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I was backing out of the driveway after a gathering a few weeks ago, doing what I always do: mentally reviewing the conversations I’d had, thinking about follow-ups I needed to send, appreciating the time with people I care about.
And then my thoughts landed on this one man. Someone I’ve known for a very, very long time. Someone I know really well.
And I had a thought I’d never quite had before, at least not this clearly:
I don’t think he has a single close friend.
Sure, he has coworkers. He has his wife’s friends’ husbands that he sees at barbecues. He has various acquaintances and connections made through family functions over the years.
But a close friend? Someone he would actually call if shit hit the fan? If he was overwhelmed, feeling depressed, or unsure how to proceed in a pivotal life moment?
I couldn’t think of anyone.
And here’s what hit me as I sat with that realization: I can think of at least five men in my life who fit this exact description.
Maybe you can too. Maybe you’re thinking of someone right now: a brother, a father, a husband, a friend, a colleague. Someone who looks like they have it all together on the outside, but when you really think about it, you’re not sure who they’d turn to if they needed real support.
Or maybe (and I’m going to say this as gently as possible) maybe that person is you.
If it is, I want you to know: You’re not alone in this. And there’s a path forward.
The Silent Crisis Nobody’s Talking About
Before we go any further, I need to tell you why this matters so much to me personally.
My mom died when I was 13. Suddenly, my dad became a single parent to three kids: me at 13, my sister at 5, and my brother at 3.
And my dad? He didn’t really have a strong support system. He didn’t have close friendships he’d been investing in. So when this devastating thing happened, when his entire life got turned upside down and he was left raising three kids alone…
He was really on his own.
And here’s what I think about all the time: If I had grown up in a single-mother household, all of my mom’s friends would have rallied around her. Meals would have shown up. Childcare would have been offered. Emotional support would have been there.
But because I grew up in a single-dad household? He was expected to just… handle it. Keep his head down. Don’t complain. Figure it out.
My dad made it look like he had it together. And as someone who grew up in that household, I can tell you: He didn’t. He needed support. He needed people.
And he didn’t have them.
That’s why I’m so passionate about this conversation. That’s why when Antonio Neves (leadership expert, founder of the Man Morning men’s group, and author of Stop Living on Autopilot ) agreed to come on the podcast to talk about men’s friendships, I knew it was going to be an important episode.
Because this isn’t just about feeling a little lonely sometimes. This isn’t just about wishing you had more friends to grab beers with.
This is about what happens when life hits you hard, and you realize you have no one to call.
Why So Many Men End Up Here
Antonio has a way of describing what’s happening to so many men right now that’s both brutal and perfect:
“So many men are what I like to call emotionally constipated. We have a backlog of emotions that are not getting out.”
He’s not just talking about anger or sadness. He’s talking about joy, not getting out. Celebrations are not happening. Fear not being acknowledged. All of it is just building up inside.
“It’s like a can of soda being shaken up non-stop,” Antonio told me. “And unfortunately, it explodes at the wrong time.”
But why? Why are so many men living this way?
Antonio’s answer is simple and devastating: “In Western society, specifically United States culture, a lot of dudes: we’re taught to do what you’re supposed to do, don’t complain, don’t say much, keep your head up and keep moving forward.”
That messaging gets instilled early and reinforced constantly. And even when men DO try to open up, to show vulnerability, to be real about how they’re feeling?
“Sometimes, unfortunately, even when we do open up and share these things, I think a lot of men feel like it can be used against them,” Antonio said. “Whether that’s with friends, whether that’s in the workplace, sometimes even with their spouse.”
So men hold it in. They perform. They look like they’re winning on the outside while quietly struggling on the inside.
They end up with coworkers they’re friendly with but would never be vulnerable with. They end up at barbecues with their wives’ friends’ husbands, making small talk but never real talk. They end up with a calendar full of work meetings and family obligations, but nothing, absolutely nothing, that’s specifically for them.
And then one day, something goes wrong. And they realize they have no one to call.
Rock Bottom Is Not the Time to Build Your Support System
Here’s something Antonio said that I think everyone needs to hear:
“Rock bottom is not required.”
We have this idea that you need to hit some horrible breaking point before you can justify asking for help or investing in friendships. A DUI. Divorce papers. Losing your job. A health crisis.
“We think we have to have that horrible moment of rock bottom,” Antonio said. “But rock bottom is not required. We can slowly but surely attack this thing head-on.”
And here’s what I want to add to that: Rock bottom is also not the TIME to start building your support system.
“When you’re in crisis, when you’re overwhelmed, when everything is falling apart: that’s the worst possible moment to try to figure out who your people are and start building those relationships from scratch.”
