I’m about to say some things about friendship that might make you uncomfortable.
Some of these hot takes will challenge what you’ve been told your whole life about how friendship “should” work.
Some will make you defensive. Some will make you think “well, that’s easy for HER to say.” Some might make you a little mad.
And honestly? That’s kind of the point.
Because here’s what I’ve learned after years of doing this work, having hundreds of conversations, and building community in my own life:
Most of what we believe about friendship is setting us up for failure.
We’re walking around with these idealized expectations and “acceptable answers” about what friendship looks like. And then we’re confused and lonely when reality doesn’t match up.
So today, I’m calling it out. All of it.
This episode was inspired by my friend Danielle Bayard Jackson (host of the Friend Forward podcast; go listen after this). She did an episode sharing her friendship hot takes, and I thought: Yes. Let’s do this.
So here are my 10 friendship hot takes. Buckle up.
HOT TAKE #1: “I Just Need a Few Close Friends” Is BS
You’ve heard it. Maybe you’ve said it yourself:
“Oh, I don’t need a lot of friends. I just need a few really close ones. Quality over quantity, you know?”
Here’s my hot take: I think that’s BS.
Not because you don’t need close friends. You absolutely do. But because I think when people say this, they’re not being fully honest.
Here’s what I’ve experienced over and over: Someone tells me they just need their small circle. Then we start actually talking. And suddenly they’re admitting:
“Well, I do get really lonely working from home…”
“Being a new parent is just so isolating…”
“I wish I had people to turn to for [specific thing]…”
We give the easy, acceptable answer. And then we wonder why we’re lonely.
Here’s the truth: You might have enough close friends. But you probably need a broader circle.
Those “simple” friendships you’re discounting? The acquaintances? The casual connections? They matter more than you think.
The person you chat with at the coffee shop. The neighbor you wave to. The parent you see at school pickup. The coworker you grab lunch with sometimes.
These connections aren’t lesser-than. They’re different. And you need them too.
Studies actually show that people with more weak ties (casual connections) report being happier. Because these interactions remind us that the world is safe. That we’re part of something bigger. That we’re not alone.
So no, you don’t just need a few close friends. You need a broader circle, too.
HOT TAKE #2: Friendship Is a Lifeline, Not a Luxury (So Stop Treating It Like One)
I hear this all the time:
“I just don’t have time for friendship right now.”
“I’ll get together with my friends when I have more capacity.”
“When things calm down, I’ll make it a priority.”
Translation: You’re treating friendship like a luxury. Something you’ll get to when everything else is handled.
Here’s my hot take: Friendship isn’t a luxury. It’s a lifeline.
And if you keep treating it as optional, you’re going to wake up one day isolated, burnt out, and wondering why.
Look, I get it. You’re busy. You’re overwhelmed. You don’t have two uninterrupted hours to sit across from a friend at dinner.
But here’s what I need you to understand:
Prioritizing friendship doesn’t mean waiting for perfect conditions. It means finding whatever time you CAN, however imperfect.
A 10-minute phone call while you’re driving.
Working side-by-side on separate projects for two hours.
Running errands together.
One person is meal-prepping while the other cleans their house.
It’s not about perfect. It’s about making it happen anyway.
Think about it like exercise. For years, people thought if they couldn’t do a full hour-long workout, it wasn’t worth it. Now we know: 10 minutes of movement counts. It matters. It adds up.
Same with friendship.
Stop waiting for the perfect two-hour window. Start integrating friends into your actual life.
Because when you treat friendship like a lifeline instead of a luxury? You find the time. Even when it’s imperfect. Even when it’s not what you imagined.
You find the time because you have to. Because it’s that important.
HOT TAKE #3: “Best Friend” Is a Meaningless Label (And We Need to Stop Using It)
Okay, this one’s going to ruffle some feathers.
I don’t like the term “best friend.” I think it’s a pretty meaningless label.
