I had a dream the other night about someone I’ve never actually met.
Like, never been in the same room with them. Never had a real conversation with them.
And yet I know more about their daily life than some of my closest friends.
In this dream, I was at their house. I could picture every detail: the layout, the furniture, where the kitchen connects to the living room.
Her husband was there. Her kids were there. We were having a party. (There was a bouncy house that was four times the size of the house because dreams are weird, but that’s beside the point.)
When I woke up, I had this reality check moment:
I can picture this woman’s house in perfect detail. I can picture her family. I know her morning routine, her coffee order, what her living room looks like.
And I’ve never met her.
She’s a fitness influencer. She has no idea I exist.
And that’s when I realized: we need to talk about parasocial relationships.
What Are Parasocial Relationships (And Why You Definitely Have Them)
Parasocial relationships are those one-sided connections we have with people who feel like friends. Except they have no idea we exist.
If you’re thinking “not me, I don’t have any of those,” let me ask you this:
Have you ever felt worried about a celebrity’s breakup announcement on Instagram?
Have you ever gotten excited for the next vlog from that travel YouTuber you follow?
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation saying, “Yeah, my friend told me about…” except it wasn’t actually your friend? It was someone you follow on TikTok?
Those are all parasocial relationships.
The term was coined back in the 1950s by sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl to describe how people connected with TV personalities.
But social media has taken this to a completely different level.
We’re not just watching celebrities on TV anymore. We’re:
- ▪️ Walking through influencers’ homes as they show us their morning routine
- ▪️ Following van life YouTubers and seeing where they shower, sleep, and store their clothes
- ▪️ Watching streamers eat dinner and chat about their day
- ▪️ Getting ready in someone’s bathroom while their partner walks behind them in the background
- ▪️ Feeling like part of a podcast host’s inner circle
(Yes, I see the irony. I’m a podcast host talking about parasocial relationships. We’ll get to that.)
The Numbers That Should Wake Us Up
Here’s what recent research shows:
51% of Americans have parasocial relationships.
But here’s the kicker: Only 16% actually acknowledge that they’re in parasocial relationships.
That means most of us are in these relationships without even realizing it.
We’re investing time, energy, and emotional bandwidth into people who don’t know we exist.
And we’re not even conscious that we’re doing it.
How We Got Here (And Why It Matters)
Parasocial relationships aren’t new. Before technology, readers felt connected to authors like Jane Austen.
But they got maybe one or two books a year.
Now? We’re getting multiple daily updates from dozens of people we feel connected to.
Let’s look at the evolution:
Old school (1950s-1990s):
- ▪️ You caught your favorite TV host for 30 minutes a night
- ▪️ You read about celebrities in monthly magazines
- ▪️ You saw movie stars during press tours
- ▪️ Everything was carefully curated, polished, and public-facing
Then social media showed up. And everything changed.
Suddenly we had:
- ▪️ Behind-the-scenes access
- ▪️ Real-time updates (multiple times a day!)
- ▪️ The ability to comment and DM (creating the illusion of conversation)
- ▪️ Livestreams from bedrooms, kitchens, cars
- ▪️ “Get Ready With Me” content where we’re literally in their bathroom
We went from seeing someone’s carefully curated public appearance to walking through their house.
And the platforms? They’re designed to make you feel this way.
They WANT you to feel connected. They WANT you to feel like you’re part of someone’s inner circle.
Because that keeps you scrolling.
The Mental Real Estate You’re Giving Away
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough:
These relationships are taking up mental space.
Think about it. You might know:
- ▪️ This person’s coffee order
- ▪️ Their morning routine
- ▪️ Their kids’ names
- ▪️ Their relationship drama
- ▪️ Their home layout
- ▪️ Their favorite restaurants
- ▪️ Their daily schedule
Those are roots. Deep connection roots.
(If you don’t know what I mean by roots, go listen to Episode 12 where I break down my framework. But basically: these are the details that create intimacy in relationships.)
And here’s what really gets me:
Sometimes I know more details about people I’ve never met than I do about my oldest friends.
