Let me ask you a question, and I want you to be honest:
How often do you wish you were invited to something?
A party. A gathering. A casual hangout. A group trip. A celebration. Even just to someone’s house to hang out on a random Tuesday.
I’m guessing your immediate response is something like: “Oh, not that often. I prefer to stay home anyway. I have social anxiety. I hate small talk. I don’t like getting dressed up. I’m just more comfortable at home.”
And look, sometimes that’s absolutely true. Sometimes we genuinely need to be home, alone, recharging.
But I think a lot of the time? Those are just excuses we’re using to cover up something deeper.
Because here’s what I actually believe: Most of us DO want to be invited. Not to everything, but to certain things. We’re just scared to admit it.
So let me give you some scenarios and see if any of them sound familiar…
The Moments We Desperately Want an Invitation
Scenario 1: The Party You Watched on Instagram
A few weeks ago, I was scrolling through Instagram late at night. I live in Seattle, and there’s this historic fine dining restaurant here called Canlis. A couple of times a year, they throw these massive themed parties.
This time? A “Ken-lis” party. Yes, as in Barbie and Ken.
They painted the entire restaurant hot pink. People showed up in themed costumes on rollerblades. There were Kens in every possible Ken outfit dancing on the roof. (Yes, this is real. You can look it up.)
And I’m sitting on my couch in my pajamas, watching all these Instagram stories, thinking:
I want to have fun like that. I want to laugh with my friends, rollerblade, be silly, eat delicious food, get dressed up, and act random for a night. I want to laugh at all the Kens dancing on the roof.
The restaurant is literally a 10-minute walk from my house. I could have bought a ticket. I could have gone.
But I didn’t. And now I’m watching everyone else have the time of their lives.
Scenario 2: The Casual Hangout That Sounds Perfect
You’re at work on Monday, and a coworker is telling you about their weekend. They threw a casual barbecue: just gave an open invite, people came and went as they pleased. They had the grill going, turned on the bonfire later, and people sat around having easy conversations, meeting friends of friends.
Just… existing together. Having a mellow, fun weekend.
And you’re listening, thinking: God, I would love if I had friendships where someone just invited me to hang out like that. That sounds so nice. So easy. So… exactly what I want.
Scenario 3: The Trip You Said No To (And Now Regret)
Two of your friends went on a trip together. Maybe they even invited you, and you said no. Now you’re watching their Instagram stories; they’re being adventurous, laughing, getting lost in a park in some city, but giggling about it, taking photos.
And you’re sitting there thinking: I would love to be invited on a trip like that. I want to feel free, spontaneous, and connected.
Scenario 4: The Milestone You’re Not Part Of Anymore
This one’s personal for me.
I was scrolling social media a couple of weeks ago and saw that a historic friend of mine (someone I’m just not as close with anymore, someone whose friendship has naturally drifted) had a major milestone celebration.
At one point in our lives, I really envisioned we’d be there for each other at every single one of these big moments.
And I saw the posts from this party, and I was hit with this wave of: Wow. I wish I had been invited to that.
Not because I need proof we’re still friends. Not because I’m mad I wasn’t included.
But because I always thought we’d feel close to each other for these milestones. And the honest truth is… we don’t feel close right now. Maybe we will again someday. But not right now.
And I wanted that invite because I wanted to feel close to her. To celebrate her. To tell her how excited I am for her.
Do any of these scenarios resonate?
Because here’s what I think is actually happening in all of them:
We don’t just want the invitation. We want the FEELING we think we’ll have if we go.
Connection. Joy. Fun. Spontaneity. Belonging. Support. Being seen. Being celebrated. Celebrating others.
We see these gatherings (or we imagine them) and we project onto them this feeling we’re craving. And THAT’S what we actually want.
So, Why Do We Dread Actually Going?
Here’s where it gets interesting.
Because as much as we want these invitations, as much as we crave these feelings…
When is it actually time to go? We feel nothing but dread.
You wake up in the morning and think:
- ▪️ Ugh, I’m kind of tired.
- ▪️ I don’t really want to socialize today.
- ▪️ I don’t know everyone who’s going to be there.
- ▪️ I’m not good at small talk.
- ▪️ I can’t believe I have to get dressed up.
- ▪️ Maybe I’ll just cancel.
Sound familiar?
Here’s my theory about why this happens:
We want to go because we have a desire (almost a fantasy) about how we’ll feel. But when it’s time to actually leave, we’re already anticipating the possibility that we’ll be disappointed.
Because how many times have you gone to a party or gathering and left thinking: Why did I even go? That was so much energy. I wish I’d just stayed home.
