I was asked this question on a podcast recently.
The host said: “When you’re with your friends, do you spend a lot of time focused on what you don’t have? Do you ever find yourself sad about what you’re missing?”
And I know the answer she was going for. Or maybe thought I would give.
Which is: Yes.
But I paused.
We all know I love a long pause.
The Photo
And I stared off to the side of my screen. Probably making her wonder what the heck I was looking at.
But I have this photo.
So many people in my friend-family from a recent wedding we went to.
It’s printed. It’s a printed photo. It’s up on the side of my desk.
Now, not everyone’s in this photo. We’re missing some people.
But it’s a large group of us.
One… two… twenty. There are 20 of us in that photo.
I’m just staring at that photo.
And I turned, and I looked at her, and I said: No.
Because I’m just so darn grateful for what I do have, when I am there I’m almost never sad.
The Caveat
Now, sure. In some of my deep therapeutic days, there was a little sadness.
Which is why I’m not saying 100%.
But that was few and far between.
And that’s not to say I don’t get sad about what I don’t have every once in a while.
Again, at this point, very few and far between.
But it’s pretty rare now.
What She Was Really Asking
Her question (the interview you can listen to in a few weeks) was related to family.
Like: When I have built myself this friend-family and I’m with them, am I ever sad because of the family-of-origin situation I don’t have?
But I think this could apply to anyone.
The Realization
Because, as I started thinking about it, I realized something that I think a lot of us could work on:
Enjoying our friendships.
So I’m going to ask you. And I’m going to pause for a second so you can think about it.
Are you enjoying your friendships?
What do you think?
Are you looking for the good in your friendships?
Are you soaking in the moment? Are you enjoying their company?
Are you present?
How I Experience It
Because I know that I truly allow myself to enjoy the connections I have built when I’m with them.
But honestly, also when I’m without them.
Like in this moment where I got so caught up looking at this photo of my friends that I actually kind of forgot I was recording a podcast.
As I was counting the fact that there are 20 people in this photo, in my head, I was just like:
Wow. That is crazy. In the best way possible.
I am delighted by that.
And I want you to have that too.
It Doesn’t Have to Be Big
On whatever level. It doesn’t have to be 20 people in a photo.
It could just be one friendship feeling so supportive.
Or one friendship feels so fun. Or new but promising.
It could be that simple little connection at your neighborhood coffee shop that always brings a smile to your face.
Do you ever just delight in that for a second?
Maybe it’s walking into your place of business. Your job. (So formal, Alex.)
Or your kid’s school. Community center. Place of worship.
And feeling so at ease.
Do you ever just delight in that for a second?
Or Maybe It’s Your Family
And for you, it might be your family. I love that.
For you, it might be that you drive up to your parents’ house.
You’re in the car, and you feel that sigh of relief.
Like: Wow. I am home. I can take a deep breath here.
Does that ever just make you break out into the biggest smile ever?
Because it should. It’s a really beautiful thing.
The Stark Contrast
There is a stark contrast between having friends and enjoying your friends.
Or your community. Your connections. Your family.
So how do you tap into that genuine joy?
What We’ll Cover Today
Today, in this episode, I want to tell you:
- ▪️ What might be getting in the way of that enjoyment
- ▪️ Some ways you might learn to enjoy your friendships
And yes, I said learn. Because this is a process.
It’s not going to be a switch overnight.
And then we’ll close it out.
Quick Side Note
By the way, if you’re here and you’re a weekly listener, I just want to tell you: I promise guests are coming back.
Although funny enough, people love my solo episodes. So maybe you’ve been really enjoying this, and you’re sad that guests are coming back.
I don’t know.
But I promise it won’t just be me forever.
Okay. Let’s get out of that sidebar.
What Might Be Getting in the Way of Your Enjoyment
I broke this down into four categories.
Category 1: The Mental Chatter in Your Head
We all know how much I love to talk about the voices in your head.
But the mental chatter could be so many things.
It could be that while you’re with your friends, you are wondering: Am I too much? Am I worthy?
Maybe you’re asking yourself whether you’re a good friend.
You’re like: Oh wow, I haven’t reached out in six months.
And that’s just going to weigh on you this entire time.
You can’t seem to let go of the fact that you feel like you’re a bad friend because it’s been so long.
And it’s going to ruin the entire time you’re together.
Or maybe not ruin it. But dampen it a little bit.
Definitely not swing it towards that enjoyment end of the spectrum.
Other Examples
Maybe the mental chatter has to do with: Worrying if your friends are spending more time with other friends and less time with you.
Maybe you’ve ended up in some sort of spiral where you’re like: Do they really like me? Or am I just the extra invite? Am I just the easy friend to bring to this?
Or perhaps there’s some version of keeping score here.
