Yesterday, I was standing there staring at my phone.
Telling myself: Alex, today is the day you are going to stop the cycle you are in.
All I needed to do to stop the cycle? Respond to a text message from a very dear, close friend of mine.
That’s it. That’s all I needed to do.
The thing is: I had left that text message unanswered for 10 days.
I don’t even want to admit that to you. It is not a fact I am proud of.
Hence, the topic of today’s episode: The friendship guilt spiral.
We need to talk about it.
What Is the Friendship Guilt Spiral?
Here’s how it works:
Something happens. You don’t act the way you think you should act.
In this case, you don’t respond to the text message right away.
And then, because you don’t respond right away, it feels like a BIGGER response is needed.
Because now, the longer you go, you need to explain WHY you didn’t respond.
And then you feel bad: Is that reason good enough?
Whether or not your friend thinks it’s good enough (thank goodness I have pretty forgiving friends), you still feel bad.
Like: It was just a simple text message. Why couldn’t I just respond?
And then this whole thing keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
My 10-Day Text Spiral (In Painful Detail)
Let me tell you what happened.
When the text message came in, I did a few things wrong.
Mistake #1: I Opened It Mid-Task
I was in the middle of something. I should have waited.
Mistake #2: The Question Required Thought
The text was asking me a question. A totally fair question. A question I actually wanted to answer.
It was like: “Hey, we have these exciting things we’ve been talking about doing. What do you think?”
But I hadn’t really taken the time to do that thinking yet.
So I’m like: Oh, I don’t know. What DO I think? Can I make that work?
I didn’t respond right away because it wasn’t a quick answer.
(I’ve talked about this before on the podcast. Asking “how are you?” can feel overwhelming. It’s a big answer. Sometimes a simple question is an easier entry into conversation.)
Mistake #3: I Didn’t Respond At All
I didn’t respond because I didn’t have an answer.
And then I woke up every single day for 10 days knowing I needed to respond.
And just feeling worse and worse and worse.
Until finally, yesterday, I had to tell myself:
If I do ONE thing today, it has to be responding to that text message. Because I can’t keep carrying this guilt on my shoulders.
This is silly. This is just silly.
At this point, I could have just told this friend: “Hey, I haven’t thought about it yet.”
That’s what I should have done at the beginning.
I’m sure I’m not the only one out there experiencing this.
Three Ways You End Up in the Friendship Guilt Spiral
I think there are a few things that can lead us into this spiral.
I’m sure there are more than I’ll cover here. But these are the big three:
Type 1: Response Time Guilt
This is what happened with my 10-day text.
But here’s the thing: It’s not just this friend.
It’s everyone this month. My month has been wild and crazy.
I have DMs from some of you (listeners) that I’ve been needing to respond to for weeks.
And that’s just not my norm.
But I’m caught in a situation where every day I wake up feeling bad.
But I have these other things on my to-do list that feel so EMERGENT.
They’re so timely. I have to get them done. I feel behind. They’re work-related.
For you, it could be a personal emergency. It could be that you’re juggling too many balls: life responsibilities, friends, whatever.
Whatever your reason is: It’s not that you don’t WANT to respond.
It’s that other things keep getting in the way.
But the longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Ever been stuck in that spiral of guilt over a late text reply? You’re not alone. Listen to the full episode for all three types of friendship guilt spirals and how to break free.
Type 2: Special Occasion Fails
This is when you feel like (I’m not saying it IS, but what you FEEL like) is a special occasion fail.
For one reason or another, you’ve missed some sort of important milestone moment.
You couldn’t make it to their birthday. You were sick at their anniversary party. Their wedding. Their book launch event.
You’re missing what you feel like is a very important moment.
And what makes it worse: If it’s these really big moments, people are probably talking about them.
You see it on social media. You walk into your friend’s house, and there are thank-you cards from that event on another friend’s fridge.
Maybe you weren’t sick. Maybe there wasn’t another event. Maybe you just forgot.
Or maybe you meant to buy a gift and send it because you couldn’t go. And you didn’t.
My Epic Guilt Spiral (The Wedding Story)
I have a story about this one. And it’s bad. Really bad.
I had two friends who got married on the same day. The exact same day.
Friend #1: Told us about the date a year and a half before. As soon as they were engaged and picked their date, we had it in our calendar.
