I was talking to one of you in my messages the other day.
We were going back and forth, just chatting about some friendship problems and some ideas I had: things to try.
(I’ll just do that, by the way.)
But she asked me a question. And I thought it was a really great question. So I’m bringing it here.
Her question was: You spend an extraordinary amount of time thinking about friendship. If you could go back and tell younger you some of the things you know now, what would you tell her?
I was like: Wow.
Why This Question Hit Me
Because I really do think I have changed as a friend pretty rapidly.
I spend more time than the average person thinking about community, connection, and friendship. As we all know.
So some of these realizations I’m having at 35? People might be having at 40, 50, 60, or 70.
Everyone’s Journey Is Different
Everybody’s friendship journey is different.
I don’t think there’s any milestone at which you need to have had certain realizations or understandings about your friendships.
Everybody’s on their own journey.
And I think that’s evident by the fact that we do have listeners of Friendship IRL who are in their 70s and 80s.
(Now I don’t know anybody in their 90s listening. So if that is you, let me know.)
The Universal Truth
But no matter what age you are, there’s probably something you wish you could go back and tell a younger you.
Because we are all growing and changing as friends.
What I’d Tell Younger Me
So what would I tell younger me?
Man, probably a lot of things.
But before I get into that, let me paint you a picture.
The Picture: High School/College Alex
If I had to paint a picture of myself as a younger friend (if we go all the way back to maybe high school Alex)…
If you were my friend, I would be somebody who looked like I had it all together.
That shouldn’t be any surprise. If you’ve listened to a number of these episodes (if you go back and listen to, I think it’s Episode 19, “The One for Little Alex”), you’ll understand why I looked like I had it all together.
But I looked like I had it all together.
The Strong Friend
I was definitely the strong friend.
And I never really had one core group. Like a trio or a little thing.
I generally had some people I was maybe closer to, but I often (even in middle school and high school) had multiple overlapping groups.
I think that’s because I was a pretty active, engaged kid.
I was in the student body. I was in sports. So I had groups of friends in each of those that I was really close to.
Now they all kind of knew each other. So I could bring them together pretty easily.
But for the most part, it was separate friendships.
I probably had two to three groups going at once.
I did have a couple of girls who were kind of my core, I guess, ride-or-die people. But they also had other friends. Because they were also active and engaged.
Hard on My Friendships
I think I was pretty hard on my friendships.
And a lot of that’s just not knowing how to deliver (I don’t want to say “feedback”), but even just my feelings.
I didn’t know how to express my feelings very well.
So my friends would get kind of a blow-up sometimes.
If I could go back and look, it’s like I wasn’t as appreciative for what my friendships brought to me.
I think I knew deep down. But I didn’t express it.
That’s the way to put it.
I tried to show it. I tried to be worthy of it. But I didn’t tell them to their face.
I hope they knew.
The Imbalance
However, on the flip side, I was very quick to tell them if something was wrong.
Or if I was wronged. Or if they wronged each other.
Very quick to be the friend to, quote-unquote, “tell it like it is.”
I think that was hard. Because there wasn’t a balance there.
Of me being very verbally grateful and then also being kind of intense.
Sometimes it really felt like it swung one way.
The Worthiness Piece
You know, I mentioned this worthiness piece (I’ve done episodes before) and being the strong friend.
I think that because I needed my friendships so badly, I was constantly going overboard to try to be worthy of them.
I was the person where if somebody needed something, I would forsake all my own needs to show up for them.
Because it felt like I was constantly trying to earn these friendships.
Because deep down, I knew how much I needed them.
College Was Similar
And of course, this is my experience. This may not be your experience. Or you may identify with some of these.
But I’m just trying to paint a picture of younger Alex.
College was kind of similar. I had multiple groups. I had a couple of very, very close friends.
But a lot of my same patterns were there.
What I’ve Learned: Part 1: Choosing Friends
So for today’s episode, I’m going to break this down into:
- ▪️ What I’ve learned about choosing friends
- ▪️ What I’ve learned about being a friend
- ▪️ What I’ve learned about friendship transitions
- ▪️ And then some final advice I would give younger me
I Did Pretty Good (Mostly)
When I look back at choosing friends, I think I did a pretty good job.
I think I really went with my gut quite often.
If I could give myself one piece of advice, it’s this:
Just because you’re part of a group doesn’t mean those need to become your best friends.
The Proximity Trap
And I say that because I was part of sports, the student body, and different groups throughout time.
And because I spent so much time with them, I really just let the proximity become my friendships.
For the most part, that was fine. They were good people.
But sometimes I think that had I put in the energy, I would have found other, maybe more aligned friendships.
So that’s what I would tell Alex: It’s okay to be part of that group and to let those friendships be simpler. And to spend some of your time developing other friendships.
What I Did Right
I think I would tell her that she did a pretty good job of not letting status drive her friendships.
I’ve never really been one to seek out a friendship because I thought it would bring me some sort of status.
There were times when I was curious about those people, so I would connect with them.
But I never really pursued it as some deeper friendship.