I might not know if my college best friend still loves the same candy she did years ago. We don’t spend enough daily time together for me to know that.
But I can tell you exactly what that influencer I follow orders at Starbucks.
That’s wild.
We’re not just carrying these people’s information. We’re carrying an archive.
If you’ve been following someone long enough, you know:
- ▪️ Their old apartments
- ▪️ Their previous jobs
- ▪️ Their past relationships
- ▪️ Their family dynamics
- ▪️ Their health struggles
- ▪️ Their financial journey
That’s mental real estate we’re giving away to people who don’t even know our names.
The Math That Should Terrify You
Okay, let’s do some math. And I want you to be really honest with yourself here.
How much time do you spend with your favorite parasocial connections each day?
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ 30 minutes watching someone’s Instagram stories
- ▪️ An hour scrolling through feeds
- ▪️ Two hours with a YouTube video playing while you eat dinner
- ▪️ Three and a half hours on a Twitch stream after work
Let’s say you do a combination: 30 minutes on stories + 1 hour scrolling + 2 hours on YouTube.
That’s 3.5 hours daily.
Which equals 24.5 hours weekly.
Which equals 1,277 hours yearly.
Now ask yourself: How many hours do you actually spend in real conversations with your closest friends?
Phone calls. Text exchanges. In-person hangouts.
Be honest.
And it’s not just about time. It’s about emotional energy.
When Kobe Bryant died, I cried. I was genuinely distraught.
I never met him. Never been in the same room with him.
But I cared. And his death affected me emotionally.
That’s emotional bandwidth going to someone who didn’t know I existed.
Now multiply that across all your parasocial relationships. All the people you follow. All the creators you’re invested in.
How much emotional energy are you spending on people who can’t show up for you?
The data on parasocial relationships is eye-opening. Hear all the stats and stories in the full episode.
The Irony We’re All Missing
Here’s what kills me:
We complain that our real friends aren’t showing up for us.
We say things like:
- ▪️ “I wish my friends were more present.”
- ▪️ “Nobody checks in on me.”
- ▪️ “I feel so alone.”
- ▪️ “My friendships feel shallow.”
And then we spend hours every day with people who literally cannot show up for us. Because they don’t know who we are.
Do you see the disconnect?
We’re giving hours of our day to one-sided relationships. And then wondering why our real friendships feel empty.
Why These Relationships Are So Appealing (Let’s Be Honest)
Before we go further, let’s talk about WHY these connections are so enticing.
Because they’re easy.
Think about calling a real friend:
- ▪️ Are they busy?
- ▪️ Am I bothering them?
- ▪️ What if they don’t feel like talking?
- ▪️ It’s been so long, will it be weird?
Now compare that to connecting via social media:
Pick up phone. Unlock. Click app (probably without even thinking). Start scrolling.
Instant connection.
No questions. No scheduling. No emotional labor. No guilt if you get distracted.
And you still get to hear about their day. See their life. Feel connected.
Plus:
- ▪️ No risk of rejection (they can’t not pick up your call)
- ▪️ No awkward catch-up (you already know what’s happening in their life)
- ▪️ No explaining why you’ve been absent (they don’t know you exist)
- ▪️ No follow-up required (you don’t need to remember to check in next week)
- ▪️ No obligation (when they tell you their kid is sick, you don’t have to show up with a meal)
It’s connection without the work.
And in a world that feels overwhelming? I get it. I really do.
But here’s what we’re not thinking about:
We’re investing hours into relationships that can’t show up for us when we’re in crisis.
We’re banking emotional currency we can never cash in.
What This Is Doing to Your Real Friendships
Let’s talk about something more subtle: how parasocial relationships are changing what you expect from real friends.
We’re constantly consuming:
- ▪️ Perfectly edited “authentic” moments
- ▪️ Beautifully curated “messy” spaces
- ▪️ Carefully filmed “spontaneous” interactions
- ▪️ Strategically shared vulnerable conversations
And even though we KNOW it’s curated, it seeps into our expectations.
Expectation Shift #1: Homes
Do you ever compare your friends’ houses to the houses you see online?
