You’re changing.
Maybe it’s subtle. Maybe it’s dramatic. But you’re not the same person you were a year ago. Five years ago. Ten years ago.
And your friends… they keep seeing the old you.
They ask about your past. They reminisce about “remember when?” They tell the same old stories about who you used to be.
And when you try to talk about who you’re BECOMING? Silence. Or worse: doubt.
“Are you sure that’s realistic?”
“That doesn’t really sound like you.”
“Remember when you tried that other thing and it didn’t work out?”
They’re not being mean. They’re just… stuck. Stuck seeing you as you were.
And here’s what nobody talks about:
That’s incredibly lonely.
Because what you need (what we ALL need when we’re transforming) isn’t someone to remind us of our past.
We need someone to believe in our future.
The Intimacy Trap We All Fall Into
Here’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot:
We’ve been taught that intimacy in friendship means sharing our past.
The vulnerable stories. The trauma. The mistakes. The hard things that shaped us.
And yes: that IS intimate. That matters.
But we’re missing something crucial:
Sharing your HOPES is just as vulnerable as sharing your hurts.
Sharing your DREAMS is just as intimate as sharing your past.
Telling someone who you want to BECOME is just as scary as telling them who you’ve BEEN.
Maybe more scary. Because your past already happened. It’s done. It’s safe to share because it’s already real.
But your future? That’s uncertain. That’s fragile. That requires belief.
And when you share your dreams with someone and they don’t believe in them?
That can break something.
Meet Debra: The Woman Building Believing Mirrors
Debra Driscoll is a spiritual teacher and energy guide who runs an online community from the Caribbean island of Tobago.
Yes, really. She moved from Brooklyn to a tiny island and built a thriving virtual community of what she calls “magic curious women.”
But here’s what makes her community different from every other “find your people” group out there:
It’s not just about connection. It’s about transformation.
“The whole idea of Big Life Magic is that you get to create your own big life,” Debra told me. “And so I’m more often than not asking: What do you want? What are you working on? What’s developing in you? Where’s your magic weaving right now?”
Notice what she’s NOT asking:
Not “what happened to you?”
Not “tell me about your past.”
Not “remember when?”
She’s asking: What do you WANT? Who are you BECOMING?
And that question (that simple shift in focus) changes everything.
The “Believing Mirrors” That Changed Two Lives
Debra told me a story that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
It’s from an audiobook by intuitive teacher Sonia Choquette. And it’s about the power of what Sonia calls “believing mirrors.”
Here’s the story:
Years ago, before Sonia was a published author, she dreamed of writing a book.
But she didn’t believe in herself.
“I’m not a good writer. I could never do that.”
All the usual stories we tell ourselves when we want something big.
She had a friend who wanted to be a clairvoyant. But that friend didn’t believe in her gifts either.
So they made a pact:
They would be “believing mirrors” for each other.
What does that mean?
It means: In the reflection of how I see you, I see you as an amazing published author.
And the friend reflected back: I see you as a clear clairvoyant, deep in your skill.
They didn’t just say “I believe in you” once and move on.
They maintained this reflection. They held the vision for each other. Consistently. Over time.
Even when (especially when) the other person couldn’t see it themselves.
And here’s what happened:
Within six months, Sonia started writing her first book. It was published. It did well.
Now she’s written many books. She’s a successful author.
And she says: “I don’t know what would have happened to the author in me if I didn’t have that friendship and that friend reflecting to me that I could be that.”
The friend? Became a successful clairvoyant.
Why This Is Different From Regular Support
You might be thinking: “Okay, but I have supportive friends. They say they believe in me.”
And I’m sure they do. But believing mirrors are different.
It’s not just saying “you can do it!” once when you announce a goal.
It’s actively reflecting back the potential you can’t see in yourself.
It’s holding the vision when you lose it.
It’s reminding you who you’re becoming when you forget.
It’s being so certain of your future self that you can borrow their certainty when yours runs out.
Debra explained it perfectly:
“It’s the reflection back. Sometimes it’s just the affirmation. Sometimes you just want a buddy on the ride with you who you can share the funny moment or the moment where you’re feeling weaker in all of this change.”
It’s sustained belief. Active reflection. Consistent presence.
Not just “good luck with that thing!” and then moving on.
