Emily Rogers was lying on the floor of her New Zealand apartment, staring at the ceiling.
She’d just gotten off the phone with an old friend – someone she’d known for years. And instead of feeling energized or connected, she felt… depleted. Drained. Like she needed to physically shake something off.
Her flatmate walked in and found her there.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I just got off the phone with…”
Her flatmate cut her off. “You know, you can spring clean your friends.”
Spring clean your friends.
That phrase stuck with Emily. Not because it meant ruthlessly cutting people out of her life, but because it perfectly captured something she hadn’t been able to name: Sometimes our friendships need reorganizing, not ending.
After 20+ years of living overseas, navigating constant moves and transitions, Emily (now a transition and leadership coach) has learned something most of us resist: Every time our life shifts, our friendships need to realign.
Not disappear. Not end. Not fail.
Just… adjust.
And if we don’t actively do that realigning? We end up either exhausted from trying to force old patterns to work in new circumstances or we let friendships fade away that could have actually thrived in a different form.
What “Spring Cleaning” Your Friendships Actually Means
Let’s be really clear about what we’re talking about here, because I think a lot of people hear “spring clean your friends” and immediately think: Oh great, another person telling me to cut toxic people out of my life.
That’s not what this is.
When you spring clean your house, you don’t throw everything away, right? You:
- ▪️ Rearrange things to fit your current needs
- ▪️ Move items to different rooms where they make more sense now
- ▪️ Let go of things that truly no longer serve you
- ▪️ Rediscover things you forgot you had and loved
Spring cleaning your friendships works the same way.
Sometimes you need to let go of a connection completely. Absolutely. We’ll talk about when that’s necessary.
But more often? You just need to rearrange how that friendship fits into your life right now.
Maybe you:
- ▪️ Change the way you spend time together
- ▪️ Adjust your expectations about what this friendship provides
- ▪️ Shift the dynamic (from one-on-one to group settings, or vice versa)
- ▪️ Find new activities that work better for this season of life
- ▪️ Let go of old patterns that don’t fit anymore
The friendship isn’t wrong. The way you’ve been approaching it just doesn’t work for who you both are now.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
Here’s what Emily told me that really stopped me in my tracks:
“We’re constantly changing. We’re constantly shifting. And when something shifts, you need to realign.”
Think about your car. When your wheels get out of alignment, you don’t get a new car. You get them realigned. It fixes everything.
Same with friendships.
Every life transition – and I mean EVERY one – requires realignment:
- ▪️ Moving (obviously)
- ▪️ New job or career change
- ▪️ Getting into a relationship
- ▪️ Getting out of a relationship
- ▪️ Having a baby
- ▪️ Kids starting school
- ▪️ Becoming an empty nester
- ▪️ Health crisis
- ▪️ Grief and loss
- ▪️ Leaving a faith community
- ▪️ Burnout
- ▪️ Retirement
And here’s the thing: We’re all going through multiple transitions every single year.
Small ones, big ones, expected ones, blindsiding ones.
Each one shifts who we are slightly. And when we shift, our friendships need to shift too.
But most of us? We just keep trying to force the old patterns to work. We get frustrated when they don’t. We feel guilty. We assume something’s wrong with us or with the friendship.
When really, we just need to realign.
The “Getting Slimed” Test: How to Know When Something’s Off
So how do you know when a friendship needs spring cleaning?
Emily has the best line for this (credit to her mom): “You’re getting slimed.“
Here’s what that looks like:
You spend time with someone – maybe in person, maybe on the phone – and when you walk away, you feel this weight on you. You feel drained. Depleted. Like you need to physically shake something off or mentally distance yourself from what just happened.
Emily gave me a perfect example: she moved to Chongqing, China (the world’s biggest city nobody’s heard of, she says). She started a weekly exploration group where they’d meet on Wednesday mornings after school drop-off and explore different parts of the city.
There was one person in the group who was just… relentlessly negative. About where they were living. About the people. About everything.
And Emily couldn’t just cut her out. It was a small expat community. They were going to see each other constantly.
So instead of ending the friendship, she spring cleaned it.
She made sure they were never one-on-one. She kept interactions to the group setting, where the activity (exploring the city) created a buffer. She didn’t invest energy in deepening that particular connection.
