“Low-maintenance friendships are connections where you don’t talk for months. But when you do reconnect, it’s as if no time has passed.”
I read that definition recently, and honestly? It made me want to scream.
Because here’s what nobody’s talking about when we throw around these casual phrases about “low-maintenance friendships”: they’re actually making friendship harder, not easier.
Let’s get real about what’s happening here. We’ve created this impossible standard where we’re supposed to have no needs, no expectations, and definitely no desire for attention or validation from our friends. But we also can’t be “neglectful.” We have to be “reliable” while also being okay with canceling plans. We should go months without talking, but somehow maintain a deep connection.
Does anyone else see the problem here?
The Impossible Zone We’re All Trying to Live In
I spent some time recently diving deep into all the messaging out there about low-maintenance friendships, and what I found was… a lot of contradictions. We’re told these friendships should have “a lack of neediness” and that “it’s okay to have your own life.” But we also need to “continue being reliable” and not become “neglectful friends.”
So now we’re all trying to exist in this tiny, impossible zone of being just enough but not too much. Not the neglectful friend, but definitely not the needy friend either. Just… perfectly low-maintenance.
But here’s the thing: how much energy are you actually spending trying to stay in that zone?
Real talk: How much time do you spend worrying about your friendships? Feeling anxious that you’re being too much or too little? Feeling guilty about whether you’re showing up in the right ways? And here’s the kicker: If you took all that time you spend worrying and having big feelings about friendship, and instead just took small actions… wouldn’t that actually solve the “no time for friendship” problem?
It’s wild, right? This approach that’s supposed to be “low-maintenance” is actually consuming a ridiculous amount of mental energy.
The Breadcrumb Trail That Changes Everything
Let me give you a different way to think about friendship maintenance. Imagine your friendships like a trail of breadcrumbs.
When you have a solid belief with a friend, like “we care about each other,” you want to leave a trail of breadcrumbs (evidence) that leads your friend right back to that belief. The keyword here? Breadcrumbs. Not full pieces of bread, not loaves, not entire bags of bread. Just small, consistent breadcrumbs.
But here’s what happens with our current approach to “low-maintenance” friendships: You go nine months without talking to someone. Now you feel like you should call them, but if you’re going to call, you need at least an hour or two to catch up properly, right? That’s you trying to leave a whole loaf of bread.
But you don’t have two hours this week. Or next week. So now it’s been eleven months, and you feel like you need even MORE time to properly reconnect. The problem just perpetuates itself while you spend months feeling guilty and anxious.
What if, instead, we just focused on dropping breadcrumbs?
The Reframe That Will Change Your Friendships
Here’s what I want to offer you: Instead of low-maintenance friendships being these connections where you go for super long periods without contact, what if we thought of them as simple, consistent connections that honor the season of life you’re in?
Let me say that again because it’s important: Simple and consistent connections that honor the season of life you’re in and the obligations you have.
Because here’s the truth: maintaining anything, including friendship, requires some energy. The question is: Do you want to spend that energy worrying and feeling guilty, or do you want to spend it on small, manageable actions that actually strengthen your connections?
In the full episode, I dive so much deeper into the specific problems with our current approach and walk through tons of practical examples of what this looks like in real life. Because once you start thinking about friendship this way, it opens up so many possibilities for staying connected without the drama.
What Simple and Consistent Actually Looks Like
Okay, so what does this approach look like in practice? Let me give you some examples that might surprise you with how… simple they are.
Schedule your friendships. I know, I know. It sounds unromantic. But what if every Saturday at 8 am, you and your friend had a standing text/call/voice memo time? Even if you canceled half the time, you’d still have two dozen connection points throughout the year instead of relying on those once-or-twice-yearly marathon catch-up calls.
Remove pleasantries from your messages. Stop starting every text with “Hey, how have you been? What’s new?” and just send the thing that made you think of them. That recipe, that meme, that photo that sparked a memory. When you remove the pressure to catch up every single time, you’re way more likely to actually send the message.
Be social on social media. For the first 15 minutes you’re scrolling, commit to actually engaging with your friends’ posts. Comment, send DMs, respond to their stories. Suddenly, social media becomes a tool for connection instead of just mindless scrolling.
Fold into each other’s lives. Instead of always needing dedicated one-on-one focus time, invite friends to run errands with you. Hang out in your backyard. Go to the park with your kids. Do the mundane stuff together, just like you did with your closest friends in high school and college.
The beautiful thing about these approaches? They’re actually easier than what we’re currently doing. No more months of guilt. No more anxiety about whether you’re being too much. No more waiting until you have two free hours to reconnect.
The Question That Changes Everything
Here’s the question I want you to start asking yourself: What is enough?
What’s enough to show up for a friend? What’s enough to maintain connection? What’s the simplest, easiest action you can take right now?
Because I think we’ve convinced ourselves that anything less than a grand gesture isn’t worth doing. But what if we flipped that? What if the goal was to make showing up so simple and easy that you could do it consistently?
The complete episode explores this idea of “what is enough” in so much more detail, including how to navigate this with friends who might still be stuck in the old approach. Because this shift isn’t just about changing your own behavior. It’s about creating new patterns with the people you care about.
Why This Actually Works Better
When you start approaching friendship this way, something interesting happens. Your friendships become more adaptable. When life changes (new jobs, moves, babies, whatever) you don’t have to completely rebuild your connection patterns. You just adjust those small, consistent actions.
Plus, and this is huge, your friendships start to feel like a source of support instead of stress. Instead of grinding it out alone because you don’t want to be “high-maintenance,” you can actually let your friends help you. They can crowdsource answers when you’re researching a big life change. They can offer perspective when you’re stuck. They can simply exist with you when life feels overwhelming.
That’s what community is supposed to do: make life easier, not harder.
Permission to Want More
I want to give you permission to want attention from your friends. To want validation. To want support. To want to matter to people and to have people matter to you.
The current definition of low-maintenance friendship asks us to make ourselves so small, so insignificant, that we barely register in each other’s lives. And then we wonder why we feel lonely and disconnected.
What if, instead, we created friendships where showing up for each other felt natural and sustainable? Where you didn’t have to choose between being “too much” or being invisible?
The truth is, we all want friends who care about the book we’re reading, who remember what we’re worried about, who celebrate our wins and support us through hard times. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. There’s nothing high-maintenance about wanting to feel seen and valued.
Your Next Step
If this resonates with you, here’s what I want you to do: Pick one or two friendships and start experimenting with this approach. Maybe schedule a weekly check-in with one friend. Maybe start sending those “this made me think of you” messages to another without the pleasantries.
See how it feels to drop breadcrumbs instead of waiting until you can deliver a whole loaf of bread.
And if you want to dive deeper into this, I walk through so many more examples and tackle the tricky situations, like what to do when your friends are still operating from the old model, in the full episode. Because this isn’t just about changing your individual actions. It’s about reimagining what friendship can look like when we stop making it so complicated.
Your friendships should be a source of joy and support, not anxiety and guilt. You deserve connections that feel good, that honor your real life, and that don’t require you to be perfect or have unlimited capacity.
Simple and consistent beats sporadic and stressful every single time.
What’s one small, consistent action you could start taking this week to strengthen a friendship? I’d love to hear about it.
Ready to completely transform how you think about friendship maintenance? Listen to Episode 64 of Friendship IRL for the full breakdown, including tons more practical examples and how to navigate this shift with friends who might not be ready for change yet. And don’t forget to subscribe. These conversations are just getting started.
