I’m going to tell you something very real and honest about me.
A few years ago, I had a breast cancer scare. I’m fine now. But in that moment, sitting in my car after getting the news that I needed a mammogram and ultrasound, I was absolutely terrified.
And here’s the part that matters: I couldn’t call my mom.
My mom passed away when I was 13. And my family of origin? They’re not the people I call in moments like this.
So I called my friend C. While she was getting a pedicure.
I was hysterically crying. The words tumbled out of my mouth in a panic: “I might have breast cancer and I don’t know what to do and I have to wait all this time and…”
By the end of that phone call, apparently, everyone in the nail salon was asking who I was and if I was okay.
This was not my most graceful moment. But it was one of the most important moments in understanding what chosen family actually means.
Because chosen family isn’t about finding ONE person who saves you from rock bottom. It’s not about having a “person” who shows up for absolutely everything.
It’s about building a WEB.
What Chosen Family Actually Means
Chosen family are the people who, through their words, their intentions, and their actions, CHOOSE you. And you choose them back.
This is an active relationship. You’re both making an active choice to show up for each other, work through the hard things, and consider each other’s best interests, feelings, and goals.
At the end of the day, chosen family are the people you are committing to CONSIDER.
And if you think about it, consideration is actually one of the biggest ways to show care. It means you’re being thoughtful and attentive to that person whether they’re in front of you or not.
The real joy of these relationships? This person is picking you purely because of who you are. That’s IT.
There’s no strings attached. No legal reason. No biological reason.
They care about you. And that’s really powerful in a world where we all doubt whether we belong or whether we’re loved.
Now, something important: the broader societal definition of chosen family doesn’t normally include family of origin. But I like to include them.
If your family of origin considers you, shows up for your best interests and feelings and goals, if you’re both putting in the work… then in my mind, they’re part of your chosen family.
Because chosen family is that core group, that web, that support system holding you up as you move through life.
These are the people who catch you when you fall. But also help springboard you to the next iteration of your life, the next you.
The Web (Not the Person)
Here’s where I think we get it wrong.
When we explore this idea of chosen family, people get this all-or-nothing mindset. These people need to show up for me in EVERY way. Be available for EVERYTHING.
But that’s not how it works. And honestly? That’s an impossible burden to place on any one person.
I currently live in the stage of my life where I feel the most supported I’ve ever felt — pretty much entirely by chosen family.
It’s because I’ve created a WEB.
Some people in my web fill a variety of buckets, show up for me in multiple ways. But some people really just fill ONE bucket, show up in ONE specific way.
And some of those people are filling a REALLY vital role.
The reason the web analogy works for me is because I didn’t really have any other option.
I was at rock bottom. I needed support. I didn’t have it. My family of origin was not it.
And when I tell you it’s the way to go? I really mean it.
But here’s the truth: a lot of you just aren’t desperate enough yet. That’s why you haven’t tried this.
It’s also not very normal to go about it this way.
But if we were all doing it right, we would all feel supported. And that’s not how most people feel.
So instead of repeating the same patterns, let’s try something different.
There’s so much more in the full episode about how this web actually functions in real life and why it’s more powerful than the “one person” model.
The Specific Roles That Make Up Your Web
Let me give you some specific examples of chosen family roles. Because I think the specificity is what makes this ACTIONABLE.
The serious, scary roles:
Someone to be your executor or medical power of attorney. Your child’s emergency contact. The person you call in the middle of the night. The person who sits with you in hospital rooms. Someone to go with you to scary doctor’s appointments.
When I had my breast cancer scare, my friend C (who doesn’t live here) offered to fly up. I told her I was okay, that I’d just keep my phone available and call her. But if I got bad news? Yeah, I might take her up on those flights.
The happy, life-giving roles:
People you celebrate holidays, birthdays, and milestones with. If you’re staring down this holiday season, absolutely dreading it, spend a few minutes thinking about people who would make that day ENJOYABLE. Where your nervous system could relax.
You don’t even need to make a specific ask. I’ve had a lot of luck just being honest: “Hey, I don’t really have anywhere I want to go for the holidays. Nowhere that feels good to me. I want to go somewhere where I feel good.”