When this happens over and over, we create a pattern:
- We desire gatherings that will make us feel a certain way
- We go, hoping this will be the one
- We leave disappointed
- Repeat
Eventually, our brain starts protecting us by making us dread going in the first place. It’s like: “Hey, remember the last 10 times you went to a party and felt let down? Let’s just skip this one.”
We want the invitation. We dread the reality.
And that’s exhausting. And honestly? It’s kind of sad.
Because gatherings (good gatherings) actually matter.
Why Gatherings Actually Matter (Even When They Suck)
Let’s take a step back for a second.
What IS a gathering, really?
A gathering is a bunch of people coming together to feel something.
The best gatherings (the ones we remember years later) are the ones that caused some kind of internal shift. An emotional change. A boost of momentum in our lives.
Maybe we felt:
- ▪️ Inspired to try something new
- ▪️ Supported during a hard time
- ▪️ Connected to people we care about
- ▪️ Celebrated and seen
- ▪️ Challenged to think differently
- ▪️ Lighter and more joyful
- ▪️ Part of something bigger than ourselves
We spend so much time in our own heads (which is fine! I’m not saying don’t be introspective!). But sometimes it’s really valuable to be around other people who might:
- ▪️ Offer a fresh perspective
- ▪️ Inspire you
- ▪️ Make you laugh
- ▪️ Remind you you’re not alone
- ▪️ Give you information you didn’t have
- ▪️ Help you see the world differently
- ▪️ Boost your energy
The best gatherings create a shift. They move us forward or help us exhale.
The problem? Those gatherings are pretty few and far between for most people.
It’s way more common to leave a gathering thinking: Well, that was… fine. I guess. Did I really need to be there?
And the more we feel that way, the more we dread going next time. Which means we say no more often. Which means we miss out on the gatherings that COULD have been transformative.
Because here’s the thing: You can’t always predict which gatherings will change your life.
The most unexpected gatherings can end up being the most impactful. But if you’re not showing up because you’re stuck in the dread cycle, you’ll never know.
In the full episode, I dive deeper into each of these scenarios and share what was really going on beneath the surface for me. If you’ve ever found yourself scrolling through someone else’s fun night wishing you’d been included, you’ll want to hear the full conversation. Listen to the complete episode here.
The Real Problem: We’re Passive Guests
So how do we break this cycle?
How do we stop endlessly attending gatherings that feel meaningless while simultaneously wishing we were invited to more things?
Here’s what I’ve learned: We have to stop being passive guests.
Most of us show up to gatherings hoping the host has designed an experience that will make us feel something. We’re waiting for them to create the magic.
And look, I WISH everyone would read Priya Parker’s book The Art of Gathering and learn how to design intentional, meaningful gatherings. If you’re someone who hosts, or even if you just hate meaningless gatherings, go read that book. It will change your life.
But here’s the reality: Most people aren’t going to do that.
Most gatherings are going to be cookie-cutter. Same format. Same activities. Same surface-level conversations.
Birthday parties where we eat cake, sing the song, and go home.
Networking events where we awkwardly exchange business cards.
Holiday parties where we stand around making small talk about the weather.
If we’re going to live in a world where most gatherings aren’t designed to create meaningful connection or emotional shifts, then we have to create that meaning for ourselves.
Because we DO have power here. We’re not helpless.
We can become active participants instead of passive attendees.
The Three Questions That Changed Everything for Me
Here’s the simple strategy I use to create meaning at every gathering I attend:
I ask myself three questions before I walk in the door.
That’s it. Three questions. You can do this while driving there, sitting in your car before going inside, or even walking from your car to the front door.
It takes maybe two minutes. And it completely transforms the experience.
Here are the three questions:
Question 1: Why are we gathering?
What is the actual point of this gathering?
If it’s a birthday party, you’re probably gathering to celebrate that person. To make them feel supported, bring them joy, remind them of their impact.
If it’s a funeral, you’re gathering to appreciate all the connections the person who passed had, to remember how they touched people, and to reflect on the value of a life.
If it’s a casual hangout, maybe the point is just to feel relaxed in the company of others. To remember you’re supported. To have that deep exhale that comes from being around your people.
If it’s a networking event, you’re there to meet new people, make connections, and learn something.
If it’s a conference, maybe you’re there to feel inspired, get new ideas, be challenged.
This question isn’t about creating your own meaning (yet). It’s about tuning into what the host MIGHT be trying to create.
Because sometimes there WILL be some intentional energy at a gathering. But if you haven’t spent even a second thinking about what that energy is supposed to be, you might miss it entirely.
You might be so stuck in your own head, going through the motions, that you miss the moment someone actually designed to make you feel something.
When you ask yourself, “Why are we gathering?” you’re more likely to be present for those moments.
Question 2: How do I want to feel when I leave?
This is where you get to create your own intention.