Like: I’ve had to initiate every single time we’ve been together.
What It Really Is
Whatever it is, this mental chatter of comparing yourself (because that’s really what it is), comparing yourself to the friend you think you should be.
Or the version of you that is interesting enough to be friends with.
Is that getting in your way?
The Two Tracks
Because if you’re so bogged down with: Do they really like me?
There is no space (or very, very little space) to have those moments of:
Wow. I really love spending time with this person. I love who I am when I’m with this person. We have so much fun together.
There’s not a lot of space for those thoughts when you’re spiraling about:
Do they really like me? Am I just the extra invite? Was I just the easiest person to bring to this? Do I just always say yes and bend over backwards? Is that why they brought me?
Do you see? Those are two very different internal play tracks going on.
Which one are you on?
Category 2: Anxiety About the Future
The second way we might be getting in the way of our own enjoyment: Anxiety about the future.
If you get together and you are so focused on this fear of losing this friendship…
Whether that’s just because of your mental chatter (you’re so focused on being a bad friend)…
But it might also be worrying that a big life change is going to happen.
They’re going to move away. Change careers. Find a partner. Whatever they’re going to do.
And it’s going to change your friendship.
And you’re just so worried because you’re grasping onto this current version so tightly.
Or: Not Trusting
Or perhaps there’s some anxiety about just not trusting in general.
You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This friendship has felt so easy and so natural.
You’ve never maybe had a friendship that felt that way.
And so you’re going into every hangout with this friend, so worried that the other shoe will drop.
And it’ll be just like every other friendship.
But you don’t know when that’s going to happen.
Is it today? Tomorrow?
You don’t want to let yourself enjoy it. What if it all goes away?
Or: Don’t Want to Get Too Attached
Maybe it’s the opposite end.
Maybe you don’t want to get too attached.
You’ve done that before in the past. Or you haven’t done that before.
This is the first time you’ve ever felt this much ease with a friendship.
And you’re worried it’s just too easy.
Storing Up Connection
And then one I hear about, actually a decent amount: This idea of trying to store up connections for later.
I think this especially happens when we end up in those friendships where we have our really close people.
Maybe they’ve turned into historic friends. But they’re some of our most important friends.
And you already have that anticipatory anxiety.
Like you know, you have two days together for probably the next two years, maybe.
And you’re just so anxious about how you only have two days, and you have to make the most of it.
An Example
That if (let’s say you don’t spend all of it talking).
If you spend an hour or two of it separate (going on a walk, trying to recharge, for some introverts out there)…
That might actually be better for a weekend-long hangout.
And leave you more fulfilled than trying to force your way through 48 hours straight of time together.
It’s going to be different for everyone.
I’m just trying to show an example:
If you’re so worried about maximizing this time because you won’t get it again for so long, are you really enjoying it?
These mental chatter patterns are just one of the things keeping you from enjoying your friendships. Listen to the full episode to hear all four categories and practical steps to work through them.
Category 3: When Your Past Friendship Baggage Gets in the Way
This could be all sorts of things.
Old Friendship Wounds
It could be an old friendship wound.
Could be that one of your oldest friends. There was a big friend breakup.
And you know what led to the breakup?
Something really particular. About communication.
It was about not responding to things your friend felt like you should respond to quickly enough.
And so maybe you can’t enjoy it because you’re always so panicked when you aren’t responding fast enough.
Or maybe it’s initiating.
Maybe the feedback from the friend breakup was that your friend felt like they were always initiating.
And so now you are so panicked because you like this friendship and you want to make sure you are always one-to-one initiating.
Even if you really don’t have the capacity for that right now.
Are you really enjoying the fact that your friend wants to reach out to you?
Comparing to Past Friends
Now, that was a really specific example of a friendship wound.
But another way you could be leaning into that past friendship baggage:
Just comparing your current friends to your past ones.
Maybe your current present friend: some neighbor you’ve gotten to know really well over the past few years (I think that’s a common one for a lot of people).
You keep comparing it to your closest friend from college.
You’re just like: Wow, they don’t feel the same. This is my closest friend, but they don’t feel the same.
And if you’re always comparing two very different life circumstances…
College to (let’s say) balancing a career and caregiving responsibilities and paying bills and doing all these things…
Versus just the carefree life in college.
Those friendships are going to feel very different. You can’t compare them.
Always Waiting to Be Disappointed
Maybe you’ve had a rough go in your friendships.
And you’re just always waiting to be disappointed.
And this is a big one.
If you’re walking into every friend interaction looking for the places that are going to let you down…
Whatever you look for will appear. It’s going to stand out.
The Cognitive Bias
There’s actually a cognitive bias. I can’t think of the name right now, but I’m going to look it up right after this.