The friendship didn’t end. It just got rearranged into a form that worked.
Here are other signs you might be getting slimed:
- ▪️ Someone suggests getting together, and your immediate internal response is “ugh, do I have to?”
- ▪️ You leave conversations feeling worse about yourself or your life
- ▪️ They’re constantly negative about their own circumstances
- ▪️ Their values don’t align with yours in ways that create friction
- ▪️ You feel like you’re performing or monitoring yourself the whole time you’re together
- ▪️ You dread their texts or calls
If any of this resonates, it doesn’t necessarily mean you need to end the friendship. It might just mean you need to adjust how it works.
When You Can’t (Or Don’t Want To) Cut Someone Out
This is where spring cleaning gets really practical.
Because the truth is, there are a LOT of situations where cutting someone out entirely isn’t realistic or even desirable:
- ▪️ Your partner’s best friend’s spouse
- ▪️ Someone in your small community (work, neighborhood, etc.)
- ▪️ A person in an established friend group you value
- ▪️ Family connections
- ▪️ Someone you generally like but who drains you in specific contexts
So what do you do instead?
Strategy #1: Change the Dynamic
Emily’s advice: If one-on-one time feels draining, don’t do one-on-one.
Stay in group settings where:
- ▪️ Other people can buffer the energy
- ▪️ The group culture can set better boundaries
- ▪️ You’re not solely responsible for the conversation
- ▪️ Activities provide natural topics and breaks
Or flip it – if group settings feel performative or exhausting with someone, suggest one-on-one time instead.
I had this exact experience recently. There’s someone in one of my community groups who just… doesn’t show up the way I wish they would. They don’t ask questions. They don’t seem particularly interested in anyone’s life beyond surface level.
And I kept getting frustrated about it. Wishing they were different. Feeling let down.
Until I realized I could just spring-clean my expectations.
I let go of the belief that they would be the person who wanted to know all the details of my life. I accepted that they’re someone I enjoy existing in this community space with, and that’s enough.
The friendship didn’t end. My frustration did.
Strategy #2: Add People to the Mix
This one is BRILLIANT for situations like your partner’s friends.
Let’s say your partner’s best friend is married to someone who just… drains you. Every time you hang out as couples, you end up stuck in conversation with them and you leave feeling slimed.
You can’t exactly say, “Hey, honey, I never want to see your best friend again because I can’t stand their spouse.”
But you CAN say: “When we hang out with them, can we make sure there’s another couple there too?”
Suddenly, you’re not stuck one-on-one. The dynamic shifts. The energy spreads out.
Problem solved without ending anything.
Strategy #3: Change the Activity
Here’s something Emily said that really struck me:
“Sometimes we meet people and think ‘oh, we have a great connection, we should catch up!’ And then when you do catch up one-on-one, it can be a really ordinary experience.”
“The mistake a lot of us make is to go for lunch or coffee, which puts a lot of pressure on face-to-face, eye-to-eye conversation. Not everybody is okay with that.”
So instead:
- ▪️ Suggest a walk where you’re side-by-side, not staring at each other
- ▪️ Go to a museum or gallery where you’re talking about what’s around you
- ▪️ Do an activity (bowling, mini golf, cooking class) where there are natural conversation breaks
- ▪️ Meet at a park with kids where the chaos provides a distraction
Sometimes it’s not the person that’s wrong for you – it’s just the setting.
I can think of so many friendships where this has been true. People I absolutely love spending time with… as long as we’re doing something active. Sitting across from each other at a restaurant for two hours? Painful. But hiking together or trying a new fitness class? Perfect.
That doesn’t mean the friendship is flawed. It just means we need to spring clean how we spend time together.
Strategy #4: Set the Group Culture
This one requires a bit more courage, but it’s SO powerful.
Let’s say you’re in a friend group and there’s someone who’s kind of a bully. They make snide comments. They put people down. They create uncomfortable moments.
You have two choices:
Option 1: Distance yourself from the whole group because of this one person.
Option 2: Use the power of the group to set boundaries.
Here’s a specific example: You’re all out to dinner. One friend has a big financial goal – they’re saving for a house. They order the cheapest thing on the menu, and when the bill comes, they ask to pay separately.