How do YOU want to feel when you walk out that door?
This might align with the overall purpose of the gathering, or it might not. And that’s okay.
Maybe you’re at a birthday party, and you want to feel a moment of genuine connection with the birthday person. You want to tell them what they mean to you.
Maybe you’re at a conference, and you want to feel creatively engaged and inspired.
Maybe you’re at that casual backyard barbecue, and you just want to feel at ease. Relaxed. Reminded that you have people who care about you.
Maybe you’re at a networking event, and you want to feel like you made at least one real connection, not just collected business cards.
Get specific about the feeling you’re chasing.
Because remember: that’s why you wanted the invitation in the first place. You wanted to feel something.
So decide what that something is.
Question 3: What’s one thing I can do to feel that way?
Now that you know how you want to feel, what’s one concrete action you can take to make that happen?
Just one thing. Don’t overwhelm yourself.
Birthday party example: Find a moment alone with the person you’re celebrating. It doesn’t need to be a 40-minute heart-to-heart. Just walk up to them and say: “Hey, I just want you to know our friendship means a lot to me. I’m really happy to be here celebrating you tonight. We’ve had so many great memories this year.”
Done. Two minutes. Massive impact.
Conference example: Seek out one specific person whose talk resonated with you. Ask them one thoughtful question. Have a five-minute conversation that leaves you feeling intellectually engaged.
Casual barbecue example: Decide you’re going to laugh as much as possible. Actively steer away from heavy, intense conversations. Focus on being silly, playful, and at ease. Go home feeling lighter.
Networking event example: Instead of trying to meet 20 people, have one genuine conversation. Ask someone about their work in a way that goes beyond surface level. Leave feeling like you made a real connection.
See how simple this is?
You’re not trying to control the entire gathering. You’re not trying to force some huge transformation.
You’re just identifying one small thing you can do to create a moment of meaning for yourself.
In the full episode, I talk through the “three questions” framework in much more detail, including the specific language I use to ask them and real examples of how they’ve transformed gatherings I almost skipped. If you’re someone who tends to leave events feeling like they weren’t worth the effort, this is worth a listen. Hear the complete episode here.
How This Breaks the Cycle
Here’s what happens when you start doing this:
You stop being a passive attendee, hoping the host will create magic for you.
You start being an active participant who creates your own moments of meaning.
And here’s the beautiful thing: Those small moments add up.
Maybe the gathering as a whole isn’t life-changing. Maybe the host didn’t design a transformative experience.
But YOU had a meaningful conversation. YOU told someone what they mean to you. YOU laughed more than you have in weeks. YOU met someone interesting. YOU felt inspired by one talk.
That’s not nothing. That’s actually everything.
Because when you leave that gathering with even ONE moment of meaning, you don’t leave feeling like it was a waste of time.
You leave thinking: That was worth it. I’m glad I went.
And when you have that experience a few times, something shifts.
You stop dreading gatherings. You start looking forward to them.
Because you’ve built trust in yourself. You know that even if the gathering itself is mediocre, YOU can create meaning. YOU can make it worthwhile.
Those breadcrumbs of meaning keep you showing up.
And when you keep showing up? Eventually, you’ll be there for one of those truly life-altering gatherings that you never saw coming.
But you have to be in the room for that to happen.
My Challenge to You This Week
The next time you’re heading to a gathering (any gathering) I want you to try this.
Before you walk in the door, ask yourself:
- Why are we gathering?
- How do I want to feel when I leave?
- What’s one thing I can do to feel that way?
That’s it. Two minutes of intentional thinking.
And then go DO that one thing.
Don’t worry about controlling the whole experience. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make the entire gathering meaningful.
Just do your one thing.
I promise you’ll be surprised at how much this shifts your experience.
And maybe (just maybe) you’ll start to notice something else:
You’ll stop having as many moments where you’re scrolling Instagram wishing you’d been invited somewhere.
Because you’ll be too busy actually living your life. Actually showing up. Actually creating meaning.
You’ll be at the gathering. Not watching it from your couch.
And sure, you’ll still sometimes wish you were invited to certain things. That’s normal. That’s human.
But you’ll also start having more moments where you’re celebrating a friend’s milestone, laughing at a backyard barbecue, and having a meaningful conversation at a conference.
You’ll be creating the experiences you used to just fantasize about.
All because you stopped being a passive guest and started taking charge of your own experience.
So go ahead. Try it at your next gathering.
Ask the three questions. Do your one thing.
And watch what happens when you stop waiting for meaning to find you and start creating it yourself.
In the full episode, I walk through this entire framework step by step and share even more stories about gatherings that shifted everything for me. If you’re someone who wants to stop dreading plans and start actually looking forward to them, the complete episode is a great place to start.
