Here’s a fear I bet you’ve had:
You need to set a boundary with a friend. Something they’re doing isn’t working for you. Or you need to ask for something specific. Or you need to say no to something they keep asking.
And you’re terrified that if you say it out loud, they’ll leave.
Because friendship is a choice, right? They’re choosing to be your friend. And if you make it too hard, if you ask for too much, if you’re too needy or too demanding or too complicated…
They could just choose someone else.
So instead of setting the boundary, you:
- ▪️ Say yes when you mean no
- ▪️ Pretend you’re fine when you’re not
- ▪️ Hope they’ll just figure out what you need without you having to say it
- ▪️ Silently test them to see if they’ll show up the “right” way
- ▪️ Get increasingly resentful when they don’t pass tests they don’t know they’re taking
And then you wonder why your friendships feel exhausting. Or shallow. Or like you’re constantly disappointed.
I used to do this too. I’d avoid setting boundaries because I was convinced they’d push my friends away.
Then I learned something that changed everything:
Boundaries don’t have to be walls. They can be bridges.
The Question That Changes Everything
I was recently talking with Zya Be (host of the Your Hell Yes Life podcast and today’s guest) about boundaries in friendships.
And she said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“Are you putting up a wall or are you putting up a bridge?”
Think about that for a second.
A wall says: This doesn’t work for me. End of conversation. Figure it out yourself or don’t. Either way, I’m protecting myself.
A bridge says: This doesn’t work for me. Here’s what would work. Here’s how we can stay connected. Here’s an invitation to meet me where I am.
One pushes people away. The other invites them closer.
And here’s what I’ve learned: When you set boundaries as bridges instead of walls, they don’t end friendships.
They deepen them.
Why We Avoid Setting Boundaries in Friendship
Before we go any further, I need to acknowledge something:
Friendship is unique because it’s purely by choice.
Your family? You’re born into that. Your romantic partner? There’s commitment, often legal ties, shared finances, maybe kids.
But your friends? They’re choosing you. Every single day.
And that’s beautiful. It really is.
But it also makes us hesitant to fully trust. Because if they’re choosing us, they could also choose… not us.
So we hold back. We test. We wait for them to prove they’ll stay.
Zya put it perfectly: “We have this expectation of ‘a good friend should always be there.’ So even if you’re tired, even if you’re drained, even if you’re busy, they need me. I should go.”
We prioritize their needs over our own because we’re terrified that if we don’t, they’ll leave.
And here’s what’s wild: We think we’re protecting the friendship by not setting boundaries.
But actually, we’re slowly killing it.
Because when you’re constantly overriding your own needs, when you’re saying yes when you mean no, when you’re pretending everything’s fine when it’s not…
You’re not actually showing up as yourself. You’re performing.
And a friendship built on performance isn’t sustainable. Eventually, you’ll burn out. Or blow up. Or quietly fade away.
So boundaries aren’t what ends friendships. The lack of them is.
What Bridges Actually Look Like (Real Examples)
Okay, so you’re convinced. Boundaries can be bridges. Great.
But what does that actually look like in practice?
Let me give you some examples from my own life and from my conversation with Zya.
Example 1: The Concert Compromise
I’m not a live music person. Concerts aren’t my thing: too loud, too crowded, just not how I want to spend my time.
But I have a lot of friends who LOVE concerts.
Wall approach: “No, I don’t do concerts.” (End of conversation. Now they stop inviting me to anything.)
Bridge approach: “Hey, I’d love to come to dinner beforehand, but I’m going to head home before the concert. Live music just isn’t really my thing, but I definitely want to see everyone!”
See the difference?
I’m being clear about my boundary (concerts aren’t for me). But I’m also offering a bridge (I’ll come to dinner). I’m saying: I want to stay connected with you, here’s how we can do that.
Result: My friends know not to expect me at concerts, but they still invite me to pre-concert dinners. Everyone’s happy.
Example 2: The Texting Boundary That Evolved
For years, I had a boundary around texting. I have ADHD, and keeping track of messages on multiple platforms is overwhelming.
