“I was finding that when I just said yes to everybody, I was feeling really resentful. And that was a big clue to me that something’s not working.” – Amber Haggerty
When Amber said this during our recent conversation about expat friendships, I felt it in my bones. Because here’s what nobody talks about when your friend moves abroad: everyone celebrates the adventure, but no one mentions the invisible complexity both sides are suddenly navigating.
We see the Instagram posts from Dublin. We hear about weekend trips to Amsterdam. We think, “Living the dream!”
What don’t we see? The friend who’s fielding requests from 25 visitors in one year while trying to build a new life from scratch.
When Your Life Becomes Everyone’s Vacation
Let me paint you a picture. Your friend moves to Ireland (or Italy, or anywhere that sounds dreamy to people back home). Suddenly, everyone wants to visit. And why wouldn’t they? Europe feels accessible, your friend knows the area, and hey – free tour guide!
But here’s what’s actually happening on the other side: your expat friend is trying to figure out how to grocery shop, make new friends, and navigate a completely different culture. Then they get a text: “Hey! We’re planning a trip to Europe. Can you meet us in Switzerland?”
In our conversation, Amber shared how friends would suggest meeting somewhere that looked “close” on a map, not realizing it might require multiple travel days and expensive logistics. It’s like assuming someone in Seattle can easily pop over to Denver because they’re both in the western US.
The requests start piling up. Weekend visits. Two-week stays. “We’re thinking of doing a European tour – can you join us?” Each one requires research, planning, time off work, and emotional energy. Each one is someone you love asking for something that sounds reasonable but adds up to… a lot.
The Guilt That Nobody Talks About
Here’s the part that really gets me: the guilt expats feel about needing boundaries.
Amber told me about having to be “brutal” with her boundaries – telling people they could visit, but she wouldn’t leave Ireland to join their trips, or that she’d be working during weekdays and could only hang out on weekends.
And she felt guilty about it. Because the narrative is: you moved somewhere amazing, of course, people want to visit, you should be grateful!
But gratitude and boundaries aren’t opposites. You can be deeply grateful that people want to see you, AND need to protect your time and energy to actually build the life that made you move in the first place.
The full episode goes much deeper into this balance – how Amber learned to set boundaries while still maintaining these important relationships, and the practical strategies she uses to make visits work for everyone involved.
What We Don’t Understand From Home
As someone who’s been a friend back home, I get it. When our friends moved to Italy almost a decade ago, we made some of these mistakes, too.
Our first trip? We suggested meeting them in Switzerland because it looked close on the map. What we didn’t realize: they’d have to navigate multiple countries, cross the Alps, and deal with different transportation systems and currencies. What looked like a two-hour drive was actually a multi-day logistical nightmare.
We were thinking like tourists planning a once-in-a-lifetime trip. They were thinking like people who had to get back to work on Monday.
The invisible difference: Every trip request feels urgent and special to us because it’s our big European adventure. To our expat friends, it’s the sixth request this year, and they’re still trying to figure out where to buy good coffee in their new neighborhood.
The Real Challenge: Building Community While Managing Visitors
But here’s what really struck me about Amber’s story – she wasn’t just managing visitors. She was simultaneously trying to build an entirely new social circle from scratch.
“I said out loud to friends from home, I want to meet people here that I am inspired by, people here who I can feel energized by, who are doing things that are really different than what I’ve done.”
Think about how much energy that takes. She’s on Bumble BFF, going to meetups, having coffee dates with strangers, slowly building the kind of community most of us take for granted. She’s learning to be the person who organizes things, who sends invites, who follows up.
All while fielding requests from home about weekend trips to Paris.
In our conversation, Amber shares the specific strategies she used to build her friend group – including some incredibly practical tips about inviting people to things and never canceling the first three hangouts. The whole process she describes is both inspiring and exhausting.
The Beauty Hidden in the Complexity
Here’s what I’ve learned from watching our friends build their life in Italy, and from talking to Amber about her experience in Ireland: there’s incredible beauty in these long-distance friendships, but only when both sides understand what’s actually happening.
When we approach our expat friends with curiosity instead of assumptions, magic happens. Instead of “Can you meet us in Switzerland?” it becomes “We’d love to see you – what would actually work for your schedule and logistics?”
When we visit them in their new city and get to meet their new friends, we see the whole beautiful life they’ve built. I still think about the dinner we had with our friends’ Italian community – hearing their stories, seeing how our friends had woven themselves into this new place.
When expats set boundaries without guilt, they can actually enjoy the visits rather than dread them.
Being Better Friends Across Continents
So how do we do this better? How do we love our expat friends without accidentally making their lives harder?
If you’re the friend back home:
Approach with curiosity. Ask what actually works for them, rather than assuming. Offer to handle your own logistics instead of expecting them to research your entire itinerary. Be a good guest – think about co-working spaces, entertaining yourself during work days, and contributing to groceries.
If you’re the expat:
Set boundaries early and often. It’s not ungrateful to say, “I can see you on weekends, but I’ll be working during the week.” Remember that you can love seeing people, AND you need to protect your energy to build your new life.
For everyone:
Remember that these friendships require completely new skills. We don’t have cultural scripts for maintaining close relationships across continents. We’re all figuring it out as we go.
The episode includes so many more practical strategies – from how to approach travel planning with curiosity to specific ways to integrate visitors with your new community. Amber’s honesty about both the challenges and the beauty of expat friendship really opened my eyes to dynamics I’d never considered.
The Long Game
Here’s what I’ve realized after almost a decade of friendship with people who live across the world: the goal isn’t to maintain the exact same relationship you had when you lived in the same city. The goal is to evolve into something that works for who you all are now.
Our friends in Italy aren’t the same people they were when they lived here. We’re not the same people either. But when we get together now – whether in Italy or when they visit Seattle – there’s this beautiful blend of old stories and new experiences. They tell us about their Italian adventures, we tell them what’s happening in our Seattle life, and we create new memories that belong to this version of our friendship.
It took time to get here. It required letting go of the expectation that things would stay the same and learning to appreciate what they’ve become instead.
If this conversation resonated with you – whether you’re an expat feeling overwhelmed by visitor requests or a friend back home who wants to be more thoughtful about these relationships – I really encourage you to listen to the full episode. Amber’s specific strategies and honest reflections create a roadmap for navigating these complex but beautiful long-distance friendships.
What You Need to Hear
If you’re reading this as someone who’s moved abroad and felt guilty about needing boundaries with visitors, your need for space and time to build your new life is valid. You’re not ungrateful. You’re not selfish. You’re human, trying to balance love for people back home with the very real work of creating community where you are.
If you’re reading this as someone with expat friends, your desire to see them and share in their adventure is beautiful. And the most loving thing you can do is approach these visits as a collaboration, not an expectation.
The complexity is real. The guilt is real. The logistical challenges are real.
But so is the beauty of friendship that spans continents, the joy of seeing people you love thriving in new places, and the magic that happens when we figure out how to love each other well across any distance.
Reflection Question: Sometimes it’s difficult to juggle long-distance friendships, whether you are the one who moved or not. How have you successfully invested in a long-distance friendship? Where could you make an intentional improvement?
Ready for more honest conversations about the reality of adult friendship? Subscribe to Friendship IRL wherever you listen to podcasts. Because friendship across continents is complicated, beautiful, and worth figuring out together.
