“You can’t go back to high school. It’s not gonna happen. We just keep aging and everything. But breaking it down – what about high school? Was it the freedom? Can we hang out and create a sense of freedom? I kind of like that because it makes it feel like less pressure. Like, oh, we just grew apart. Maybe we can find a way to grow closer again with where we are now, and we don’t have to be the same people that we were then.”
That’s Kristian, my guest from Episode 22, and honestly? Her words hit me right in the chest when I heard them.
Here’s the truth we don’t talk about enough: most of us are terrified of friendship changes. We want clean beginnings and definitive endings, but friendship doesn’t work that way. Instead, we’re all just riding this wave of life transitions, watching some people drift closer and others drift away… and feeling guilty about all of it.
Let’s get real for a minute. How many times have you felt like a “bad friend” because you didn’t maintain a friendship the way it used to be? How often do you find yourself missing the simplicity of when your friends lived ten minutes away, when getting together didn’t require three weeks of calendar coordination?
I get it. I really do. But here’s what I’ve learned (and what Kristian helped me articulate even better): we control our friendships way less than we think we do.
The Problem: We’re Fighting Against Natural Friendship Evolution
Most of us approach changes in friendship as if they’re personal failures. Someone moves away, gets into a serious relationship, starts a demanding job, has kids… and suddenly the friendship feels different. Our first instinct? Panic. Guilt. The assumption that someone isn’t trying hard enough.
But what if I told you that friendship “pivots” aren’t failures at all? What if they’re just… life?
In my conversation with Kristian, she shared something that really stuck with me: “Being an adult, there’s so much helpless language that is out there. ‘Oh, my God, I can’t wait till this happens.’ ‘Can’t wait till that happens.’… But I feel like I’ve found myself being less and less helpless. More like, tapping into, girl, what do you want? Like, let’s figure it out.”
That shift from helpless to intentional? That’s everything.
The Framework: Understanding Friendship MVPs
Here’s a concept that might change how you think about friendship maintenance: MVP – Minimum Viable Product, but for relationships.
Just like in business, sometimes we need to ask ourselves: What’s the minimum viable version of this friendship that still feels meaningful?
Maybe you and your college roommate can’t have three-hour phone calls anymore, but you can send voice messages. Maybe you can’t see each other every week, but you can make that annual trip sacred. Maybe the friendship looks completely different now, but it still adds value to both your lives.
The key is letting go of what the friendship once was and focusing on what it could become.
In the full episode, Kristian and I dive deep into what this actually looks like in practice – including some pretty vulnerable moments about friendships we’ve both had to reimagine. If you’re struggling with a specific friendship transition right now, I think hearing the whole conversation might give you some clarity.
Why Friendship Pivots Hit Different for Women
One thing Kristian and I explored was why romantic relationships seem to affect female friendships more dramatically than male friendships. And honestly? I think it comes down to how we’re socialized.
Women are often taught that our relationships should be everything to everyone. We’re supposed to be the emotional laborers, the ones who maintain connections, the ones who remember birthdays and check in and make sure everyone feels included. So when life gets complicated and we can’t maintain that same level of intensity… we feel like we’re failing.
But here’s what I want you to consider: maybe the problem isn’t that we’re not doing enough. Maybe the problem is that we’re expecting too much.
What if some friendships are meant to be the “deep stuff” friends – the ones you call when life falls apart? And what if others are the “let’s just hang out and do things” friends – the ones who make you laugh and help you remember who you are outside of your responsibilities?
Both types of friendship are valuable. Both deserve space in your life. And both are allowed to change as you change.
The Practical Steps: How to Navigate Friendship Pivots with Grace
1. Get Clear on What You Actually Want
Before you panic about a changing friendship, ask yourself: What do I actually want from this relationship right now?
Not what you used to want. Not what you think you should want. What do you actually want?
Maybe you miss the frequency but not necessarily the depth. Maybe you miss the activities but realize you’ve outgrown some of the conversations. Maybe you miss the convenience but acknowledge that the effort required now doesn’t match the payoff.
That’s all okay. Being honest about what you want (and don’t want) is the first step to creating something sustainable.