People you create traditions with. Maybe you’ve always watched other people have annual family trips or reunions and wished you had that.
I’m here to tell you: you CAN have that. You can create that with other people. I have done exactly this. It is 100% possible.
The point is this: these roles are SPECIFIC. They’re not “be my person for everything.” They’re “be the person I call at 2 am when I’m panicking,” or “be the person who sits with me in the hospital,” or “be the person I celebrate Thanksgiving with.”
That specificity is what makes building chosen family feel DOABLE instead of overwhelming.
We go much deeper in the full episode with more role examples and how to actually identify which roles you need filled in YOUR web.
An Important Caveat
I need to pause and acknowledge something crucial.
What I’m talking about is broadening and leaning into this idea of chosen family, even in small ways.
But for some communities and some people, chosen family isn’t a nice-to-have. It’s their ENTIRE support system. It’s survival.
LGBTQ+ folks. Black communities who have been separated from their biological families for decades. People of color. Veterans. People overcoming addiction. People who’ve experienced childhood abuse.
For many people out there, chosen family is the way they find belonging in a world that tells them they don’t belong.
And as you grow your support network, remember that this might be a nice-to-have for you, but for some people, it is literally their survival tactic.
Keep the same reverence about it that those people have. It was dire for them. It was dire for me.
How to Actually Build This
Okay, let’s get PRACTICAL. How do you actually build chosen family relationships in your life?
Have direct conversations.
This might look like directly asking someone to fill a role: “Will you be my child’s emergency contact?” “Will you be my medical power of attorney?”
But it can also be less intense. Just start being HONEST.
Once you start getting honest about the fact that there are big gaps in your web? People are willing to step up.
The number of times I’ve just said things like “I don’t really have anywhere I want to go for the holidays”… when I tell you that now I have SO many options. This year alone, I could go to 12 different places. I have open invites.
The final piece: tell people WHY certain roles or support are important to you.
Take action.
I have offered support before anybody’s ever asked me for it. If a billion people say no, fine. But I’ve made it a point to show: hey, I want to choose to show up in your life this way.
Can I come help you at night with your new baby? Can I sit with you at the hospital? I will plan to drive you to those appointments every Friday.
They can always tell me no. But often, if you make a very SPECIFIC offer, people realize you’re serious.
And when you do take action, you need to SHOW UP. Do the thing you said you’d do. Do it consistently.
Make it official.
Sometimes something as simple as a NAME or an official act can give us that sense of security. Put a name to the role. Update the emergency contact form at a school. Sign paperwork for someone to be your medical power of attorney.
But it could also just be the WAY you talk about this person. They’re an Auntie. They’re my person. They’re the person who always calms me down.
Maintain these connections through traditions and repetition.
A really strong way to show one another that you are chosen family is through traditions and repetition.
And the good news? You can create those at any time. You can remake them. You can adjust them based on capacity. There’s no right or wrong way.
The full episode has even more specific strategies and examples of how to have these conversations without making them weird or putting too much pressure on people.
If You Have Strong Family Support
Maybe you’re listening to this thinking: “I have a strong family support system. I don’t need this.”
I love that for you. I really do. I wish that were my story.
But here’s why this still matters:
You are in a position where you could be chosen family for someone ELSE. You could be part of their web. Someone in their corner.
And you could literally change their life.
If you see a friend who maybe doesn’t have as strong a web as they need, you can take action:
“Hey, if something happened to you, I want you to call me. I would show up for you like that.”
It could be as simple as that.
At the end of the day, more love, more connection, more support never hurt anybody.
One More Thing
If you’ve found ways that chosen family shows up in your life that I didn’t talk about today, I would LOVE to hear about them.
Share them with me however you feel comfortable. And who knows — maybe you’ll inspire me with new ways I can show up in my people’s lives, or ask them to show up in mine.
Whether you’re building chosen family out of necessity or by choice, remember this:
Our chosen family matters. They make our lives richer, our support systems stronger, and our worlds a little bit better. Tune into the episode.