My dad learned that the hard way. He didn’t have the support system in place before my mom died. And trying to build it while simultaneously grieving and raising three kids alone and keeping his career afloat? Nearly impossible.
Be kind to your future self. Build the support system now.
Not because you’re in crisis. Not because you’ve hit rock bottom. But because you’re a human being who needs connection. Because life WILL throw you curveballs eventually. Because you deserve to have people you can be real with.
Because living on autopilot, performing constantly, holding everything in. That’s not actually living. That’s surviving.
What It Actually Looks Like to Stop Living on Autopilot
Okay, so you’re convinced. Or maybe you’re not fully convinced but you’re willing to consider that you might need more support than you currently have.
What do you actually DO about it?
Antonio’s first piece of advice might surprise you: “Don’t do it alone. Whatever you do. Let me tell you what’s not going to solve your problems: Thinking really hard. Sitting down and thinking really hard is not going to solve your problems.”
So many men think they can solve this by themselves. Just think harder about it. Reflect more. Figure it out internally.
That’s not how this works.
Here’s what Antonio recommends instead:
Find Recurring Community
This is the big one. The game-changer.
“The first thing I do when I audit the men I work with is I look at their calendar,” Antonio told me. “And sadly, for a lot of men who are struggling with isolation, loneliness, and disconnection, outside of work and family, there’s nothing else on their calendar that is specifically for them that they have to look forward to every single week.”
Every single week.
Not once a month when schedules align. Not “we should grab drinks sometime.” Every. Single. Week.
For Antonio, that’s the Man Morning community: men’s groups that meet weekly across the country. They gather (often at 7 or 8 am, which Antonio says leads to much more intentional conversations than 7 pm over drinks) and ask two questions:
- What are you celebrating, personally or professionally, big or small?
- What are you navigating, personally or professionally, big or small?
That’s it. That’s the format. And it creates space for men to actually share what’s really going on in their lives.
But here’s the key thing about Man Morning that makes it work: It’s an opt-OUT community, not an opt-in community.
“We don’t have a text that goes out the night before asking who’s in,” Antonio explained. “We expect you to be there. You only text if you CAN’T attend because you’re out of town. You’re expected to opt out, not opt in.”
This saves SO much energy. You make the decision once to commit, and then it’s just on your calendar. You don’t have to muster up the motivation every single week to coordinate and set something up.
Make the decision once. Show up consistently.
If you don’t have a Man Morning group in your area (or a similar men’s group), Antonio’s advice is to find places in your community where people go to grow. A church group. A sports league. A class at the gym. Somewhere, people show up to get better.
“The key thing is having something on the calendar,” Antonio said. “Somewhere to be every single week.”
In the full episode, Antonio and I go deeper into the structure of Man Morning and why showing up weekly, even when you don’t feel like it, is what actually changes everything. If you’re a man (or love one) who’s wondering whether community like this could really work for you, this part of the conversation is worth your time. Listen to the complete episode here.
Learn to Ask Questions (And Actually Listen)
Here’s something Antonio said that stopped me in my tracks:
“A lot of us think we’re great listeners, but most people are level one listeners.”
Level one listening is when someone shares something, and you immediately make it about you. “Oh, I just got back from Disney World!” “Oh, I’ve been to Disney World! I love Epcot!”
You just stopped all forward momentum.
Level two listening is making it about them: “Oh man, I hear Disney World is amazing. What was your favorite part?”
And level three listening (the Oprah level) is when you can hear what’s UNDERNEATH what someone’s saying. When a friend says, “My day was okay, everything’s fine,” but you can hear the frustration or sadness underneath that, and you call it out gently.
But here’s the thing Antonio emphasized: You can’t do level three listening with everyone. It requires trust and a strong relationship.
For most situations, especially when you’re trying to deepen a friendship, the magic is in asking better questions and being okay with silence.
“Tell me more about that”: those five words will always be your friend in a conversation.
And then? Shut up and listen.
“The magic happens in silence,” Antonio said. “I used to feel like I had to fill up the space, but you keep that space open, and all of a sudden that person will share more than you ever thought they would.”
As someone who spent years on a men’s crew team surrounded by guys, I can confirm: the silence is where the real stuff comes out. Don’t rush to fill it.
Connect With Someone Every Single Day
This one is from Antonio’s “Man Morning One Day Planner”: a framework he uses that identifies five key things that, if you do them every day, lead to a good day (sometimes a great day).
One of those five things? Connect with someone.
And before you think “oh, I text people all the time,” let me stop you there.