In the full episode, Debra and I go much deeper into what “believing mirrors” actually look like in practice and how they differ from regular friendship support. If you’ve been craving friendships that see who you’re becoming (not just who you’ve been), this conversation will resonate deeply.
What Transformational Friendships Actually Look Like
In Debra’s community, this plays out in beautiful ways.
She told me about an 83-year-old member.
When this woman’s husband died after 56 years of marriage, she asked herself: “What am I doing here? All my children are grown. My husband is gone. What am I doing here?”
She could have just… stopped. Given up. Decided her life was over.
But she joined this community. And they reflected back: You’re not done. There’s more for you.
And now?
She’s connected to a community garden. She’s studying neuroscience. She’s been accepted to volunteer in the NICU with premature babies.
She’s becoming a completely new version of herself at 83.
And the community gets to celebrate that with her.
The Sobriety Sisters
Debra shared another story that illustrates this perfectly.
Years ago, she chose sobriety. In the same month, without knowing, a good friend also chose sobriety.
They became “sobriety sisters.”
“She would send me a message when she would go out to dinner with people she normally went to dinner with, where she would normally order wine, and she didn’t,” Debra said.
“And it just made a difference that she could send that message to me. And I could send her a message saying: It’s really hot on the island today, and everyone around me is drinking cold beer. I can taste it, but I know I’m not going to order it.”
“To not have that just sitting in my head, not have that just sitting with me, but to actually be able to share that with someone really made a difference.”
That’s a believing mirror. Someone who sees your future self (sober) even when present-you is struggling.
Someone who reflects back: You’re becoming this person. I see it. I believe it. Even when you can’t.
What We’re Actually Missing in Our Friendships
Here’s what Debra said that really hit me:
“I think a part of our friendships and our communities is that as we evolve, our needs change. We don’t necessarily need to stay connected to the same people that we were connected to a year ago or 10 years ago.”
And yes: sometimes that means letting friendships go.
But here’s what I want to challenge:
What if instead of letting friendships go when we transform, we asked them to TRANSFORM WITH US?
What if we said:
“I’m changing. I’m becoming someone new. Can you see that version of me? Can you believe in her even when I can’t?”
And what if we asked OUR friends:
“Who are you becoming? What do you want? How can I be a believing mirror for you?”
The Questions Most Friendships Never Ask
Think about your last few conversations with close friends.
How much time did you spend talking about:
- ▪️ The past (“remember when…”)
- ▪️ Current problems (“ugh, work is so stressful”)
- ▪️ Other people (“did you hear about…”)
Versus talking about:
- ▪️ Future dreams (“here’s what I’m working toward…”)
- ▪️ Who you’re becoming (“I’m trying to be more…”)
- ▪️ What you really want (“my biggest goal right now is…”)
I’m willing to bet it’s heavily weighted toward the first list.
Not because your friends don’t care. Not because you don’t care.
But because we’ve never been taught to ask future-focused questions.
We think intimacy is “tell me about your childhood trauma.”
When it could also be: “Tell me about the person you’re becoming.”
We think vulnerability is “here’s my biggest regret.”
When it could also be: “Here’s my biggest dream.”
We think deep friendship is “I know everything about your past.”
When it could also be: “I believe in everything about your future.”
How Transformation Changes Friendships (And Why That’s Okay)
Here’s something else Debra said that’s important:
“Every time you transform, you become a new version. That means your friendship becomes a new version.”
When you change, your friendships have to change too.
And that’s scary. Because we think it means losing people.
But what if it doesn’t have to?
What if it just means evolving the friendship?
Example: Debra’s sobriety sisters.
Before sobriety, maybe they bonded over wine at dinner. Maybe that was a big part of their friendship.
Sobriety changed that. The old version of the friendship couldn’t exist anymore.
But instead of letting the friendship go, they created a NEW version.
One where they texted each other from restaurants. Where they celebrated not ordering the drink. Where they held each other’s vision of sobriety even when it was hard.
The friendship didn’t end. It transformed.
Debra and I share even more about navigating the grief of outgrowing friendships in the complete episode, including how to honor what was while making room for what’s next. If you’re in the middle of a transformation and feeling like your friendships can’t keep up, listen here.
