I was at dinner the other night with a friend, and I told her about my 2025 goal: being better at texting people back.
I was feeling pretty good about my progress. Like, I’m TRYING, you know?
Her response: “Uh, yeah. You and [another friend] are the worst at this.”
Ouch. Fair. But ouch.
Here’s the thing: It’s not exactly breaking news that I struggle with texting.
I know it. My friends regularly call me out on it. I literally made it a GOAL for 2025.
But recently, something shifted in how I think about this.
I realized: I’m not actually “bad at digital connection” as some blanket statement.
I’m just naturally drawn to certain TYPES of digital connection while completely dropping the ball on others.
And the ones I’m good at? They’re actually easier BECAUSE I put time and energy into the simpler ones where I’m falling short.
If you’re like, “Alex, what are you talking about?” Stay with me.
Because I’ve been overthinking digital connection for weeks now (clearly), and I came up with this framework I want to share with you:
The 4 Levels of Digital Connection.
Everything from quickly double-tapping a friend’s post to deep conversations. From group chats to emergency phone calls.
And I think understanding these levels might help you figure out why you keep feeling guilty or frustrated about staying in touch.
The 4 Levels: An Overview
Before we dive deep into each one, here’s the quick version:
Level 1: Surface-Level Signals
- ▪️ Watching Instagram stories
- ▪️ Double-tapping posts
- ▪️ Quick emoji reactions
- ▪️ LinkedIn likes
Level 2: Active Updates
- ▪️ Group chat participation
- ▪️ Leaving comments
- ▪️ DMing specific thoughts
- ▪️ Sharing memes/TikToks
- ▪️ Quick check-in texts
Level 3: Intentional Connection
- ▪️ Voice memos
- ▪️ One-on-one detailed text conversations
- ▪️ Scheduled calls (phone or FaceTime)
- ▪️ Virtual coffee dates
- ▪️ Shared digital activities
Level 4: Deeper-Dive Connections
- ▪️ Spontaneous phone calls (not scheduled)
- ▪️ Reading between the lines in messages
- ▪️ Picking up on digital distress signals
- ▪️ Being available for crisis moments
- ▪️ Understanding communication preferences in tough times
Now let’s break down each level: what they are, why they matter, and why they might be tripping you up.
Level 1: Surface-Level Signals
What This Looks Like:
- ▪️ Watching someone’s Instagram stories
- ▪️ Double-tapping a post (giving it a like)
- ▪️ Quick emoji reaction to a message
- ▪️ Viewing LinkedIn updates and giving them a like
- ▪️ Following a Twitter/Threads thread
- ▪️ Watching someone’s BeReal
- ▪️ Liking someone’s Instagram story (that little heart option)
The Purpose:
These are ways to maintain awareness of your friends’ lives WITHOUT direct interaction.
You’re creating an ongoing sense of presence. Light touchpoints.
The Value:
Some people REALLY pay attention to this level. They notice who’s watching their stories, who’s liking their posts.
For them, this IS connection.
The Challenges:
Challenge #1: These can feel superficial or one-sided
Maybe you’re watching every story, reading every update. But your friend has NO IDEA because they’re not checking who’s viewing.
You think you’re staying connected. They think you’ve disappeared.
Challenge #2: Mismatch in what “counts.”
Fun fact: I don’t look at who watches my Instagram stories. Not on my business account, not on my personal account.
So if a friend is watching those, thinking they’re connecting with me? I have no clue.
They might be putting in energy. I’m not seeing it.
Challenge #3: It can slip by unnoticed
I like people’s Instagram stories ALL THE TIME. Probably liked three this morning.
But if someone’s not checking those notifications? It totally slips by.
Or maybe they see it and think: “Okay, she liked it. But why didn’t she MESSAGE me? Why didn’t she tell me what she actually thought?”
See the problem?
Level 2: Active Updates
What This Looks Like:
- ▪️ Group chat participation
- ▪️ Leaving actual COMMENTS (not just likes)
- ▪️ Responding to stories/posts with a DM with your specific thoughts
- ▪️ Sharing memes or TikToks back and forth
- ▪️ Quick check-in texts (“Hey, thinking of you! Hope you’re having a good week”)
- ▪️ Birthday messages
- ▪️ Responding to life updates with a longer message
Example: Yesterday, some friends were traveling somewhere we’ve been. I sent them a message: “Oh my gosh, I love that you guys are going there! You’re gonna love it so much. If you want any recommendations, let me know.”
But I’m leaving it on them. I’m not asking for a response back. I’m just sending a quick ping.
The Purpose:
Regular, lightweight engagement. Showing active interest in your friends’ lives.
The Value:
You can maintain regular connection WITHOUT a heavy time investment.
And it lets you off the hook for some vulnerability. If you’re concerned your friends are really busy or might not respond, you can send that “Hope you’re having a great week!” and you’ve already decided inside that if they just like it or say “Yeah, pretty good,” that’s fine.
The Challenges:
Challenge #1: It can be OVERWHELMING
How many channels are you managing right now?
Multiple social media platforms. Text threads. Maybe you’re on Google Chat for work. WhatsApp for some friends. Slack for communities.