So my boundary was: I’ll respond to everything once a day. Maybe once every couple days.
That was a bridge. I was saying: here’s what I can do. Please be patient with me.
And it worked. For a while.
But then I realized: I was missing out on the random day-to-day interactions with my friends. The silly thoughts. The “this made me think of you” moments.
I wanted more of that. But my boundary was preventing it.
So I changed my boundary. I started responding more frequently. I stopped putting my phone on Do Not Disturb as much.
Because boundaries aren’t set in stone. They can evolve as your needs change.
Example 3: The New Parent Shared Note
Here’s one I suggested to a friend who’d just had a baby.
She was exhausted. Everyone kept saying, “Let me know if I can help!” but she didn’t have the energy to coordinate help. And when people DID help, it often wasn’t actually helpful.
So she kept having to set boundaries: No, don’t do that. That’s not helpful. I don’t need that.
All walls. All “no.” All exhausting.
Here’s the bridge I suggested:
Create a shared note on your phone (Apple Notes works great for this). Add all the ways people can actually help you:
- ▪️ “I need a meal on Friday.”
- ▪️ “Can someone take my car for an oil change?”
- ▪️ “I need dog walking on Thursday morning.”
- ▪️ “Can someone pick up coffee creamer?”
- ▪️ “I’ve had a lonely day; could someone stop by this week?”
Share that note with your close people. Every time you add something, they get a notification.
Now, instead of people guessing how to help (and you having to say no), you’re directing them to the yes.
That’s a bridge. That’s: here’s exactly how you can show up for me. Here’s the invitation.
Example 4: The Grief Boundary
Zya shared this one, and it’s SO important.
Her mom was in the hospital. At first, she needed a LOT of connection. She texted her friends: “I’m really struggling. I need connection. Please call and text me, knowing I won’t necessarily call back, but receiving it is meaningful.”
Clear boundary. Clear invitation.
Then after she got home, everything flipped. She was overwhelmed. She texted again: “I love you. I appreciate everything. I need quiet now.”
Totally opposite boundary. Also clear.
Some people might think that’s high-maintenance. But you know what? People appreciate the clarity.
Because otherwise, they’re guessing. And they’re probably guessing wrong.
Grief is a perfect example of when boundaries need to be crystal clear, because everyone grieves differently.
Some people need constant contact. Some need total isolation. Some need practical help. Some need emotional support.
Your friends can’t read your mind. You have to tell them.
And when you do? When you say “here’s what I need right now”? That’s a bridge.
How to Actually Build Bridges (The Framework)
Okay, so you get the concept. Boundaries can be bridges. Great.
But HOW do you actually do this?
Here’s the framework Zya and I use:
Step 1: Get Clear on Your “Deep Inner Yes”
Before you can set boundaries with others, you need to know what they are.
And I’m not talking about what you should want or what a “good friend” would do.
I’m talking about your actual, honest-to-god truth.
Zya calls this your “deep inner yes”: that gut-level knowing of what feels right and what doesn’t.
Some questions to ask yourself:
- ▪️ How do I actually like spending time with people?
- ▪️ What activities drain me vs energize me?
- ▪️ What communication style works for me?
- ▪️ What makes me feel connected vs overwhelmed?
- ▪️ When do I need space vs when do I need company?
Get quiet with yourself. Tune in. What’s actually true for you?
Not what should be true. Not what you wish was true. What IS true.
Step 2: Communicate Early and Clearly
Here’s something Zya said that I love:
“I think when I hear ‘no’ for the first time in a friendship, I actually really appreciate it. It sounds maybe crazy, but when somebody is willing to say no… not just ‘no I’m busy that night’ but a real no… then I know we’re in an authentic connection.”
Setting boundaries early is actually a sign of intimacy.
It’s saying: I trust you enough to be real with me. I’m letting you in by showing you who I actually am, not just who I think you want me to be.
So don’t wait until you’re at your breaking point. Don’t wait until you’ve been silently resentful for months.