But basically: If you decide you’re going to buy a specific brand of car, you’re going to see that car everywhere.
Because what you’re looking for stands out more. What you’re aware of.
So if you’re just waiting to be disappointed, that is absolutely going to get in the way of you enjoying your friendships.
Category 4: Present Distractions
My fourth and final way you might be ruining your enjoyment: Present distractions.
Part of this is being present in your friendships. Especially in the moment.
I think that me standing here looking at this photo of my friends and being delighted has so much to do with maybe those first three.
But in the moment, when I am with them…
If I am constantly checking my phone or feeling like I need to post every single moment of this…
Or not even post it. Maybe just take photos of everything.
Because: Oh my gosh, we’re not going to get this again for so long, so I need to take a million photos.
If that is your focus (capturing it), are you really enjoying it?
Planning the Next Hangout
Another present distraction could be: Planning the next hangout while you’re in this one.
What I mean by that:
If the moment you get off the plane, you’re like: We need to do this again soon.
And it just keeps coming up.
Can we make this happen again soon? What if we could do this once a year?
If every single thing you’re doing, you’re already focused on doing it again, you’re not present.
What I Don’t Mean
Now, what I don’t mean by that:
I do think you can say: maybe at the beginning, sometimes, and at the end of (let’s say) the weekend together:
“Hey, I love doing this. I’d love to make it a more regular thing.”
Or: “Do you think we could actually get a date on the calendar for next year?”
That is so different than every single thing you’re doing, bringing it up, and being focused on it.
That’s the future anxiety showing up again.
Multitasking
Another one would be multitasking during friend time.
Which could definitely be the phone checking and the documentation.
But it also could just be…
A great example: The number of times I have had a friend (many friends, there have been many friends, because I work for myself) who will say:
“Oh, let’s have a work date.”
And sometimes that works.
But what happens more often than not (especially if we haven’t seen each other in a while) is that we get together and bring our laptops…
And we actually don’t work at all.
Because we actually just go into friend time. Because we want to spend time together.
I do think a work date can work if we see each other pretty regularly.
But if this is the one time I see this friend every six months…
I probably don’t want to be distracted by trying to chat with them and be like: “Oh sorry, I can’t talk for the next five minutes because I have to do this thing.”
That is not really me being present.
When You Have To
Sometimes it’s got to happen. But I’m not sure that’s leading to the most enjoyment of my friend time.
We got to do what we got to do.
I know that sounds (because I talk about integrating your friends into your life), we got to do what we got to do.
And I do think over time, you can find enjoyment in doing the daily life things with your friends.
But if you are not practicing the skill at all (if your skill level here is zero) it’s going to be really hard to multitask.
Now, it would be a great place to practice what I’m about to talk about.
Maybe you can find some moments in a challenging situation.
I love that for you. Give it a try.
Learning to actually enjoy your friendships is a skill you can practice. Tune into the complete episode for the step-by-step process of finding more joy in your connections.
How Do I Think You Learn to Find Enjoyment?
This is what I’m about to talk about.
Step 1: Give Yourself Permission
Number one: You just need to give yourself permission to enjoy your friends.
This can mean so many things.
It can mean:
- ▪️ Permission to put your phone down (this time with your friends is more important than work or documenting or whatever’s happening on that phone)
- ▪️ Permission to say: “I am enough.”
- ▪️ Permission to stop comparing yourself
- ▪️ Permission to say: “I am happy with the friendships and connections I have”
- ▪️ Permission to trust (especially if that past baggage)
Set Up Your Stop Signs
Whatever you got to say to yourself…
Sometimes we have to give ourselves boundaries, rules, and guideposts.
So when the mental chatter, the anxiety (when it starts popping up), you can just be like:
“You know what? I am enough. I am not listening to that anymore.”
“I trust that this friendship is good for me. I trust that I have what I need right now.”
This Is Background Work
So those are some kinds of background things you can do.
And I think you can do that all the time.
Part of it is just telling yourself different things than what your brain is currently telling you.
It’s putting up a stop and being like:
“No, no, no, no. We are not going down that spiral. We’re going to stop that right here.”
“And we’re just going to decide to believe that this friendship is easy. And that’s okay. We don’t need to make it more complicated than it is.”
Okay?
So if you’re like: “Alex, I’m not going to do that one.”
Give it a try.
Again, this is a practice.
Step 2: Take Practical Steps
The second thing is to take some practical steps.
Be Present for 5 Minutes
So one of those would be just really deciding with yourself:
“Hey, I’m going to (for five minutes) I’m going to be purely present.”
“I’m going to look for the good in this connection. In this moment. In this hangout.”
“I’m going to look for the fun and the enjoyment and the gratitude. That’s all I’m looking for.”
For five minutes, I’m going to try to find as many good things about this as I can.