In my own life, I intentionally try not to use it. Instead, I say:
- ▪️ My close friends
- ▪️ My present friends
- ▪️ The friends I’m living life with right now
- ▪️ My everyday friends
- ▪️ Friends I once lived life with
Why? Because “best friend” has been built up into this all-or-nothing definition that’s completely unattainable as adults.
When you were a kid, having a “best friend” made sense. Your worlds were small. You went to the same school, knew the same people, had similar responsibilities (get good grades, show up for family, have fun).
Your lives overlapped almost completely.
But as adults? Your close friends might be incredibly supportive, but they probably don’t understand your job. Or your family dynamics. Or your specific life situation.
They can’t. Because your lives don’t overlap the way they did when you were 12.
And that’s okay.
But when we cling to this “best friend” ideal, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We think: If they were really my best friend, they’d understand everything. They’d be there for everything. They’d know everything about me.
That’s not realistic. And it’s not fair to either of you.
So here’s what I ask people when they talk about wanting or having a “best friend”:
Best friend for what?
Maybe you have a friend who’s your go-to for work stuff. And a different friend who’s your go-to for parenting stuff. And another friend who’s your adventure buddy.
That’s not a failure. That’s real life.
You can be held by the group instead of expecting one person to be everything.
So let’s retire “best friend” and get more specific about what we actually need from different people in our lives.
In the full episode, I go much deeper into why the “best friend” myth is actually making us lonelier and what to say instead. If you’ve ever felt like your friendships don’t measure up to some impossible standard, this might be the reframe you need. Listen to the full episode here.
HOT TAKE #4: You Should Have Friends of the Opposite Gender (Yes, Really)
Oh boy. Here we go.
My hot take: We should have friends of the opposite gender.
I know, I know. The pushback is immediate: “But what about romantic feelings? What about my partner being uncomfortable? What about…”
Stop. Let me ask you something:
Don’t you have family members of the opposite gender? A brother? A father? Cousins?
You have purely platonic relationships with them, right? You understand what those boundaries look like?
The same thing applies to friendships.
Here’s why this matters to me:
First, we need more platonic connections with people who aren’t exactly like us. Different genders, different ages, different backgrounds, different life experiences.
The more variety we have in who we surround ourselves with, the more windows we get into different ways of living.
When we only surround ourselves with people just like us, we limit our own growth. We limit our understanding of the world.
Second (and this is the bigger reason): my goal isn’t just to help you as an individual build better friendships.
My bigger goal is that we feel more connected as people in this world. Less divided. More trusting. More understanding.
And I can’t do that by telling you to only make friends with people of your same gender. Because then we just end up with separate camps. Boys over here, girls over there, everybody siloed off.
That doesn’t bring us together. That keeps us apart.
So yes, figure out how to have platonic friendships with people of different genders. Learn how to maintain appropriate boundaries. Get comfortable with it.
Because that’s part of building actual community. Not just your own personal friend group.
HOT TAKE #5: Stop Trying to Anticipate Every Change (You’re Holding Yourself Back
I recently got a message from someone who’s childfree by choice. They’re at the age where friends are starting to have kids.
Their question: “How do I stay inspired to befriend people who I know will have kids? Because I know their lives will change and it’ll be different.”
Here’s my hot take: The more you try to anticipate changes in friendships, the more you’re holding yourself back.
If you walk through the world that way (constantly calculating what MIGHT change and using that to decide who to invest in), how much are you cutting yourself off from?
I can think of so many examples:
Someone who said, “I don’t want to make any new friends until after I have kids.” Okay, but when is that? One year? Five years? What if you struggle to conceive? Are you just going to be isolated for all of that?
Or, take me: I have a friend who experienced a serious loss about a year ago. We had a great friendship. We traveled together, did lots of things together.
After her loss, she needed to lean on family and a couple of very close friends (not me). And our friendship came to a halt.
I never could have anticipated that. You can’t control this stuff.
Surprises happen. Life happens. People change. Circumstances change.