Michael was in the wedding party. We’d booked flights. Done all the things.
Friend #2: Maybe six months before her wedding (so a year goes by) announces her wedding date.
And it’s the same day.
And I’m already booked on a flight out of town.
I felt awful. Of course, I wanted to be at this other friend’s wedding.
I wanted to be at BOTH weddings. Very, very, very badly.
The Elaborate Makeup Plan
So I told myself: Because I can’t make it, I’m going to plan this big, elaborate way to celebrate my friend’s wedding.
Here’s what I decided:
I’m going to book a couple of hotel rooms at a really nice resort locally. We’ll pay for their room. We’ll take them to dinner.
We can hang out. Hear all about their wedding. Have breakfast the next morning.
It mixes quality time with celebration. I thought they would really love this.
Why It Never Happened
But because I’d worked up this big, elaborate plan, it never worked into my schedule.
I just couldn’t find a weekend where it worked for both of us.
That kept happening for months and months and months.
At a certain point, I kind of stopped asking about it. Because it just wasn’t lining up.
And then I felt so guilty that I just kind of stopped texting overall.
The Context (That Didn’t Help)
Now, this friend and I have always kind of gone through periods where we talk all the time, then we have a break in communication.
It’s been this way for the entirety of our 20-year friendship.
So this wasn’t abnormal.
But the thing is: I thought the reason she hadn’t responded to my texts was because I had messed up celebrating her wedding so badly.
That’s what I told myself.
So I didn’t want to reach out because I felt so guilty.
A Year. A Whole Year.
It was a year before she called me.
On a random Sunday.
I will never forget it.
I was reading a book at the beach. Her phone number showed up.
And I panicked.
Because I wanted to talk to her. But I felt so guilty.
So I grabbed up my beach blanket and my book and ran to my car because I wanted a quiet place to have this conversation.
I answered.
And I will never forget this:
She immediately said, “I’m so sorry.”
I said: “What are YOU sorry for? I’M sorry.”
The Truth (That Neither of Us Knew)
It turns out she’d had a bunch of family stuff going on.
One thing after another after another.
She was too overwhelmed. She didn’t feel like she could even explain it.
She was just so in the emergency.
And I had been sitting on my guilt.
So she felt guilty that she didn’t have capacity to reach out when I’d been texting her.
And I felt guilty because I thought I hadn’t made it to her milestone event.
A year.
A YEAR that we both sat with that guilt.
I can’t tell you how many times I woke up thinking about her.
Thinking about how I messed this up. How long have we been friends.
There was no big, catastrophic reason for this friendship to end.
I didn’t think either of us wanted it to end. I totally thought this was repairable.
I spent a year carrying that guilt.
Type 3: “Not Enough” Perfectionism
The third way we get caught in the guilt spiral: The idea of “not enough.”
I talk about this all the time.
If you’re comparing yourself to other friends, to other people, to your own friends…
If you have some vision of being this perfect version of a friend (what that means, what that looks like), you gotta let that go.
Gotta let that go.
What “Perfect Friend” Looks Like (Spoiler: It’s Impossible)
I know from personal experience:
Sure, there might be some glimmer moments where you can show up in that way. Where you can maintain that.
I would love to text my friends back and forth daily.
I would love to remember every milestone perfectly.
I would love to be able to make it to everything.
I’d love to be able to throw parties to celebrate big milestones and always have the capacity to work that in.
There are a million things I would love to do.
But I can’t. And you can’t.
And there are moments where I really do feel like: Wow, I really showed up as a great friend there.
But they’re few and far between.
And although I try to appreciate those moments, holding yourself to some standard where you can sustain that. That idea of whatever you think is the peak of being a friend, that “perfect friend”…
Nothing we do in life sustains the peak forever.
The Athlete Analogy
There are highs. There are lows.
Think about it like an athlete.
They train for (the Super Bowl is coming up) they train for the Super Bowl. That is their peak.
You want to peak there.
And then they taper. They take a break. They rest. They recoup.
And then they build it back up again for a new season.
Nothing maintains its peak all the time.
Want to hear why the “perfect friend” standard is actually impossible? Tune into the complete episode for the athlete analogy that puts it all in perspective.
The “Solution” (Spoiler: There Isn’t Really One)
If you came to this episode thinking: Alex, tell me how to END the friendship guilt spiral…
I hate to break it to you, but I don’t really have a solution.
