matters)
Leila said something early in our conversation that stuck with me:
She wants friendships because she’s “not interested in a very narrow life.”
She doesn’t want to focus on just one area of relationships. She wants to experience MORE. Feel MORE. Live MORE.
And she applies the same creativity to her friendships as to her music.
My friend Alex Friedman (founder of Connection Feast, also been on the podcast) calls herself a “social artist.”
And I realized: Leila is a social artist too.
She’s not just writing ABOUT friendship. She’s actively creating the friendships she wants.
She’s:
- ▪️ Voicing her needs (even when it feels horrible)
- ▪️ Making time for friends across the world
- ▪️ Sending voice notes and texts to maintain closeness
- ▪️ Having the awkward conversations
- ▪️ Letting some friendships fade when they’re not reciprocal
- ▪️ Building new friendships with intention
That takes creativity. That takes courage.
That’s art.
And maybe that’s a helpful reframe for anyone struggling with friendship right now:
You’re not “needy.” You’re a social artist.
You’re not “failing.” You’re creating something that requires skill and practice.
As Leila put it: “I can reframe my being needy or feeling needy, and now I can think of it as being a whimsical artist.”
I love that.
What It Takes to Voice Your Needs (When Everything in You Says Don’t)
Okay, so here’s where this gets practical.
Leila has learned to voice her needs in friendships. And it’s changed everything.
But she’s honest about how it feels:
“It’s a practice for me to keep voicing my needs. And it feels horrible each time.”
“Because I’m programmed to think it’s a bad thing to look needy.”
But she does it anyway.
And you know what happened? Some friends fell away. And that’s okay.
“I did it so late that the relationship had already eroded a lot. So those who fell away. I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t even sad.”
She actually has a song about it (not recorded yet): “Isn’t it sad that I wasn’t sad?”
But the friends who stayed? The friendships got DEEPER.
Because now Leila has:
- ▪️ Friends who understand her needs
- ▪️ Friends who show up consistently
- ▪️ Friends who make effort to stay close despite distance
- ▪️ Confidence that she can handle any friction
And when she makes NEW friends now? She goes in with this understanding from the start.
“I have much more confidence in myself and in my ability to handle any frustration. If I want to spend more time with a new friend, I know I can ask for it.”
That’s the power of having language (and art) for your experiences.
You stop suffering in silence. You start creating the friendships you actually want.
There’s so much more about voicing your needs and being a social artist. Listen to the complete episode for the full discussion.
The Future We Can’t Even Imagine Yet
Near the end of our conversation, I asked Leila: What do you hope a friendship-centered world looks like?
And her answer was beautiful:
“I don’t know what it would look like. But I think that’s the point. That’s what’s exciting.”
“We would have much more room for original thinking.”
She talked about:
- ▪️ Knowing yourself better (because you’re not just confined to one relationship)
- ▪️ Political and ecological benefits (more original ideas, more flexibility)
- ▪️ Safety for women and children (broader communities mean more support, less isolation)
- ▪️ Freedom from traditional structures that don’t serve us
And then she said this:
“I’m sure there are a lot more aspects of placing friendships closer to the center. I’m sure a lot of these aspects are more fun than what I just talked about.”
We don’t know what it would look like. But anything’s better than this.
And we can’t possibly imagine all the ways it would touch our lives.
Your Turn: Creating the Soundtrack
So here’s what I want you to do:
Step 1: Acknowledge that your friendship experiences deserve expression
The heartbreak. The joy. The friction. The love.
All of it is valid. All of it deserves to be felt and expressed.
Step 2: Find (or create) language for what you’re experiencing
Maybe it’s Leila’s songs. Maybe it’s this podcast. Maybe it’s journaling or talking to a therapist.
But find SOME way to name what you’re feeling.
Step 3: Stop suffering in silence
If you’re experiencing quiet friendship heartbreak right now, the kind where nothing dramatic happened, but something feels off. You’re not alone.
This is SO common. And it’s not your fault.
Step 4: Give yourself permission to want more
You’re not needy. You’re not too much.
You’re a social artist. And you’re creating something beautiful.
Step 5: Voice your needs (even when it feels horrible)
Leila learned this from Shasta Nelson (whose work is INCREDIBLE, linked in the show notes).
Short, concise messages. Using “I” statements. Showing you’re yearning for MORE, not frustrated with what is.
Example: “I love what we have so much that I would love to have even more. I think we deserve more.”
That’s it. That’s the message.
Step 6: Let some friendships fade (if they need to)
Not everyone will meet you where you are. And that’s okay.
The ones who stay will be worth it.
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
Friendship deserves its own soundtrack.
Not just the happy songs. The heartbreak ones, too.
Because when we don’t have art (or language) for our experiences, we suffer in silence.
We think we’re the only ones feeling this way. We think something’s wrong with us. We learn to minimize our needs and accept disconnection as normal.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Artists like Leila are creating the songs we’re missing. Podcasts like this one are having the conversations we need. Books and resources are finally emerging.
And you? You can be a social artist too.
You can voice your needs. Build the friendships you want. Create the connections that fill your life.
Because friendship isn’t supposed to be easy.
But it IS supposed to be worth it.
Want to hear Leila’s music? Her song “GLAAD” (a love letter to platonic love) just got a new version. . Go add it to your playlist and share it with a friend who needs to hear it.
Struggling with learned loneliness? Go listen to Episode 27 (“What is Loneliness”) and Episode 69 (“Unpacking Learned Loneliness”).
Curious about the bigger picture? Read “All About Love” by bell hooks and “How We Show Up” by Mia Birdsong. Both explore love and community as political acts. Fair warning: once you start seeing relationships this way, you can’t go back. (But that’s a good thing.)
Ready to start creating your own friendship soundtrack? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