Set small boundaries early. See how they respond.
Example: “Hey, I’m not really a morning person. If you could avoid texting me before 10am, I’d really appreciate it!”
That’s a small boundary. Easy to set. Easy to follow. And it teaches your friend something about you.
Step 3: Pair Boundaries With Invitations
This is the bridge part. This is what makes all the difference.
Don’t just say what doesn’t work. Offer what WOULD work.
Instead of: “I can’t do that.”
Try: “I can’t do that, but what about this instead?”
Instead of: “That doesn’t work for me.”
Try: “That doesn’t work for me. Here’s what would work…”
You’re not just closing a door. You’re opening a different one.
Example: “I can’t do a phone call right now, but I’d love to text back and forth if you’re up for it.”
Example: “I’m not up for going out tonight, but if you want to come over and just hang on my couch, I’d love that.”
Example: “I can’t help with that specific thing, but I could help with this other thing if that’s useful.”
See? You’re still saying yes to connection. Just in a different way.
Step 4: Be Explicit (Don’t Make Them Guess)
Zya has a great line about this from her consulting days: “Leaders want to do the right thing. It’s my job to make it easy for them.”
Same with friends.
Your friends want to show up for you. They want to do the right thing.
But you have to make it easy for them. You have to tell them what that looks like.
Don’t hint. Don’t drop subtle clues. Don’t expect them to read your mind.
Just say it.
“I really need you to be on time when we make plans. It stresses me out when people are late.”
“I love you, but I need our conversations to be more balanced. I want to hear about your life too, not just support you through hard times.”
“I’m not comfortable with last-minute cancellations. If you could let me know the day before if you need to cancel, that would really help.”
Clear. Direct. Specific.
Not mean. Not demanding. Just… clear.
Zya and I go much deeper into this framework in the complete episode, including how to handle the fear that comes up right before you set a boundary. If setting boundaries in friendship has always felt scary to you, this conversation will help.
When Boundaries Have Been Crossed Repeatedly (The Bigger Conversations)
Okay, so those are the proactive boundaries. The small ones. The early ones.
But what about when you’ve let something slide for a while and now it’s a pattern?
What about when you’ve been okay with something for months (or years) and suddenly you realize: I can’t do this anymore?
This is harder. But it’s still possible to build bridges.
Here’s Zya’s approach:
“I come at it with love. With the intention of: how can I take care of myself while also maintaining the connection?”
Because if you didn’t care about the person, you wouldn’t bother setting the boundary. You’d just be done.
The fact that you’re having the conversation means you want to stay connected. You just need it to look different.
The One-Sided Friendship Conversation
Zya shared this example, and I think it’s so important:
She had a friendship where she was always the one reaching out. Always initiating. The friend would only respond, never initiate.
Here’s what she said:
“I love you. I love our connection. I want this to continue. However, I want my relationships to be two-way. That means somebody initiates contact, they initiate plans. That’s not what I’m experiencing right now.
If that’s something you’re interested in, I’m going to leave it to you to reach out. I won’t reach out until I hear from you. If you don’t reach out, I’ll take that as a sign this relationship has run its course.”
That’s a bridge.
She’s not just ending it. She’s saying: here’s what I need. Here’s the door. You decide if you want to walk through it.
The Political Differences Pause
Zya also shared about her oldest friend: a complete opposite at the opposite ends of the political spectrum.
For years, they had a boundary: no political conversations.
But then things got more extreme. The boundary wasn’t enough anymore.
They needed a pause.
“We had to take a break. And that pause really allowed me to step back and think: What is friendship? What do I value? What do I value with HER? Do I want to be in connection with somebody whose values are so opposite to what I stand for?”
The pause wasn’t a wall. It was space to figure out if there was still a bridge.
And here’s what’s important: Friendship pauses are okay.
We talk about taking breaks in romantic relationships all the time. We talk about needing space from family.
But we don’t talk about friendship pauses nearly enough.