I would just allow them to be part of my greater community. Another person in my social web that I could call on.
Building Community
Looking back, I think younger Alex did a really great job of building community.
I’ve always been somebody who, when I’m drawn to someone, I will pursue that connection.
But it doesn’t need to become my closest friend.
Over time, a lot of those people. I’d hang out with them once, twice, or three times; we’d have a good time and positive interactions.
And maybe it just didn’t feel like it was going anywhere.
I would allow it to be just part of my greater community. A simpler connection.
Maybe I run into them here or there.
The One Big Piece of Advice
Now, I think if I could go back and give younger Alex one piece of advice, it’s this:
I really saw community, connection, and friendship as valuable from the get-go. Whether I knew it or not.
Back in high school, I treated it as something very important in my life.
So what I would go back and tell her is: That IS important. Check in on your friends and how much THEY value these connections.
They don’t have to value it as much as you do.
But I think understanding how much somebody values friendship, community, and connection can save you from some heartbreak down the line.
Why This Matters
If you just assume somebody values it as much as you do, when in reality they really don’t (like it’s convenient right now, there’s proximity right now) that can save some heartbreak down the line.
When maybe two people move apart. Or life changes happen.
If you’re just aware that the other person doesn’t value it as much…
I’m not saying don’t be friends with them. They can be a really fun friend for that period of life.
But if you understand the reality of how much they value this, then you know:
When the transition happens, maybe you can put energy elsewhere instead of trying to keep all the energy in that friendship when it’s really one-sided.
There were definitely some times when I tried to put in the one-sided energy.
And I think it broke my heart a little bit.
Want to hear all the lessons I’d share with my younger self about friendship? Listen to the full episode for the full story, from choosing friends to navigating transitions.
What I’ve Learned: Part 2: Being a Friend
Now, if I could go back and talk to younger Alex about what I’ve learned about being a friend…
Oh my gosh. So many things.
I have so many moments where I was, quote-unquote, “that friend.”
I was the one who was the advice-giver (talked about that in a recent episode).
I was the one who said she wanted to do things, but then she didn’t respond to the text messages.
I was the friend who said things and hurt somebody’s feelings.
You’ll Never Be Perfect
And I think what I would go back and tell younger Alex is: There’s no way you’re going to be the perfect friend. Ever.
So any pressure I put on myself to be the perfect friend, I should just let that go.
And instead, put my energy into learning from every interaction.
Trying to really hone in on how I feel about it and what I can do to change that.
An Example
Like: If I don’t want to be the friend who can never listen to someone’s feelings and always feels like she has to give advice…
Then instead of putting my energy into being like: “Oh, you’re just a bad friend. Nobody wants to be friends with you.”
No. Get rid of that.
Because there were lots of times when I did that.
Instead, put my energy into being like:
“Okay, well, how can I act a little differently and give myself some grace?”
Give Yourself Grace
I wish I could go back and give myself some grace.
The Definition Changes
I also think that if I could go back, I would tell younger Alex: Your definition of being a ‘good friend’ changes.
A good friend in middle school and high school is somebody with whom you spend lunch. You’re doing after-school activities with. You know each other’s families. You’re making silly mistakes. You have each other’s back.
In college, a good friend is somebody who’s really encouraging you to change and grow and go after your goals.
I think as an adult, being a good friend. Honestly, it’s probably the same. Being someone who wants you to change, grow, and go after your goals.
Somebody you can have deeper conversations with. But also have fun with.
Just Feel It
And so I guess I’d go back and tell younger Alex: Instead of really trying to figure out what the definition of a good friend is, just FEEL it.
Because it’s going to change over time.
What I’ve Learned: Part 3: Friendship Transitions
Which brings me to what I’ve learned about friendship transitions.
Man, have there been so many friendship transitions.
I don’t think younger Alex could even comprehend all the friendship transitions I’ve had.
There have been natural endings. Friendships I’ve outgrown. Friendships that have fallen into that historic past-friendship category and lingered as a very simple friendship.
I never would have imagined that in the past.
Friendships Always Change
I think if I could go back and tell younger Alex anything, it’s that friendships are always going to change. And not always for the better.
I would tell her: There’s no way to control your friendships.
The Effort Trap
I definitely think I would tell her that younger Alex really (again, that worth piece) used to try and think:
If I was the best friend, the greatest friend, the friend who would bend over backwards and do this and do that and show up always…
If I could effort my way into my friendships, that was my way to control them. To stay the same.
Because how could they ever move on?
The Reality Check
Now, simultaneously, I wanted my friends to grow and change. I would be so outwardly excited for them.
But my way of hoping there was no change was just to go over the top all the time.
And reality check: That didn’t change anything in the moments where the transitions happened.
People moved. People had career changes. People had life transitions.
Everyone’s on their own path. And no amount of effort I put in can keep my friendships the same.
Stop Exhausting Yourself
So instead of killing myself and bending over backwards and ignoring my own needs, I would tell her:
Just do what feels right and stop exhausting yourself all the time.
Pick an amount and allow it to be enough.