What You Can Do Right Now
Okay. You’re reading this and thinking: “I need this. I need believing mirrors. I need transformational spaces.”
Here’s what to do:
Step 1: Ask Yourself Two Questions
Debra’s advice: “Check in with yourself. What do I really want? And second: What do I really need?”
Get specific.
Not “I want supportive friends.”
But: “I need people who will ask me about my business dreams without immediately pointing out all the risks.”
Not “I need community.”
But: “I need a space where I can talk about who I’m becoming without having to explain who I was.”
Write it down. Get clear.
Step 2: Believe You Can Find It (Or Create It)
Debra: “Give yourself a red hot go. Be honest about what you want and what you need. And then believe that you can find it.”
It’s out there. I promise.
Maybe it’s an online community like Debra’s. Maybe it’s a local group. Maybe it’s a coach or therapist who asks the right questions.
Or maybe (and this is powerful) maybe you CREATE it.
Step 3: How to Create a Transformational Space (Even With Just One Other Person)
You don’t need to be a coach. You don’t need a business. You don’t need to be an expert.
You just need to decide to hold space differently.
Here’s how:
Pick a person. Someone who’s also transforming. Someone who wants more. Someone who’s ready to become.
Pick a time. Weekly coffee. Monthly video call. Whatever works.
Set the intention: “This is our space to talk about who we’re becoming. Not who we were. Not just current problems. But who we WANT to be.”
Ask the questions:
-
- ▪️ What do you want right now?
-
- ▪️ Who are you becoming?
-
- ▪️ What’s your edge?
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- ▪️ Where’s your magic weaving?
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- ▪️ How can I be a believing mirror for you?
And then (this is crucial) actually BE the believing mirror.
When they doubt themselves, reflect their potential back.
When they lose the vision, hold it for them.
When they forget who they’re becoming, remind them.
Do this consistently. Over time. With intention.
That’s it. That’s how you create a transformational space.
Step 4: Be a Believing Mirror for Someone Else
Don’t wait for someone to do this for you first.
Pick a friend who’s transforming. And start reflecting their potential back to them.
When they say “I’m trying to write a book but I’m not a good writer” –
Say: “I see you as an amazing author. I can’t wait to read your book.”
When they say “I want to start a business, but I don’t know if I can” –
Say: “I see you running a successful business. I believe in this vision even when you can’t.”
Not once. Consistently.
Hold their vision when they lose it. Reflect their potential when they can’t see it.
Be the believing mirror they need.
The Truth About Transformation and Connection
Here’s what I want you to know:
You don’t have to choose between transformation and connection.
You don’t have to let go of all your friendships to become a new version of yourself.
But you might need to find NEW spaces. Or create them.
Spaces where people ask about your future, not just your past.
Spaces where transformation is celebrated, not feared.
Spaces where you can be a work in progress without having to hide it.
And here’s the beautiful thing:
When you find these spaces (or create them) you give other people permission to transform too.
You become a believing mirror for others. And they become one for you.
And together, you all become who you’re meant to be.
Your Challenge This Week
I’m going to give you the same challenge Debra gave at the end of our conversation:
Ask yourself: What do I want? What do I need?
Not what you SHOULD want. Not what you think is “realistic.”
What do you actually want? Who do you actually want to become?
Write it down. Get honest.
And then ask: Where can I find people who will believe in that vision with me?
Maybe it’s reaching out to one friend and saying, “Can we start having different kinds of conversations? Can we talk about who we’re becoming instead of just who we were?”
Maybe it’s joining a group or community that focuses on transformation.
Maybe it’s creating your own space, even just with one other person.
But do something. Take one step.
Because here’s what Debra knows, what Sonia learned, what that 83-year-old woman discovered:
We become who we’re surrounded by people believing we can be.
So surround yourself with believing mirrors.
Find them. Create them. Be one.
And watch what happens when someone finally sees your future as clearly as you dream it.
Want to learn more about Debra’s work? Check out Big Life Magic and her community of magic-curious women. She’s creating exactly the kind of transformational space we talked about here. And she’s doing it from a Caribbean island, which is pretty magical in itself.
This conversation with Debra changed how I think about what friendship can be. Tune into the full episode to hear her complete story, plus practical ways to start building “believing mirror” friendships in your own life.