And someone at the table makes a big deal about it. “Oh, come on, just split it evenly. Don’t be cheap.”
You could sit there silently, feeling uncomfortable, making a mental note to distance yourself from the bully.
OR you could say: “Hey, we’re all here because we want to support each other’s goals, right? [Friend] is working toward something really important. We should be celebrating that, not making it harder.”
That’s using group culture to de-slime everyone.
I’ve done this multiple times in different friend groups. And you know what happens? Other people are SO RELIEVED. They were thinking the same thing, but didn’t have the courage to say it.
And suddenly, the bully either adjusts their behavior or realizes this group isn’t going to tolerate that energy.
You’re not cutting anyone out. You’re just setting the tone for what’s acceptable.
When You Actually Should Let Go
Okay, so we’ve talked a lot about adjusting and rearranging. But let’s be real: Sometimes you do need to completely let go of a friendship.
Emily was clear about this: There are absolutely times when you should not foster a relationship in any way, shape, or form.
When someone is:
- ▪️ Actively harmful to you or others
- ▪️ Degrading people consistently
- ▪️ Violating your boundaries repeatedly after you’ve addressed it
- ▪️ Creating an unsafe space
In those cases? You don’t owe them your energy. You don’t need to find creative ways to make it work.
You can just… stop. Stop responding to messages. Stop extending invitations. Create distance.
And honestly, if someone is that extreme, they probably won’t even notice you’re pulling away. As Emily put it: “They’re so wrapped up in their own world, their ego is so inflated, they’re probably not going to notice anyway.”
But here’s the thing: Those situations are actually pretty rare.
Most of the time when a friendship feels off, it’s not because someone’s terrible. It’s just because:
- ▪️ Your values don’t align on certain things
- ▪️ The way they want to spend time doesn’t work for you
- ▪️ Your life circumstances have shifted
- ▪️ The energy just feels wrong in specific contexts
And those situations? Those are the ones where spring cleaning – not throwing out – makes all the difference.
In the full episode, Emily and I go deeper into how she learned to navigate these friendship shifts across multiple countries and life transitions. If you’ve ever felt guilty about a friendship that just doesn’t “fit” anymore, her perspective on spring cleaning vs. cutting people off might change how you see it. Listen to the full episode here.
The Friendship That Changed Everything
I want to share a personal example of this, because I think it perfectly illustrates what we’re talking about.
I have friends who moved away a few years ago. When they first left, we had this idea that we’d do regular FaceTime dates to stay connected.
And you know what? It just… didn’t work. The scheduled video calls felt forced. We’d try to catch up on everything at once, and it was exhausting. We kept missing calls because of time zones or life getting in the way.
I could have looked at that and thought: Well, I guess this friendship is over. Long distance doesn’t work for us.
Instead, we spring-cleaned how we stay connected.
Now we:
- ▪️ Use Marco Polo (voice messages) to share little moments throughout the week
- ▪️ Plan one in-person trip per year to meet up – sometimes at their place, sometimes at mine, sometimes in the middle
- ▪️ Text randomly when something reminds us of each other
- ▪️ Don’t put pressure on immediate responses
It’s not the friendship that was wrong. It was just that our old way of connecting didn’t work anymore.
And honestly? Our friendship might be deeper now because we found a way that actually fits our lives instead of trying to force something that didn’t.
Your Circle of Control: What You Can Actually Change
Emily kept coming back to this concept throughout our conversation, and I think it’s crucial:
You can only control your own thoughts, beliefs, values, and actions. That’s it. That’s your circle of control.
Everything else? Outside your control.
You can’t control:
- ▪️ How other people show up
- ▪️ Whether they change
- ▪️ Their values or priorities
- ▪️ How they respond to you
- ▪️ Whether they want to adjust the friendship
But you CAN control:
- ▪️ How much energy you invest
- ▪️ What settings you agree to
- ▪️ Your expectations
- ▪️ The boundaries you set
- ▪️ Whether you keep showing up or create distance
When you focus on what’s in your circle of control, you’re empowered. You have choices. You can make decisions.
And that’s where spring cleaning happens – in YOUR circle of control.