Basically, I’d also probably tell her: “You are enough.”
But that’s a whole other episode.
Outgrowing Isn’t What You Think
You know, I’d tell younger Alex: You’re going to outgrow friendships.
But I don’t think I’ve outgrown them the way I thought I would.
I think the societal conversation is: When you outgrow a friendship, you just never see that person again. And you’re some “level-up.”
That’s not how I’ve experienced outgrowing friendships.
What It Actually Looks Like
The way I’ve experienced it: You still may see this person.
But the reasons you get together feel weaker.
And then when you ARE together, you’re struggling to make conversation.
And a lot of the conversation ends up revolving around your past. Because you really aren’t in the present together.
And even if you tried to talk about the present, it just doesn’t align anymore.
Because maybe I’ve changed in the way that we used to connect.
It’s More Subtle Than You Think
That’s the other thing I would say: It’s not always that one person has outgrown the friendship overall.
Like: “I am in my entirety a leveled-up person compared to somebody.”
That sounds silly even to say. But it’s not that.
I think sometimes… let’s say we used to connect about work, for example.
And this other person has been too scared to go after a promotion or a job change. They’ve really stayed stagnant.
And no matter how much I’ve encouraged them, they won’t do it. They don’t want to yet.
I’ve taken all these risks and done all these things.
And so it’s hard. Because they’re frustrated that I’m making these changes, and they’re still stuck where they are.
And so when we get together, it’s almost like that one area where we really connected doesn’t feel like a place we want to talk about anymore.
We don’t want to talk about work.
So again, I would tell her: The way that you outgrow friendships can be way more subtle than I ever thought.
Friendship transitions are one of the hardest parts of growing up. Tune into the complete episode for what I’ve learned about outgrowing friendships and surviving big life changes.
Surviving Major Life Changes
And as far as surviving major life changes. Man, so many.
I would tell younger Alex that sometimes you might go YEARS without talking to a friend.
Like, I will never forget one of my closest high school friends: When we went off to college, we just really didn’t talk for like two years.
We’ve reconnected. We’ve had periods when we talk a ton and others when we talk less.
And that’s just naturally ebbed and flowed.
But I really panicked about that in college.
It Takes Two
I also think that surviving a big life change (like a friendship that endures) has so much to do with how willing BOTH people are to do the work and try new things.
Which takes me back to what I said originally in the episode: I would tell her to pay more attention to whether that friend cares as deeply about their friendship.
In their overall life priorities, their values: do they see friendships, community, and connection as valuable?
Final Advice I’d Give My Younger Self
Which brings me to the advice I would give my younger self.
If I could sit down, what would I say?
1. Keep Following Your Gut
Number one: I would say, keep following your gut.
If you are interested in somebody as a connection, hang out with them.
It doesn’t need to turn into some big, crazy, all-consuming true friendship.
It could just be a fun connection you look back on.
I think I did a good job of that.
But I would also tell myself again: Pay attention to how much I think people value these connections in their lives. Or if they see them as just disposable.
And that’s mainly to protect myself.
2. You Are Worthy
I would tell my younger self that I am worthy of these connections.
I don’t need to bend over backwards. I don’t need to give up all my own needs.
I think some of you listening could probably hear that: You are worthy of the friendships, community, and connection in your life, just as you are, without being the giver all the time.
3. There’s Gonna Be Heartbreak
And I would go back and tell younger Alex: There’s gonna be heartbreak. It’s gonna hurt.
There have been many times when I really thought I had built this community that would be forever.
And then some life transition outside of my control (in my friends’ lives) happened.
And it completely shook everything up for me.
And you’re gonna be okay.
That’s just how it goes.
You’ve got to feel the heartbreak as much as you feel how much you love all these people.
4. The Communication Work Is Worth It
And the final thing I would tell her, truly, is: All the work she’s going to do on how to communicate better and kinder with her friends is worth it.
Guys, I had a tongue. Could not control my temper sometimes.
And I’ve worked really hard on that.
I think I deliver news, feedback, frustration, or my emotions way better (WAY better) than I did when I was younger.
And all the work that I put into that? So worth it.
So whatever you’re working on might take time.
But if it’s something you’re seeing as a pattern in your friendships, it’s probably worth putting the effort into it.
What Would YOU Tell Your Younger Self?
So I don’t know. What would YOU tell your younger self?
Maybe this is a great moment to reflect on how you’ve grown and changed as a friend. And the work that you’ve put in.
Because if you’re listening to this podcast, then you probably value this in your life.
Sometimes, I think it’s easy to just brush aside our friendship journey. Because it’s just kind of happening, woven into our day.
It’s not like one relationship that we’re necessarily focused on and can reflect on.
Give Yourself a Pat on the Back
So instead, take a few moments and just give yourself a pat on the back for how far you’ve come.
Where you were back in the day versus where you are now.
With that, I’ll see you next week.
What would YOU tell your younger self about friendship? Drop it in the comments below.
If you’re on your own friendship journey, listen to the full episode here for honest reflections and practical wisdom you can apply right now.