“Text messaging doesn’t count,” Antonio said. “Leaving someone a voice note doesn’t count. I’m talking about hearing someone’s voice (whether it’s a phone call, FaceTime, video, whatever). Hearing their voice.”
It doesn’t need to be long. Five minutes count. Ten minutes count.
Just hear another human’s voice and have an actual conversation.
“Every single day I have this on my planner, and when I hit ‘connect,’ I know I fulfilled something really important,” Antonio said.
And here’s what he added that I loved: “As much as this is a podcast that you’ll publish, I consider this connecting with someone. You’re hearing me. This is a conversation. Hopefully, it’s going to add value for someone else, but I’m connecting with you. I’m getting benefit out of this as well.”
Get creative with how you connect. Just make sure you’re actually connecting.
Be Willing to Be Inconvenienced
This one hit different for me.
Antonio said, “Sometimes being inconvenienced is worth it. I think one of the foundations of great friendships is the willingness to be inconvenienced.”
Driving an hour to help your friend hang cabinets on a Saturday when the last thing you want to do is hang cabinets. But then, while you’re doing it, he shares what’s really going on in his life.
Picking your friend up at the airport instead of letting them get an Uber. Cursing the traffic the whole way there. But then when they get in the car, you’re so glad you did it.
Going to that hockey game at 8 pm on a weeknight when you’d rather be in bed. But coming home at 10:30, so energized you can’t even sleep because you had such a good time.
Friendship requires being willing to be inconvenienced.
And you know what? So does building friendships in the first place. It’s inconvenient to try something new. To show up somewhere where you don’t know anyone. To be vulnerable with someone. To ask for help.
But the alternative (living on autopilot, isolated, performing constantly) is way more inconvenient in the long run.
In the full episode, I talk about what it looks like to move from knowing you need more connection to actually building it, and Antonio shares the exact questions he asks men to help them break through. If you’re someone who knows you’re isolated but can’t quite figure out what’s holding you back, this conversation will feel like it was made for you. Listen to the complete episode here.
The Questions That Change Everything
Antonio shared two questions he asks men he works with that I think are incredibly powerful:
“What’s the biggest lie you’re telling yourself right now?”
“What’s the biggest secret you’re holding right now from family and friends?”
He told me that men open up in ways that surprise even him when he asks these questions. Because they’re not trying to prove anything. It’s a safe space. It’s confidential.
“I was a secret cigarette smoker for a long time,” Antonio shared. “We all have these secrets that we’re not sharing with people.”
And those secrets? They’re weighing on you. They’re part of that emotional constipation. They’re keeping you isolated even when you’re surrounded by people.
You need somewhere safe to share them.
What About the Barriers You’re Already Thinking Of?
I know what some of you are thinking right now. I can hear the objections:
“I don’t have time for this.”
“I can’t afford to invest in myself like that.”
“I’m too old to make new friends.”
“I’m an introvert; this isn’t for me.”
Let me address these one by one:
“I don’t have time.”
Antonio looked at men’s calendars and found that outside of work and family, there’s literally nothing on there for them. Nothing.
You have time. You’re just not prioritizing it.
And here’s the thing: The time you spend building these connections will actually GIVE you more capacity for everything else.
When you have support, when you have people to process with, when you’re not carrying everything alone: you show up better everywhere else in your life.
“I can’t afford it.”
Antonio was really direct about this: “We must be willing sometimes to write a check, to invest in ourselves.”
“We’re willing to invest in so many different things. Hand over our credit card for this subscription, pay for drinks, and buy this. But when it comes to a small investment in ourselves (whether for a coaching session, joining a group, going to a conference) we have so much hesitation.”
He continued: “I want to normalize investing in yourself. It’s the only investment that has the potential for infinite return.”
And listen, not everything costs money. Finding a weekly pickup basketball game? Free. Starting a group text with guys you want to stay connected with? Free. Calling a friend instead of texting? Free.
But if there IS something that costs money that would genuinely help you (a men’s group, a coach, a conference), consider it. Your future self will thank you.
“I’m too old.”
Antonio talked about how, as we get older, we lose being bold. We lose being courageous. We stop trying new things.
“There’s this great article in The New York Times,” he told me, “where two co-founders of a company were talking about New York City in the ’90s. One guy said, ‘I really miss the old New York.’ And his business partner corrected him: ‘You don’t miss the old New York. What you miss is the old you and how you used to show up in life.’”
That hit me so hard.
You’re not too old. You just miss the version of yourself who was willing to try new things, who was bold, who showed up with excitement and optimism.
That version of you is still in there. You just have to give yourself permission to access it again.
“I’m an introvert.”
Antonio IS an introvert. So am I, actually.