That lived-in space from your favorite YouTuber?
But was it really lived-in? Or did they choose to leave the dishes in the sink for authenticity?
I’ve had people message me saying, “Your mirror is dirty and I love that,” or “It’s so you that there’s clothes on that chair behind you.”
Those were conscious choices. I saw those things in the frame. I decided to leave them.
And then we show up at our friends’ houses, and we’re comparing. Or worse. We don’t invite people over because our house doesn’t measure up to what we see online.
(I did a whole episode on this: Episode 91 about hosting without dread. Go listen.)
Expectation Shift #2: Availability
We’re used to round-the-clock access to our parasocial connections.
So, when real friends take hours or days to respond to a text?
It hits different. We wonder: Why aren’t they responding? What’s happening?
We’ve gotten used to immediate access. Immediate response. Immediate connection.
Expectation Shift #3: Sharing
We expect our friends to be as open and vulnerable as our favorite creators.
But we forget:
Those creators are:
- ▪️ Choosing what they share
- ▪️ Editing out parts that don’t feel right
- ▪️ Sometimes getting PAID to share
- ▪️ Building a brand through their willingness to be vulnerable
Your real friend doesn’t owe you that level of disclosure.
Curious how parasocial relationships are reshaping your real-life friendships? Listen to the complete episode for the full breakdown.
The Questions We Need to Ask Ourselves
I don’t have all the answers here. But I have questions. Important ones.
And I think we all need to start asking ourselves these questions:
Question 1: Why do I feel that pull to open the app?
Everyone’s quick to label it dopamine addiction. But is that all it is?
Or is it about comfort and safety and ease?
Because here’s what I’ve noticed: We can go weeks without checking in on a real friend. But we feel a constant pull to check our parasocial connections.
Why?
Maybe because:
- ▪️ There’s no risk of rejection
- ▪️ There’s no awkward catch-up
- ▪️ There’s no explaining why we’ve been absent
- ▪️ There’s no guilt about time passed
These connections require zero relationship skills.
No conflict resolution. No difficult conversations. No mental load of following up. No showing up when things are hard.
Just consumption.
Question 2: How are these relationships shaping my worldview?
You know that saying about being the sum of the five people you spend the most time with?
Who are your five people?
Are they actual friends you see regularly? Or are they:
- ▪️ Podcasters you listen to daily
- ▪️ Influencers whose lives you follow
- ▪️ Streamers you watch for hours
Because you’re absorbing their:
- ▪️ Political views
- ▪️ Life philosophies
- ▪️ Personal values
- ▪️ Decision-making processes
Through carefully curated snippets or highly edited content.
Question 3: What am I missing in my real friendships?
I hear people say:
- ▪️ “I want friends who really get me.”
- ▪️ “Reciprocity is so important to me.”
- ▪️ “I wish my friends would show up for me.”
And yet we’re investing dozens of hours into relationships with ZERO reciprocity.
The person doesn’t know we exist. They literally cannot show up for us.
Do you see the disconnect?
Question 4: Am I using these relationships as a bridge or a replacement?
Here’s where it gets important:
Sometimes, parasocial relationships serve a vital purpose.
Maybe you’re:
- ▪️ LGBTQ in a place where you can’t safely be out
- ▪️ Dealing with an illness nobody around you understands
- ▪️ The only person in your circle making a major life change
- ▪️ Someone with limited mobility who can’t easily meet people in person
In these cases, parasocial connections might be literal lifelines.
And if that’s you? Don’t feel bad. Find the connection you need.
But here’s the question: Are you using these connections as a bridge to find real community? Or are you camping on the bridge?
When Parasocial Relationships Can Be Powerful
Let me be clear: I’m not saying parasocial relationships are all bad.
There are actually some really positive aspects:
Stigma Reduction: Someone with anxiety sees a creator talking openly about their mental health journey. Suddenly, they don’t feel so alone.
Behavioral Modeling: You can’t find someone in your immediate circle making the changes you want to make. These relationships show you it’s possible.