If you’re holding back from friendships because you’re trying to anticipate all the ways they might change, you’re denying yourself so many meaningful connections.
Some will be life-changing. Some will be simple but fulfilling. Some will last decades. Some will be for a season.
But you’ll never know if you don’t let them happen in the first place.
HOT TAKE #6: You’re Not Over-Sharing. You’re Under-Sharing
So many people are convinced they’re oversharers.
My hot take: Most of us are actually under-sharing in our friendships.
Think about it. How many times have you:
- ▪️ Had news you wanted to share but didn’t send the text
- ▪️ Been asked “how are you?” and said “fine” when you weren’t
- ▪️ Waited for your friend to ask follow-up questions instead of just telling them what’s going on
- ▪️ Held back information because you assumed they didn’t care or didn’t have the capacity
We’ve all convinced ourselves that anything we share is TMI.
But here’s the thing: You want to know your friends, right? You wish they’d share more with you?
Why have we all convinced ourselves our friends don’t want to know US?
There’s so much we’re holding back. So many moments where we could connect, but we don’t because we’ve decided it’s too much, or they don’t care, or they’re too busy.
Meanwhile, we’re all walking around wishing we felt more connected.
The solution? Share more. Not less.
Tell your friends the thing. Send the text. Make the call. When they ask how you are, actually answer.
Stop waiting for them to dig it out of you. Just share.
I promise: The things you think are “too much” are probably exactly what your friends want to hear. Because that’s what makes them feel like they actually know you.
HOT TAKE #7: It’s Cool Not to Be Invited (Actually, I Love It)
Okay, this one’s going to push some buttons.
My hot take: It’s totally cool not to be invited to things. In fact, sometimes I love not being invited.
I know what you’re thinking: “What? That’s the opposite of what we’re supposed to want!”
But hear me out.
When I’m not invited to something, it means the person who organized it was being intentional about the connections they wanted to pour into. And this time, it’s not me.
And that’s okay. Because it doesn’t always have to be me.
Let me give you an example:
I have a larger friend group with lots of smaller dynamics within it. There’s a trio of friends (three women who are very close). I’m good friends with all three of them individually, and sometimes I overlap with them.
Recently, they got together for one of their birthday lunch traditions. Just the three of them.
I wasn’t invited. And I was genuinely happy for them.
Because I want them to invest in their dynamic. I want them to have that special tradition. I want them to pour into their friendship.
That doesn’t have to include me for it to be valuable.
When I invest in MY dynamics (whether that’s with one of them individually, or with different friends entirely), I want them to celebrate that too.
Not every gathering is for me. And that’s not only okay, but it’s also necessary.
If we’re all trying to invite everyone to everything, we dilute the intentionality. We make everything generic instead of special.
So yes, it’s cool not to be invited. Celebrate your friends’ other connections instead of being hurt by them.
In the full episode, I share even more on how I personally think about being left out and why shifting this mindset has made me a better friend. If you’ve ever felt a sting when you weren’t included in something, this perspective could genuinely change things for you. Listen to the full episode here.
HOT TAKE #8: You’re Not Spending Enough Time With Your Friends (Just Say It)
Here’s a stat for you:
According to the American Time Use Survey (2021), Americans spend an average of 2 hours and 45 minutes per week with their friends.
My hot take: That’s not enough.
I know, I know. You don’t have time. You’re busy. You have responsibilities.
But remember hot take #2? Friendship is a lifeline, not a luxury.
So if we’re only spending 2 hours and 45 minutes per week investing in our lifeline, that’s a problem.
We need to integrate friends into our lives more. We need to stop waiting for perfect conditions. We need to just fit it in sometimes.
And yes, I can hear the objection: “But isn’t that disrespectful to friendship? To just ‘fit it in’?”
No. I think it’s actually MORE respectful.
Because if I can manage to get a couple more hours of connection with my friend this year (even if it comes in little spurts, even if it’s imperfect), isn’t that meaningful?
Isn’t that better than waiting for the perfect moment that never comes?