I just counted mine: I’m managing 15-20 channels of communication.
No WONDER I’m struggling.
Challenge #2: The response expectation is unclear
Sometimes it’s nice to have regular connection that doesn’t require a big response.
But other times, you actually WANT your friend to want a response.
Like, do I just say “Yep, good week”? Or do I actually get into a deeper conversation?
And then I get nervous: Maybe they don’t have time for a deeper conversation. So now I’m sending a short response back.
How much are we all overthinking this?
Challenge #3: You might be on different platforms
Maybe you’re not really a social media person. But your friends share their life updates there.
So when you DO talk to them, they assume you’ve seen their updates. But you haven’t.
And then you feel guilty because that’s where they’re sharing, but it’s not something you actively look at.
Level 3: Intentional Connection
What This Looks Like:
- ▪️ Sending voice memos where you’re trying to have a deeper conversation
- ▪️ One-on-one detailed text conversations (expecting responses, asking active questions, sharing updates)
- ▪️ Scheduled calls (phone or FaceTime), not spontaneous, but planned
- ▪️ Virtual coffee dates
- ▪️ Online game nights on Zoom
- ▪️ Shared digital activities (like watching a show together on Zoom from across the country)
The Purpose:
Creating dedicated space for deeper connection.
The Value:
This maintains intimacy despite distance. You’re having those deeper chats with each other.
The Challenges:
Challenge #1: These require more energy and scheduling
And I think we make a LOT of assumptions about our friends’ energy and availability.
Instead of ASKING if they have time for a call, we just assume they don’t.
So we send those quick check-in texts instead.
Challenge #2: Text conversations can get lost in the day
You’re having a one-on-one conversation in a text thread. But you’re both busy.
So you send one or two messages at a time. They respond hours later. You respond the next day.
What could have been a 10-minute phone call is now a 7-day text thread.
And honestly? I find that frustrating.
Challenge #3: Vulnerability feels higher
Suggesting a scheduled call or a virtual hangout feels more vulnerable than sending a quick “thinking of you!” text.
What if they say no? What if they’re too busy?
So sometimes we just… don’t ask.
Level 4: Deeper-Dive Connections
What This Looks Like:
- ▪️ Spontaneous phone calls (you just KNOW it’s time to call instead of text)
- ▪️ Realizing mid-text-conversation that you should just TALK about this
- ▪️ Reading between the lines when messaging someone (picking up on frustration, sadness, excitement)
- ▪️ Picking up on digital distress signals (“Yeah, I’m fine” = NOT FINE)
- ▪️ Being available for crisis moments (text, FaceTime, phone, whatever they need)
- ▪️ Telling a friend going through something: “I took you off Do Not Disturb so you can call me anytime, day or night.”
- ▪️ Understanding your friends’ communication preferences in tough times (do they want calls? voice memos? space?)
The Purpose:
Providing crucial support and deeper connection during important moments: crisis moments OR really positive moments.
Knowing when to lean in and remove as many barriers as possible to feel close to each other.
The Value:
This maintains TRUST and deep friendship bonds.
The Challenges:
Challenge #1: It takes practice
Developing high emotional intelligence DIGITALLY is a skill.
You might be amazing at this in person. But digitally? It takes practice.
Challenge #2: It requires direct communication
Sometimes you have to just ASK: “Hey, if I were in your situation, I’d want you to just call me. Is that also what you want?”
Challenge #3: Availability doesn’t always align
Sometimes one friend needs this deeper connection, and the other person just doesn’t have the capacity in that moment.
And that can be really hard.
These four levels of digital connection might change how you think about your online friendships. Hear all the details in the full episode.
Why Understanding These Levels Matters
Okay, so now you’ve seen all four levels.
And maybe you’re having some feelings about yourself.
Here’s why I think understanding this spectrum matters:
Reason #1: You can give yourself some grace
I realized: I’m doing really well at Level 4 (deeper-dive connections) and pretty okay at Level 1 (surface signals).
But Levels 2 and 3? I’m really struggling.
And instead of beating myself up with “I’m bad at digital connection,” I can be more specific:
“I’m overwhelmed by the middle levels. I need to figure out a plan OR decide which ones to lean into and which to let go.”
Reason #2: You can understand what YOUR friends need
We’ve all heard stories of friendship frustration:
- ▪️ The friend who’s really upset you didn’t message them on their birthday
- ▪️ The friend who wants responses within a certain timeframe
- ▪️ The friend who wants actual TEXT responses (not just emoji reactions)
- ▪️ The friend who’s paying attention to who watches their stories
- ▪️ The friend who’s mad you don’t like/comment on their business posts
If we start to understand what levels our friends care about, we can communicate about it.
Reason #3: You can find your sweet spot
Not every friendship requires all levels.
Maybe some simpler friendships just need Level 1 and 2. You can put a little energy there each week/month, and that’s enough.
Then you can put more energy into Levels 3 and 4 with your deeper friendships.
The Common Struggles (And Why They’re Happening)
Let’s get real about what’s tripping us up:
Struggle #1: Mismatched Expectations
The situation: Some friends want small, consistent pings (Levels 1-2). They’re paying attention to surface signals and active updates.