2. Distinguish Between Drifting Apart and Growing Apart
There’s a difference between friendships that drift due to logistics and friendships that drift due to fundamental changes in who you are.
Drifting apart usually happens because of life circumstances – moves, job changes, new relationships, different schedules. The foundation is still there; you just need to find new ways to connect.
Growing apart happens when your values, interests, or life directions become incompatible. You might still care about each other, but you’re no longer adding value to each other’s lives in meaningful ways.
Both are normal. Both are allowed. But recognizing which one you’re dealing with will help you decide how much energy to invest.
The complete episode explores how Kristian and I have navigated both types of changes – including some friendships that we’ve had to let go of and others that we’ve successfully reimagined. There’s something powerful about hearing the whole story that I think will shift how you see the people around you.
3. Experiment with Lower-Pressure Connection
Remember Kristian’s insight about high school? Sometimes what we miss isn’t the specific people or activities – it’s the feeling of ease and freedom.
So what if you approached some of your changing friendships with that same energy? Instead of trying to recreate exactly what you had, what if you focused on creating what you need now?
Maybe that looks like:
- ▪️ Shorter, more frequent check-ins instead of marathon catch-up sessions
- ▪️ Activity-based hangouts instead of deep emotional processing
- ▪️ Group settings instead of one-on-one intensity
- ▪️ Digital connection that fits your actual schedules
The goal isn’t to downgrade your friendships – it’s to find sustainable ways to maintain connection that work for who you are now.
4. Practice the Art of Loving Release
Here’s something I really want you to hear: it’s okay to love someone and also acknowledge that your friendship has run its course.
This doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t erase the value of what you shared. It doesn’t mean you can’t be happy for each other from a distance.
Some friendships are meant to be lifetime companions. Others are meant to be beautiful chapters that help you become who you’re supposed to be.
Learning to tell the difference – and to honor both types – is one of the most mature things you can do as a friend.
The Truth About Adult Friendship Maintenance
Let me be really direct with you for a minute: talking about and prioritizing friendships is counter-cultural.
We live in a society that tells us romantic partnerships should be our primary focus, that family comes first, that career advancement is the measure of success. Friendship gets pushed to the margins, treated like a luxury rather than a necessity.
But connection is survival. And that includes the connections that change, evolve, and sometimes end.
When you’re going through a friendship pivot, remember that you’re not just figuring out one relationship – you’re developing skills that will serve you in every relationship for the rest of your life.
You’re learning how to communicate your needs. How to set boundaries. How to love people without controlling them. How to grieve what was while staying open to what could be.
I share so much more in the full episode about what it means to live in this tension – wanting deep connection while accepting that life will inevitably change the shape of our relationships. There’s something about hearing the whole conversation that I think will help you feel less alone in this process.
Your Next Steps
So here’s what I actually want you to do:
Think of one friendship that’s been on your mind lately. Maybe it’s someone you’ve been meaning to reach out to. Maybe it’s someone you’re worried you’re growing apart from. Maybe it’s someone you’re not sure how to connect with anymore.
Instead of approaching this friendship with guilt or pressure, approach it with curiosity:
- ▪️ What do I miss about this relationship?
- ▪️ What would feel sustainable for both of us right now?
- ▪️ What would it look like to love this person exactly where they are?
- ▪️ What would it feel like to release the pressure and just… see what happens?
You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to fix everything. You just have to be willing to show up as who you are now, for who they are now.
Here’s my reflection question for you: Can you think of a time when it was particularly painful to see a friendship drift apart? What was it about this friendship “break-up” that hurt? Was it the friendship itself? The nostalgia associated with it? A sign that this period of life was over?
Really sit with that for a minute. Because understanding what the loss represents – beyond just missing the person – can help you figure out what you actually need to heal and move forward.
Ready to dive deeper into this conversation? Episode 22 with Kristian is available wherever you listen to podcasts. We go even further into the nuances of friendship transitions, including some pretty vulnerable shares about relationships we’ve both had to navigate differently.
Subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you listen to podcasts – because honestly? We’re all just figuring this friendship thing out together, and I think that’s exactly how it should be.