And maybe next time it’s 10 minutes. 15 minutes.
Maybe it’s three five-minute chunks. I can build up to it.
Notice One Thing You Enjoy About Each Friend
Another practical step: Just start noticing one thing you enjoy about each friend.
I think this is especially helpful if you are in a group.
Or maybe you’re overwhelmed by the group.
Put your mental focus on finding one thing you enjoy about each friend.
Because if you don’t love a group setting, it could be really easy to just find the one thing you’re annoyed about.
How they keep interjecting. Or they keep doing this. Or they keep doing that.
Instead, spend the time trying to find one thing you enjoy about each friend.
Practice Receiving Connection
Another practical step: Practice receiving connection.
I know that sounds very esoteric and out there.
But it’s all about these little moments of appreciation.
Now this one could go for your big present friendships.
But I’m actually going to talk about it for a community connection.
The Coffee Shop Example
I’ve mentioned the person at the local coffee shop who just always smiles at you.
That is you receiving connection.
Can you receive it?
Can you stand there and look at this person who is always smiling at you, warmly greeting you, and asking you how your day is looking?
And can you just pause for a second and smile back and be like:
“Wow. I love that every day I start my day with a smile because this person brings a smile.”
Can you give them a thoughtful answer instead of just being like: “Yeah, my day’s good”?
Can you actually respond the way you would respond to maybe a closer friend?
I don’t mean dump your whole life story out.
But could you say something truthful?
Like: “Wow, I’m really juggling a lot of things at the moment. But I have high hopes for today.”
Bigger Scale Receiving
Now you can receive on a much bigger scale.
It could be receiving help. Could be receiving a message.
Maybe somebody’s checking in with you. Receiving initiation.
It’s all about noticing and then responding.
Taking the time to actually respond in the way you want to respond. Not just something quick.
An Example
A friend texts you:
“Hey, I really want to plan a time for us to get together and go try something new.”
Or maybe they give you something specific:
“Hey, let’s go check out this museum.”
Instead of just saying: “Yeah. Period. Let’s do it.” Send. Moving back onto your task…
Can you send a little bit fuller message?
Can you say:
“Hey, that sounds like so much fun. I don’t know the last time we had a lot of fun trying something new. I really want to do that. Yes, I’ll put it on my calendar.”
Do you see the difference in receiving and reciprocating there?
The Core Shift
At the end of the day, so much of this is about appreciating what IS there instead of focusing on what ISN’T there.
Something I Should Have Said Earlier
We’re getting to the very end of the episode, and I’m having this moment where I’m realizing: There’s probably something I should have covered early on.
But I’m just going to say it here to close it out.
So many people are focusing on what is missing.
What will get this relationship, this friend group, or this community to some peak that you have in your head?
To the ideal version.
And I love that you have that vision and that ideal version. And I actually think that’s important.
But if you’re not there yet and you’re putting all your focus on what’s missing, you are not enjoying what IS there.
Why This Matters
And enjoying what is there is what is going to actually lead to you feeling fulfilled in your friendships.
It’s kind of like when they talk about money.
Like: If you became a billionaire but couldn’t appreciate what you have and always wanted more…
Not only did you not enjoy this entire process…
The Marathon Example
Maybe a billionaire was a bad example.
But whatever. A marathon.
If all you want to do is run a marathon and you don’t enjoy the fact that:
- ▪️ You went from somebody who couldn’t run a mile to somebody who can now run a 5K
- ▪️ You aren’t proud of yourself and enjoy the fact that you can run a 10K
- ▪️ You aren’t overjoyed and grateful for your body, and so proud of yourself for running a half-marathon
(I’ve done it. Well, I’ve kind of done it. I blew up my knee. So I understand how hard it is.)
But if you can’t appreciate and enjoy that, will it ever be enough?
What I Hope This Episode Does
So I hope this episode today has given you space to find enjoyment in your friendships.
To build this up as a practice.
To allow the small moments to matter.
Because at the end of the day, we all need to give ourselves permission to enjoy our connections.
Not just for ourselves. Yes, it makes me so happy.
But also: Because you enjoying your connections in a world where we’re taught connection might be scary…
It might be unsafe. The world is a big, bad, scary place. Everybody’s out to get everybody.
If more people enjoy, trust, and lean into their connections over time, maybe we can shift the tide.
With that, I’ll see you next week.
Want to practice enjoying your friendships? Try this: Next time you’re with a friend, set a timer for 5 minutes. For those 5 minutes, just look for the good. Notice what you enjoy. See what you’re grateful for. That’s it. Then try 10 minutes next time.
If you’ve been struggling to be present and enjoy your friendships, listen to the full episode here for the permission and practical tools you need to start finding enjoyment again.