“Being an introvert doesn’t mean you can’t make friends or that you have a harder time,” he said. “What’s important is maintaining a good balance between social time and your own time.”
He continued: “The time I can devote to socializing is limited because I have to look after my mental health and energy. But with that understanding, I can still build and maintain friendships.”
Being an introvert means you need to be intentional about your energy. It doesn’t mean you’re excused from building connections.
The Story That Shows This Is Possible
Before we wrap up, I want to share one more story that Antonio told me. Because I think it perfectly captures what’s possible when you actually commit to this.
He has a friend (someone he met in college) with whom he stays connected, along with their whole friend group. And when they get together, whether on calls or in person annually, he said:
“It just feels like home. It’s not performative. So much of our life is performative, and it’s like a nice exhale.”
That’s what we’re all looking for, isn’t it? That place where we don’t have to perform. Where we can just BE. Where we can exhale.
Antonio found that. And you can too.
But you have to actually do something about it.
A Story That Gives Me Hope
I want to close with a story that someone shared with me recently that I absolutely love.
A family (mom, dad, a couple of kids) realized after talking with me that Dad didn’t really have any friends. And they saw how it was impacting his mental health. How he had no outlets for joy or fun or his passions.
So they sat down as a family and decided: This year, Dad is going to make friends.
And it became a dinner table topic. They all cheered him on for trying new things, for going out. They had conversations about how sometimes they’d have to sacrifice Dad being at a sports game once a month because it was important for him to go out and make friends.
It became a family value and a family goal.
And you know what? Dad would go out to a sports game and come home with stories to tell his family about what he did. About the people he met. About the conversations he had.
The kids got to watch their dad model what it takes to put yourself out there, try new things, and build new friendships.
That’s what’s possible when you stop treating men’s friendships as optional. When you make it a priority. When you support it as a family.
What I Want You to Do This Week
If you’re a man reading this and you’re recognizing yourself in these words, here’s what I want you to do:
Pick ONE thing. Just one.
Maybe that’s:
- ▪️ Researching men’s groups in your area
- ▪️ Calling a friend instead of texting them
- ▪️ Asking one person, “Tell me more about that,” and actually listening
- ▪️ Putting something on your calendar that’s specifically for YOU
- ▪️ Being honest with your spouse about needing more connection
- ▪️ Saying yes to something that inconveniences you slightly
Just one thing. One small action.
Because here’s what Antonio emphasized over and over: Thinking really hard isn’t going to solve this. Action will.
And if you’re someone who loves a man who’s struggling with this (a partner, a parent, a friend), here’s what YOU can do:
Make it okay. Make it a priority. Make it celebrated.
Subscribe to the Man Morning newsletter so you can better understand what he’s going through. Have conversations at the dinner table about the importance of connection. Sacrifice something small so he has time to invest in friendships. Celebrate when he tries something new.
Stop expecting him to have it all together all the time.
The Truth Nobody Wants to Say Out Loud
I’m going to end with something Antonio said that I think is really important, even though I know it’s going to make some people uncomfortable:
We were talking about how men are celebrated in society, and Antonio shared a story about his eight-year-old son coming home during Women’s History Month and asking: “Dad, how come they never celebrate boys or men?”
And before you get defensive, let me clarify what Antonio (and I) mean by this:
Men are celebrated for what they provide and achieve. They’re not celebrated for just being themselves.
Not for being happy. Not for having fun. Not for trying something new. Not for being vulnerable. Not for asking for help.
They’re celebrated for checking boxes. For their titles. For their accomplishments. For what they can DO, not who they ARE.
And that’s exhausting. And isolating. And unsustainable.
Men need to be seen and celebrated for who they are, not just what they provide.
That’s what friendship offers. That’s what community offers. That space where you don’t have to perform. Where you can just be. Where you’re valued for showing up as yourself, not for what you achieve.
That’s what’s waiting for you on the other side of taking action.
So stop thinking about it. Stop waiting for rock bottom. Stop living on autopilot.
Pick one thing. Do it this week. And then keep going.
The friends you’re looking for? They’re looking for you too.
They’re just waiting for someone to be brave enough to go first.
In the full episode, Antonio and I cover everything from how to identify who in your life could become a closer friend, to the exact language you can use to deepen a conversation, to what to do when you’re starting from near zero. If you’re someone who recognizes any piece of yourself in this post, the complete episode is worth a listen. It might be one of the most important conversations you hear this year.
Looking for resources specifically for men? Check out the Man Morning newsletter: it’s a weekly dose of encouragement, strategy, and real talk for growth-driven men. (And if you’re a woman who wants to better support the men in your life, subscribe too. You’ll understand so much more about what they’re going through.)