Three Things to Spring Clean (Besides the Whole Friendship)
If you’re realizing a friendship needs some realignment, here are three specific aspects you can examine:
1. The Ways You Spend Time Together
- ▪️ Are you always doing the same activity?
- ▪️ Is the setting right for both of you?
- ▪️ Would a different dynamic (group vs. one-on-one) work better?
- ▪️ Are you defaulting to what’s “supposed” to happen instead of what actually works?
Maybe you always go to restaurants, but one of you is on a tight budget or watching what you eat. Try hiking instead. Or meeting at each other’s houses.
Maybe you always hang out one-on-one, but it feels heavy. Invite other people sometimes.
Spring clean the activities and settings, not necessarily the person.
2. The Vulnerability and Topics You Share
This is about what you talk about and how deep you go.
Maybe you used to share everything with this friend, but now certain topics feel draining. You can create boundaries around what you discuss without ending the friendship.
I had a friend where talking about money always got weird. So I just… stopped bringing up anything money-related with them. Problem solved.
Or maybe you realize this friend is great for fun, surface-level hangouts, but not the person you want to process deep emotional stuff with. That’s okay! Not every friend needs to be everything.
Spring-clean the expectations for emotional depth and topics.
3. Your Beliefs and Expectations
This is the big one.
So often, we carry these unspoken expectations about what a friendship “should” look like:
- ▪️ We should talk every week
- ▪️ They should remember important dates
- ▪️ We should be able to discuss anything
- ▪️ They should initiate plans as much as I do
But where did those expectations come from? Are they actually realistic for this friendship in this season?
I mentioned earlier that I had to spring clean my expectations in one of my community groups. Once I let go of the belief that everyone needed to show up with deep curiosity about my life, the frustration disappeared.
The friendship improved because I adjusted my expectations of it.
Spring clean your assumptions about what this friendship needs to be.
Permission to Realign Without Guilt
Here’s what I want you to take away from this more than anything:
It’s okay that your friendships need to shift when your life shifts. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong.
You’re not doing anything wrong by realizing:
- ▪️ The weekly coffee dates don’t work anymore now that you have a baby
- ▪️ The friend group dynamic has changed, and you need to adjust
- ▪️ Someone who used to energize you now drains you
- ▪️ The way you used to stay connected doesn’t fit your life anymore
Emily said something beautiful: “We are always changing. We are always shifting. We outgrow scenarios and what used to work. We just have to find a way to adapt.”
This is normal. This is part of having long-term friendships.
The question isn’t “should this friendship end?” The question is “how does this friendship need to evolve?”
Sometimes the answer is: it needs to end. And that’s okay, too.
But more often, the answer is: it needs to be rearranged. Adjusted. Spring cleaned.
Not thrown out. Just moved to a different place in your life where it actually fits.
Start Here: The Five-Minute Reflection
If you’re feeling inspired to do some spring cleaning of your own, here’s where to start:
Take five minutes – literally just five – and think about your friendships.
Not to make any big decisions. Not to take immediate action. Just to notice.
Ask yourself:
- ▪️ Who gives me good energy? Who doesn’t?
- ▪️ Who haven’t I connected with in a long time that I miss?
- ▪️ What friendships feel “off” right now?
- ▪️ Are there patterns I’m noticing? (Always feeling drained after seeing certain people, always dreading plans with someone specific, etc.)
That’s it. Just notice.
Because you can’t spring clean something you haven’t even looked at.
And once you start noticing, you can start making small adjustments:
- ▪️ Suggesting a walk instead of coffee
- ▪️ Inviting another couple along
- ▪️ Letting go of an expectation
- ▪️ Trying a different activity
- ▪️ Creating a small boundary
- ▪️ Reaching out to someone you’ve been thinking about
Not everything needs a dramatic overhaul. Sometimes you’re just rearranging, not throwing out.
And that’s the beauty of spring cleaning. You get to keep what matters while making room for it to work in your life as it is now, not as it used to be.
Emily and I cover so much more in the full episode, including the psychology behind why life transitions make friendships feel hard, the unique friendship challenges expats face (and how they apply to everyone), and even more creative spring cleaning strategies you can use right now. If you’re in a season of change and your friendships feel out of sync, this one is for you. Listen to the complete episode here.