Sometimes you need to step back. Get some distance. Figure out what you actually want from the relationship.
That’s not ending it. That’s giving it space to evolve.
My Own Friendship Pause Story
I want to share one of my own, because I think it illustrates this perfectly.
I had a friend who was dealing with a really frustrating family situation. And every time we got together, it was the same vent session. The same story. Over and over for months.
I loved her. I wanted to support her. But I was exhausted.
And I realized: I’ve become the person she just retells the same story to. And it’s not helping her. And it’s draining me.
So I called for a pause.
“Hey, I love you. We’ve been friends for a really long time. But I think we need to take a break. I think I’ve become the person you just retell the same story to. And maybe you need to talk to your therapist about this. Or your family. Or someone else.
I know you trust me, and that’s why you keep coming back. But this isn’t getting you anywhere either. I love you, and I want you to get out of this pattern.
I’m going to reach back out in a few months.”
That was a bridge.
I wasn’t ending the friendship. I was saying: I care about you too much to keep enabling this pattern. Let’s take space and come back when we can connect in a different way.
And we did. The friendship survived. It actually got stronger.
Because I was honest about what I needed instead of just quietly fading away or blowing up.
When to Build a Wall Instead
I need to say this clearly:
Not every boundary is a bridge. Sometimes walls are necessary.
Sometimes a friendship is genuinely unhealthy. Sometimes someone repeatedly disrespects your boundaries. Sometimes the relationship is causing more harm than good.
In those cases, a wall is appropriate. And you don’t need to feel guilty about it.
But I think a lot of us jump to walls when bridges would actually work. We end friendships because we’re scared to have the hard conversation.
So before you build a wall, ask yourself:
- ▪️ Have I actually communicated what I need?
- ▪️ Have I given them a chance to show up differently?
- ▪️ Is this friendship worth fighting for?
- ▪️ What would a bridge look like here?
If you’ve tried all of that and it’s still not working? Then yes, build the wall.
But give the bridge a chance first.
What I Want You to Take Away From This
If you take nothing else from this conversation, take this:
Boundaries in friendship don’t have to push people away. They can actually pull people closer.
When you say “this doesn’t work for me, but here’s what would,” you’re not being difficult.
You’re showing your friend how to love you better.
You’re saying: I want to stay connected with you. Here’s how we can do that in a way that works for both of us.
That’s not a test. That’s not a wall. That’s a bridge.
And yeah, some people won’t walk across that bridge. Some people will choose not to meet you where you are.
That’s information. That’s them telling you who they are.
But a lot of people WILL walk across. A lot of people are just waiting for you to show them how.
They want to show up for you. They just don’t know what that looks like.
So tell them.
Build bridges.
See what happens.
Where to Start (Just One Small Thing)
I know this can feel overwhelming. So here’s what I want you to do:
Pick one small boundary you’ve been avoiding setting with a friend.
Just one. Something low-stakes.
Maybe it’s:
- ▪️ “I prefer texting over phone calls.”
- ▪️ “I’m not really into [activity], but I’d love to do [different activity] instead.”
- ▪️ “I need a little more notice for plans.”
- ▪️ “I’d love to hear about your life too, not just support you through hard times.”
Set it this week. See what happens.
And when you set it, remember: pair it with an invitation.
Don’t just say what doesn’t work. Offer what would.
Build a bridge, not a wall.
Zya said something at the end of our conversation that I want to leave you with:
“Be kind to yourself. This is not a chance to sit back and say ‘oh gosh, I’ve been doing it wrong.’ Start small. You’re building a muscle. You’re doing this with the intention of having deeper, richer, more authentic connections for the rest of your life. What an exciting thing to dive into.”
What an exciting thing to dive into.
So go ahead. Set the boundary. Build the bridge.
Your friendships will be stronger for it. I promise.
Want to hear the full conversation about boundaries and bridges in friendship? Listen to my episode with Zya B on Friendship IRL wherever you get your podcasts. We go even deeper into the practical how-to, share more personal stories, and talk about when walls ARE necessary.