Community Formation: You’re LGBTQ in a small conservative town. You have a rare medical condition. You have a unique interest nobody around you shares. Finding the right parasocial connection can lead you to YOUR PEOPLE.
And honestly? I hope that’s part of what you get from this podcast.
I hope you see friendship, community, and connection as possible. That you’re not alone in struggling with this.
That’s the positive side of parasocial relationships.
But research also shows something fascinating: People rate their parasocial relationships as more effective at fulfilling certain emotional needs than their relationships with casual connections.
Let that sink in.
People feel MORE fulfilled by someone who doesn’t know they exist than by people they actually know.
That should tell us something about what we’re missing in our real-world connections.
What I Want You to Do
I’m not going to tell you to delete all your apps or cut off all your parasocial relationships.
That’s not realistic. And honestly, it’s not the point.
The point is AWARENESS.
So here’s what I want you to do:
Step 1: Get curious (not judgmental)
Notice when you’re reaching for these connections. Pay attention to what they’re giving you.
Ask yourself:
- ▪️ What am I seeking right now?
- ▪️ What need is this filling?
- ▪️ What might I be avoiding in my real relationships?
- ▪️ How much time am I actually spending here?
- ▪️ How much mental/emotional energy am I giving away?
Step 2: Do the math
Track your time for one week. Actually track it.
How much time are you spending on:
- ▪️ Social media scrolling
- ▪️ YouTube videos
- ▪️ Twitch streams
- ▪️ Podcast listening
- ▪️ Following people’s lives
Then compare that to time spent in actual conversations with real friends.
Phone calls. Texts. In-person hangouts.
What’s the ratio?
Step 3: Audit your mental space
Make a list of all the parasocial relationships you have. All the people you follow closely.
Then ask:
- ▪️ Whose coffee order do I know?
- ▪️ Whose kids’ names do I know?
- ▪️ Whose daily schedule do I know?
- ▪️ Whose home layout can I picture?
Now ask: Do I know these things about my closest real friends?
Step 4: Get intentional
Decide what role you WANT parasocial relationships to play in your life.
Maybe that’s:
- ▪️ Using them as a bridge to find real community
- ▪️ Limiting time to 30 minutes a day
- ▪️ Following fewer people but engaging more deeply
- ▪️ Balancing every hour of parasocial connection with real connection
- ▪️ Using them for specific purposes (learning, inspiration, representation)
There’s no right answer. Just YOUR answer.
Step 5: Invest in the relationships that can show up for you
Take some of that time and energy you’re giving to parasocial relationships and redirect it.
Call a friend. Text someone you’ve been thinking about. Make plans. Show up.
Build your web of real connections.
Because here’s the truth: Parasocial relationships can’t give you what a real connection can.
They can’t:
- ▪️ Show up when you’re in crisis
- ▪️ Celebrate your wins in person
- ▪️ Hold space for your hard stuff
- ▪️ Know you deeply and specifically
- ▪️ Build memories WITH you (only memories OF them)
They’re one-way streets. And you can’t build a life on one-way streets.
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
Parasocial relationships aren’t going anywhere. So we need to get intentional about them.
They can be:
- ▪️ Valuable tools
- ▪️ Bridges to real community
- ▪️ Sources of learning and growth
- ▪️ Ways to feel less alone
But they can’t replace the work of real connection.
Real connection isn’t supposed to be easy. But it’s supposed to be worth it.
And while parasocial relationships might feel comfortable, safe, and predictable?
They can’t give you what you actually need: the chance to be truly known, truly seen, and truly supported.
So maybe the question isn’t: Should I have these relationships?
Maybe it’s: How can I make sure they’re enhancing my life rather than replacing the connections I really need?
Feeling called out by this episode? Good. That means you’re paying attention. Now do something about it. Track your time this week. See how much you’re investing in one-way relationships. Then redirect some of that energy to people who can actually show up for you.
Want to dive deeper into building real connections? Go back and listen to Episode 12 (my Roots of Connection framework), Episode 100 (the Wheel of Connection), and Episode 104 (getting less passive on social media and actually connecting with creators/listeners).
Ready to reclaim your mental real estate for real connections? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