But you want big updates and direct communication (Levels 3-4). That’s what matters to you.
The result: Frustration on both sides.
They think you’ve disappeared. You think you’re staying connected through deeper conversations.
Struggle #2: Feeling Overwhelmed by Trying to Maintain All Levels With Everyone
First: Do an audit on how many channels you’re managing.
I did this. 15-20 channels. No wonder I’m struggling.
Second: Remember that not every friendship requires all levels.
If you have simpler friendships, maybe you don’t need deeper-dive connections.
Put energy into Level 1-2 for those. Save Level 3-4 for your closest people.
Struggle #3: Guilt About Missing Important Updates
For me, it’s guilt about not responding to texts.
For you, it might be guilt about not being on social media where your friends share their lives.
The mismatch: They’re sharing there. You’re not looking there. Then, when you DO talk, they assume you’ve seen their updates. But you haven’t.
And now you feel bad.
Struggle #4: Pressure to Respond Immediately
We’ve ALL experienced this.
Maybe you’re quick to respond, but your friends aren’t, and you feel frustrated.
Or maybe you’re slower to respond, and you feel guilty.
That mismatch causes anxiety and frustration.
Maybe you assume their phone is still in their hand, and they saw your message and chose not to respond.
But maybe they’re anxious about what to say. Or they genuinely didn’t see it yet.
Struggling with digital friendship expectations? Listen to the complete episode for practical strategies to find your sweet spot.
Finding Your Digital Sweet Spot
Okay, so what do you DO with all this?
Step 1: Identify where you’re naturally strong
Which levels do you crush? Maybe it’s one. Maybe it’s two. Maybe you’re great at all of them (and if so, PLEASE tell me how).
For me: I’m great at Level 4 (deeper dives) and okay at Level 1 (surface signals).
Step 2: Understand what levels your friends care about
What’s important for different relationships in your life?
Do you tend to match on the same levels? Or is there a mismatch?
This might be worth a conversation.
Step 3: Give yourself permission to not be great at all levels
Maybe instead of telling yourself you need to be perfect at everything, you identify certain relationships where you want to lean in.
Example for me: Maybe I work on being really responsive to texts with certain close friends. But I give myself permission to respond less quickly in my business channels. Maybe the next day is fine. Or three times a week.
That’s a way to give myself permission.
Step 4: Communicate it to your people
You don’t need to make it a big deal.
You could say: “Hey, I realize there might be a mismatch here. I’m really not on social media, and I think you post a lot of life updates there. So I’m missing those. Can we figure out another way?”
Just acknowledge it.
Maybe they’ve never thought about it that way. And this frustration they’ve had? You can find a new middle ground.
What I’m Learning (In Real Time)
I’ll be honest: I only came up with these levels a few weeks ago.
So I don’t have a ton of success stories yet.
But my initial reaction is: This is a way to be kinder to myself.
Because here’s the truth: We’re all balancing SO MUCH digital connection.
On the one hand, it’s great. It keeps us connected to people across distance. It gives us accessibility.
But it can also feel like A LOT.
And I think I need to be kinder to myself about that.
Maybe you do too.
Your Turn
So here’s what I want you to do:
Action #1: Identify your sweet spot
Which levels are you naturally good at? Which ones are you dropping the ball on?
Be honest. No judgment.
Action #2: Audit your channels
How many places are you trying to maintain connection right now?
Instagram, Facebook, text, WhatsApp, Slack, Discord, group chats, work channels…
Write them down. You might be shocked.
Action #3: Pick ONE level to improve
Don’t try to fix everything at once.
Maybe you want to get better at Level 2 (active updates) with a few specific friends.
Or maybe you want to lean into Level 4 (deeper dives) more often.
Pick ONE thing. Start there.
Action #4: Have ONE conversation
Pick one friend where you suspect there’s a mismatch.
Talk about it.
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about how we stay in touch. I’m realizing I’m really not on social media much, but it seems like that’s where you share updates. Can we figure out a better way?”
That’s it. Just start the conversation.
The Bottom Line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
You’re not “bad at digital connection.”
You just have a style. A sweet spot. Levels you’re naturally drawn to and levels that drain you.
And that’s OKAY.
The goal isn’t to be perfect at all four levels with all your friends.
The goal is to:
- ▪️ Understand YOUR strengths
- ▪️ Communicate YOUR needs
- ▪️ Understand what YOUR FRIENDS need
- ▪️ Find middle ground where there’s mismatch
Digital connection is complicated. We’re managing more channels, more platforms, more types of communication than ever before.
Give yourself some grace.
And maybe (just maybe) understanding these levels will help you stop beating yourself up and start being more intentional instead.
Feeling guilty about digital connection? You’re probably great at some levels and struggling with others. Figure out YOUR sweet spot and work with it instead of against it.
Want more on digital connection? Go back and listen to the past few episodes. I’ve been doing a whole series. Parasocial relationships, online friends, virtual communities. It’s all connected.
Ready to rethink how you connect digitally? Tune into the full episode for everything discussed above and more.