So yes, you’re probably not spending enough time with your friends. And yes, you need to figure out how to change that.
Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if it’s imperfect. Even if it means just “fitting it in” sometimes.
Because 2 hours and 45 minutes per week isn’t enough to sustain the connections you claim you want.
HOT TAKE #9: Real Friendship Requires Discomfort (Stop Expecting It to Be Easy)
Everyone wants friendship to be comfortable, easy, and effortless.
My hot take: Real friendship requires discomfort. And the sooner you get comfortable being uncomfortable, the better your friendships will be.
Think about it. We equate “good friendship” with “easy friendship.”
But any real relationship requires work. Requires navigating challenges. Requires having hard conversations.
Comfort isn’t the goal. Growth is.
Here’s where discomfort shows up in friendship:
In individual relationships:
- ▪️ Having the conversation you’ve been dreading
- ▪️ Telling your friend they hurt your feelings
- ▪️ Suggesting a new way to spend time together
- ▪️ Asking to travel together for the first time
- ▪️ Being vulnerable about something you’re struggling with
In making new friends:
- ▪️ Going to that hiking group alone instead of your friend’s comfortable movie night
- ▪️ Introducing yourself to someone new
- ▪️ Following up after meeting someone once
- ▪️ Being the one who suggests getting together
All of this is uncomfortable. And all of it is necessary.
If you keep waiting for friendship to feel comfortable and easy, you’ll keep getting the same results.
But if you can embrace discomfort? That’s where the magic happens.
That’s where you make the connections you actually want. That’s where friendships deepen. That’s where you grow.
So stop expecting comfort. Start embracing discomfort.
HOT TAKE #10: Making Friends Is a Lifelong Adventure (You Never Stop)
Last one. And this might be the most important:
Making friends is a lifelong adventure. You never stop needing new connections.
There’s so much messaging out there that treats friendship like dating: Do the work once, find your people, and you’re done forever.
That’s a lie.
With every new version of yourself (new interests, new passions, new places, new life stages), you’re going to need to add friends.
Maybe not close friends. Maybe just simple connections or new community. But also maybe new close friends.
Because if you don’t allow for new simple connections, how will you ever meet your closest friends two decades from now?
Life changes. You change. Your needs change.
The sooner we accept that making friends is a never-ending journey, the better off we’ll be.
Because then we stop treating it like a failure when we need to make new friends at 45. Or 60. Or 80.
We stop thinking: “I should already have this figured out.”
And we start thinking: “Who do I need in my life right now? And where can I find them?”
That’s not a failure. That’s being human.
Making friends is a lifelong adventure. Embrace it.
So… Which One Made You Most Uncomfortable?
There they are. My 10 friendship hot takes.
Some of them probably resonated. Some probably made you defensive. Some may have made you think “okay, but…”
Good. That’s the point.
Comfortable beliefs about friendship keep us lonely. They’re keeping us isolated. They’re keeping us from building the connections we actually need.
So let’s get uncomfortable. Let’s challenge the narratives. Let’s do the work.
Here’s what I want you to do:
Pick one hot take that made you squirm a little. Just one.
Maybe it’s the one about needing a broader circle. Maybe it’s the discomfort one. Maybe it’s the “you’re not spending enough time with friends” one.
Pick the one that made you most uncomfortable. And try it.
Not perfectly. Not all at once. Just… try it.
See what happens when you embrace the discomfort instead of fighting it.
I’m willing to bet your friendships get better. Not easier. But better.
And honestly? That’s what we’re all actually looking for anyway.
In the full episode, I unpack all 10 hot takes with even more stories, context, and examples than I could fit here. If any of these made you squirm, laugh, or think “okay but…” you’ll want to hear the full conversation. Listen to the full episode here.
Which hot take resonated most (or made you most mad)? Let’s chat about it in the comments. Let’s get people talking about what friendship actually requires, not what we wish it required. Sometimes discomfort is exactly what we need.