The answer here, I think, is to accept that this exists.
To see it for what it is.
It’s Not You
It’s not that you’re bad or forgetful or terrible.
Life is happening in a variety of ways around us.
We have a lot of things calling for our attention.
And we’re all just trying our best.
We’re all human.
So if we can see it for what it is and depersonalize it a little bit, I think that’s really helpful.
That’s your permission slip to try and do that next time you get caught in this.
That’s what I try to do.
Your Friend Probably Gets It
The other thing I’d say: Your friend probably gets it.
You’re not alone in experiencing this.
I’m sure they’ve experienced it.
And maybe (if we can start using this term) sometimes it’s easier to have a label for it.
Maybe if you make this a common term in your friendships…
On those times where you DO get caught up for 10 days, maybe you can just say what it is:
“Hey, I got caught in the friendship guilt spiral.”
What I Actually Said (After 10 Days)
In my case, with this friend who went 10 days, I ended up just saying the truth:
“Hey, I have been working on this one random, all-consuming work project. I’ve been working 14-16-hour days nonstop. So I just haven’t had the time to think about the answer to that. And it really caught me up. That’s why I didn’t respond. Here’s my response.”
One Practical Tip (That I Need to Hear)
If I had to give myself one practical tip (because I need to hear it, so I’m going to say it out loud so we can all hear it): it’s to just start small.
Don’t feel like… If I could go back 10 days, I would read that text message.
And instead of letting the overwhelm of needing some perfect response (or to tell this friend “I’ve thought this all through” when I haven’t), what I should have done:
My response should have been: “Hey, I really haven’t thought about that at all. But I will try in the next week.”
And then we could have gone back to chatting about all the other things that were lovely and carefree and easy in that text message.
Start Small Next Time
So the next time you’re in a friendship guilt spiral, remember:
You are not alone.
We’re all human.
Your friend probably gets it.
And just try to take one small action to stop the spiral.
You don’t need the perfect response. You just need A response.
Even if that response is: “I haven’t thought about this yet.”
What I Want You to Take Away
If you’re in a friendship guilt spiral right now (whether it’s been 10 days or 10 months or a year), here’s what I want you to know:
1. You’re Not Alone
Everyone has experienced this. Everyone.
Your friend has probably experienced it. I’ve experienced it. We’re all experiencing it.
2. It’s Not Because You’re a Bad Friend
It’s because you’re human.
Life is happening. Things are calling for your attention. You’re doing your best.
3. Your Friend Probably Gets It
They’ve probably been there too.
And if they haven’t, they will be at some point.
4. You Don’t Need a Perfect Response
You don’t need to explain everything perfectly.
You don’t need to make up for lost time with some grand gesture.
You just need to respond. In any small way.
5. Start Small
“I haven’t thought about that yet.”
“I’ve been meaning to respond.”
“I got caught in the friendship guilt spiral.”
Just say something. Anything.
And then go back to being friends.
My Challenge to You
If you’re in a friendship guilt spiral right now, today is the day you stop it.
Pick one person. One text. One message.
And respond. Right now.
You don’t need to explain everything. You don’t need to apologize profusely.
You just need to say something.
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about you.”
“Sorry for the delay. Life has been wild.”
“I got caught in the friendship guilt spiral, and I’m breaking out of it now.”
Whatever feels true. Just say it.
And then watch how much lighter you feel.
One More Thing
If you’re on the other side of this (if you’re the friend who hasn’t heard back), please know:
It’s probably not about you.
They’re probably in the spiral.
And the longer it goes, the harder it gets for them to reach out.
So if you can, reach out to them.
Send a message. Make a call.
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about you. How are you?”
No pressure. No guilt.
Just: I’m here. I’m thinking of you.
That phone call I got from my friend after a year? That changed everything.
Not because she said anything profound. But because she reached out.
She broke the spiral for both of us.
You can do that for someone too.
Know someone who’s been MIA? Send them this episode. Not as a guilt trip. Just as a: “Hey, I get it. Life happens. I’m here when you’re ready.”
Want to normalize this in your friendships? Start using the term “friendship guilt spiral” with your friends. Make it a thing you can name and laugh about instead of carrying in silence.
If you’re in a friendship guilt spiral right now, listen to the full episode here for the permission and practical tips you need to break the cycle.
